16 December 2009

Cyrusly Cyrus Family?

Back in the 90's, when Billy Ray Cyrus erupted onto the country music scene with his charming smile and amazing mullet, he made everyone's heart ache and break.  Except for mine.  I was onto this choad at the ripe age of 11.  He wasn't fooling me. The mullet can only get you so far in life before people stop taking you Cyrusly.

Thankfully for country music, Billy Ray was swept off scene almost as quickly as he had shown up, even though he did win a Grammy and has multi platinum records. So what? So does Weird Al, but I have had periods that lasted longer than Billy's tenure as a country music star.

It seems the Cyrus family has gone from an achy breaky worn out music career, failed marriages, random children, to Disney. Enter Destiny Hope, the sickening teenager we all know as Miley.  Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is possibly the most ANNOYING person on this planet, in close competition with Kate Gosselin, Twilight fanatics, and a select couple relatives of mine.

Noah Cyrus, Miley's younger sister, has apparently taken lessons from her older sister and has turned into a First Class 9 year old hooker.  Apparently, she was recently captured in a family video where, according to Gawker.com, she "'smacks her buttocks, thrusts her hips, and shimmies her shoulders," while singing to Akon's "Smack That". The worst part is no one intervened; no one stopped her.  At the end of her performance, everyone clapped and cheered.  Guess the Cyrus family's moral compass is broken along with Jon Gosselin's. 

I'm not sure why people were cheering though. I watched the video.  It was disturbing, annoying, and I wanted to shank someone. The child is hideously homely and the only thing I want to see her smacking is her head against a curb, knocking those snaggleteeth right out of head.  If this had happened in the early 90's at least Billy's thick mullet would scared Noah into submission. 

According to Popeater.com, "this is the second time in recent months that Noah has landed herself in some controversy. Most recently, her Halloween costume drew red flags thanks to her thigh-high boots and mini-skirt with heavy facial make-up."  Fugly. I'm sorry, I know she's just a child, but no one hesitated to tell me when I was fugly, so I have no sympathy. She's FUGLY.

The Cyrus family is annoying, odd, and should be eliminated from this planet. I am sick of seeing your flavor savor on your chin (you're not a 21-year old college kid), and your hair is so perfect it's almost a work of art that belongs in a museum.

More importantly, I don't think it's appropriate to exploit your daughter because you can't write music anymore, to allow your youngest daughter to dress like Lady Gaga and dance like a porn star, NOR do I think it's appropriate for you two to have a slightly incestuous photo shoot with your midriff hanging out, your elbow in your Dad's crotch, all the while your father looks on with a pensive desire.

Billy, you took control of your mullet 18 years ago; it's time to take control of your family.  Let your daughters be children, not Hollywood sluts.  And has anyone EVER seen your son or your stepchildren? I can only imagine the drama they'll bring forth in the next 5 years, that is, if anyone still cares about the Cyrus family.  Once Miley turns 18, Playboy will OWN her; unfortunately for Noah, unless she replaces all of her teeth and gets a face transplant, the only magazine that will want her is the JC Penney winter catalog so she can model gloves.


Toni said...

what a creepy looking child. And I know creepy looking children, I was one.

KC Kelly said...

Yes...I agree. Are you related by chance? If so, you need to hit a hooker up and get some $$$!

dogimo said...

I'm not sure I agree with every single bit of this, but damn: I can't help but agree with every single bit of the way you put it. Double extra damn.

Stacie said...

I hate Miley Cyrus. You have summed up my feelings for me, quite beautifully, I might add.

Shannon said...

amen, sistah(s). and that more recent pic of mullet-free billy and hannah montana...or miley cyrus...or whatever she's calling herself this afternoon. that is NOT a normal father-daughter relationship. maybe that's why she needs an alter ego - to escape how messed her life is. sigh. poor, poor kid. or kids.

determined2fly said...

I actually don't mind Miley very much, and Billy Ray was kinda funny to watch on "Dancing with the Stars", but I can't say I've ever watched their tv show, nor have I ever attempted to listen to any of their music. There are worse singers and people with worse personal lives...I'm just sayin

Donna said...

I love how you say EVERYTHING I'm thinking and more!! Rock on Sister!

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