30 October 2009

Happy Gosselween!!!

I promised myself I would never WASTE another blog post devoted to the dreadful Gosselin family, but being that it is so close to Halloween, I simply couldn't resist!!!

As I scanned CNN.com this morning, I saw Gosselin trash everywhere. Although everyone likes ragging on Jon (he's nasty, fat, and stupid so it's easy), the real idiot here is definitely Kate...from her haircut to her fantasy land that her kids aren't affected by their TV show, to her future plans as a movie star.

Movie star you ask? Yes--she has recently said she wants to be in the movies! Are you kidding me?  She stated, "I've done enough years on TV that I feel like it's a normal, comfortable, natural place to be".  NO! WRONG! You've spent enough years ragging on your husband, which blew up in your face, and because you had twins and sextuplets by artificial means, and TLC came sniffing around and gave you a TV show, does not mean you're qualified to be an actress...hell, you couldn't even act like a loving wife, so what makes you think you can act at all? IDIOT!

She then goes on to say, "I'd love to be in a movie at some point, I'd love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun."  Pretty sure America hears enough about you; we don't need any Disney/Pixar animated films featuring the annoying, nagging voice of K.G.

The second article I read was about how Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out in stores across the nation.  One person on the Today Show even dubbed it as a "reverse mullet", and for those of you who know me, know I am absolutely obsessed with mullets and all the variations, the reverse mullets being one of the most rare and intriguing of them all. 

If I were dressing up for Halloween this year, I would have done anything to get my hands on this wig.  For a Halloween costume wig, it's pretty damn amazing.  I want to go out Saturday night just to see how many people have donned this wig.

Even celebrities are getting into the spirit of dressing up like Jon and Kate plus 8.  Check out Speidi's Jon and Kate costume...although Spencer and Heidi make me barf in my mouth, I thought it was pretty hilarious.  The picture is perfect!!! Heidi dressed as Kate has her mouth wide open, presumably yelling at Jon or one of her kids, and Jon is dressed like a serious douchebag, as usual.
More importantly, USWeekly has a link on their page where you can see other celebrities with Kate Gosselin's haircut.  For your entertainment, I have taken the liberties of taking these photos and posting them to save you the work.  Kate's haircut is horrible, yes, but at least it's versatile.

I am still confused as to how Kate doesn't think the TV shows, the drama, the divorce, and her haircut have NOT affected her children...together, she and Jon have made a complete mockery of their lives worldwide.  It is a stigma these kids will never outlive, and "Jon and Kate" drama will soon join the same scandal club where we have filed OJ's "innocence" and Clinton's "I never inhaled".  Good luck living this one down J.K.+8.

Canadian Coyotes

Seems like coyotes and the music industry have been colliding quite frequently these days. First, it was with Jessica Simpson and her dog, which she believes was "taken" by coyotes. Obviously she doesn't understand the difference between "taken" and "eaten".

In recent news, coyotes attacked again! Except this time, it wasn't a pet dog they killed; it was a Canadian singer. No, sorry folks, it's not Shania Twain, as much as we would all love that.

The victim this time was Taylor Mitchell, a Canadian folk singer, who was only 19. According to CNN.com, she "was killed by coyotes this week in a national park in Nova Scotia...she was at the beginning of the Skyline Trail in Cape Breton Highlands National Park on Tuesday afternoon when she was attacked". 

Of course, this is a sad situation.  When you think how you're going to die, and don't lie, we all think about it once in a while, you definitely don't picture yourself being attacked by coyotes, especially at the ripe young age of 19.

What's puzzling about this article isn't how Taylor is the only person to have been attacked by coyotes in this park, or even that a young, talented artist was killed.  What I don't understand is the lack of common sense these park rangers have when wondering how coyotes could have possibly attacked someone?

In the article, there are several statements regarding the puzzling nature of this attack.  Chip Bird, the Parks Canada field unit superintendent for Cape Breton, said "A pathologist will test the animal's body for diseases that might have triggered the attack".  Save the money and resources Chip; I'll tell you what you need to know.  Coyotes attacked because they're WILD FUCKING ANIMALS AND HUMANS INVADE THEIR ENVIRONMENT!!!

This douche then goes on to say how the search for other aggressive animals in the park continues. Seriously? Of course you will find other "aggressive" animals in the park; park=outside; outside=wild/aggressive animals.  Bird also goes on to say how public safety is their primary concern, which is great and true, but then he says "that animal was killed because of "lack of fear".  NO SHIT!!! Of course coyotes aren't fearful...they're wild, untamed, unafraid carnivores...

Perhaps the most ironic and disturbing part of this whole incident, is the common sense Taylor's mother shows in wake of the worst tragedy a mother can ever encounter...her daughter has just been killed by a wild animal while hiking in a park, and she gives a statement to the press that totally counteracts response to this attack.

Emily Mitchell, Taylor's mother, makes a statement in which she says, "We take a calculated risk when spending time in nature's fold -- it's the wildlife's terrain. When the decision had been made to kill the pack of coyotes, I clearly heard Taylor's voice say, 'please don't, this is their space.' She wouldn't have wanted their demise, especially as a result of her own. She was passionate about animals, was an environmentalist, and was also planning to volunteer at the Toronto Wildlife Centre in the coming months."

So, Taylor Mitchell, a talented musician was also an environmentalist? Well, that explains what she was doing hiking solo in this park. But the fact that her mother is probably right in that Taylor would not have wanted the animals to be hurt, we humans do what we always do--we destroy whatever hurts us, inconveniences us, or what doesn't work for us...and in this case, it was a couple wild coyotes.

Next time these coyotes encounter a musician in their park, I pray to every God in this universe that it's Celine Dion.  Just looking at her pisses me off and makes me want to pound nails into my temple. I won't even be that upset if they take down Terri Clark's redneck ass.  Just don't take Alanis.

26 October 2009

Fausty Freeze

Today I entered a writing contest entitled "*Another* Another Faust Writing Contest".  My mom featured the link on her blog, and I couldn't resist.  I am no short story writer, and I've only entered maybe one or two poetry contests in my life.  My niche is novel writing, but this contest seemed interesting and last week, I wrote my story in two days.

This link to the contest is here, and my short story is featured below.  For those of you who did not check out the contest link, here's the contest details in a nutshell--write a story that deals with the Faustian bargain, which is simply making a deal with the devil.  Pop culture movies like The Little Mermaid, The Devil's Advocate, and Bedazzled all feature the "making a deal with the devil" motif. 

**Warning: This story was emailed and entered into the contest earlier this morning; it is now in the hands of Daniel and Dina (contest creators), so it would be pointless for you to even think about stealing it.  Create your own story.**

Please see below to read my short story.  Hope you enjoy!!!

Fausty Freeze

            Gone were the days of perpetual sun, sand, and surf.  Grilled hot dogs, corn on the cob, and crisp watermelon.  Sunset bike rides and baseball games.  Gone were the girls in their summer dresses and boys in their summer growth spurts. 
            Winter had now settled in.  The snow was already falling.  Lakes were already frozen over; animals were hibernating.  Children have brought out their sleds; adults their shovels.  Christmas decorations already hang from the eaves of every house, and carols can already be heard in the city square.
            Frank Faust hated winter.  He despised the bitter cold on the nape of his neck and crunching of the frozen snow beneath his boots.  He loathed the way he could see his breath every time he stepped outside, and hated the way the harshly cold wind would take away his breath. 
            Ironically, Frank lived in Winter Falls, Alaska, where summer was short and sweet, and winter was long and dreary.  No matter how hard he tried, he could not escape winter.  During the fleeting summer months, he thought if he stayed outside long enough, drank enough iced tea, and pedaled fast enough on his bike, the mythical weather gods would see how he enjoyed summer more than life itself, and would cut him a break.  Every year was just as, if not more, disappointing than the last.  Summer seemed to get shorter every year and winter seemed to creep in weeks too soon.
            Because Frank was an able bodied teenage boy, his mother made him offer his snow shoveling services to the senior citizens in town, help cut down and carry Christmas trees, and even participate in the annual Snow Ball, which was an event held in the town square every New Year's Eve.  Frank would grumble and mumble and swear under his breath, but he finally figured out it was just easier to go along with it than to fight it, so every year he swallowed his pride and hesitantly asked a couple girls to accompany him to the dance.
            It was no surprise Frank was rejected every winter, and always ended up escorting his mother to the ball.  He was a good-looking adolescent boy, strong facial features and a popular haircut.  Girls rejected Frank not because he wasn't nice, or cute, or friendly; they rejected him because he wore a bad attitude like a favorite outfit.  The girls in town worshipped him during the summer, with his bronzed skin and bleached blond hair, but ignored him in the winter, which was probably for the better.  It was as if a dark force overcame him in the winter months, and Frank knew he would be better off in hibernation.
            One night during dinner, a week before Christmas Eve, his mother reminded him about the Snow Ball, as if Frank would ever forget.
            "Have you got a date yet?" she asked, playing the same routine year after year.  Janet popped a baby carrot in her mouth, and forced a smile.
            "No. Do you?" Frank replied cruelly.  He wanted his words to hurt, just like his parents had hurt him.  It wasn't until looked at his mother and watched as her face went from pure shock, and then crumpled deep into itself in agony that Frank's mother had not had a date in years, not for lack of trying, but she had always put Frank's needs above her own.
            "Mom, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean that," he said quickly, as if his apology could erase the hurtful words that he spat from his mouth.
            "I won't stand for backtalk Frank.  It's spiteful and unnecessary," she said sharply, and her words sliced through him like a jagged piece of glass across a fleshy pear.  Frank swallowed hard and lowered his head.
            Frank and his mother ate the rest of dinner in silence.  Usually, she asked Frank to help her clean up the dishes, but that night was different.  Janet wept as she washed each plate, and Frank watched her struggle with keeping her tears out of sight.  Eventually, he retired to his room, but could hear his mother's quiet, forlorn sobbing. 
            Every year as the Snow Ball approached, his mother would get weepy.  The holidays always made her weepy.  Frank's father had left on Christmas Eve when he was just four years old, to start a new life with a new wife.  The holiday season crushed Janet's spirit, but the Snow Ball always seemed to revive it.
            That night as he lay in bed, Frank mumbled a weak prayer, to anyone who would listen.
            "Please make winter go away.  Please make winter go away.  Please make winter go away.  I'll do anything," Frank repeated, over and over again, until he eventually fell asleep.
            The following morning, Frank engaged in his typical morning routine.  It was the last day of school before Christmas break; a day during which most kids could barely contain themselves, but Frank dreaded it.  He looked outside and as usual, his prayers were unanswered.  Winter was still here, and it appeared as if it had even snowed several inches overnight. 
            Frustrated, Frank stormed out of the house and headed toward the bus stop.  To his surprise, there was a man standing there.  Winter Falls had hardly any crime, but Frank couldn't shake the creepy feeling he had as he approached the stranger.
            "Good morning," he muttered in an attempt to be friendly, and also to stop his teeth from chattering.
            "Hello Frank," the man replied, staring at him confidently.  The man wore a freshly pressed black suit, a red tie, and had a thin mustache.  Apparently he was unaware that it was below zero degrees, and seemed to not mind. 
            "How do you know my name?" Frank asked the stranger, backing up a few steps.
            "Don't be alarmed," said the stranger in a voice that sounded hundreds of years old, a voice that invoked feelings of fear in Frank's gut.  He was certain he was about to get mugged or murdered, although that seemed like a stretch.
            "Um, no.  And you're creeping me out.  You mind leaving?" Frank asked honestly, figuring he had nothing to lose by being rude.  Ignoring him was not an option, so being blunt was the next best thing.
            "You can't stand winter, can you?" the man asked self assuredly. 
            Frank stood in astonishment that the stranger was relentless, then eventually shook his head and licked his dry, cracking lips.  Even his lips couldn't stand winter.
            "I have a bargain for you."
            Frank was afraid, yet intrigued.  Something about the confident way the man spoke fascinated Frank, although his senses were still trying to attach to the correct emotion.  Was it fear or curiosity Frank was feeling?
            "If it's money you want, I don't have any.  On me, I mean," Frank stuttered the first thing that came to his mouth.
            "I don't want your money.  I want to make a deal."
            Frank was shaking at this point, partly due to the frigid Alaskan winter air, and partly because the man's presence was overwhelming.
            "What kind of deal?" asked Frank.  The man leered at him, a half smile forming in the corner of his mouth.  Just then, the bus pulled up.  Frank glanced at his bus driver, held up his index finger signaling to wait just a moment, and he turned back to where the man was standing.
            Except the man was gone.  Frank twirled around several times on the snow, looking in almost every direction, until the bus driver honked loudly and opened the door.
            "Get on the bus!" the bus driver shouted.  As the bus peeled away, Frank looked desperately out the window for any sign of the strange man.  He was nowhere to be found.
            The rest of the day at school, Frank was distracted.  He wondered if the man had been a dream, or at the very least, a hallucination.
            During lunch, as his friends bragged about their new skis and sleds and vacation plans for Christmas break, Frank sat in silence, struggling to make sense of the strange man and his "bargain".
            On the bus ride home, Frank was ready to chalk up the entire experience as a delusion, one that he was more than prepared to put behind him for good.  When the bus stopped, Frank stepped off and started his half-mile trek home. 
            As he turned the corner onto his street, he heard someone whisper his name.  Frank stopped dead in his tracks, and glanced around furiously.  Was it happening again? Was this yet another hallucination?
            He suddenly felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and as he slowly turned around, he discovered exactly why.
            "Hello Frank."
            "Whoa!!! Who the hell are you?" Frank yelped, and was immediately embarrassed for the girlish tone of his voice.
            "I wouldn't use the word 'hell' loosely like that if I were you," he said ambiguously.  "And you can call me Damien." 
            Frank took a few steps backwards, shuttered, then walked briskly down the road.  His house was in view, and he had never been so excited to see it before in his life.
            "I didn't ask to be here Frank.  You summoned me," the man said matter-of-factly.  He was still wearing the black suit, and looked exactly the same as he had this morning.
            "What are you talking about?" Frank mumbled under his breath.
            "Last night.  You prayed for winter's end," the strange man announced, and Frank stopped walking.  In the bitter cold, the memory of last night came to him in a whirlwind.  But I don't even believe in God, Frank thought to himself.
            "You don't have to believe in God to believe in me," the man said, surprising Frank. 
            His eyes got huge and his heart started pounding.  "How did you...I didn't say that out loud!" he yelled, then took off running.  This had to be a bad dream.  His feet pounding the hard snow, Frank willed himself to wake up and snap out of this dreadful hallucination.
            Out of breath when Frank finally reached his house, Frank put his hands on his knees and breathed in the harsh, cold air.  He looked behind him and was relieved to see the man had not followed him home. 
            "Are you ready to bargain yet?" the man sneered, standing on the front step.  Frank was so startled that he fell backwards into a pile of snow, and cursed loudly.  The man reached out to help him out, but Frank ignored the offer.
            "If that's what will make you disappear, then YES!!!" he finally agreed, brushing snow off the seat of his jeans.  There was no point in trying to escape this man.  He was around every corner; in front of and behind Frank.  He dropped his book bag on the ground, crossed his arms in defiance, and glared at the man.
            "I can give you summer.  Forever," the man began.  Obviously Frank thought the man was crazy.
            "Where? Here? Or in Florida?" Frank joked.  Maybe it was Frank who was crazy.  Either way, he was going to play along.
            "No.  Here.  I can give you an Alaskan summer forever, where the sun never sets and the air is as fresh as the day is long."
            This piqued Frank's interest.
            "What's the catch?" Frank questioned the man. 
            "You must sabotage the Snow Ball by six o'clock in the evening on New Year's Eve.  If you fail to do so, you have just bought yourself a lifetime of winter," the man explained. 
            Frank toyed with the idea.  It might be difficult to sabotage a highly regarded annual event, but Frank was up for the challenge. He stood there, contemplating the offer, when the stranger interrupted his thoughts.
            "Let me warn you that once you agree, a deal is a deal.  There will be no turning back, no changing your mind.  This is a bargain that will never be undone," he warned ominously. 
            After a few moments of reflection, Frank extended his hand towards the man, an offering to seal the deal.  The stranger studied his face for several moments, before accepting the handshake.
            Frank spent the next week researching and making plans for his master sabotage.  He thought of everything from arson, to a bomb threat, to kidnapping, and discovered he was incapable of committing any crime.
            Christmas came and went, a quiet celebration in the Faust house.  Frank and his mother exchanged a few presents, a couple sweaters, hats, gloves, and new boot, the same as every year.  Nothing he could use in the summer; just the winter.  For the millionth time in his life, he felt defeated.
            The night before the Snow Ball, Frank still had not devised a scheme to sabotage the ball.  This was turning out to be more difficult than he had anticipated.  Even worse, the snow was continuing to fall, and the water was still frozen over. A skier's dream, a skater's fantasy, was actually Frank's nightmare that he prayed he would escape from soon.
            He gave up and headed to the kitchen for a snack.  Being devious had made Frank extremely hungry.  Frank grabbed an apple from the table, and watched his mother roll out fresh cookie dough, and cut holiday shapes in preparation for the party before the Snow Ball.
            Janet Faust lived for the Snow Ball, and looked forward to it every year.  Frank was convinced it gave his mother a renewed sense in romance, if only for one night, and that true love actually does exist.  Because he loved his mother, Frank bit his tongue when she asked his opinion about what kind of punch to make, or what dress she should wear every year. 
            Normally, Frank just smiled and nodded, but this year as his mother talked about the Snow Ball, he felt sick to his stomach because he was going to sabotage the one time of year his mother was truly happy.
            With a sated appetite, Frank felt refreshed, yet uneasy and returned to his room to continue planning, although he had barely started.  He closed his bedroom door and saw an instant message flashing on his computer screen.
            "24 hours," the message read in thick, red writing.  Of course, there was no name or a reply button, but Frank knew exactly whom the message was from.
            Frank stayed up all night, and it wasn't until the wee hours of the morning that he finally devised a plan guaranteed destruction of the Snow Ball.  If he could pull it off, summer would be here for good.  If he failed, he would be trapped in this winter nightmare.           
            Sunlight was fading, and the Snow Ball would commence in two short hours.  Frank put on his suit and combed his hair back to better blend in, and headed downstairs to execute his scheme.  He drew no attention to himself, and no one suspected anything.
            Frank's scheme involved sabotaging the ball, but he wasn't going to destroy the venue, the food, the DJ, or even the ball itself.  No, he was going to start at home.  What's a ball if no one shows up?
            As Frank looked around the living room, he noticed people were already starting to grab their coats and were getting ready to head downtown for the Snow Ball.  It was now or never.
            He quickly walked to the back of the house where the security alarm panel was located.  After Frank's father left, his mother had installed a security system since they had no man and no dog to protect them.  Barely noticing, he had bumped into Damien, and he was wearing the same suit with the same red tie.
            "Time's almost up Frank," he stated seriously, tapping his wristwatch.  Frank was instantly flustered.  In order to execute his plan, he needed to take action immediately.  Frank looked around the house one last time, and noticed only a few people had left.  He shrugged it off because the majority is what counted.
            Of course, Damien had disappeared once again, but in his place he found his mother, who was smiling diamonds and looked stunning in her slimming black dress, her hair done perfectly.  But there was something that distracted Frank from his plan.  It wasn't necessarily his mother; it was that she was talking to a man.  Rather, she was flirting with the attractive ski instructor named Jack, the same instructor his friends bragged about and the girls fawned over.
            With his hand on the security alarm panel, ready to shut it off, which would lock everyone in the house and bring him closer to his dream of destroying winter forever, Frank watched his mother and Jack closely.
            He watched his mother's grin light up her face like the downtown Christmas tree as Jack asked her to the Snow Ball, an invitation which she humbly accepted.  Janet had shown many expressions throughout Frank's existence, but this one was brand new to him. 
            It was then Frank made his decision.
            Promptly, at six o'clock, the clock tower bells chimed, signifying the start of the Snow Ball.
            "Time's up Frank," Damien stated, standing in front of Frank, who sat on the front steps of his house, looking up into the clear, cloudless black winter sky.
            "I guess I'll just have to get used to this," Frank said, exhaling loudly. 
            Without winter, there would be no Snow Ball, and with no Snow Ball, Frank's mother would never again smile the way she did tonight.  Although Frank was cold, he wasn't cold-hearted. 
            "Goodbye summer," he whispered mournfully, and a harsh wind skated across Frank's face as if to remind him of his bargain, and he knew what he had sacrificed wasn't nearly as significant as what he had just saved.

23 October 2009

Bears On Ice

Not surprising, "Russia has a long-standing tradition of training bears to perform tricks such as riding motorcycles, ice skating, and playing hockey. Fatal attacks are unusual".  Still, I have to say, WTF!?!?!?

To sum up the story, a bear on ice skates attacked two people during rehearsals, and killed one of them.  Instead of pulling a Tonya Harding and using a metal pole, the bear used his instincts and claws to maul people.

My first complaint about this story is obviously the fact the most obvious: a bear in ice skates.  This is not a cartoon where the bear can skate better than Brian Boitano!!  It is life and bears do not belong in goddamn ice skates!

The article goes on to state, "It is unclear what caused the bear to attack Potapov, 25, nearly severing one of his legs while dragging him across the ice by his neck".  Bitch, please.  Unclear? Really? Let me make it clear for you: YOU PUT A BEAR IN ICE SKATES! If I were that bear, I would have mauled your stupid ass too!!!

The worst part about this story isn't the animal cruelty associations like ASPCA strive to avoid, it's the fact that the bear suffered the same outcome as the person he attacked.  This bear was shot dead at the scene because he killed the stupid human who put him in ice skates in the first place.

Lesson #1: Do NOT play with wild animals, train them to do tricks, or put them in ice skates, or you will die.  (Cases in point: Enter Roy Horn from Siegried & Roy and Steve Irwin; one is scarred for life and the other no longer has a life).

Lesson #2: Moscow, Russia needs an ASPCA ass whooping!

Lesson #3: Wild animals will NEVER lose their wild instincts, no matter how "tame" they are.  Wild animal + humans=DEATH!

Lesson #4: You should be shot, maimed, and tortured for cruelly abusing this poor animal, for getting upset that he mauled and killed someone, and then for shooting him because he is a "wild, out of control" animal!!! NO SHIT!!!

One more thing...just because Disney on Ice is popular here in America, does not mean you should mimic the show and come up with your own: "Bears on Ice" in RomaniTurkmeniKrgyzYugoChezhUkrainUssia, or wherever the fuck you idiots live.

Southern Comfort

While cleaning up my jump drive, I came across this poem I wrote several years ago back in college...still love it though.

Southern Comfort
As the jukebox belches out classic country songs,
Dolly, Willie, and Waylon crooning about
Louisiana women, Mississippi men and the
folks down in Luchenbach, Texas,
the pretty young lass crouches on her
bar stool, afraid to make eye contact
with the rough riding motorcycle men who
frequently inhabit the saloon,
but not often enough for them to acquire
the stigma of an alcoholic, branded on
their skin like the bald eagle tattoos
plastered across their sweaty, hairy
backs and chests and bellies, bodies
that have endured years of the cruel sun,
tanning their skin until it’s leather like,
bodies that scare off most women but
attract the butch women, who they
themselves sport similar tattoos, but of a
more feminine nature like the bleeding
red rose usually located on a shin
or a shoulder or the broken heart that
has currently become the principle of many
stereotypes and beer commercials that
strongly resemble the situation in which the
young girl, drinking a PBR and taking a
long pull from an extended Marlboro Red,
has currently discovered herself, and
through the creamy tendrils her cigarette
stub has left lingering in the ashtray,
she wonders how she’s walked from so-called
reality and stumbled straight into a
Southwestern cliché.

20 October 2009

Illegal Aliens

With the quick approach of Halloween, many people are scrambling to find the perfect Halloween costume.  This year, people may choose to dress up as Bella and Edward from "Twilight", in fact, I'm sure most high school couples will do just that.

Since vampires seem to be gaining popularity once again, another popular costume idea this year is "Barakula", a cross between our President and a vampire.  Don't quote me on it, but I'm pretty sure somewhere out there in the internet world is a rock musical called "Barakula" where Barack fights off vampires.

If you really want to frighten people, I suggest purchasing a mask from Ogawa Rubber, Japan's top rubber mask maker, preferably in the form of the late, great, Michael Jackson.  Even better, it comes in two different colors, black and white, which is weird considering M.J. himself always said it didn't matter.

The funniest costumes of the year also happen to be the most controversial.  If I were still into dressing up and going out, I would totally pick one of these as my costume of choice...well, maybe not in South Florida because I, as an American, am actually a minority and would probably get shanked for wearing it, but I would migrate North to don this costume, or buy it for one of my friends North of the Mason-Dixon line.

Introducing, the "Illegal Alien" costumes.  According to CNN.com, the costume includes an orange jumpsuit, similar to prison garb, with "Illegal Alien" stamped in black across the chest; a space alien mask; and a fake Green Card.  Apparently there are two costumes; this one and another costume that includes a space alien mask, this time with a dark handlebar mustache and a baseball cap.

Maybe I'm an asshole; maybe I'm prejudiced; or maybe I'm one of the many Americans who are tired of illegal immigrants receiving better health care and other benefits than my family and I do, but I find this costume absolutely hilarious and find it to be the perfect mix of satire and Halloween!!!  The Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights of Los Angeles, however, does not share my sentiment.  They started receiving emails Friday morning, which CHIRLA wrote several letters to stores like Target, Walgreens, and Amazon.com, asking them to stop selling the costumes.

Apparently, illegal immigrants everywhere are "offended" that these costumes are a direct attack on illegal immigrants, meaning, how dare we Americans make such a costume? Who the hell do we think we are, right?  Yes, illegal immigrants are humans and have feelings but they are not Americans!  WE Americans have the right to make whatever kind of costume we want, and should not have to worry about people who cross our border ILLEGALLY getting their little feelings hurt.  If you come here illegally, you better learn our customs, speak our language, or your opinion simply does not matter.  That's harsh, yes, but it's the truth.  If I were to go to Laos, Germany, or Haiti, no one would care if my feelings were hurt...no one would listen to me if I didn't at least attempt to learn the language.  And most of all, no one would welcome me with open arms, like we do here in America!!!

You know when my feelings get hurt in my own country? When I can't afford health insurance, and the gov't cares more about the people who come here illegally than they do about me. I was born here; I deserve health care.  You were born in another country; you deserve health care in your OWN country.   If you want to come to this country, do it legally. I don't enter YOUR country illegally, blatantly ignoring signs like this, and then get offended when you make fun of me and other Americans.  It's a two way street mi amigo...you can't dish it out and then refuse to spoon it back in.

One more thing, last time I checked, it was okay for illegal immigrants to dress and act like us, but we can't dress and act like them?  I mean, if this picture doesn't depict immigrants posing like Americans, I don't know what picture does. We're just trying to blend into the American population, just like you.

15 October 2009

Earth Has A Fever; Humans Have The Cure

The planet Earth is amazing and there will never be anything like her again.  She gives us food, water, heat, beauty, and life.  She takes care of us, from birth to death, each and every generation.  Unfortunately, she has a sickness; BUT, we have the anecdote.  We need to cure her before it's too late.  We need to return the favor and give her life.

I decided to participate in Blog Action Day, which, according to the website, is "an annual event that unites the world's bloggers in posting about the same issue on the same day on their own blogs with the aim of sparking discussion around an issue of global importance.  Blog Action Day 2009 will be the largest-ever social event on the web.  One day. One issue.  Thousands of voices".

This year's topic: Climate Change.  If you are a blogger, please post your own blog about climate change.  If you are just a reader, please forward this blog to as many people as you can to raise awareness about this topic.  It doesn't matter what day, what month, or what year it is; anytime is a good time for awareness and change.

Although my voice may be quiet when it stands alone, when united with thousands of other voices, it is BOOMING!

Once upon a time, all climate changes occurred naturally; that is, until the Industrial Revolution.  During the Industrial Revolution, people started using machines to make their lives easier in both agricultural and industrial practices.  This revolution completely changed the way humans lived their lives, and with that, it also changed the climate.

What exactly is climate change?  First, it's important to know what a climate is--a long-term average of a region's weather, which includes temperature, precipitation, humidity, wind, etc.  Climate change simply represents changes in these long-term averages and weather patterns.  With climate change, weather patterns for specific regions can get warmer or cooler, raineer or drier, etc.  Although climate change still occurs naturally, humans have affected climate change the most.

Along with climate change is the idea of global warming.  Many people joke about global warming; for example, someone in the Midwest will say "It's snowing in August! Global warming my @SS!!!"  Global warming refers to an average increase in the Earth's temperature, which can cause changes in climates around the world.  Earth's temperature has raised about 1° F over the past 100 years.

This 1° F seems pretty insignificant, but that 1° F has changed everything.  It has contributed to changes in rainfall patterns, a rise in sea level, and has had a wide range of impacts on plants, wildlife, and even humans.  So when people joke about global warming, they're taking the term warming a little too literally at times; yes, the planet is technically getting warmer, regions such as the Midwest may experience cooler weather at times when the climate's average is warmer weather.

What causes global warming?  The same thing as what causes climate change--natural events and humans.  What most people don't realize is exactly how they control climate change and global warming.  Sure, population growth, deforestation, and burning of fossil fuels are all human activities and they all affect climate change by affecting the mixture of gases in the atmosphere.  The energy it takes to light and heat and the electricity it takes to power are homes are major influences on the climate as well, not to mention the power plants, transportation, air pollution, and other ways we use fuel.  But, it's the smaller things we do that also make the difference in changing our climate.

Your favorite TV show is on, you're going on a hot date and your hair needs a blow dry, your house is hot so you turn on the A/C, you just bought a new album and can't wait to listen to it, or you reheat leftovers in the microwave--every time you engage in these seemingly minor activities, you are helping send greenhouse gases into the air!  In order to perform these functions, we rely on electricity, which comes from power plants and since most power plants use coal and/or oil to make electricity, burning coal/oil produces greenhouse gases!

Not only is our climate affected, but humans and ecological systems are affected as well.  Climate change can affect the health of humans both directly and indirectly.  For example, extremely hot temperatures and high humidity cause heat related health problems.  On the same note, ecological disturbances, pollution, flooding, and changes in food and water supplies also impact human health.

The world's habitats and ecosystems are very specific and rely on a certain climate to thrive and survive.  These regions rely on a variety of things--rainfall, temperature, soil type, wind, etc. to survive and a change in climate can upset this balance and endanger these ecosystems.  Since most climate changes have occurred slowly, many plants and animals have adapted to these changes, or they have simply moved elsewhere.  But if the climate changes occur more rapidly like some scientists are predicting, the animals and plants in these ecosystems may not be able to react accordingly and they could become endangered.

The sea level is in danger of rising even more as well.  As Earth's temperature rises, the glaciers start melting and they add more water to the ocean.  Also, warmer temperatures make water expand, which makes the sea level rise.  With the rising of the sea level comes coastal flooding, which can cause saltwater to flow into freshwater areas, thus harming plants and wildlife that depend on freshwater.  Coastal flooding also affects beachfront properties, as well as beaches.

EVERYTHING and EVERYONE on planet Earth is affected by climate change, but EVERYONE can make a difference.  Although there are huge, major natural events and human controlled reasons and events for climate change, there are also small ones; so, it makes sense that there are both major and minor things we as humans can do to curb global warming and change the climate for the better.

1. LEARN AND SHARE: In order to understand the environment, one must learn about it.  There are many informative books at your library or bookstore, as well as websites and even classes you can attend to learn more about the environment.  Once you have educated yourself, it's time to educate your family and friends.  Not everyone is easygoing about change, but with a few helpful tips, facts, and if you lead by example, they'll be more likely to follow your lead!  Check out the EPA's website about climate change and spread the wealth of your knowledge.

2.  SAVE ELECTRICITY/SAVE ENERGY: Believe it or not, turning off lights, fans, TV's, stereos, and other electronics DOES conserve electricity and energy! Check out ways you and your family can help conserve electricity and energy.  Contact your local electricity provider for helpful energy efficient tips.  You can also visit Energy Star for information about energy efficient consumer products, as well as helpful tips and information.

3. PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION/BIKE/WALK: Driving a car is not a bad thing; you just have to be smart about it.  If possible, get an electric car, investigate whether or not your car accepts Flex-Fuel, or buy a Hybrid of your favorite brand.  For more information about energy efficient and environment friendly vehicles, visit Fuel Economy.  If that's not possible, then ride the bus, your bike, or use your own two legs to transport you to work, the store, the mall, the park, or other places in town.  You can also carpool or even share a taxi with someone.  Not only are these options cheaper, but they are better for the environment as well.

4. PLANT TREES: Planting trees and other leafy plants are a great way to reduce greenhouse gases in the environment because trees can absorb carbon dioxide, a harmful greenhouse gas.  Go to your local nursery or plant store to purchase a tree to plant in your yard, or get involved in a community tree planting.  Trees are not only great for the environment and are aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

5.  RECYCLE: A person's trash is another person's treasure.  Recycle glass, plastic, paper, and anything else that can be cleaned and reused.  Purchase cloth bags to use when you go shopping instead of plastic; if you do use plastic bags at the store, take them home and recycle them by using them for something else.  Reuse folders in your office or at home.  When people recycle, we send less trash to the landfill and help save on natural resources such as trees, metals, and oil.  Learn more about recycling and how to apply it to your life.

6.  CONVENIENCE OR ENVIRONMENT: This day in age, it seems every product gets more and more packaged up!  Food stores sell 12-packs of individual plastic water bottles, 6-pack cookies/crackers/chips, and individual applesauce, jellos, puddings, etc.  Electronic stores wrap products multiple times in plastic, pack it in Styrofoam, then in multiple boxes before you can take it home.  Yes, individual servings are more convenient, but they are a million times worse for the environment.  Invest in a Nalgene bottle instead of buying and wasting plastic water bottles.  Invest in Tupperware to put chips, applesauce, pudding, veggies and other food items instead of wasting plastic and paper on individual packs or sandwich bags.

Obviously, this blog does not cover ALL the issues about climate change and global warming, or ALL the ways each person on this planet can help fix the problem, but it's a start.  

Whatever you do, do NOT ignore this problem.  We helped cause climate change and global warming; now, it's up to us to fix it!  We hold Earth's future in the palm of our hands, and it's time for a change.   Mother Earth is waiting for us to heal her.

14 October 2009

Craigslist Whore

I've gone and done it...I've become one among the proud, elite crowd of classified hounds.  I have made an account on Craigslist so I can whore myself out to make a few bucks.  Scroll down under "write/edit/tr8", and you should find my ad.  If not, here's my ad (no, it's not a personal ad):

Experienced novelist/blogger/proofreader/editor looking to help you with your next writing project!

--Are you a student (middle/high school or college), looking for help with your paper/story/novel/essay/article?

--Are you a blogger, looking for help with a catchy, fun, and unique blog posting?

--Are you a writer, looking for help with your novel/poem/short story?

I have a Bachelor's Degree in English and am an experienced novelist with two blogs and can help you write, proofread, and/or edit your next project.  I have written numerous essays and papers in college, as well as stories and poems.  I am an avid writer/reader/novelist/blogger, so my experience is mainly in the creative writing field, but am open for other fields.  Please see my rates below.  You will find my rates are fairly standard and competitive.  Certain writing samples and blog websites available upon request.


Blogging: $20/post up to 400 words. After that, $.05 (5 cents) per word. 
**Topics can include, but are not limited to:    
Pop culture

Story/Essay/Poem/Article: please contact with project details for accurate quote and availability


Novel/Story/Essay/Script/Poem: $25/hour (minimum charge $10) for approximately 5-7 pages of double spaced print
**Please contact with project details for accurate quote and availability
**Includes spelling, punctuation, grammar, word choice

Blog/Other: $25/hour (minimum charge $10) for approximately 500 words
**Please contact with project details for accurate quote and availability
**Includes spelling, punctuation, grammar, word choice

**Please contact with project details for accurate quote and availability
**Includes proofreading, as well as formatting, style, and accuracy, as well as making sure the document is clear, correct, concise, comprehensible, and consistent

Do you know anyone who might be interested? If you do, please act as my free working pimp and send clients my way.  

13 October 2009

Who Wants A Mustache Ride???

Don't ask me how, but somehow I seem to come across the most amazing information.  Today, I learned about the American Mustache Institute, located in St. Louis, MO.  According to the website, "AMI is an advocacy organization protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans by promoting the growth, care, and culture of the mustache".

The AMI not only outlines the history of the mustache, the different types of mustaches, but also lists contests and events honoring the mustache.  The most recent contest is the 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year, where you can visit the website and vote for your favorite mustached American.  The winner will be announced on October 30, 2009 at Stache Bash 2009, which happens to be exactly two years after Robert Goulet passed away.

Besides my obsession with mullets, I have to say I am deeply entranced and wonder struck by mustaches.  My dad has had one, at least since I was born, if not before, and when asked to shave it, he starts getting facial tics, breathing heavily, and beads of sweat form on his upper lip, oddly enough, on the skin under his mustache.  It's become a part of him, a limb of sorts. If he were to lose his mustache, it'd be like losing an arm or a leg, and that would make anyone nervous.

I probably wouldn't even recognize my own father without that salt and pepper mustache, and I'm pretty sure if he could place a monetary value on it, he would.  Don't forget to write your mustache into your will Papa Kelly.  There's no way Tom Kelly would shave off his mustache--not on a dare, not with a threat of a deadly mustache bacteria, not even with the offer of one million bucks!  The AMI would be proud of you for that.

I feel that if one day you did decide to shave off your stache, this is what you'd look like--Alex Trebek sans a stache.

Thanks to the AMI website, I am sharing with you a few different types of mustaches.  So Dad, if you're reading this, be prepared for a nomination into the 2010 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year contest next year. I'm not sure under which category your mustache falls, but they might have to make a new category of mustache known as "America's Oldest, Living, Breathing Mustache" or "Salt n Pepa Stache".  You would win in both categories. For sure. 


A thick and wide mustache, usually worn long to cover the top border of the upper lip.


A narrow mustache with long points bent or curved steeply upward. Named for artist Salvador Dali.
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A narrow divided mustache that begins at the middle of the upper lip, with long whiskers pulled to either side of the center. The areas beyond the corners of the mouth are typically shaved.
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Fu manchu

A mustache that begins on the upper lip and whose whiskers are grown very long to extend down each side of the mouth down to the to jaw. The areas just past the corners of the mouth are shaven, thus differentiating this style from the "horseshoe" (see below).
Fu manchu
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A handlebar mustache can be worn large or small ("petit handlebar"); it is characterized by the fact that it is bushy and must be worn long enough to curl the ends upward, which is usually achieved with styling wax.
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A full moustache with vertical extensions grown on the corners of the lips and down the sides of the mouth to the jawline, resembling an upside-down horseshoe. The whiskers grown along the sides of the mouth in the horseshoe are sometimes referred to as "pipes." Not to be confused with the "fu manchu" which is grown long from the upper lip only-- the sides remain shaven in the fu manchu.
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A large mustache growing from both the upper lip and cheeks, whiskers from the cheeks are styled pointing upward.
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A mustache similar to the "painter's brush," but with corners angled slightly, resembling the shape of a lampshade.
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Painter's brush

A thick mustache covering the width of the mouth, usually worn short, with slightly rounded corners.
Painter's brush
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A thin, narrow, closely clipped mustache that outlines the upper lip. Pencil style mustaches can be trimmed in different manners (see below). Also sometimes called a "mouthbrow."
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A general name for mustaches shaped narrow on top and wide on the bottom, like a pyramid. Pyramidal mustaches can be shaped in a variety of ways, as shown below.
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A thick mustache, shaved to be about an inch wide in the center.
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A large, bushy, droopy mustache that hangs down over the lips, often entirely covering the mouth.

For your entertainment, I have included a list of my top ten favorite mustached people:

1. Tom Kelly (see above pic)
2. Tom Selleck
3. Ron Jeremy
4. Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell in Anchorman)
5. Burt Reynolds
6. Geraldo Rivera
7. Johnny Depp
8. Martin Luther King Jr.
9. Borat
10. Alex Trebek

P.S. Milk or Koolaid mustaches don't count. 

Made by Lena