12 October 2009

Playboy Twitter Twatter

I am a pop culture junkie, so it's no surprise I hang out at Popeater

Today, I clicked on "Celebrity Twitter" to see what our celeb pals are tweeting about.  The first one mentioned something about Jessica Simpson and how people are pranking her, saying they found her dog Daisy.  Cruel? Indeed.  Slightly funny? In a twisted way, yes.

Kris Allen tweeted about how he's recording his music in the same studio where Prince recorded Purple Rain and trying to soak it all in, no pun intended.

Kelly Osbourne tweeted about how she won some stupid award for her unique style of dressing.  I didn't know "rehab" was an outfit.

But the tweet that caught my eye belonged to Hugh Hefner's ex girlfriend Bridget Marquardt, or "BM" as I dubbed her.  I read it, and then reread, and during the third reading, I realized this was a tweet that demanded me to read between the lines and make my own translation.

She tweeted: "My palms were sweating with anticipation and nervousness throughout Paranormal Activity.  Unfortunately, it never paid off.  Not too scary". 

Seems pretty normal, right? Well, let's rewind.  Who is Bridget Marquardt? Apparently she was a "Girl Next Door" on E! and lived at the Playboy mansion as one of Hefner's girlfriends...one of many that is.  The old bastard is ALWAYS seen with 2 or more women on his flanks...Anyone else notice the Playboy mansion is a glorified polygamy compound, but with hotter/less clothed women, and only one man? 

I digress.  Here's how I interpreted her tweet--I'll break it down for you, sentence by sentence, and beware, there are only 3...folks, there's a reason she was a Playboy bunny, and not an astronaut.

"My palms were sweating with anticipation and nervousness throughout Paranormal Activity" = "My hands were lubed up during sexual activity with an old man who was alive when T-Rex ruled the world, which in and of itself makes it 'paranormal activity'."

"Unfortunately, it never paid off"= "Damnit! I got my hands all lubed up for nothing! Damn old man can barely get it half mast, let alone full sail with fireworks!"

"Not too scary" = "I've seen and done A LOT worse!"

Next time BM, you don't have to speak in code to get your point across.  Just say what you mean.


Lady Wise said...

Brilliant translation. You ought to do this for a living. You know that awkard stage when you're dating someone new and you have to work them out over text message? You should sell a translation service. "He's just not that into you."

You could make a fortune.

KC Kelly said...

Haha...that'd be awesome. I should offer a service where I offer confrontations of all sorts...like, when someone wants to break up with someone, I step in and do it? Hahaha...

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