White Trash Family

This past Saturday night, Emily and I had gone to a graduation party and out for drinks before we stopped at IHOP on our way home.  When we got there, the place wasn't that busy, but there was only one cook and two waitresses on duty.  One waitress was a heavier woman with not a full set of teeth; and the other was an elderly woman who walked with a crooked stance.  Obviously, they are not working third shift for fun.  They need the money.

Upon first glance, there were only a few tables occupied. As we waited to be seated, some white trash woman wearing a tank top (no bra) and sweatpants walked past me and exited the restaurant and said "You'll wait 30 minutes for a pop" in a deep man voice, similar to Kathleen Turner's voice.  I was puzzled, but ignored it. I hate it when strangers talk to me for no reason, and this bitch was certainly no exception.

When we walked around the corner to the dining area, we noticed a very large (both in size and quantity of people) family occupying the entire back half of the restaurant.  A booth lined the entire back wall and instead of occupying one or two tables, this family scattered themselves everywhere.

Our waitress came to take our order and as soon as she brought our beverages, the complaining started.  According to one of the daughters (aged 20-something), they had been there for 30 minutes and had no food and they waited forever for their pop. Who the fuck says pop anyway? It's soda you dumb bitch.

The party in the back was full of white trash. Not trash you put in the dumpster, although I would have loved to throw them away like garbage...I'm talking the trashiest white trash people that have possibly ever crossed my path. Pretty sure most of the women looked like the women in this picture.

There were a few couples and a few children (all adult age). A good mix of mother/father and uncle/aunt combo.  The woman who sounded like Kathleen Turner came back inside from a smoke break and was served her food.  While she and her husband ate, the rest of the family complained about how they hoped they enjoyed the food because everyone else had to wait.

The elderly waitress was waiting on them and explained that they had to send two staff home and so there was only one cook and they were doing the best they could.  Any compassionate human being would have stopped complaining after that and just sucked it up.  Our snaggle-tooth waitress came over and explained the same thing and I smiled at her and said "it's okay. shit happens" and she was grateful for our patience.

We were there about an hour. Within that hour, all I heard was this family talking shit about both waitresses, hassling the cook, and taking at least 37 smoke breaks.  There was even a point in time when at least 5 police cars sped by with lights flashing and sirens blaring and it didn't take long for most of the family members to run outside to be nosy.

There was one lady in particular, a real gem, who was the worst. She was real disgusting like-nasty teeth, horrible outfit, and a haircut that even the 80's would have rejected.  She complained the entire time about not getting enough pop, her food being late, and when her sirloin tips were delivered, she complained that there were onions in them.  The waitress offered to bring it back and she refused because she didn't want to wait any longer. She even referred to our waitress as "tubby wubby"; meanwhile, she's packing DD tits, a few spare tires around her torso, and a very large FUPA to boot.  Tubby wubby? That's you lady. Look in the mirror as you spill sirloin tips and mashed potatoes on your clearly unwashed tank top and in your greasy, frizzy hair that's resting in your pile of gravy.

The elderly waitress was really patient with the white trash family.  Instead of getting upset while they complained about the cook, and threatened to get the other waitress fired because she forgot their "pop", she asked them questions about where they're from and why they're here.  The couple who got their food first drove down from Michigan and the other ones flew here. Guess why?

They're all going on a cruise! Holy shit do I EVER feel bad for anyone on that cruise who is so unlucky to encounter this family. When the waitress asked if they like Florida, the sirloin tip bitch says "Eh. I prefer Michigan". You know what tubby wubby, you would say that! All you need to say is yes, because that's clearly why you're here. If you preferred Michigan, please, by all means, go the fuck back! We already have a 87.9% ignorance rate in this damn state so we don't need you here. I just hope none of these white trash women don't decide to dress like this women while on the cruise.  Although I'm sure they will. I even mentioned to Emily that these women are the type of women who honestly think they look phenomenal in a biking.

While the sirloin tip bitch was stuffing her face, a woman I believed to be her daughter would not shut her damn mouth.  "This is bullshit. I've been here for a fucking hour and a half. I ordered pancakes. How long does it take to get pancakes?" Meantime, I whispered to Emily that I really hoped our food came out before theirs did.  And guess what. It did. And as soon as it did, it was literally a redneck verbal explosion in the back of the restaurant.

To make matters worse, there was an Indian guy attempting to enjoy a cup of coffee while he attempted to look up my skirt. I was sitting in the booth, wearing a skirt but my legs were crossed, and I knew the most this perv could see was my knees, but that didn't stop him from peering over his creepy Coke bottle glasses to get a good look at my goodies. I told him he wasn't gonna get a free show, but I don't think he heard me because he kept peering over the top of his glasses while tilting his head down. Creeper.

While Emily and I were eating, a couple next to us were damn near falling asleep because there food still hadn't arrived.  The Indian guy asked us how long we had been waiting and Emily replied we hadn't been waiting that long.  Then at least two fat white trash bitches pipe up from the back of the restaurant and say "We've been waiting two fucking hours!" (keep in mind their idea of time was moving way faster than the actual clock. They said they got there at quarter to midnight and when we left, it had only been an hour and fifteen minutes that they had been there).  Then Emily says "he wasn't asking you. he was asking us" and they just glared at her.

After we had completed our mediocre meal (while enduring an hour of constant bitching and whining from the back and the sides of the restaurant) our waitress brought our bill.  I was really concerned for the elderly waitress that these fuck sticks would stiff her on the tip.  They kept saying "oh, it's not your fault. it's still fucking bullshit, but no, it's not your fault". Clearly, they're basically saying they didn't care whose fault it was.  They even went so far as to say "can we get some free pop for having to wait for so long?" Can you imagine if they have to wait in line during their cruise? They're gonna be those people and complain and try to get free shit they don't deserve.

The bill was only $18.95.  I paid with my debit card but asked my waitress for two ten dollar bills in exchange for my $20 bill.  We traded and then I explained to her I wanted her to keep $10 and give the other $10 to the other waitress.  She looked shocked, but I told her I had a bad feeling neither of them were going to be tipped well all night.  Usually, I wouldn't fork over a $10 tip at IHOP on a barely $20 bill, but I felt someone had to.  These poor waitresses were not at fault for being short staffed in the kitchen.  Our waitress did as instructed and took the other $10 to the elderly waitress, who didn't hesitate to come over to our table. I explained to her that she was doing a good job and the $10 was because I knew she wouldn't get a good tip, if at all, from the classy family in the back.

They had also talked about having to leave together because they all came in the same van.  When Emily and I left for the night, we walked past said van.  Holy shit. How ridiculous! The van (keep in mind there were approximately 10 people in this white trash party) only had two seats. Two in the front.  The van appeared to have no seating in the back whatsoever. Not even sure it had windows on the sides, just on the back door and in the front.  It was like they were being herded like cattle into the back of the van, which is obviously fitting for them.

I learned a few lessons from this late night IHOP trip.
1. Never go to IHOP at night. Or ever.
2. Find it in your heart (and wallet) to over compensate on your bill when you know an elderly waitress is going to get stiffed.
3. Nasty fat white people with bad teeth, bad manners, and loud raspy voices are white trash. It's prejudiced but goddamnit, it's true.
4. These people absorbed the definition of white trash in their rolls of fat, bad manners, and horrific attitudes to the point someone needs to invent another word for white trash.

Can you imagine these fuckers waiting in line for a roller coaster? Not only would their bodies be sticky from sweat and spilled sugary pop 'tween their tits, but they would no doubt have extreme body odor coming from places on their bodies that shouldn't exist in the first place (see FUPA), but they would be obnoxious as all hell, completely ruining everyone else's good time.  They should be banned from cruises, Disney, restaurants, public, and basically life.

I hope someone gives you all a "pop" in the head so you all go overboard on your cruise and get lost at sea. You deserve it.  Oh, and sirloin tip bitch, you need to put this sign on your overly large back so we at least have warning that you're around.

Mum's The Word

**Previously published...changed web address of post**

When I discovered this website, my first reaction was, WTF?!?!?!  And then, I nearly menstruated with excitement about this magical website..  


Welcome to the Museum of Menstruation and Women's Health.   This is a website, poorly set up I might add, but educational and clever, dedicated to menstruation and women's health.  I was unaware menstruation needed a museum, but here we are. 

On this website, you can find articles titled "The Beauty of Artificial Virginity", and "Solving The Period Problem: Researchers Develop Sanitary Pads From Local, Organic Materials", which are both great and educating reads.

Perhaps one of the best parts of this website is the Tampon Directory, where you can learn the history and brands of tampons and their early uses.

What really is the icing on the cake, or the string in the tampon if you will, are the various words and phrases used to describe menstruation.  After researching at length on this website, I have compiled a list of my favorites.  If you are a woman, I hope you enjoy these as much as I did, as they are now added to my already impressive and extensive vocabulary.

Top 20 Words/Phrases To Describe Menstruation
1. "A Little Ketchup With My Steak"
2. "A Snatch Box Decorated With Red Roses"
3. "Attracting The Lesbian Vampires"
4. "Black Towel Time"
5. "B.L.A.S.P." (Bleeding Like A Stuffed Pig)
6. "Blow-Job Season"
7. "Code Red"
8. "Congratulations! It's An Egg!"
9. "Double Barrel Technique"
10. "Dracula's Tea Bag"
11. "Get The Crime Scene Tape"
12. "I'm Not Pregnant"
13. "Lady In The Red Dress"
14. "Losing My Lining"
15. "Not Tonight Dear; Miss Scarlett's Coming Home To Tara"
16. "Pad Straddling"
17. "Riding The Cotton Pony"
18. "Rusty Beaver"
19. "Shark Week"
20. "Your Vagina Is Emo! It's So Desperate For Attention, It's Bleeding!"

Fame vs Infamy

Seriously?!?! What's next for Kate G? First, she was on Discovery, then TLC, then she and her hubby graced every magazine cover and tabloid cover for a year, and now she's on ABC on the show "Dancing With The Stars".  My question is, how did this happen? And NOW she wants to grace the cover of Playboy?

That's the newest on "Momzilla", aka Kate Gosselin.  According to CNN.com, "When asked if there was any possibility that the mother-of-eight would grace the glossy covers of Playboy, Hugh Hefner says, “No! No!” And the original playboy added insult to injury by suggesting he doesn’t even know why she’s on Dancing with the Stars. Hef explained, “I don’t think she’s a celebrity.”

You know Hef, I don't usually agree with you or your tactics; quite frankly, I think you're an old pervert, but I couldn't agree with you more. Not only is she an ogre, inside and out, but she's not even a celebrity/star! And I certainly can't imagine Hef posing for a pic like this any time soon:

Shallow? Yes. But that's how Hugh is. He didn't get to where he is today by hanging out with women like Kate Gosselin.  So why would he allow her to be in his magazine, or possibly even own one? And yes, that is a real pic of Kate G (see my blog post about that pic here).

Kate has recently received a makeover for DWTS, a makeover where she's barely recognizable until she opens her mouth, or makes any facial expression.  If she just stands in one spot and smiles like a mannequin, no one would really know it was her, especially without the backwards mullet she sported for years! But she is incapable of doing that.  She's always making a sour face and when she opens her mouth, nothing but toxic words ooze out.  So she has had an ego boost about her makeover, but I think she's forgotten everything else.  Luckily for her, I haven't.

Not only has Kate had 8 children, plastic surgery, and a partial lobotomy, but it's bad enough we have to see her face and listen to her talk, let alone possibly see her pink panther?!  I mean, next time someone has sex with her (if EVER anyone will go there), it'll be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway! Kate, Your love triangle is bent way out of shape, not to mention your boobs from breast feeding more offspring than a barnyard animal...there's only so much air brushing can actually do for you!

It's time for you to face the music.  No one wants to see your naked body, not even your husband (hence why he cheated) so what makes you think the rest of America wants to.  On top of that, learn to dance already or get off the damn show!

Apparently, "Dancing judge Bruno Tonioli visited Lopez Tonight on April 7 and while he didn’t question Kate’s celebrity status he did call her ballroom skills 'dreadful', 'a catastrophe' and 'crap.'" All adjectives that can also be used to describe Kate as a person!

Instead of Kate focusing on pretending to dance on DWTS or thinking her 35-year old mombody is actually attractive and good enough to be in Playboy magazine, she really needs to learn the difference between fame and infamy. Since I know she won't do it herself, I'll help you out.

Fame: the state or quality of being widely honored and acclaimed.  Fame refers to renown and reputation, or a position of public prominence. All of the associations with fame are generally positive, implying the person is respected and honored as well as being famous.
 Infamy: a state of extreme dishonor. The associations with infamy are negative, suggesting that although someone and his or her actions are well known, many people wish that this was not the case.

People who are famous: Michael Jackson. Muhammad Ali.  Amelia Earhart. Leonardo DiVinci.
 People who are infamous:  John Dillinger.  Charles Manson. Ted Bundy.  Hitler.  Jon & Kate Gosselin.  

Keep that in mind next time you get a hair brained idea to try and get on the cover of Playboy.  Chelsea Handler, Kate Beckinsale, Angelina Jolie...now they belong on the cover.  Kate G? Not so much.  That's like asking the mom from the TLC show "19 Kids & counting" to let the world see her naked body, after giving birth to a small tribe! No thank you!

The only cover you should be on, Kate, is "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader", placed right next to the toilet while I take my morning dump.  I took the liberty to even create a sample cover.  It seems fitting.

**Disclaimer: Please remember I am not prejudiced towards women who are not up to Hugh Hefner's standards to be in Playboy or on the cover.  This is simply for entertainment purposes only.**

Beauty and the Bitch

Things surely do change in six years.  It seems as though Kate G was probably awesome as an ogre back in 2004--humble, modest, full of love for her family and husband...but the prettier (I use that term loosely and only to compare her now to what she used to look like) and more famous she got, the uglier her personality became.
  
She may have looked like an ogre in 2004, but in 2010 her personality is truly the monster.

It's really no wonder why Jon cheated on her. I would have too if I was put down constantly and figuratively castrated on national TV.  Not that I condone cheating, but when your looks change for the better but your personality changes for the worse, you suck at life.

And BTW, you're not a good dancer. Not one bit.

Starving For Attention

I know I've said this before in a previous blog post, so I'll try not to be redundant and change it up.  I always suspected Asians were a bit odd, different, and were addicted to electronics, but this Korean couple definitely took it to a horrifying level.

Meet Kim Yoo-chul, 41, and his partner Choi Mi-sun, 25, a Korean couple from a suburb of Seoul, who recently gave birth to a baby girl...who is now dead (starved to death) because her parents are idiots and are addicted to some stupid MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role playing game). What the acronym should mean: YWNGLIYPTTOG (you will never get laid if you play this type of game!)

This specific MMORPG game is called "Prius online" and it reminds me of the American game, "The Sims", but in this version it's like anime and the point is to...um, well, I'm not exactly sure what the point is.  Here's what the website says about the game and it's purpose:

1. Emotional Exchange System:  Anima may seem to find it hard to express her feelings at first. Let her engage in various emotional experiences with you - you’ll notice her growth and she’ll start to show her feelings to you in return. Make no mistake - your Anima is not a passive unit that simply tags along with you and follow your orders. She is your companion with her own intentions who knows how to express her feelings.

2. Your Companion Anima: You get to meet Anima like you meet your soul mate once you start adjusting yourself to the new world. You and Anima will soon reach that quiescent place where the star tree stands through heart-pounding connection with each other. It is like a fated karma that began to revive from the distant memory of eternity.


3. Emotional Awakening System: You get to meet Anima when she lost her memory and maintains only a vague state of emotions. Nonetheless, she regains her forgotten memories one by one through various experiences you share with her along the journey.


4. Intimate Bonds: The more you sympathize with your Anima, the higher the efficiency becomes for everything she does for you. Higher intimacy allows her to kick off her skills and forces swiftly for you to escape from dangerous moments.

Basically this Korean couple put all their time and effort into raising a virtual child, time and effort that should have been spent raising their real baby!  According to the The Telegraph, this couple only fed their actual 3-month old child in between 12-hour sessions of playing this game at a neighborhood internet cafe, where they were "raising" their avatar baby.  Sounds creepy to me.

The article states: "Leaving their real daughter at their home in a suburb of Seoul to fend for herself, the pair, who were unemployed, spent hours role-playing in the virtual reality game, which allows users to choose a career and friends, granting them offspring as a reward for passing a certain level.  The pair became obsessed with nurturing their virtual daughter, called Anima, but neglected their real daughter, who was not named".

In September, the couple returned home from a 12-hour session to find their real child dead.  The autopsy said the baby died from prolonged malnutrition.  My question is, what is the parents' punishment going to be? I think someone should starve them to death for doing this to an innocent child all in the name of a stupid video game!

This couple found out the hard way what video games can really do to people, families, and relationships.  I know other people and couples who struggle with the issue of spending too much time playing a video game, but I've never heard of anyone actually neglecting their own child for a virtual child.  Maybe neglecting another family member for a few hours while playing a video game, sure, but not to this extent where someone dies because of it.

Chung Jin-won, a police officer in Suwon, the Seoul suburb, gave this statement to a news agency: "The couple seemed to have lost their will to live a normal life, because they didn't have jobs and gave birth to a premature baby".  Um, is that a fact or are you making an assumption because you don't want to believe that people are capable of something this tragic and stupid?

I don't think they lost the will to live; clearly, they could get up and get ready for the internet cafe and had the will to live to take care of their avatar child.  And they didn't have jobs because they spent 12 hours at the internet cafe!  I think that's an excuse to cover their own asses.  But what does this baby being a premature baby have to do with anything?  


I have to admit, I personally enjoy playing video games. I have a PS2, a Nintendo Wii, and a PSP.  But my gameplay is under control. My relationships aren't neglected, nor do I waste an entire day playing a game.  There's more to life than a virtual world.


But for those of you people out there who have the tendency to get obsessed with games, or if you are feeling lonely and need to find a companion, check out the Prius game website and take care of your own anime child.  Just don't neglect your own child or other relationships because of it! No one should die because you were too addicted to a video game.

See also: "Cyber Marriage". Weird how these two blog posts intertwine so well together.

I Love You Means Shit To Me

Nothing says "I Love You" like a pile of shit...even better, when it's actually written with piles of shit.

A farmer in Iowa wanted his wife to know he was thinking about her on her birthday, and the best way for him to express himself was with shit.

I've been known to do that back in my glory days, parading around the house as a toddler, but I at least kept it in my diaper..and stopped when I got my big girl panties.

This farmer, Dick Kleis, used 120,000 pounds of manure to basically write out "HAP B DAY LUV U" in the snow to show his affection for his wife.

He said it only took about three hours to write the shitty message, and even said it's not very difficult to do.  His expert advice to those of you wanting to write your beloved a message with shit, particularly in the snow: "Any manure will work but the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best. It kind of melts the snow."

Wouldn't you think a farmer in rural Iowa would have thought to use bales of hay to convey his message or take a lesson from graffiti artists and use spray paint instead of using 60 tons of shit to say "I Love You"?

According to his wife, she says although it's a little weird, she still says he "dung good" when asked if she got the perfect birthday present.  I say he's a dungass.

Dick Kleis wasn't the only person with this shitty idea though.  Another farmer in Minnesota, Bruce Andersland, showed his affection for his wife on Valentine's Day by creating a heart shaped pile of poop...with an arrow through it.

Bruce's wife said it was the largest valentine she had ever received.  No kidding. It's a field covered in heart shaped poop.  Apparently, Bruce had the idea because the square mile, snow covered field seemed fitting for something.

Um, a poop shaped heart was the only thing you could think of to utilize this land? How about farming it? No, I get it...playing with shit is always more fun.

If anyone wrote me a message in shit, piss, blood, semen, or any other bodily fluid, that person would be dead to me.

Prescription Mints??

People are stupid.  Really, really, fucking stupid.  And they get away with it.

Two 4th grade teachers at Westchase Elementary School in Tampa, FL, decided they would be "creative" and help their students deal with FCAT jitters. Curing jitters could include some stress relief like exercise, or playing fun games.  But that's not what they decided.

One of the student's grandmothers, Sandy Young, says she walked into the classroom and saw orange prescription bottles sitting on everyone's desk.  Immediately, she was concerned.  Hell, I would be too.  A classroom full of 4th grade prescription drug abusers is something to be concerned about.

The teacher, Beth Watson, told the grandmother there were no drugs in the bottles, just mints.  Upon closer investigation, the bottles allegedly read "Watson's Whiz Kid Pharmacy. Take 1 tablet by mouth EVERY 5 MINUTES to cure FCAT jitters. Repeated use may cause craft to spontaneously ooze from pores. No refills. Ms. (Deborah) Falcon's authorization required."

WTF? Why would two educated teachers think it was appropriate to put mints in prescription pill bottles as a creative way to calm their students before they were about to take the FCATs? What is that teaching besides the only way to cure "jitters" (adult terms--stress) is by relying on the orange bottle and some white pills? Or, how about when the students go home and look in the medicine cabinet and find a prescription for Xanax or Percocet, and think the pills are actually mints like their stupid teachers imprinted in their brains?

Apparently, the teachers said the idea was tied to Roald Dahl's book, "George's Marvelous Medicine", which is about a boy who concocts potion to change the disposition of his cranky grandmother.

Um...not the same idea. Not even remotely close.

Potions are completely different than prescription pills! You don't see Harry Potter popping pills or using a tourniquet on his arm and injecting himself with a needle.  These teachers should be fired for their stupidity.  Instead, they will not even be disciplined because it was not their intention to promote drug use.

Really? Is that why they bought orange prescription bottles, filled them with white mints that resemble pills, wrote up a fake prescription to put on the bottle, and then doled them out to their students to medicate their jitters? No, that doesn't sound like promoting drug use to me. Not one bit.

Teachers have just as much impact on kids as parents do, and generally they should all be on the same page.  So, you try to keep your kids away from drugs at home, yet when they get to school, they get the message that it's okay? WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait for these kids to grow up.  This one incident may not have harmed them short term, but now all of these 4th graders have the idea that when life gets too hard, all they have to do is turn to an orange bottle and everything will go away.  I personally can't wait to see this entire class on A&E's Intervention in less than a decade.

To Grill, or Not To Grill?

This weekend, Emily and I decided to have a couple friends over for a BBQ, drinks, and games.  Friday night, it sounded like a great idea.  All week, it had been relatively cold for South Florida, but Friday was 70 degrees, sunny, breezy, and just beautiful.  Naturally, I assumed the next day would be the same.

I was wrong. Overnight, the 70 degrees was replaced by a cold front, and when I woke up Saturday morning, it was 35 degrees, windy, cold, and rainy.  I was convinced my plans to grill BBQ chicken breast cutlets, with my own homemade BBQ sauce, was ruined.  It was then that I had to make the decision...to grill, or not to grill?

Still undecided, we went to the grocery store and got all the necessary items to have a successful BBQ.  Our friends came over that evening and I still wasn't sure if I was confident enough to brave the elements just for a couple pieces of meat on the grill. We snacked on hors d'œuvres, drank wine, and chatted. 

Around seven o'clock that evening, I decided I would brave the weather and start the grill.  We have a patio so are able to stay dry outside if we choose, but it's not very big.  Being a responsible adult who is paranoid about fire, I knew my only option was to put my grill on the grass, and hope it didn't get rained out.  At that point, it was raining, but not as hard as it had been all day; it was more or less sprinkling. 

I stacked the charcoal in a little pile in my Kingsford tabletop grill (hey now, it's convenient for camping), doused the nuggets with lighter fluid, and set it ablaze.  Surprisingly, the coals, fluid, and flame worked together beautifully and started a nice fire, which roared for a good 5 or 7 minutes before the nuggets became hot embers. 

I was ecstatic! Although it was cold out, now we would have grilled meat to accompany the garden pasta salad and fruit salsa we had prepared.  Normally on a cold rainy day like this, I would have opted for a less summery meal, perhaps a nice bowl of chili, but I wasn't going to let the weather break my stride. I wanted a summer meal damnit!

The meal turned out to be not only a grand idea, but it tasted excellent.  My taste buds and stomach were all pleased with my decision. I am convinced that the meat would not have been as good on the George Foreman grill.  Nothing beats a Kingsford grill, even as small as mine.

Apparently, not everyone is as grill savvy and responsible as I am.  It may sound like a good idea to some idiots, but grilling inside the house is never a good idea.  Too bad a family in North Miami didn't get that memo.  According to SunSentinel.com, this family became ill overnight due to carbon monoxide poisoning. 

So, this family decided it would be a good idea to not only grill "out", but they decided to grill "in".  Now, I can only assume that the parents are either A) foreign and can't read the charcoal bag/grill manual in English; B) illiterate and can't read the charcoal bag/grill manual; and/or C) are just that f**king stupid. Both the charcoal bag AND the grill manual warns in large letters NOT to use the grill inside because even the smallest amount of carbon monoxide is poisonous. 

The article also states, "two parents and four children were overcome by the fumes as the father moved the grill from room to room".  I feel terrible for those children, especially if they were too young to really understand what was happening. But if they were between the ages of 12-18, even they should know about carbon monoxide poisoning...pretty sure they teach you that in school. 

But what truly perplexes me is the father! Not only did he bring the charcoal grill inside, but he moved it from ROOM TO ROOM? WTF??? And what was the wife doing during all this commotion? She must have been taking out the batteries in the smoke alarms because there's no way a smoking grill would NOT have set off the alarms!  Even worse than moving the grill from room to room (who grills in the bedroom, btw?), they probably didn't even air the place out because it was so cold! Floridians are pussies when it comes to cold weather...they blast their heat and shut their windows. I'll bet large amounts of money on the fact that these people closed their windows, blasted the heat, and then used the grill inside.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened, and it certainly won't be the last.  Stupid people are fertile and breed like cockroaches. Note to North Miami family: next time, read the warnings on the bag and take a second to rethink the idea of bringing an "outdoor" grill "indoors".

Cyber Marriage

I've always suspected the Japanese were a little odd and took electronics to the extreme; but I never thought it was possible to take it to this level.

A Tokyo man by the name of Sal 9000 (the only name he would give to the interviewer, and probably his "Love Plus" name), courted a woman named Nene, escorting her on the streets of Tokyo, taking her on vacation to Disney World and to a beach resort in Guam, and getting to know her on an intimate level.  Sal has found his dream woman, a woman who he has now married.

Seems normal, right? Well, maybe I didn't mention that Nene is actually a character in a Nintendo DS game called "Love Plus".

Sal appears to be relatively normal.  He dresses nicely, has nice teeth, and is even fairly attractive.  According to the interview on CNN.com, he claims Nene is better than a human girlfriend.  He says, "She doesn't get angry if I'm late in replying to her. Well, she gets angry, but she forgives me quickly."

CNN.com's article quotes, "Japan's Internet community has witnessed relationships and marriages to avatars, though it's typically been within the confines of the virtual world. Last month, Sal decided to be the first human-to-avatar union. Clad in a white tux, Sal married Nene in front of some friends and Web users watching the ceremony live online."


My first reaction was who was going to stage an intervention and get this guy to a shrink? But it appears he knows that the marriage is not legal, physical, and he understands 100% that it is only a game.  He says, "I love this character, not a machine."

What happens when his DS runs low on battery, or the game has a glitch? Is that Nene's signal for "Honey, I have a headache?" like real women do when they don't want to sexually satisfy their men?

A man named Hiroshi Ashizaki, who writes about game addictions, doesn't think Sal 9000 is an extreme case. He says, "what is healthy about Sal is that he can communicate with people enough to do an interview on CNN and webcast a half-serious wedding." Great. So now we have someone validating this cyber marriage/relationship. It's one thing to be personally invested in a video game, but it's another to be "personally" invested in a video game character!

Ashizaki also states, "Today's Japanese youth can't express their true feelings in reality. They can only do it in the virtual world...It's the reverse of reality that they can only talk about what they feel to a friend in the virtual world." Maybe that's because the entire country of Japan is the computer and electronics mecca of the world and because the rest of the world is hungry for the Japanese inventions, future generations will never know how to communicate without saying things like "OMG", "LOL", or texting 1,000 words per minute?

The world is coming to an end.  Gone is the beauty of human interaction; in its place is a virtual world where everyone communicates through electronics only.  I think I'll stick to my human girlfriend.

Cyrusly Cyrus Family?

Back in the 90's, when Billy Ray Cyrus erupted onto the country music scene with his charming smile and amazing mullet, he made everyone's heart ache and break.  Except for mine.  I was onto this choad at the ripe age of 11.  He wasn't fooling me. The mullet can only get you so far in life before people stop taking you Cyrusly.

Thankfully for country music, Billy Ray was swept off scene almost as quickly as he had shown up, even though he did win a Grammy and has multi platinum records. So what? So does Weird Al, but I have had periods that lasted longer than Billy's tenure as a country music star.

It seems the Cyrus family has gone from an achy breaky worn out music career, failed marriages, random children, to Disney. Enter Destiny Hope, the sickening teenager we all know as Miley.  Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is possibly the most ANNOYING person on this planet, in close competition with Kate Gosselin, Twilight fanatics, and a select couple relatives of mine.

Noah Cyrus, Miley's younger sister, has apparently taken lessons from her older sister and has turned into a First Class 9 year old hooker.  Apparently, she was recently captured in a family video where, according to Gawker.com, she "'smacks her buttocks, thrusts her hips, and shimmies her shoulders," while singing to Akon's "Smack That". The worst part is no one intervened; no one stopped her.  At the end of her performance, everyone clapped and cheered.  Guess the Cyrus family's moral compass is broken along with Jon Gosselin's. 

I'm not sure why people were cheering though. I watched the video.  It was disturbing, annoying, and I wanted to shank someone. The child is hideously homely and the only thing I want to see her smacking is her head against a curb, knocking those snaggleteeth right out of head.  If this had happened in the early 90's at least Billy's thick mullet would scared Noah into submission. 

According to Popeater.com, "this is the second time in recent months that Noah has landed herself in some controversy. Most recently, her Halloween costume drew red flags thanks to her thigh-high boots and mini-skirt with heavy facial make-up."  Fugly. I'm sorry, I know she's just a child, but no one hesitated to tell me when I was fugly, so I have no sympathy. She's FUGLY.

The Cyrus family is annoying, odd, and should be eliminated from this planet. I am sick of seeing your flavor savor on your chin (you're not a 21-year old college kid), and your hair is so perfect it's almost a work of art that belongs in a museum.

More importantly, I don't think it's appropriate to exploit your daughter because you can't write music anymore, to allow your youngest daughter to dress like Lady Gaga and dance like a porn star, NOR do I think it's appropriate for you two to have a slightly incestuous photo shoot with your midriff hanging out, your elbow in your Dad's crotch, all the while your father looks on with a pensive desire.

Billy, you took control of your mullet 18 years ago; it's time to take control of your family.  Let your daughters be children, not Hollywood sluts.  And has anyone EVER seen your son or your stepchildren? I can only imagine the drama they'll bring forth in the next 5 years, that is, if anyone still cares about the Cyrus family.  Once Miley turns 18, Playboy will OWN her; unfortunately for Noah, unless she replaces all of her teeth and gets a face transplant, the only magazine that will want her is the JC Penney winter catalog so she can model gloves.

Canadian Coyotes

Seems like coyotes and the music industry have been colliding quite frequently these days. First, it was with Jessica Simpson and her dog, which she believes was "taken" by coyotes. Obviously she doesn't understand the difference between "taken" and "eaten".

In recent news, coyotes attacked again! Except this time, it wasn't a pet dog they killed; it was a Canadian singer. No, sorry folks, it's not Shania Twain, as much as we would all love that.

The victim this time was Taylor Mitchell, a Canadian folk singer, who was only 19. According to CNN.com, she "was killed by coyotes this week in a national park in Nova Scotia...she was at the beginning of the Skyline Trail in Cape Breton Highlands National Park on Tuesday afternoon when she was attacked". 

Of course, this is a sad situation.  When you think how you're going to die, and don't lie, we all think about it once in a while, you definitely don't picture yourself being attacked by coyotes, especially at the ripe young age of 19.

What's puzzling about this article isn't how Taylor is the only person to have been attacked by coyotes in this park, or even that a young, talented artist was killed.  What I don't understand is the lack of common sense these park rangers have when wondering how coyotes could have possibly attacked someone?

In the article, there are several statements regarding the puzzling nature of this attack.  Chip Bird, the Parks Canada field unit superintendent for Cape Breton, said "A pathologist will test the animal's body for diseases that might have triggered the attack".  Save the money and resources Chip; I'll tell you what you need to know.  Coyotes attacked because they're WILD FUCKING ANIMALS AND HUMANS INVADE THEIR ENVIRONMENT!!!

This douche then goes on to say how the search for other aggressive animals in the park continues. Seriously? Of course you will find other "aggressive" animals in the park; park=outside; outside=wild/aggressive animals.  Bird also goes on to say how public safety is their primary concern, which is great and true, but then he says "that animal was killed because of "lack of fear".  NO SHIT!!! Of course coyotes aren't fearful...they're wild, untamed, unafraid carnivores...

Perhaps the most ironic and disturbing part of this whole incident, is the common sense Taylor's mother shows in wake of the worst tragedy a mother can ever encounter...her daughter has just been killed by a wild animal while hiking in a park, and she gives a statement to the press that totally counteracts response to this attack.

Emily Mitchell, Taylor's mother, makes a statement in which she says, "We take a calculated risk when spending time in nature's fold -- it's the wildlife's terrain. When the decision had been made to kill the pack of coyotes, I clearly heard Taylor's voice say, 'please don't, this is their space.' She wouldn't have wanted their demise, especially as a result of her own. She was passionate about animals, was an environmentalist, and was also planning to volunteer at the Toronto Wildlife Centre in the coming months."

So, Taylor Mitchell, a talented musician was also an environmentalist? Well, that explains what she was doing hiking solo in this park. But the fact that her mother is probably right in that Taylor would not have wanted the animals to be hurt, we humans do what we always do--we destroy whatever hurts us, inconveniences us, or what doesn't work for us...and in this case, it was a couple wild coyotes.

Next time these coyotes encounter a musician in their park, I pray to every God in this universe that it's Celine Dion.  Just looking at her pisses me off and makes me want to pound nails into my temple. I won't even be that upset if they take down Terri Clark's redneck ass.  Just don't take Alanis.

Bears On Ice

Not surprising, "Russia has a long-standing tradition of training bears to perform tricks such as riding motorcycles, ice skating, and playing hockey. Fatal attacks are unusual".  Still, I have to say, WTF!?!?!?

To sum up the story, a bear on ice skates attacked two people during rehearsals, and killed one of them.  Instead of pulling a Tonya Harding and using a metal pole, the bear used his instincts and claws to maul people.

My first complaint about this story is obviously the fact the most obvious: a bear in ice skates.  This is not a cartoon where the bear can skate better than Brian Boitano!!  It is life and bears do not belong in goddamn ice skates!

The article goes on to state, "It is unclear what caused the bear to attack Potapov, 25, nearly severing one of his legs while dragging him across the ice by his neck".  Bitch, please.  Unclear? Really? Let me make it clear for you: YOU PUT A BEAR IN ICE SKATES! If I were that bear, I would have mauled your stupid ass too!!!

The worst part about this story isn't the animal cruelty associations like ASPCA strive to avoid, it's the fact that the bear suffered the same outcome as the person he attacked.  This bear was shot dead at the scene because he killed the stupid human who put him in ice skates in the first place.

Lesson #1: Do NOT play with wild animals, train them to do tricks, or put them in ice skates, or you will die.  (Cases in point: Enter Roy Horn from Siegried & Roy and Steve Irwin; one is scarred for life and the other no longer has a life).

Lesson #2: Moscow, Russia needs an ASPCA ass whooping!

Lesson #3: Wild animals will NEVER lose their wild instincts, no matter how "tame" they are.  Wild animal + humans=DEATH!

Lesson #4: You should be shot, maimed, and tortured for cruelly abusing this poor animal, for getting upset that he mauled and killed someone, and then for shooting him because he is a "wild, out of control" animal!!! NO SHIT!!!

One more thing...just because Disney on Ice is popular here in America, does not mean you should mimic the show and come up with your own: "Bears on Ice" in RomaniTurkmeniKrgyzYugoChezhUkrainUssia, or wherever the fuck you idiots live.

Models in Flight

Not only can Gisele Bündchen work the runway, but now she is learning to fly.  People.com is reporting Gisele is "learning the nuts and bolts of aviation" so she can work as a new goodwill ambassador for the UN’s Environmental Programme, on finding an alternative source of jet fuel.

Is anyone else scratching their heads asking, "WTF?" Good...so, I'm not alone out there.  I think it's great that anyone wants to find alternative sources of fuel, but I'm just wondering why a supermodel, a homewrecking one at that, has a concern for a greener earth?  You didn't seem to care about the family you and Tom destroyed, yet you care about jet fuel? Pretty sure Tom was married, with a baby on the way, and now he is in the same exact situation with you?

I'd be careful if I were you Gisele...seems that's a pattern of his so be on the lookout for wife #3, which I'm sure you'll be able to see from your helicopter.

Mullets on the Menu at McDonalds?

Every once in a while, I come across a picture that not only touches my heart, but literally astounds me. When I see such pictures, I feel like I have been punched in the ovaries and diaphragm simultaneously, losing all my breath. I gasp for air, grasp the armrests of my chair, and hold on to the emotions that overcome me.

Now, these pictures come in a variety of categories. Once in a while, a picture of a cute, cuddly, kitten tugs at my heart strings. Kittens are innocent, sweet little animals that make most people fall to their knees, myself included.

Other times, I'll see pictures of the most adorable puppies ever born on this planet...sometimes they're passed out on their backs in weird positions, or sometimes they're with other animals, like a kitten or a goofy farm animal.

I particularly enjoy pictures of curious kids, although I despise the show "America's Funniest Home Videos", but I digress. Kids are freaks of nature, and are willing to do and say almost anything. Once in a great while, I'll catch a photo of a kid who will, like a kitten, tug at my heart strings.

Less often than I would like, I come across a true gem of a photo. A photo only one in a million photographers can capture properly. A photo that knocks the wind out of you and bleeds awesomeness.

I am not talking about photos of cute kittens, or amazing puppies, or curious kids. I'm not talking about photos of nature, raw emotion, or special events.

Photos like this take true talent. You must be an adventurist, an opportunist, and a risk taker of the utmost degree. Who can take photos like this? I'll tell you...a mullet hunter, that's who.

Mullet hunters have been a rare species, but are becoming more and more well known as the people on this planet continue breeding exponentially. It used to be mullet hunters were societal outcasts, horrible people, but now, they are highly revered in their art.

Today is a day that has changed my life. I have seen a photo that has changed me, and the way I view life, and even McDonald's. I'm not a fast food junkie, nor am I a photographer, but some days I wish I was both so I could take credit for this photo of a beautiful man.

In all his glory, an overweight, red headed, man with a mullet, riding on a modified moped of sorts, cruising at a steady 13 MPH through the McD's parking lot...although the mountains in the background could be considered beautiful, I'm afraid Mother Nature is outshined by the finest human subspecies Planet Earth has to offer; a man with a mullet.

Thank you to the mullet hunter who captured this amazing photo. With your skills, it's a wonder National Geographic hasn't plopped you in a trailer park in Arkansas for a photo essay.

Heartless Hip Hopper

Although I did not watch the MTV VMA Awards 2009, that does not mean I did not hear or watch videos and read countless articles about the obnoxious interruption during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. I agree with everyone else; it was rude and uncalled for, and it was just another tantrum. And like everyone else, I have an opinion about it...

We all felt bad for you, Kanye, when you lost your Mom to a freak surgical mishap, or whatever the hell that was. Seriously though, there are millions of people who lose their parents or other loved ones every single day and somehow cope with it...

Kanye, you should meet up with Candy from A & E's "Intervention" and get help for your anger/alcohol/ego/mother issues because you are now in the same category as Chris Brown...a has been who will only be popular because of your ludicrous behavior, not your talent; and Taylor, you should probably stop crying on your guitar; you just won an MTV award, and thanks to Beyonce, you got to enjoy that moment.

P.S. If you were to put more of that pent up angst and anger into your videos, maybe YOU would have won best video, not just this year, but in years prior. And btw, what was your girlfriend wearing? Was she trying to be like Mystique, but in a skin colored bodysuit? You should have called HER out on that, not stomped all over a teenager's well deserved award...like you once asked, "How could you be so Dr. Evil?"