30 September 2009

Speidi Sex

Pretty sure there's a reason why Spencer and Heidi are still D-list celebs...because they're idiots and only shows like MTV's "The Hills" and "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!!!" actually want to feature these tools.

People.com is now reporting that the ever intelligent Spencer Pratt is withholding sex from his wife, Heidi Montag, but not for the typical reasons you may think.  First of all, it's usually NOT the husband who withholds sex, so obviously there's something going on.

Apparently, Spencer was quoted by the New York Posts' Pop Wrap by saying "I'm not even kidding, my wife – OK, I'm gonna get crass here – but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby...That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding – my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts."

Do you have an IQ? Why would you say that? Obviously you didn't realize how much of a douchebag you'd sound like by saying that. So what Heidi might stop taking birth control and not tell you because she wants to be a mom? What is so wrong with that? Obviously, I would NEVER condone Speidi offspring, for the clearest, most obvious reasons, but that doesn't mean Heidi can't have a dream?

More importantly, ever heard of a condom dipshit? If your wife stops taking birth control, cutting off your nuts is NOT the only option to prevent pregnancy! Use a damn condom because if your wife is horny and you're not putting out, she will start to look elsewhere my friend...oh, and abstinence in a marriage is a bit weird.

Jon Without Kate and 8?

TLC has officially dropped Jon Gosselin from "Jon and Kate Plus 8". I don't get it. Why wouldn't they drop Kate, the retched bitch that she is? I mean, Jon's no prize, but seriously? I thought the show was supposed to show American core family values, not showcase the rise and fall and ultimate demise of a marriage that not only affects the spouses but will haunt the children forever.

Now, TLC has come up with a "new" show, "Kate Plus 8" that debuts in November.  Um, still don't get it. According to CNN.com, this new show will take "a deeper focus on Kate's role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life."

TLC, here's some advice. Just cancel the whole show! The only reason people watch it anymore is for the scandal! No one cares about Kate as a single mom; it was more fun to watch Jon squirm and Kate be a bitch to him.  Now, it's just going too far. It's time to think about the children involved and get them off national television because one day, you will all pay.

29 September 2009

Fred Durst-ivorce

It was reported that Fred Durst's 3-month marriage to a woman named Esther is over...apparently he tweeted all about it, saying "For those of you inquiring I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support."

Duh Fred. A marriage with you is probably similar to the marriage between Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson.  You didn't honestly think any woman in her right mind would love you 'til death did you part, did you? Oh my God! That's so sweet! You actually did...well, like you told us so many times, "it's all about the he said/she said bullshit", so I'm sure there's a good reason for your divorce.

P.S. I hear one of the KarDOUCHEian sluts is single.


I don't know about anyone else, but I'm getting really tired of reading news stories about families who are victims of murder-suicide.  First of all, just because you are having financial difficulties does not mean your wife, your teenage son, and your young daughter, and even the family dog, need to die because of it.  How can you kill your wife, and then continue killing your entire family? It's not temporary insanity; it's not financial difficulties; it's just plain selfishness.  Everyone has financial difficulties right now.  Everyone has problems. But, not everyone picks up a gun and starts shooting because of it.

It just sickens me, this murder-suicide fad.  Every news article about it features a shocked community, a good family, and financial difficulties.  Seriously? Why is it becoming so popular to kill your family and then yourself? The only thing that solves is taking the lives of innocent people for no reason. 

What I don't understand about people going through financial difficulties is their refusal to scale down! Sell that house, live in an apartment.  Pick up a part time job.  Have your kids offer to mow lawns and shovel snow around the neighborhood for some extra cash. Have a garage sale. Sell your car and walk/bike/ride the bus to work.  There are other options besides killing your family.  And why does it always have to be a shotgun or a rifle? If you're going to kill your family, the family you swore you loved and took care of all these years, why do you have to shoot them dead? Selfish fucks.

Killing your family to "save" them from financial difficulties is the stupidest thing I've ever heard...here we have soldiers who are getting killed in a war, coming from good families who would give anything to have their children come back safely, and you take it upon yourself to kill your family? That just goes against the laws of nature.  It's true guns don't kill people; people kill people, but if guns weren't so damn easy to get a hold of, maybe we'd have less children dying at the hands of their fathers, or mothers.

Why can't you just commit suicide, and leave the rest of your family alone? If you have murder on your mind, the world will be better without you. Next time, you selfish asshole, put the gun in your mouth first, and spare everyone else because there are more good things in life than bad.  There is nothing so bad in life that you have to kill your family and yourself. So stop the violence already.  Get your head on straight before you think about blowing it to pieces.

28 September 2009

Facebook, or Foolbook?

Many people in this world are addicted to Facebook; and unfortunately, I'm one of them.  Although I like to keep up with people's daily going ons, I don't find it necessary to update my status during the most inappropriate times, like Jonathan Parker, a 19 year old kid who recently robbed a woman's house, getting away with some jewelry items.

That was all he got away with though.  This idiot actually logged into his Facebook account, updated his status, and then forgot to log out.  Once the woman came home, she solved the case herself.  The kid is being held in jail and faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted.

Seriously? You're a moron...if you weren't addicted to Facebook, maybe you wouldn't have gotten caught.

Check out these other Facebook OOPS...idiots.

25 September 2009

People of Walmart

I will be forever grateful to the person/people who decided to start a website dedicated to the beautiful creatures featured at your local Wal-Mart.  I don't shop there often anymore, mainly because it's farther away from my house and Target and K-Mart are closer, but let me assure you that I still see similar, unique creatures at every other department store I frequent.

If this website existed back in college, I'm sure I could've had a future on www.peopleofwalmart.com after a late night of drinking and screwing, but thankfully it didn't exist...

Still, I sometimes dream of being a People of Walmart Alumn...it's my goal. After seeing people like this, wouldn't it be your goal too?

Family Values?

The other day, my GF Emily and I were putting our bikes on the rack on the back of my SUV, and while doing so, we heard violent shouting and screaming and crying coming from our neighbor's townhouse, and it lasted far too long for just a pissing match.  They are neighbors who just moved in, so we don't really know their story, nor have we really had time to pass judgment on them...that is, until this incident.  Is it acceptable to condone domestic violence in your home, but sport a Florida "Family Values" license plate in your car? I didn't think so...

Sealed Up

There's not one person in this world who doesn't think Heidi Klum is stunningly gorgeous.  Everything about her is delectable, and she just keeps getting more and more attractive as time goes on.

Apparently she is just weeks away from popping out a baby girl. Is it just me or does it seem like every year she's pregnant? Or does her pregnancy correlate with Project Runway? I can't figure it out.

My question is...are Heidi and Seal in direct competition with Brangelina? With Octomom? The Gosselins? Britney Spears? in the contest to see what celebrity can have the most kids?

Luckily for Heidi, she hasn't needed a tummy tuck like Kate Gosselin, or 8 years and an eating disorder like Britney to lose her baby weight.  As a model, I don't know how she even wants to keep having that many kids. If she just played her cards right and adopted a third world country, she would barely eke out past Brangelina with most celebrity kids, biological and adpoted.

Either way, someone needs to Seal her up so she stops having so many damn babies.

Stop Smiling!

Yesterday when I got home from work, I debated going biking but decided against it. Instead, I drank 12 oz of my new Vanilla Bean Be-Buff protein powder from GNC, and I did some strength training with my resistance band, and also did some crunches and pushups.

I popped in the DVD, and although I've done this workout 492 times, it still amazes me every time I do it that everyone BUT me is smiling as they exercise! They never falter either; it's like their fake smiles are a permanent fixture on their faces!

Don't get me wrong, although I do enjoy getting in a good workout, while I'm doing it I grunt, I sweat, and I make faces only people with constipation should be making! For me, smiling while exercising is almost as impossible as screaming while riding a roller coaster!

The instructor, Tanya, is laughing and smiling and seems to have a strange accent, but only when she's working out.  During the intro, she sounds American, but as she works up a sweat, she must bust out some weird Czech accent.  Behind Tanya, there is an ugly black chick and a dorky white guy, and all three of them ave amazing, muscular, and perfectly toned bodies.

Tanya tells me I don't need to be at the gym lifting weights; I only need to be right here.  Bitch, please. I know you're doing more than this video to get that body so don't even pretend you're not.  And stop smiling. It's not funny. It's creepy.

24 September 2009

NOT Karing About the KarDOUCHEians

The Kardashian family has been on every news site, every channel, every magazine, basically just everywhere recently.  I can't help but wonder exactly what makes this family famous.  Is it because the father, Robert Kardashian, was associated with the OJ trial? I don't see Judge Ito's or Marcia Clark's families having their own shows on E!, probably because they're not attractive Armenians.  Is that what makes them popular? Being attractive Armenian-Americans? I mean, besides Cher, whose father was Armenian, who really cares about Armenians?

What I want to know is why people Kare so much about the Kardashians? Does this world need another celebrity baby that Kourtney will probably name Afghan or Pretzel? No.

Does the world need another celebrity attending LA Laker games, since Khloé is marring some Lamar guy who plays for the Lakers? Hellz no!

And does Kim really need Ryan Seacrest to be the executive producer of her show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Do Kourtney and Khloé really need their own show in Miami?  Again, hellz no! I'm so sick of hearing about this damn family!

What makes me most sick is the fact that the mom's name is Kris, then she and her late ex husband named their kids all with names that start with K, then Kris divorced Robert Kardashian, married Bruce Jenner, and had two daughters with him, both named with the letter K. The only child from this odd family dynamic without a K name is Robert Jr., but obviously that's a lame name. I mean, who names their kid "Jr" besides Sammy Davis and Cal Ripken?  The whole family makes me want to Ka Ka Kough up a phlegm wad!

I wish someone would just create a show called NOT Karing About The KarDOUCHEians and NOT air it.

23 September 2009

Adding Prison To Injury

Weird...an NFL football player was armed, at a nightclub, and is now headed to prison. Seems to be the new trend.

CNN.com is reporting Former NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress is going to serve a 2-year prison term for a shooting incident at a nightclub.  Apparently, he accidentally shot himself in the leg with a .40-caliber semi-automatic pistol he was carrying in his waistband while at a nightclub in Manhattan.  Because he pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of attempted criminal possession of a weapon, he is to serve a two-year sentence, agreed to under a plea agreement.

This sentence stems from the simple fact he was not licensed to carry a pistol in either New York or New Jersey. I'm all for strict gun laws, but a two year prison term seems a bit extreme in this case, especially since he didn't hurt anyone...well, except himself. Wouldn't some time in jail with some community service be a little more fair?

American Justice System, isn't this just rubbing salt in the wound? Adding prison to injury, pun intended?

Truckin' For Jesus

Truckers come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, much like a bucket of Legos.  But the one thing they have in common besides foul body odor, missing teeth, and a penchant for a CB radio, is Jesus.

Welcome to the Trucker's Chapel, a place where truckers can come and sit down for a mass, thanks to Rev. Joe Hunter, a retired trucker himself.  CNN reports "Hunter's Truckstop Ministries Inc. works like a spiritual gas station. He prays with truckers, coaxes them to make tough decisions and hands out taped sermons that fortify them on lengthy business trips."

Joe Hunter has his own personal reasons for starting this chapel, some of which are inspiring and some of which just reaffirm the trucker stereotype.

I wonder how many of these truckers stop at this chapel in Georgia and confess they just porked a 16-year old prostitute in Atlanta, thus cheating on their wives for the 67th time this year? Or how many truckers stop in and pray for forgivenessafter they just received a BJ from some crackhead at the rest stop just down the road? 

Having a trucker's chapel is like having a whore church...some things just don't make sense.


No, I'm not posting nudie pics of barenaked bitches...I am experimenting with a new blog idea. http://barenakedbitch.blogspot.com features rules for and observations about life, the barenaked bitch way, meaning it's raw, honest, and completely exposed.  Check it out! Let me know what you think!!!

The Biggest Idol Loser

Recently, Idol contestant Chris Sligh (season 6 where Jordin Sparks won) commented on how no one cares about the Idol losers after the tour is done.  Popeater.com featured some quotes from his blog, one of which stated: "You are going to struggle. No one will care about you. Those fans who've been asking for your autograph all tour long - 98% of them don't give a flying poo about you once next season of Idol starts."

Um...pretty sure I didn't give a "flying poo" about you when you were on American Idol.  Pretty sure there was a reason why you didn't win, and why no one cares.  Maybe it's your mediocre singing that landed you NOT in the winner's position.  Maybe it's your "poor poor pitiful me" attitude that makes people not care.  Or maybe it's the fact that you try to hard to look and act like Jonah Hill.

I beg to differ with your theory that no one cares about the loser Idol contestants. I'm pretty sure Gaiken (Clay Aiken) still makes headlines, and somehow still makes money with his records.  Lifetime cared enough about Fantasia to not only make a movie about her, but to cast her in the leading role, playing as herself.  People still care about the great efforts Bo Bice goes through to maintain his long locks and bad ass facial hair, although he looks like how Axl Rose looked like right before he dropped out of high school.  People still care about the two Idol losers who now work for the TV guide channel, that Justin guy and some blond bimbo.

Let me just point out that the Idol losers tend to have more success than the Idol winners.   Chris Daughtry has made an amazing career for himself with his band, Daughtry.  Adam Lambert will continue to blow people away in his 2nd place finish.  No one barely remembers Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, mainly because although they were winners, other Idol losers from their respective seasons just beat them after the show was done.  Americans realized their mistake during the voting, and fixed it by supporting the good contestants after the show.

It's time to face the facts.  It's not the Idol losers the American public stops caring about, it's just you.

22 September 2009

Spinoff City

Crime dramas have been popular for ages.  There's just something about people being butchered, raped, beaten, and dead that keeps TV audiences, including me, begging for more.

NYPD Blue, Homicide: Life on the Streets, Diagnosis Murder, and the Profiler are all classic crime dramas.  Within the past decade, two dramas have taken center stage and practically monopolize prime time TV--those dramas being CSI and Law and Order.  The original series are good; they both feature cops with baggage cleaning house by solving crimes and arresting the bad guys.

As if two, over the top crime dramas weren't enough; each network (CBS/NBC) decided to create multiple spinoffs for each show.  CSI took on CSI: Miami and CSI: New York and Law and Order came out with Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

Great. Thanks for adding more crime, blood, rape, and death to my nighttime TV selection.  I can watch the news for more realistic crimes, but it's entertainment and I have to admit I'm a fan.  I don't watch these shows weekly as there's always a good 14-hour Labor Day marathon of SVU on USA and Spike shows CSI reruns on a nightly basis.

What I don't understand is the show NCIS.  The only thing Mark Harmon has going for him is his HOT wife, Angie Harmon, who ironically was on Law and Order.

Crime drama fans didn't really need yet another crime show along the lines of Law and Order or CSI, what with the 6 different shows combined, but yet, here we are with NCIS: LA.

Now, I've never watched NCIS, and I can't honestly say that I ever will, mainly because Mark Harmon's haircut bothers me SOOOOOOOOO much I can't stand to look at him...what grown man has a bowlcut? Well, the producers of NCIS decided to hop on the spinoff bandwagon and are now featuring a new show this fall. Wait for it...NCIS: Los Angeles.

I've often wondered why such shows are so popular and I have figured it's not necessarily the story line, although the story lines are pretty good.

Then I think, well, maybe it's the locations of these shows, New York, LA, Las Vegas that make the shows interesting but then I remember these places are overused in both TV and film, so that can't be it.

If it's not the storyline, or the location, it must be something else.  It's the characters and the actors they choose to portray.  The characters are pretty typical in crime dramas, but all of these elements create a fantastic TV show, one worthy of multiple spinoffs.

Character Checklist:

1. Must have token black guy. Can be normal black guy, or a washed out rapper. Enter Ice-T (SVU) and LL COOL J (NCIS:LA).

2. Must have older, distinguished, and often bearded wise white guy. Enter William Petersen (CSI), Jerry Orbach (L&O), and David Caruso(CSI: Miami).

3. Must have token HOT chick.  Without the hot chicks, the show is damn near pointless.  Enter Mariska Hargitay (SVU) , Emily Proctor (CSI: Miami), and Stephanie March (SVU).

4. Must have a hotheaded and slightly odd detective.  A detective who lives for his job, and is known for busting balls.  Enter Christopher Meloni (SVU), Vincent D'Onofrio (L&O: CI) and David Caruso (CSI: Miami)...again.

5. Must have nerdy, yet weirdly attractive, science/lab/doctor guy.  Enter B.D. Wong (SVU), Eric Szmanda (CSI), Brian Dietzen (NCIS).

6. Must have token cute/mysterious/the kind of guy you'd take home to your mother detective.  Enter Chris O'Donnell (NCIS: LA), George Eads (CSI), and Adam Rodriguez (CSI: Miami).

If every crime drama on TV follows these simple casting rules, they will take over the networks and primetime TV will definitely be Spinoff City, even more so than it already is.

Models in Flight

Not only can Gisele Bündchen work the runway, but now she is learning to fly.  People.com is reporting Gisele is "learning the nuts and bolts of aviation" so she can work as a new goodwill ambassador for the UN’s Environmental Programme, on finding an alternative source of jet fuel.

Is anyone else scratching their heads asking, "WTF?" Good...so, I'm not alone out there.  I think it's great that anyone wants to find alternative sources of fuel, but I'm just wondering why a supermodel, a homewrecking one at that, has a concern for a greener earth?  You didn't seem to care about the family you and Tom destroyed, yet you care about jet fuel? Pretty sure Tom was married, with a baby on the way, and now he is in the same exact situation with you?

I'd be careful if I were you Gisele...seems that's a pattern of his so be on the lookout for wife #3, which I'm sure you'll be able to see from your helicopter.

21 September 2009

A Friendly Message From Your Local Toilet Seat

Back in August, I had the pleasant experience of using a toilet with someone else's shit all over it!!! No, I don't work in a hospital, nursing home, group home, or have children. I work in a professional office building, with people who apparently don't know how to wipe, clean up when they make a mess, or even wash their hands. I wrote a friendly letter to the culprit(s), and here's what it said:


Dr. Mr. or Mrs. SHIT SMEARER,

Thank you for taking a SHIT in here today, around 1pm (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), and proceeding to SMEAR it all over me.

You are DISGUSTING and INCONSIDERATE to other people who use this bathroom!!! How old are you??? There's no excuse! Clean up after yourself if you make a mess like a three year old in a diaper!!!!!!!

You have to stand up and face the toilet in order to flush it, and you didn't see your own feces smeared on the toilet???

I have been in group homes with people who have developmental disabilities, and even THEY knew enough to wipe the seat if they smeared shit on it!!! And their IQ's were no higher than 68!!!

So, thank you for making my day, as well as other patrons of this restroom, that much better, where I saw someone go back to their office, grab Clorox bleach wipes and gloves, and disinfect me before said person could use me!!!

I still feel like I have your SHIT all over me! How would you like it if I crapped on you and didn't clean it up?

Next time, clean up your own SHIT so no one else has to...or you never know, someone may come crap on you!


19 September 2009

Is Jon The New Brad Pitt?

Long before America knew Jon Gosselin, there was a man named Brad Pitt, who seemed to have been linked to  almost every hot actress in Hollywood.  He was once engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow for three years, then he married Jennifer Aniston, then he cheated on her with Angelina Jolie, and now they're happily married. Woah Brad. Slow the F down! One Hollywood hottie at a time!

It seems these days that Jon Gosselin has been taking a few lessons from Brad.  First he marries Kate, an annoying woman with a bad haircut and they have 8 babies, not on their own of course. They enlisted help from the Sci-Fi Channel and Discovery Channel to create their babies...and then they got TV shows.

But like Brad, Jon would soon be caught in the act.  He was caught with a woman named Hailey and he denied it, just like Brad. Seriously guys, women know when you've been cheating. Just because you're a "celebrity", doesn't mean your not human. We know.

At least Brad is attractive and has the hottest wife Hollywood has to offer.  Unfortunately Jon, you've come up short in the looks department.  What is it about you that has made Hailey Glassman, Stephanie Santoro, and now Kate Major fall in love with you? It's almost like everywhere you go, girls are dropping for you left and right. At your kids' school, at home as a nanny, and now the Star reporter who probably reported on your multiple affairs falls for you?

Is the short, fat, balding guy we all know as Jon Gosselin, the new Brad Pitt? G.R.O.S.S.


Thanks to Candace Bushnell, we were all privileged not only to read her Sex and the City books, but also grateful she allowed HBO to make a 6-year show out of them.  The shows were great, and I looked forward to sitting down every Sunday night and tuning in to 28 minutes of hilarious sex, alcohol, and cock laden stories.

I was sad when it was announced the 6th season would be the final season.  I always knew Carrie would end up with Big...that Miranda and Steve would get married...that Charlotte would find her prince charming...and that Samantha Jones would finally settle down (sort of). Thank you to everyone for ending the show so well!

A few years later when I heard there would be a Sex and the City movie coming out, I was both excited yet apprehensive.  What more could the movie explain that the 6th season finale didn't already wrap up?

Would Miranda and Steve still be happily married? Would Big and Carrie still be together? Would Sam and Smith still be having more sex than anyone on this planet? And would Charlotte still be a Jew?  Why, yes, as a matter of fact.

I watched the movie when it came out, and the best part about it was when Charlotte sharts while in Mexico, which was hilarious but unsurprising the way she was running around being petrified of getting germs. Everything else, any true Sex and the City fan could have seen coming.  It's no surprise Steve has an affair; Miranda is pretty much a lesbian.  No wonder Big and Carrie have commitment issues; it's their "thing".  And if Samantha doesn't have her daily dose of sausage, she starts to question her relationship.

All the movie achieved that the show didn't was getting more in depth into the relationships of the four women, which we all assumed anyway by watching the 6th season finale!  But, thanks anyway for that final dose of Sex and the City.

Apparently, there's yet ANOTHER Sex and the City movie on the horizon. Seriously people? As big of a fan I am, why did you end the show to begin with if you're just going to keep making movies about it?  The show was better than the movie, and you could've kept millions of fans much happier. Last time I checked, none of the stars had any breakthrough moments in acting after the show was ended.  Sure, a few minor appearances here and there, but it wasn't like they ended the show because all the actors had bigger and better roles to play. So why end the show? Why keep making movies? Too little, too late?

Well, at least we'll know what will happen in the second Sex and the City movie: Miranda and Steve will continue having a sexless relationship, since she's a lesbian.  Charlotte will still be a Jew, and she and Harry will probably have a household similar to Brangelina with adopted kids everywhere; Carrie and Big will still question their relationship, and Samantha will FINALLY be a member of AARP. Oh, and they'll all drink a Cosmopolitan and laugh about the way things used to be.

The only reason I anticipate seeing the second movie, is to find out exactly why Samantha Jones is wearing a hideous wedding dress...

18 September 2009

Sunday Funday

I'm always looking for things to do on the weekends.  Farmer's markets, going to a bookstore, heading to the beach with a good novel, or seeing a matinee.  There's always tons of stuff to do here in sunny South Florida, but around the world, there are so many other fun activities in which to participate.

In a recent search to find out what other people around the world like to do on the weekends, I was blown away by the amazing weekend activities I discovered!

In Australia, who wouldn't want to strap on a mattress with 79 other people and create the world's Largest Human Mattress Dominos for the Guinness Book of World Records? These Aussie's had a Sunday Funday doing just that in August 2009.

Unfortunately, I couldn't make it to Orlando in June or I would have participated in the Most People Walking on Stilts in Multiple Venues, which also took place around the world in cities like Las Vegas, Moscow, and Montreal.

If I lived in England, I know I would have participated in this year's Largest Gathering of People Wearing Underpants.  Unfortunately, I don't live in England, nor do I wear underwear.

I think it's time to start traveling to far away locations like Thailand so I can eat at the Cabbages and Condoms restaurant, or to the Czech Republic for a The Great Whipped Cream Battle, or even travel to Austin, Texas once a year to celebrate Eeyore's Birthday.

Seriously though, I am considering moving to Japan so I can visit the Hakone Kowakien Yunessun Wine Spa on a weekly basis.  Sure, Florida is fun, and going to all these other places and engaging in these awesome activities might be fantastic, but nothing says fun like sharing a spa with a bunch of Asians.

Cracked Up

It's bad enough Troy West lives in the South.  Worse, he is an older guy, sporting a redneck mullet, who lives in Georgia.  It's really no surprise this guy has issues, but he took the racist, redneck, stereotype a bit too far.

Apparently, Mr. West was leaving the Cracker Barrel when a young black woman, Tasha Hill, and her daughter were entering.  He flung the door open so hard it almost hit Hill's 7-year old daughter and the woman asked him to be careful.  I think that's a common thing to say when you're in fear of being hit by a door.  I guess not everyone can handle such a civil request, especially not West.

West proceeded to beat this poor young woman, in front of her child, all the meanwhile cussing at her and calling her by the N-word, among other racial slurs.  Witnesses stepped in, EMT's arrived, and the FBI got involved and might possibly charge him with Federal Hate Crimes, among already being charged with battery, disorderly conduct, and cruelty to children in the first degree.

Although he is out on a $5,000 bond, the worst punishment isn't the charges, the hate crime angle, or even being put in prison. West's true punishment? Being banned from Cracker Barrel for life, and for a redneck, that's worse than losing your trailer, cutting off your mullet, and having a full set of teeth.  I hope you learned your lesson Mr. West; no more grits for you.

A Grand Allowance

In the wake of Michael Jackson's death, the future is looking bright for his family, especially his kids--they are receiving an estimated $60,000 combined monthly allowance. Most kids are lucky to get $6 weekly allowance, and they have to wash dishes, do laundry, clean the house, and do yardwork! What do MJ's kids have to do? They have to carry the burden of having names like Prince Michael, Paris, and worst of all, BLANKET! But that's it...hell, I would carry the name of Skidmark if it meant I got thousands of dollars a month for allowance.

I'm all for child support and making sure the kids are taken care of after a parent dies, but $60,000 a month? For real? What the hell are kids who aren't even teenagers yet, going to spend this money on??? Reportedly, each child gets about $13k for entertainment and related expenses. Listen up folks, there are only SO many movies these kids can see, and only SO many iTunes they can download, and only SO many theme parks they can visit! What about their college funds? Just because MJ was their father doesn't mean they don't need an education!

These children confuse me. I still don't understand how MJ can have white children, although Prince Michael eerily resembles Janet Jackson, but the other two? They had to have been adopted...looking at the entire Jackson family, ALL of them look like each other, and there's proof it can be passed along, just by looking at Prince Michael...but there's no rhyme or reason for the other two. I'm convinced they were adopted, and now they have all the riches in the world. Lucky kids. Sorry Maddox, Pax, and Zahara; not even you are this lucky.

What's more disturbing about this is Katherine Jackson's monthly support. Last time I checked, she was MJ's mother, not his child, yet she was financially dependent on him in life, and in death? I totally dig the fact that MJ wanted to take care of his mom, as we all do, but I highly doubt she needs an estimated $85k per month!!!

According to news sources everywhere, in that massive allowance, she gets approximately $4,700 to pay for an assistant. WTF does she need an assistant for? Does she need a butler named Alfred too? You're not Bruce Wayne! Even worse, she gets to spend $3,500 on clothing, but in order to go shopping, she needs to pay her driver $2k!!! Then, she is also allowed to spend $1,500 on entertainment, which I guess she's allowed to spend when she, her assistant, and her driver take the kids to spend their $13k on entertainment!!!

I'm glad that Katherine was awarded custody of the kids, because the estranged mothers would just have been more damaging to them than any member of the Jackson family could be, but Katherine is old as dirt! Pretty sure she was around when T-Rex ruled the jungle!!! Who's going to get custody of these kids when Katherine dies? The assistant? The housekeeper? The driver? Or Joe Jackson? Great...if Joe gets custody, be on the lookout for a modern day Jackson 3, starring Prince Michael, Paris, and Blanket.

17 September 2009

The Golden Raspberry

It seems as though there is no true "awards season" in Hollywood, as there are award shows scattered throughout the year, which include the Academy Awards, the Emmy's, MTV Video Music/Movie Awards, CMA Awards, and the list goes on and on and on and on...

I used to watch these shows when I was growing up, mainly because it was the thing to watch on TV. I gave up watching these award shows because the people I want to win NEVER win! It's not like American Idol where you can text in your vote, unless you're voting for People's Choice, or Teen Choice awards...but in order to get your vote in for the other awards, you have to be accredited somehow, or be famous, both of which I'm not. It just gets frustrating, year after year, knowing your favorite movies/actors/videos/albums/songs won't make the cut.

After giving up watching award's ceremonies years ago, I thought all hope was lost. I would never again find an award's show that left me satisfied, where the people I wanted to win actually took home an award. That is, until I discovered The Golden Raspberry.

Thanks to John Wilson back in 1980, he created The Golden Raspberry Awards, often called The Razzies, which he intended to counterpoint the Academy Awards by dishonoring, well, honoring, the worst of the worst, whether it be the Worst Picture, Worst Actress, or even Worst Acting.

John Wilson is a genius for creating such a dazzling awards show. Nominations for these awards are usually announced around the same time the Oscar nominations are announced. Awards are voted upon by the GRAF, known as the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation, which...wait for it...are you ready? IS OPEN TO THE PUBLIC for a yearly membership fee of $25-$250. I can FINALLY have a say in who I think deserves awards!!!

These awards are often hilarious, clever, and almost always well deserved. It seems as though many celebrities have a hard time accepting such amazing awards, some even breaking their awards, which is just disrespectful. These celebrities just don't understand what an honor it is to be nominated for awards anymore. So, the Razzies aren't the Oscar's, but at least someone out there watched your crappy movie and cared enough to nominate you.

Why wouldn't Lindsay Lohan be proud that her movie I Know Who Killed Me has won the most awards, winning 8 out of 9 nominations in 2007? That and it is the only movie to have won the worst actress award twice, where both of Lohan's characters, Aubrey Fleming/Dakota Moss, tied for the award.

Why would Ben Affleck, star of Gigli, not only NOT accept his award at the ceremony, but when it was given to him on Larry King Live? If I were Ben, I'd be proud that my movie was the only movie to win awards in the top five categories (Worst Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, and Screenplay)? That and he was also nominated in 2003 for his movies Daredevil and Paycheck, which my friends, is nothing to turn up your nose at.

What could be better than actors winning these awards? Non-actors winning awards for their performances as well, especially George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleezza Rice who won awards for their brilliant performances in Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 in 2004.

Hollywood is unpredictable; Ben Stiller, who is an amazing comedian is somehow nominated for Worst Actor 2005 in a record breaking five films, but is still a superstar. Or Eddie Murphy, another great comedian, shocked us by winning three Razzies, one for Worst Couple, which is related to him playing multiple characters and one for Worst Screenplay. Murphy is the first person to win a Razzie for BOTH male and female performances in a single film.

The best part about these awards, however, are their connections to other awards, such as the Oscars and the Golden Globes. Many actors and actresses who are nominated for and/or win Razzie awards are also nominated for and win Oscar awards...go figure. Congrats Tom Cruise for winning the Worst Picture Razzie and winning the Best Picture Oscar in 1988.

Here's a shout out to Jack Nicholson for being nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor for your roles in both Hoffa and Man Trouble, and then being nominated for an Oscar as Best Supporting Actor in A Few Good Men in 1992...why didn't you win?

Because you couldn't handle the truth, that's why.

Most importantly, here's a shout out to John Wilson, the creative mastermind behind the Razzies. Thanks for offering the general public a forum, an award's ceremony, where we can speak our minds and vote for the worst of the worst, which is still an honor.

Although I'm not a member of the GRAF (yet), I still wanted to create a Razzie Buzz for the movies of 2009. Listed below are my top 5 predictions for the 3 major categories (I could go on all day, but to summarize):

Worst Picture/Actor/Actress
1. Steve Martin--The Pink Panther 2
2. Megan Fox--Jennifer's Body & Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
3. Brendan Fraser--Inkheart
4. Will Ferrell--Land of the Lost
5. Jack Black and Michael Cera--Year One

Maybe I will look into a GRAF membership and let my voice be heard, once and for all!!!

Finding Miss Daisy

Dear Jessica Simpson,

I'm really sorry to hear about your dog. I have a tender heart when it comes to animals, and I certainly don't like to hear that any animal is hurt, or taken, or killed. I sympathize with you in the greatest extent. Although there are some pictures of your dog where she looks less than excited to be on stage singing with you, or in your face with your lips all over her, or sitting snug in one of your overpriced purses, I really am sad that she is gone.

With that said, I still have a couple questions for you. Since you reported that you stood by and watched the coyote take your dog, I want to know exactly where you were! Were you on a rugged backpacking trip in Topanga Canyon? Daisy does not seem like an outdoors type of dog, especially not one you would find wandering around in the wilderness. You don't seem like that type of dog either, so therein lies my confusion. Were you having a backyard BBQ, and failed to keep an eye on your dog? Do you not have a fence around your property? WTF???

I know you are doing your best to try and find your dog, and are offering rewards and tweeting all about it. I love your optimism, but as the world knows, sometimes you can be extremely dense. Let me remind you that coyotes are not human/pet friendly animals. They travel in packs, and sometimes in pairs, meaning if you think one coyote snatched your precious dog, you're wrong; maybe it was one coyote who did the deed, but that doesn't mean there weren't others standing by, waiting to bring home dinner for the whole pack, although a dinner like Daisy to a pack of coyotes is like a chicken wing to share to a pack of Frat boys.

You're not the smartest person in the world, and you've proven that to us by your confusion about tuna and buffalo chicken wings. But even YOU have to know that when a wild coyote attacks an animal, the coyote has nothing on his mind but food. The coyote wasn't just playing around, or practicing his hunting skills. Coyotes are carnivores and prey on small animals like prairie dogs, squirrels, mice, and most likely, malti-poo dogs, which I'm sure it's easy for a coyote to confuse a prairie dog for your Daisy.

I, as well as millions of Americans, applaud your efforts and your inspiring optimism and are very sad for your loss, but I think it's time to start planning a funeral for Miss Daisy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I just don't want you to get upset when you find this in your backyard.



16 September 2009

Is a Bad Haircut Considered Child Abuse?

I hate people who abuse children. I hate people who hurt animals. I hate people who hurt the elderly. Basically, I hate people who prey on the weak and helpless. It's just not fair! It isn't the same as beating on your little brother, who is also weak and defenseless. Sibling rivalry is one thing, but mutilating cats, abusing children, and taking advantage of the elderly are completely different.

Although I don't condone physical discipline of any kind, I still firmly believe in spanking to stress a behavior is wrong. Hell, I was spanked practically every day of my life, with bare hands, spatulas, spoons, wet towels, etc. You name it and it probably made contact with my ass.

I'm also a big fan of the washing a child's mouth out with soap, although the best way to do it is to let your child pick what soap they wish to put in their mouth. Usually, parents use this technique when a child has a "potty mouth", or speaks out of turn.

Any other form of physical discipline/abuse is just out of question. It is NOT okay to slap your kids across the face, burn cigarettes into their skin, nor is it acceptable to lock them in a basement with tepid water and a stale loaf of bread.

The most dramatic form of child abuse isn't something that can be light on fire and burned into your skin, nor can it be found in the kitchen utensil drawer, or even below the sink. No, you can get over that.

What children can NOT get over, is a bad haircut. And not just a bad haircut, but the one and only "Chullet", or a "Child Mullet". I like to call these hairdos "Child Abuse Mullets", because there is NO reason in the world for parents to insist their children have these haircuts unless it is to degrade/humiliate/torture them not only as children, but as adults as well.

This, folks, is something this girl has NEVER come back from. She thinks about this awful haircut, every day of her life, and spends thousands of dollars on therapy trying to work through her issues. This poor girl is probably living a life in a trailer park, married to some choad named Bobby Ray, with three trashy kids, all of which could have been avoided with a different haircut, which would have led to a different opportunity in life. Thanks to her parents and this "chullet", she has more than likely been traumatized to the point she has nightmares about the day this picture was taken.

So, to those of you parents who are thinking about giving your child a seemingly harmless haircut, or "chullet", please remember this one decision will pave the way your child will take in life. Before you tell the hair dresser to chop off the front and sides, but let the back hang loose and fast, think again. If you want your child to love you for the rest of your life, you will settle for a cute bob, or even a high and tight haircut. Now, if your child somehow finds a pair of scissors, and takes matters into his/her own hands, and the ONLY option you have left while you sit at the hair salon, both you and the child in tears, is to either shave off all the hair or get a mullet, ALWAYS opt for the shave!

Ironically enough, the Chullet's cousin, the "Rat Tail", is not considered child abuse because it takes a dedicated adolescent to grow out a strip of hair, avoiding it while the rest of his hair gets cut. It takes months, sometimes years, to grow out an amazing rat tail, a task in which most parents and defenseless children are not up to doing. Once the rat tail has years of TLC, it can even grow into adulthood and have a happy life resting on your shoulders, and snoozing on the back of your neck.

This boy here obviously put in a good 10 months growing this rat out, and he even topped it off with a nice blue dye job. Kids can overcome years of donning a rat tail, but more often than not, children are deeply traumatized by any version of the "Chullet".

Parents, let your child decide. Stick with a simple haircut. Don't be so drastic and stupid. If your child decides he/she would like a mullet/rat tail, let them decide that on their own; don't make that decision for them. It's just not right.

True Blood vs. Twilight

True Blood just finished it's second season on HBO; New Moon (the movie) is set to come out in November. Which series is better? Well, I have an opinion about that!

Normally vampires do absolutely nothing for me. Vampire books, vampire movies, vampire games...nope, nothing. I could blame the horrendous movie/show "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" for that, or even Every once in a while, my mom will send me a book, or introduce me to a new author, and since my mom is a very avid reader with an amazing book collection, 99% of the time I trust her judgment when she says "You'd like this book" or "You'd really like this author".

One of these events happened a few years ago, when she introduced me to Charlaine Harris, who is the author of the Sookie Stackhouse novels. I believe as of right now, Charlaine has written 9 novels, 7 of which I have read so far. They are targeted for all audiences, but primarily adult fiction readers.

Sookie Stackhouse is a barmaid and a telepath who encounters Bill the vampire, who is the first vampire to come to Bon Temps, LA after the vampires "come out of the coffin". Of course there's the token "boy next door", who is in love with Sookie, but since he's her boss, she never reciprocates the feelings. Sure, once in a while they have a heated moment and may share a kiss or two, but she is really interested in Bill because for once in her life, she can concentrate and have a blank mind around him; her telepathy is at rest around vampires.

What ensues after meeting Bill is a series of tragic deaths, unfortunate incidents, and wild discoveries. The "Dead" series is full of blood, violence, sex, mystery, intrigue, and extremely attractive characters, both living and dead.

These books are great; so great, Alan Ball (Six Feet Under) and HBO teamed up to create one of the newest, freshest vampire shows of all time, "True Blood". Keep in mind though, that the events in the Sookie books are sometimes ignored or rewritten for the TV show, which is "based" on the novels. In both, however, TruBlood is a synthetic blood, created by the Japanese, so vampires could assimilate into society without being so violent. Of course, there are strays, just as in any society, but for the most part, these vampires are just dead people wanting the company of life.

Although my mom gave/bought me these Sookie books, she did not introduce me to the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I had heard from numerous other people that her 4-book vampire series was fresh, modern, and just amazing. Plus, her books were plastered all over the bookstores, and there was even a movie scheduled to come out. I figured I should read them, see what all the fuss is about.

Stephanie Meyer introduces Isabella Swan, who has recently moved to Forks, WA and soon discovers her life is about to change once she meets the hunk of the school, Edward Cullen. But, Edward is a bit unusual, and seems to be angry and ignore Bella when they first meet. One day, Edward finally can be around Bella and she discovers it's because he is a vampire and craves human blood. Being the likeable stud he is, he prefers to drink animal blood instead of human blood.

Like any good love story, there's always the boy who always gets the girl, and the boy who almost gets the girl. Jacob Black is a Native American living on a reservation, and his father has been friends with Bella's father for years. They hadn't seen each other in years and when Bella moves back, they rekindle their relationship. Obviously, Jacob is attracted to Bella because she is everything a boy could want, wrapped up nice and neat. But, she is googly eyed over Edward, and treats Jacob as just a friend.

Within the span of four books, Cullen family, along with Bella and Jacob Black and their respective families, also encounter a series of mishaps, tragic circumstances, and intriguing situations. The books are well written, and are considered young adult fiction.

To me, these two authors are equally as good, and awesomely creative. They both have their pros and cons, and It's difficult to compare the two series, mainly because they belong to the same genre, but just a different age category. Edward and Bella have a PG relationship, as do the other characters in Twilight; whereas Sookie and Bill have mind boggling sexual relations, as well as the other characters in the book. Jason Stackhouse, Sookie's brother, is a modern day man whore, and has a body to die for.

The characters in the Sookie novels are more complex, and come with way more surprises than the flat/dull characters in Twilight. I find Jacob Black to be the most intriguing Twilight character, because he is mysterious and has depth. Maybe it's because he's Native American, or maybe it's just his dark looks, but there's more to him than meets the eye, similar to Sam Merlotte in the Sookie novels, although Sam is a playful, plain cute guy, but who has surprises of his own.

In my opinion, Bella should have fallen in love with Jacob, which she almost did until Edward came back into her life, and I think Bella and Edward forming a marriage and having an alien type baby that almost kills her was the easy way out. The readers saw it coming, and it was no surprise that Bella would become a vampire. Duh. I saw that coming just by reading the back cover of Twilight.

Harris one ups Meyer in her novels, because although the heroine, Sookie, does fall for the vampire, there is so much more to it than that. She falters with Sam, Eric, and other people in the novels. In fact, she and Bill are barely a couple after the first two books, as they encounter problems and go their separate ways, while still being a part of each other's lives. The complexity of this story showcases Harris' more mature writing style and ability to continuously surprise the writer.

So far, there are only two Twilight movies, the first one last year and the second one coming out this year. I personally think the movies are better than the books, only because I'm a fan of Kristin Stewart, especially in "In The Land of Women" and "Panic Room", and also they couldn't have picked a better person for the role of Jacob Black.

My least favorite characters in the movie are Carlisle Cullen, played by Peter Facinelli, who also happens to be that jock-tool from "Can't Hardly Wait", and Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, better known as Cedric Diggory from the Harry Potter series. In spite of some rather poor casting choices, the Twilight movie caught my attention far more than the series of books, although I thought the second novel was the best out of all four.

There have only been two seasons of True Blood, despite Harris having written 9 books total. The series is edgy, exciting, and leaves viewers thirsty for more, pun intended. The casting is amazing, especially Ryan Kwanten, who plays Jason Stackhouse and is a HOT Australian actor who somehow manages a Southern Accent for the series, and of course, Anna Paquin, better known as "Rogue" from the X-Men movies. Perfect cast, awesome script, bloody good show!

I would place money on Bill Compton beating Edward Cullen's "vegetarian vampire" ass anyday, and Bella ain't got shit on Sookie; that and Bella wouldn't win the fight, since Sookie could read her mind. At the end of the day, Edward is a pussy who gives in and makes Bella a vampire, and somehow they go from kissing, to having a baby, who they name "Renesmee", the STUPIDEST combination of names I've ever heard! Shame on you Stephanie Meyer for that stupid name! Bill Compton is a Southern gentleman who is practically a superhero the way he can fight, feed, and fuck, and there is NO way in hell either Sookie or Bill would agree to name a child something that stupid!

Harris has her vampires living out in the open; Meyer keeps her vampires hidden, ashamed of who they are. Harris' vamps glamour people; Meyer's vamps "sparkle"; Harris creates a fictional town, known as Bon Temps, LA where as Meyer picks an actual small town in Washington. Harris has 9 books, and probably counting; Meyer has 4.

I'm just saying...it should be obvious what the better choice is...Charlaine Harris and her Sookie books, as well as Alan Ball/HBO and the True Blood series DEFINITELY win. Why do I think that? Because I write so...

Thanks for reading but now, I'm going to allow Kanye West to interrupt/end my blog.

Kara Kelly's Madea Comes Out

Dear Tyler Perry,

I can't believe you have made yet another Madea movie. The fact that you have the top earning movie of the weekend is literally beyond me.

When you burst onto the scene with your movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman", where you apparently dress up like a woman, age yourself 50 years, and teach lessons to your family members, you took America by surprise and your film was an unexpected commercial success, so fine, we'll give you credit for being creative, although I'm pretty sure Robin Williams did the EXACT same thing about a decade before you...regardless, good job in busting into the Hollywood movie making scene.

The following year, you decided to come out with a sequel, "Madea's Family Reunion", which some would argue did better than your first movie. No one blamed you for doing a sequel, as a lot of filmmakers attempt and totally fail, ie) Final Destination 1-89; Scream 1-3; and miscellaneous Kevin Smith movies (although I am a HUGE Kevin Smith fan).

I personally respect you for being a playwright and being motivated to the point you bring your plays to Hollywood and turn them into films. But let me remind you, you are no Tennessee Williams, and just because you were born in the same city, does not mean you are of his standards.

How many plays/movies can you write where you dress up like a black Mrs. Doubtfire and it still be funny? The first time, yes. The second time, maybe. But the 3rd, 4th, 5th...18th, 19th times, it just gets old. Not only does it get old on the silver screen, but having multiple TV shows just adds insult to injury.

I give you credit for the movies you make and the plays you write, but I think it's time to retire, George Lucas style. Take off the pantyhose, remove the lipstick, and readjust your balls where they're supposed to be.

P.S. I have an idea for your next play/movie. I am going to write it and direct it, and you will do what I say. It's called "Kara Kelly's Madea Comes Out." I envision a script where everyone finds out Madea is actually a middle aged drag queen who has been fooling everyone for years. Truth is, he/she is actually a middle aged film maker who loves dressing up in women's underwear, tucking his goods behind his legs, and stuffing himself into pantyhose and a dress only women over 80 can get away with...this can be your coming out story Tyler. We all know your secret. Don't wait for years like Lance Bass and Clay Aiken (aka Gayken) to come out. With my new movie, you'll be forced out and one day, you will thank me.

Truly yours,


15 September 2009

Mullets on the Menu at McDonalds?

Every once in a while, I come across a picture that not only touches my heart, but literally astounds me. When I see such pictures, I feel like I have been punched in the ovaries and diaphragm simultaneously, losing all my breath. I gasp for air, grasp the armrests of my chair, and hold on to the emotions that overcome me.

Now, these pictures come in a variety of categories. Once in a while, a picture of a cute, cuddly, kitten tugs at my heart strings. Kittens are innocent, sweet little animals that make most people fall to their knees, myself included.

Other times, I'll see pictures of the most adorable puppies ever born on this planet...sometimes they're passed out on their backs in weird positions, or sometimes they're with other animals, like a kitten or a goofy farm animal.

I particularly enjoy pictures of curious kids, although I despise the show "America's Funniest Home Videos", but I digress. Kids are freaks of nature, and are willing to do and say almost anything. Once in a great while, I'll catch a photo of a kid who will, like a kitten, tug at my heart strings.

Less often than I would like, I come across a true gem of a photo. A photo only one in a million photographers can capture properly. A photo that knocks the wind out of you and bleeds awesomeness.

I am not talking about photos of cute kittens, or amazing puppies, or curious kids. I'm not talking about photos of nature, raw emotion, or special events.

Photos like this take true talent. You must be an adventurist, an opportunist, and a risk taker of the utmost degree. Who can take photos like this? I'll tell you...a mullet hunter, that's who.

Mullet hunters have been a rare species, but are becoming more and more well known as the people on this planet continue breeding exponentially. It used to be mullet hunters were societal outcasts, horrible people, but now, they are highly revered in their art.

Today is a day that has changed my life. I have seen a photo that has changed me, and the way I view life, and even McDonald's. I'm not a fast food junkie, nor am I a photographer, but some days I wish I was both so I could take credit for this photo of a beautiful man.

In all his glory, an overweight, red headed, man with a mullet, riding on a modified moped of sorts, cruising at a steady 13 MPH through the McD's parking lot...although the mountains in the background could be considered beautiful, I'm afraid Mother Nature is outshined by the finest human subspecies Planet Earth has to offer; a man with a mullet.

Thank you to the mullet hunter who captured this amazing photo. With your skills, it's a wonder National Geographic hasn't plopped you in a trailer park in Arkansas for a photo essay.

Jon and Eight MINUS Kate and Her Horrible Haircut

If you live in America, and have access to cable/internet/or people, you are well aware that a normal, American family, known as The Gosselins, are now major celebrities. Why? Good question. At first, it was because Kate pumped out a set of twins and then sextuplets, births that shouldn't have happened but thanks to modern medicine and money, here the world is with more babies. After appearing on NBC, Discovery Health, and finally TLC, the TV world has been graced with their story.

Never once have I had any desire to watch any show about this family, not even after all the hubbub with their impending divorce. As embarrassed as I am to say this, I have caught an episode or two in the last few years. Please remember it was only a few episodes, so I am by no means an expert on this family. But, like everyone else, I have an opinion.

Kate, is it important that you nagged on your husband until you verbally castrated him? Not really. Does it matter that your kids will grow up and hate both of you, for putting them on national TV and then causing more rumors than Lady GaGa being a hermaphrodite? Absolutely. But none of this is nearly as important as this...

Kate, although you're a retched bitch and you're lucky that Jon stayed with you as long as he did, you just have a stupid haircut. This is the real issue here people! Did you have Edward Scissorhands chop up your hair in 84 different locations, spike it with an 8oz bottle of hair gel, then spray it with hairspray, and call it a day? Or did the interns at the Aveda Institute take you seriously when you said you like it longer in the front, and shorter in the back, or the likes of a backwards mullet?

Well, it's taken about a decade but you finally realized it is high time for a haircut. But, upon further inspection, I have to ask; is this really a new haircut, or is it simply a trick of the eye? Have you pulled a Chris Angel and forced us to get distracted by your crimped, overly long bangs, hanging over her eyes, meanwhile the same chopped butch haircut is still displayed on your head?

Nice try Kate, but I'm onto you. I can still see the short spikes in the back. You're not fooling anyone. And btw, your "The Gosselin" haircut will NEVER be as popular as "The Rachel", so don't even try it.

Heartless Hip Hopper

Although I did not watch the MTV VMA Awards 2009, that does not mean I did not hear or watch videos and read countless articles about the obnoxious interruption during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. I agree with everyone else; it was rude and uncalled for, and it was just another tantrum. And like everyone else, I have an opinion about it...

We all felt bad for you, Kanye, when you lost your Mom to a freak surgical mishap, or whatever the hell that was. Seriously though, there are millions of people who lose their parents or other loved ones every single day and somehow cope with it...

Kanye, you should meet up with Candy from A & E's "Intervention" and get help for your anger/alcohol/ego/mother issues because you are now in the same category as Chris Brown...a has been who will only be popular because of your ludicrous behavior, not your talent; and Taylor, you should probably stop crying on your guitar; you just won an MTV award, and thanks to Beyonce, you got to enjoy that moment.

P.S. If you were to put more of that pent up angst and anger into your videos, maybe YOU would have won best video, not just this year, but in years prior. And btw, what was your girlfriend wearing? Was she trying to be like Mystique, but in a skin colored bodysuit? You should have called HER out on that, not stomped all over a teenager's well deserved award...like you once asked, "How could you be so Dr. Evil?"
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