18 February 2009

SeaWorld, Shamu, and 1,000,000,000,000 M & M's

Emily and I decided to take a short Valentine's Day vacation to Orlando this past weekend, not because it was Valentine's Day but because we just wanted to get away for a while. We had gone out for happy hour that night, which ultimately turned into many happy hours and we didn't fall asleep until 1am or so, but that didn't stop us from waking up at 6:15 am to get ready and be on the road around 7:30 am for our 3 hour trip north to Orlando.

Our first stop was SeaWorld in Orlando. For those of you who have not experienced SeaWorld, it is worth the $75 per person. A word of advice—buy your tickets online or buy them at a ticket outlet in Orlando so you can avoid the long lines Emily and I stood in awaiting to buy our tickets. Also, make sure you get there early as the parking lot fills up fast and the crowds come in the afternoon.

There are so many amazing animals and exhibits and shows to experience at SeaWorld. From alligators to sharks to belugas to killer whales, there is not an opportunity to be bored. The exhibits include the Wild Arctic where we saw polar bears and belugas; Shark Encounter where there were sharks of all shapes and sizes; Penguin encounter where we literally walked onto the set of "Happy Feet"; Sting Ray Lagoon, where we got to touch sting rays as they swam by in a shallow outdoor pool; Pacific Point Preserve, where we got to see sea lions up close during feeding time; Dolphin Cove where we saw dolphins play with toys in their pool; and of course who can forget the two marine shows we watched, "Shamu: Believe" and "Clyde and Seamore Take Pirate Island". Very amazing shows and this list is not all inclusive by any means. Emily paid for two one-day tickets but they are good for unlimited admission for the rest of the year. I guess it pays to be a Florida Resident. We plan on going back because even we weren't able to see everything SeaWorld has to offer.

Like any other Florida attraction, SeaWorld also has rides and also has an attached waterpark called Aquatica, where one of the rides is called the Dolphin Plunge where you can take a ride in a tubular waterslide through an aquarium. We chose not to go to Aquatica because there is just not enough time in one day to do it all!!! At SeaWorld though, there are a couple roller coasters and water rides. The roller coasters are Kraken and Manta and the water ride is Journey to Atlantis. For some reason, we decided to ride on Journey to Atlantis, which was a fun, thrilling water ride. The ride took us in a boat-like coaster through the underwater world of Atlantis, and once we hit daylight again, we raced down a very steep water track and got soaked at the bottom. Spectators can see the first drop from the front of the ride, but what the first time rider doesn't expect is the second, steeper, scarier drop at the end/back of the ride that is not in the public eye. I thought there would only be that one drop and then the coaster would take us up a steep incline and let us out but no...not the case at all. After we got pulled back up from the first drenching drop, the ride sped up, soaked us again, and dropped us harder and faster on a second, curvy, steep, fast slope and we finally slowed to a stop. I don't like roller coaster rides of any kind, water or not. Emily loves them. I decided to loosen up and give it a try...I have been on many coasters before at Six Flags but that was only a one-day, once in a lifetime thing and I will NEVER do it again. I couldn't stop shaking and I was soaked and hot and ready to leave. Good thing the water coaster was one of our last stops on our SeaWorld tour.

Our SeaWorld experience was very enjoyable, minus standing in line for the tickets, shows, and the water ride but what we were able to see and experiences was definitely worth the wait, especially since we got to see most of the exhibits from an underwater view, which was really neat. From there, we went back to our hotel, put on our swimsuits, and headed to one of the three pools at our hotel for a nice, refreshing dip in the pool. We were tired from the night before and the three-hour drive north, but we were also hot and sweaty from walking around all day at SeaWorld so a late afternoon swim was necessary. We then showered and got ready to head to Old Town, which is right across the parking lot, for some Saturday night drinking!

We had made plans to stay at the Suites at Old Town, which is a hotel at the Old Town attraction, which is one of the best attractions Orlando/Kissimmee has to offer. Old Town is an attraction that offers free parking and free admission because it is like a town within a town. There is a city street made of cobblestone with old style restaurants, shops, cafes, and bars. Almost every night of the week Old Town offers a different event and since we were there on Saturday night, we were able to experience the Saturday Night Cruise, where people bring their antique and classic cars and drive them in a parade and park them for our viewing pleasure.

Old Town also has rides like the Ferris Wheel and other typical carnival rides, except these run every day of the year, not just a few days each summer month. There are many great rides, food, and attractions at Old Town but the best attractions, and the scariest I might add, are the Human Slingshot and the Super Shot. The Human Slingshot is a ride where you get strapped into a safety harness/chair contraption and are then catapulted 365 feet into the air and are left bouncing until you come to a stop. NO THANKS! The Super Shot is a swing mechanism with wires between two towers. You are slowly brought up to 150 feet into they air as you lie down on a safety harness, either by yourself or with up to two other people—and then you once you are at the top, you let yourself go and freefall to the earth at speeds up to 80 MPH and are left swinging over water until you stop. Again, NO THANKS! But it is fun to see other people on these rides. I'm fine on the ground.

The best part about Old Town on a Saturday night, however, is going into one bar and ordering a beer, walking around town with it, and entering another bar for a refill. There is no traffic on this street, only during the car parades, so pedestrians are free to walk on the sidewalk or in the middle of the street as they wish. The hotel wasn't that great but it was a one bedroom suite with a living room, a kitchen with a table and a bedroom with two queen beds, along with a private balcony and the most comfortable pull down wall bed I've ever experienced.

Emily and I stopped at Tropical Breeze restaurant for a beer and we also grabbed a couple excellent burgers and frequented a few other taverns Saturday night and even watched some of the Saturday Night Cruise. We had lots to drink, played Skee-ball at the arcade, watched a kid ride the bull, and checked out some of the antique cars and then we decided to head next door and go to Fun Spot, with the world's most amazing go kart tracks ever!!! We stood in line for an hour, yes, an hour, to ride on the tallest, curviest, steepest go-kart track I had ever been on! It was a lot of fun but by 1 am, Emily and I were beat so we headed back to our hotel. When we got there, we weren't excited about sleeping on the rock hard mattress in our room so I tried out the bed in the wall, which was the comfiest bed I had ever slept on! Emily and I passed out on that bed for about 45 minutes before we woke up, brushed our teeth, and slept on a real, but hard bed in the bedroom.

That night before we left Old Town and made our way back to the Suites at Old Town, we were pulled into a discount ticket shop by a sales man and were convinced to sit through a 90-minute presentation on Sunday morning at Westgate Vacation Villas, where we would get a free breakfast and save about $60 on Wet n Wild Water Park tickets. You had to be married or in a domestic partnership to take advantage of this opportunity. Emily paid $40 for two tickets when they're about $47 each to begin with. We were promised a free breakfast, which we got, and we were promised discounted tickets if we sat through a 90-minute presentation about timeshares, which we did receive. The place was huge and there were many people there, all looking for cheap tickets like us, but I think we were the poorest people there since there were plenty of people actually buying time shares. Emily and I don't have an extra $37k lying around, nor do we have $3k for a deposit, nor do we plan on timesharing anytime soon. So, we ate breakfast, were escorted around the premises and sat through 3 HOURS of presentation and bullying to get us to buy a timeshare and we continued to say no. After three plus hours, a mediocre breakfast, and standing in line again, Emily and I finally got our vouchers for our cheap tickets, which we didn't use on Sunday, as it was chilly (65°F), cloudy, and was supposed to rain. We can come back from now until April to use our cheap tickets. Now, had we had more money, this would have been an AMAZING purchase but unfortunately, we are poor folk...someday it'll happen...someday.

After heading to Westgate for a timeshare presentation and free breakfast at 9am, we finally got our ticket vouchers around 12:30pm and headed back to Old Town for a quick shopping excursion at an amazing store called Black Market. It is a huge store full of stuff like beads, stones, shells, jewelry, etc. Emily and I bought beads there back in September when we drove up in the Cavalier and traded it in for my Saturn Vue. We loved the store so much we had to come back and Emily bought a couple pendants for her jewelry-making hobby. We also stopped at Kissimmee Popcorn and purchased Vanilla Nut popcorn and Apple Pie popcorn...AMAZING, by the way.

From there, we left Kissimmee and headed to Orlando. We arrived at the Florida Mall, for no other reason besides the fact we were heading straight to M & M's World. When you walk in to M & M's world from the parking lot, there are the green and red M & M statues there to greet you (not literally) but we came in through the mall entrance. The first thing I saw was an entire wall of different colored M & M's and tubes full of M & M's in the ceiling. AMAZING! Although the M & M's were $11.99/lb, we still purchased a pound for the experience. The store is HUGE and I totally know where I'm purchasing my gifts for birthdays and Christmas this upcoming year. Hope y'all like M & M's and M & M's souvenirs!!! AWESOME stuff!!!

Overall, it was a great weekend. Long drives, long lines, but definitely worthwhile. I would suggest visiting Orlando to anyone at anytime no matter your age. It's one of the most fun and interesting places in our country/world!!!

For more information about the places I mentioned in this blog, please visit the following links:

10 February 2009

The United States of Stupid America

United States of Stupid America

If you're thinking of visiting, moving to, or already live in these states, here are a few words of advice to keep you out of jail—some of these state/city laws may still be enacted so PLEASE, heed my warnings or you may just end up in the slammer!!!

1. Alabama
Parents—please enforce to your children it is not ok to pick their noses, especially outside because someone may be watching what your children do with their boogers and since boogers may not be flicked into the wind, you may want to make sure your children wipe their boogers and snot on the ground or under a bench instead.

2. Alaska
Moose run rampant in Alaska—they walk in the streets and roam in people's backyards—so next time you're having a cookout in the backyard and have a few friends over and a moose enters your yard, make sure you keep a close eye on those who are drinking beer so they aren't tempted to give the moose beer because it illegal to give moose any alcoholic beverages. This also applies to convenience store clerks and liquor store attendants—no matter the age, do not give moose alcohol.

3. Arizona
Don't listen to what they tell you in self defense classes—if you're being attached by a criminal or a burglar, you MUST use the same weapon the attacker is using (if any) or else you will be sent to jail, not the attacker. Hopefully, you're not being attacked by someone using a bowstaff, a machete, or a meat cleaver, as these are not very common items to carry on your persons. But, if you are, don't fight back...you could end up in jail!

4. Arkansas
Domestic violence is considered a contact sport in Arkansas; however, a man can only legally beat his wife once a month. More than that is considered abuse.

5. California
As we all know, California is a very unique state—it's one of the few states that has hot weather and snow all in the same day, and also has cars that can be driven without a human driver; a word to the wise, these cars aren't to exceed 60 MPH or else the car will be ticketed.

6. Colorado
I miss the good old days when you could trust your neighbors enough to go next door and ask for an egg, a cup of milk, a cup of sugar, or in rare cases, a vacuum cleaner. Next time your neighbor comes over and asks to borrow your vacuum cleaner because theirs is broken, DON'T do it as your neighbor is probably wired and it is a set up with the U.S. Marshalls waiting to arrest you for lending out your vacuum cleaner to your neighbor...but, it's probably ok to loan it to a family member who doesn't live adjacent to you in anyway, or on your block, or in your neighborhood.

7. Connecticut
Girls, Interrupted in Connecticut, next time you attempt suicide by cutting your wrists, do NOT dispose of your used razor blades—instead of dying or going to the psych ward, your ass will be in prison.

8. Delaware
Families in Delaware are really no different than families across this great nation. In other states though, families who go to church ALWAYS tell their children to be quiet. Not the case here; it is illegal to whisper in church so next time you need to say "bless you" to the person next to you after she sneezes, or even to reprimand your child for fidgeting and not paying attention, make sure you speak loudly for all to hear; in fact, it may be more appropriate if you yell, the exact opposite of a whisper so it won't be confused as a loud whisper.

9. Florida
Farting is funny. No matter what age, where you are, or who does it; it's inherently funny. Disgusting? Yes...hilarious? Absolutely, especially in public places where it's the most inappropriate. Just a little bit of advice to those of you who enjoy public flatulence as much as I do—keep it in your ass after 6 pm in public or your ass will be plugged in prison.

10. Georgia
Happy hour is a very happy time of day for most of us...some places even extend happy hour and have "Double Bubble" specials...unfortunately for Georgians, selling two beers for the price of one is illegal. So, I highly suggest NEVER looking for a happy hour because you'll only end up unhappy for longer than an hour.

11. Hawaii
A state consisting of beautiful islands—it's almost natural to think of boating when you think of Hawaii...if you are a resident of one of these beautiful islands, make sure you are the proud owner of a boat—any kind of boat, as long as it floats and can transport you somewhere—otherwise you may be sent to the mainland for punishment.

12. Idaho
This is the best place to engage in sexual activities while parked in your car somewhere you shouldn't be...the cops are very respectful as well. Unlike the other states where it's frowned upon to have sex in your vehicle parked in public, in Idaho, that's not the case. If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. What a nice guy huh? He'll let you both drop the big O, clean up, and get dressed before ticketing you...

13. Illinois
Neighbor's can be nuisances—they can forget to mow their lawns so their yards look unruly; they can either not rake all the leaves from the tree the two of you share or they can rake the leaves all into your yard; or even worse, they can "forget" to shovel and/or salt the sidewalk so when you take your dog out, you fall flat on your ass. Even so, it's probably never a good idea to retaliate, especially if you're retaliation consists of peeing in your neighbor's mouth...take the higher road. Don't urinate on or around your neighbors for fear it may land in their mouths and that my friend, will give you a one way ticket to the jailhouse.

14. Indiana
For all you males out there in Indiana—if you see a pretty woman wearing revealing clothing, or your girlfriend licks your ear while you're sitting in a cab, or even kissing your first date goodnight—DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get a boner...it is illegal and you will get sent to a place where boners are especially tolerated and welcome...the county jail. Keep it at half mast as best you can in public and let the sails rip when you get home.

15. Iowa
As we all know, there are many amputees in the state of Iowa. At one point in time, the state legislature even considered amputating the last half of its name and calling the state "IO" instead, in respect for all the amputees...They're everywhere, serving your favorite foods in restaurants, driving you around town, and performing major surgery on you when you get sick—I have to warn you amputees who are thinking of relocating here though—if you choose a career in the entertainment sector, you will not be paid much, especially piano players; in fact, one-armed piano players must perform for free. Sorry...but hey, on the upside, maybe TLC will produce a show about you!

16. Kansas
It's happened to everyone. We've all had too much to drink and have been forced to pee in public—leaning against trees, squatting in bushes, pissing in the snow, etc.—but make sure if you are going to break the law and publicly urinate, don't double break the law and pee against the side of the building. One offense may get you a slap on the wrist but two offenses committed simultaneously? I think not.

17. Kentucky
Many people across our great nation own pets—some people own donkeys, alligators, cats, dogs, etc...if you're a proud dog owner and you haven't spayed or neutered your animal, you may want to as it will help control the stray animal population. In Kentucky though, it's more important to spay or neuter your dog in fear that when it's in heat, it may molest a car and that folks is just plain disgusting...large stuffed animals? Acceptable...pillows? Encouraged...but cars? Wrong on so many levels...and illegal.

18. Louisiana
Louisiana is home to some of the best food, music, festivals, and culture in the entire United States. But with such unique culture, come "unique people" and "unique rituals" such as voodoo and hoodoo. Some of these cultures include sacrificial rituals and homemade potions and the like. Now, with most of these rituals come the use of herbs, minerals, parts of animals' bodies, an individual's possessions, and bodily fluids, especially menstrual blood, urine and semen. Here's the catch—although these rituals are very well known and historically set in this creepy state, rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. God help the officer who arrests the people who practice these rituals...um, voodoo dolls?

19. Maine
For those of you who are either flying over or into Maine, make sure you listen to your flight attendants and pilot when they turn on the seatbelt sign. If you feel like going for a leisurely stroll during a boring flight, please walk in the aisle as it is illegal to step out of a plane in flight.

20. Maryland
Like the other states I've mentioned, it's common to own pets. In Maryland, however, it's not a good idea to get a pet lion. Not only will it eat you or hurt you and your family in some way, then terrorize your neighborhood, but you won't be able to take it to go see "The Lion King" because it's illegal to take a lion to the movies. I wonder about tigers and bears though...oh my.

21. Massachusetts
I hate hospitals and hospital staff. They all smell the same and the staff are mean. So what my uncle is in the hospital after cardiac surgery? Why can't I bring him a cheeseburger? Or, my aunt is being diagnosed with lung cancer, but just can't find it in herself to quit so I help her outside to grab a quick smoke? The state of Massachusetts apparently has no qualms with the above listed activities; however, if your father is being treated for an alcohol related illness or disease, don't even think about sneaking anything in for him. It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients. Period. So don't even try it.

22. Michigan
This one's for you Boxcar Children—yes, you are orphans and your life sucks and you have resorted to homelessness aboard a boxcar but Henry, your siblings look up to you. Don't resort to the bottle to help drown your worries...your siblings need you to be sober to comfort them on those cold winter nights and give them brotherly advice when they need it. Plus, it's illegal to be drunk on a train so Henry, put the bottle down, get a life, leave the boxcar and go live with your Grandpa already. Your life's really not that bad.

23. Minnesota
The land of 10,000 lakes and the land of not being able to sleep naked. Be careful if you do...someone may be watching.

24. Mississippi
People take God and Jesus Christ pretty seriously in Mississippi. For the most part, churchgoers respect each other and their religious practices; there is, however, always the few people who cross the line and push the boundaries and disturb the church service. If it gets too out of hand, in most states, someone will call the police—in Mississippi, that's not the case. Private citizens may personally arrest any person who disturbs a church service. If I were you, I'd keep my mouth shut, my hands to myself, and my nose out of other people's church business if I were you otherwise you're going to have some Praise the Lord Baptists all over your ass.

25. Missouri
Babies are so cute! They are so tiny, cuddly, and loveable. And when most people are in the presence of babies, they automatically speak "Babyish". It just happens; no one knows where the language originated and scholars maintain that it was once replaced by Latin in schools of old. It is still popular in the United States though and can only be understood by babies. The only problem with this language is the people who speak it not only make weird faces but the also get either really high pitched voices or very low, guttural voices, which can actually frighten the baby. In no other state is this a problem but in Missouri, frightening a baby is in violation of the law. So, make sure you are speaking "Babyish" correctly and don't get too close to the baby when doing so or you may frighten the baby and the baby police will swat you on your diaper padded ass.

26. Montana
If you live in Montana and decide to become a hooker, or in more politically correct terminology, a "Lady of the Night", you may want to make sure you are far, far away from your family as prostitution is considered a “crime against the family”. If there's an ounce of humility and self respect left in you after you venture down this career path, keep your family out of it. There's no need to spread their name around town like you spread your legs.

27. Nebraska
During adolescence, we are warned of the dangers of having unprotected sex and the negative consequences of it like STD's, pregnancy, loss of self esteem, and everything related to risqué sex. Unlike the other 49 states, sexual education teachers teach the most valuable lesson every Nebraska teenager needs to know--persons with gonorrhea may not marry in Nebraska...but persons with AIDS, Chlamydia, and Syphilis are encouraged to get married and spread their joy...and diseases.

28. Nevada
A popular destination for gamblers, partiers, and horny people alike...gambling comes easy and legal, partying is a given, and prostitution is legal. Who wouldn't love to visit Nevada? Although Nevada may be one of the most risqué states, it is still illegal to own sex toys so to those of you women who yearn to work at the Bunny Ranch and please creepy men, put the dildos, vibrators, and whips away or you will be handcuffed for real...and these handcuffs won't have pink fuzzy padding on them.

29. New Hampshire
In every state, there are people engaging in extramarital affairs under false names at sleazy, side of the road motels. If you're thinking of starting an extramarital affair, make sure to use your real name because it is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name. So, either get caught by your wife or the police. You decide.

30. New Jersey
The Garden State has been a popular backdrop for Hollywood mafia movies and shows, one of the most popular and recent being HBO's award winning show, "The Sopranos". If you're planning a Tony Soprano style whacking, make sure you aren't hiding anything underneath your clothes because it is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a murder. I guess it's not fair for the murderer to have armor and not the victim.

31. New Mexico
Idiots may not vote. Is there anything else to say?

32. New York
A small northeastern state with one of the biggest metropolitan cities in the world. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. A city famous for fashion, culture, TV, and crime. But, if you're a suicidal New Yorker and decide you want to plummet to your death off the top of a sky scraper, you should probably know that the penalty for jumping off a building is death. If you somehow manage to survive your jump, don't worry. You'll still be punished by death anyway so either way, it's a win-win situation.

33. North Carolina
Everyone loves the "American Idol" judges. Everyone who isn't auditioning that is. For those of you "Idol" hopefuls out there who think you can sing, it doesn't matter if you or your family think you're great! If Simon, Randy, Paula, and Kara think you are tone deaf, then you are. Period. There's no disputing that. So, if you're heading to an audition in North Carolina, make sure you give it your all because it's against the law to sing off key and security is listening.

34. North Dakota
Next time you're in North Dakota and are looking for a nice tavern or restaurant to sit down and enjoy an ice cold beer and some grub, you should probably know that while you'll never see pretzels on restaurant menu and you'll never see pretzels in bowls on the bar because beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. So much for a happy happy hour.

35. Ohio
Babies are just like children and adults. They need to be fed if they get hungry in public. Some mothers bottle feed their babies and some breastfeed. All across the nation, mothers of all types have no qualms breastfeeding in public. But in Ohio, breast-feeding is not allowed in public so you will have pump before you go out or keep your milk jugs in your bra until you get home.

36. Oklahoma
Thanks to our wonderful federal government, it is now mandatory for every single sex offender to be registered and have their name, picture, and address broadcast all over the news and the internet. In Oklahoma, the same stands for anyone who is seeking to pay for sex from a "Lady of the Night"...any people arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television. So, if you're that desperate and don't want your fifteen minutes of fame to be wasted on a mug shot like Nick Nolte, I suggest you just stay home and do it yourself.

37. Oregon
On the West Coast, everyone is searching for something. Early settlers were searching for gold; young men and women are searching for stardom. But there are some people in the Pacific Northwest who are searching for somewhere to put their containers filled with human fecal matter. If you are that person and you happen to live in Oregon, please remember that it is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway. Find some place else for your shit box.

38. Pennsylvania
If you're thinking about going to college at Penn State or other colleges in this great state, make sure you select your roommates wisely and have a variety of men and women. If you're picking college housing and choose not to stay in the dorms, make sure you get a small house that can only fit about four people. The reason I advise this is because it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. So, if you aren't looking to be the next Heidi Fleiss, I suggest you heed my warning.

39. Rhode Island
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic, is null and void. Like New Mexico, what else is there to say? At least there's a couple states in the union that recognize that idiots and crazies should be denied their civil rights.

40. South Carolina
Domestic violence is typically considered a brutal crime and many states now have the mandatory arrest laws. If you're considering beating on your spouse, you need to keep your cool until Sunday because it is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the courthouse steps on Sundays. So, Monday through Saturday, keep your hands to yourselves and wait until Sunday to let that argument turn into a full on beating at the courthouse.

41. South Dakota
Everyone who owns property should have a "No Trespassing" or "Trespassers Will Be Shot on Sight" sign. It will deter most criminals from entering your property. If you live in South Dakota though, if there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property, you may shoot them. This law probably stems from the good ole "Oregon Trail" days but if it's still valid, you may want to rethink your property signage—"Gaggles of Indians Will be Shot on Sight".

42. Tennessee
We've all done it. Or seen it. We've all swerved to miss running over that squirrel or raccoon or skunk but sometimes, it is nature's way of controlling the rampant woodland creature population. Deer have broken many a windshield; raccoon have dented many a bumper. In Tennessee though, this is good news and may even be the answer to our nation's hunger problem. Here, it is legal to gather and consume roadkill. So next time you're driving in Tennessee and you see an animal in your lane, don't be afraid to hit it and take the meat because somewhere, there's a starving child and you don't want that on your conscious.

43. Texas
The Lone Star state, mostly known for the Bush family, the NRA, and the Texas Rangers. But what most people don't know is that Texas is not a state that looks highly upon sexual deviation. For those of you women, and even men I suppose, who like to experiment sexually, you must heed my advice next time you stop at a sex shop, or order sex toys online. In Texas, it is illegal to possess realistic dildos...remember that next time you are contemplating the "Chocolate Thunder" or "Milky Man Meat" dildos because if they are thick, veiny dildos, you must put them back on the shelf and settle for a less realistic dildos...or go to a neighboring state to get your kicks.

44. Utah
Public service workers like police officers and firemen, and EMT's are to be commended for their bravery and selflessness. If someone is in trouble or hurt, these people always rush to our assistance. As an EMT in Utah, there can be a lot of down time. Many EMT's engage in sexual relations in the back of ambulances during said down time; however, they need to be careful because if they suddenly get a call, they better jump into action because no one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. Next time you call 911 in Utah, just remember, you may have interrupted a hot and heavy love session atop the gurney and you better pray they remember to change the sheets.

45. Vermont
Centuries ago, and even still today, people have and are still coming to the United States to escape religious persecution. In America, everyone has the right to believe in one God, many Gods, or no God at all. Not true for Vermont though. In Vermont, it is illegal to deny the existence of God. So, if you want religious freedom, you better not live in Vermont because you will have no choice but to believe in God.

46. Virginia
Children have many favorite holidays—Easter when a bunny fills up baskets with candy; Christmas when Santa packs a buttload of presents under the tree. Perhaps the most popular holiday for children, and even some adults, is Halloween. Every year across the nation, children and adults dress up costumes and go beg strangers for candy and go to costume parties. This is a tradition that has been going on forever and shows no signs of stopping...yet. In Virginia, children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. If Halloween is your child's favorite holiday, I suggest moving out of state or vacationing in another state on October 31 so your child still has the opportunity to dress up in a costume and walk around the town, asking people for candy, although we teach our children never to talk to strangers and/or accept candy from them.

47. Washington
We all like to believe there are more good people than bad people in this country, or even the world. Sometimes that's not the case though. There's a city law in Washington that was set up to help deter criminals from entering any jurisdiction and committing a crime. This law states, " It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town". So next time you are heading to Washington to vacation or to commit crimes, make sure you alert the local authorities beforehand so they can arrest you with intent to commit a crime, not for actually committing the crime.

48. West Virginia
Not everybody is lucky in love. There are many single, desperately seeking Susans/Sams out there who just cannot find love anywhere. Good news for all you single, horny, desperate male West Virginians—instead of dating like normal people, it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40-lbs. Sorry ladies...you don't have the same privilege so it looks like another lonely night for you. But guys, you've got it made.

49. Wisconsin
As I stated before, public service workers are saviors to many communities. Police officers lock up criminals, EMT's save lives, and firemen put out fires and rescue cats from trees. Although police officers and EMT's work long hours, firemen are really the ones who have the longest shifts. Most of them work 24 hours or more on little to no sleep. Luckily, if it's a slow shift, they are allowed to catch a nap in between calls. In Wisconsin though, is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Next time there's a fire, you better hope you don't wake a fireman to come extinguish your flames or you'll lose more than your home; you'll lose your freedom as well.

50. Wyoming
Next time you ladies hit the clubs in Cheyenne, or hit up a townie bar in Casper, just remember the state of Wyoming is very strict about where you can and cannot consume alcohol. Ladies, it is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. So, when you're out for a night on the town, make sure to order your drinks, then leave the premises and consume your drinks, or back up at least five feet from the actual bar so as you don't get arrested.

Hopefully these strange, but true insights to our crazy laws in the United States will help you determine the next place you live, visit, or vacation. Remember, no matter what you do, there's probably a law against it.

05 February 2009


Children are sacred creatures. They are meant to be loved, cuddled, and taught; not beaten, raped, and killed.

What's happening to our world when a second grader brings heroin to school and tries it with his friends? He didn't know it was heroin; he thought it was candy and wanted to share with his friends. What are his parents doing where the second grader would end up with a bag of heroin in his lunchbox or his pocket? Did the parents have the intention of using the little kid as a dealer? Who knows...most likely not. It's more likely the child got into something he wasn't supposed to and ironically, the parents got into something they shouldn't have as well.

What kind of people start a meth lab and also have a vehicle parked in the driveway of their home with a dead infant stuffed in a storage container? Why an infant? Why the child? Why couldn't you meth addicts kill your stupid ass selves and leave the child out of it?

Why are you perverts selling children for sex? How perverted and fucked up are you that you have to pay for sex with a child? Why can't you just go to a bar like everyone else and take home some nasty slut from a townie bar? It goes against the laws of nature and we have evolved from sex with children. You should get your dick cut off and have it changed into a vagina. That way you are just as vulnerable as a child. You don't wield the power stick anymore and no one will be afraid of you.

How can you be family and hurt your own child? You are a parent, an aunt or uncle, a grandparent, a cousin...you're supposed to protect your own family—it's raw instinct. You never harm your own. But there are those of you who still hurt the ones you love the most, or are supposed to love the most. What's your motive? Money, greed, jealousy? Probably. Where's your compassion and love for your family? Nothing is ever that bad in life where you need to harm your own family member. Nothing.

I think instead of prison for anyone who harms a child, an animal, or an elderly person—(they're helpless!)—shouldn't be sentenced to prison. They should be tortured, mutilated, and killed by each other in a deep, dark, dank pit of their own soil. Seriously. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I truly believe you pay for your crimes here on earth. Someone sitting in prison for the rest of his/her life is a life that's a whole lot better than living in the free world in poverty or being homeless on the streets or being in a relationship/family where there's constant abuse. Prison is not a punishment; it's injustice. Just because someone's not actually in prison doesn't make his/her life a prison. There are more people in a prison in the free world than behind bars in a state penitentiary.

The rapists should rape each other; the murderers should murder each other; the perverts should molest each other. To me, that's the only fair punishment. If you want to rape or kill or mutilate someone that bad, do it to someone who's just like you. You both deserve each other. That's true justice.

04 February 2009

My thoughts on the year 2008, two months too late...

Obviously this list cannot summarize all of the events of 2008, these are some that pop out at me the most and of course, I have something to say about them all...and no, they're not a top 25 and go in NO particular order...

1. In 2008 we said goodbye to a young Hollywood star, Heath Ledger, who surprised us in 10 Things I Hate About You (amazing soundtrack, btw) and kept impressing us as a gay cowboy, Bob Dylan, and a crazy villain in Batman, a movie he never got to see; George Carlin and Bernie Mac, two comedians who will never be replaced or forgotten; Brad Renfro who amazed us in movies like The Client and Sleepers; and Estelle Getty, the old woman most known for her role on Golden Girls as the sassy Sophia Petrillo.

2. 2. Brangelina gave birth to their own kids and adopted even more third world countries and all the children in those countries!!! Wow...they'll be calling Nanny 911 soon...still, Angelina, thank you for taking the part in Wanted. HOT!

3. James Bond returned thanks to Daniel Craig, the least hottest of all Bond stars and if definitely a "But-his-face"...

4. Indiana Jones made a comeback on the big screen but I personally feel the Lego: Indiana Jones game was far better than all the movies combined and don't forget Lego: Batman either, although I did thoroughly enjoy watching Batman The Dark Knight and am in disbelief, even a year later, that Heath Ledger is no longer here.

5. Michael Phelps, yes, you are a great American/Olympic athlete but you are by no means the greatest Olympic athlete ever—just because you hold the world record in medals won doesn't mean you're the best...what about the fat shot-putter who only has one event but gets one gold medal—he won 100% of his events, just like you did...the best athlete should be judged by performance and percentage of events won, not the amount of gold medals won...and btw, stop drinking and driving and stop chiefing on that bong dude...you have a hot body and eat 22,000 calories a day...why fuck that up man? Seriously though, fix your teeth and then you wouldn't be a "But-his-face" like Daniel Craig.

6. The Japanese perfected synthetic blood so vampires don't necessarily need to hunt humans anymore...grab a six pack of TruBlood at your local gas station or supermarket...WAIT...what? Vampires aren't real? DAMNIT!!!!!!!! Thank you Charlaine Harris for writing your vampire series over the years and creating the character Sookie Stackhouse--your books are WAY better than Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series and HBO loved it Sookie so much they created the series True Blood, one of the best series HBO has ever seen (the best definitely being Six Feet Under).

7. Miley Cyrus, here are 7 things I hate about you—1. You. 2. Your Dad. 3. Your voice. 4. Your nudie Vanity Fair pics. 5. Your song called 7 Things 6. Your show Hannah Montana. 7. You. You are just going to end up like Hanson, The Cosby kids, the Brady Bunch, well, you get the picture...childhood stars stay in childhood so, I can't wait until you're an adult then we can be done with you. And Disney can put all your shit into their impenetrable vault and shut if forever.

8. The most amazing celebrity moment, as far as I'm concerned, is definitely the moment Tina Fey graced the TV again and again with her rendition of Sarah Palin on SNL. Her hilarious and accurate portrayal of the stupidest woman in all of Alaska and the United States, picked to have almost been the next V.P. (eek!!!) was the best celebrity moment of 2008. I also LOVE Tina Fey/Sarah Palin guest spots on SNL like Amy Poehler/Hilary Clinton and Wil Ferrell/George Bush...now, too bad someone didn't think of bringing back Cheri Oteri to play Sarah Palin's dumbass pregnant daughter...Also noteworthy, Tina supported Hilary Clinton's presidential campaign by quoting, "Bitch is the new Black"...I want to make out with Tina Fey just for that. God bless that woman and thank God Sarah Palin is back in Alaska...no one wants you here on the mainland.

9. Speaking of Sarah Palin, let's talk about her turkey "pardon"... By the way Sarah, when you pardoned that turkey, were you completely unaware that there were more turkeys being slaughtered right behind you or are you really just that dumb? You can see Russia from your house but you can't see the turkey slaughter right behind you? Seriously.

10. Amy Winehouse was sent to rehab...yes, they tried to make you go to rehab and you said no, no, no but they said yes, yes, yes.

11. Ellen and her hot Portia de Rossi of a girlfriend FINALLY got married...that gives us lesbians hope that one day, I too will be able to marry my girlfriend.

12. And for you "Mini-Me", no one wants to watch you having sex. You were disgusting in ALL Austin Powers movies and just cause you're the midget everyone casts in their movies and on TV doesn't make you a sex object...unless, of course, you're Chelsea Handler because she loves to fuck midgets...it says so in her two books, which if you haven't read, you need to. Funny ass shit.

13. Mariah Carey--didn't anyone tell you Nick Cannon is barely legal? Hope you have enough Glitter when you end up jail for being a cho-mo...I'm sure the woman prisoners would love to hear all 7 of your octaves...

14. Brett Favre—you're a fuckstick...don't play for the Packers for 17 years, retire, then cry like a baby and have a tantrum that you won't be playing Pop Warner again in the fall and then decide to come back where the Pack doesn't want you so you trade to the Jets...I hope you break your ankle.

15. As if we weren't sick of Lindsay Lohan already and we all secretly hope she was as cute and lovable in her twenties as she was in her teens when she played in The Parent Trap, now Lindsay decides to become a lesbian...awesome. But seriously, I still like her as an actress in Mean Girls and Georgia Rule, and even in my all time SNL episode from 2005 with Usher, and I actually like one of Samantha Ronson's songs, which is heard twice in Mean Girls...it's just a phase for you Lindsay and you'll be back to the sausage in no time.

16. Thomas Beatie-you're not a pregnant man. That's scientifically impossible. So you cut off your tits, kept your va-jay-jay and your uterus and legally changed your sex and your name but if you got the parts, that's what you are, no matter what you cut off...so, you are a pregnant woman who is legally a man, not a pregnant man. And knock it off already.

17. Kenley Collins, the obnoxious ugly girl from Project Runway definitely deserved to lose...no one talks that way to Heidi Klum, the most beautiful woman on this planet (besides Kate Beckinsale of course)..seriously Kenley, your clothes were hideous, as was your attitude...and way to make Tim Gunn's face redder than it normally is...don't piss off a pretentious, elderly gay man who's got a hard on for fashion Kenley...it got you booed off the stage.

18. Pirates of Somalia took over and made the Pirates of the Caribbean look like a bunch of pussies. Oil will beat chunks of change any day...although they're not as good looking as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or Kiera Knightley

19. Acai berries and Pomegranates—when the fuck did you become so goddamn popular? Juices, fruit dips, shampoo, shave gel, cereal, lotion, etc...it never stops...pretty soon they'll make Acai Mayonnaise and Pomegranate potato chips...seriously. I heart Pomegranates (not so crazy about Acai berries) but just because Oprah rants and raves about them doesn't make them any better...healthy? yes, but stop the obsession already.

20. Rock Band 2 vs. Guitar Hero...will one ever prevail over the other? Absolutely not...both are great games but have different playlists and playing styles but essentially the same thing...trust me when I say there is nothing like a fake "4 man band" in the middle of your living room with a fog/smoke/light machine, rocking out to "Livin on a Prayer" by the one and only Bon Jovi...seriously though? Not everyone is musically inclined so give us dorks a break...

21. Don't trust anything "Made in China", especially if it's digestible because in reality, it's not...Melamine in your body will not break it down and you will die...Melamine has since been found in animal feed and eggs, and even sex toys, so girls, next time you plan a romantic night with B.O.B., make sure you glove it before you love it!

22. Obama arrived on the big stage and on election night, he did a figurative Quarterback Kneel because he and everyone else knew time was running out and the other side was never going to win no matter if they pulled out a Hail Mary...We voted for change and elected our very first Black President...whether or not he'll do a good job, who cares? We have a black president and Bush can suck on it and go back to Texas.

23. PETA--no thanks...no one wants to eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream that's been made from breast milk. That's disgusting...we'll all stick to cow milk.

24. On a more serious note, Jennifer Hudson lost three members of her family to a crazy, estranged boyfriend/husband for no reason besides jealousy. The Dreamgirls star's life is now a nightmare and her story brought tears to everyone's eyes...Caylee Anthony, a beautiful little girl was murdered and thrown away like trash in Orlando, FL where her remains were found not far from her family's home...Casey Anthony, either you did it or you're covering for your crazy parents/suicidal father...someone just confess already! Stop killing innocent people because you're fucked up. Every year, the killing and violence in this world gets worse and worse...kill yourself, not someone else who doesn't deserve it.

25. On an even more serious and personal and final note, my family and friends lost some people as well in 2008. Dad lost his BFF and lawyer Mike Roe to a heart attack on the Fourth of July before the parade; my great friend Katie lost her father, Dick Davis, of nothing more than a bee sting; my beautiful girlfriend Emily and her amazing family lost the strongest woman to ever grace their lives to breast cancer, Yvonne Rawley, who affected everyone's life and even though I didn't know her well, she affected my life more than I thought she would...we miss all of you. Make sure to hug and kiss your loved ones as much as you can and don't take anything for granted because you never know...they could be gone the very next day.

2008 was full of laughs and tears and hopefully 2009 will bring more laughs than tears...God knows we need them.

Race for the Cure

**Written on 1/31/09**

This morning at approximately 6:11 am, we all wake up to get ready to drive an hour north to West Palm Beach for Race for the Cure. We were awoken by a text message from Sarah, one of our teammates, who actually pussed out because it was simply "too early" for her. Our other teammate, Lora, couldn't come because she had class. Excused. "Too early"? NOT excused.

Anyway, we left the house around 6:30 am. Last night, Erik told us he was running low on gas. He thinks it's cool that his BMW tells him exactly how many miles he has left in his gas tank and in his fuel reserve. Needless to say, he probably should've gotten gas last night or at the very least, this morning before we hopped on I-95 towards West Palm Beach.

Erik is NOT a morning person so he was a giant DICK this morning. I wanted to drive separately with Emily but it just wasn't economical so we all rode together. We got off on Okeechobee Road and headed to the intercoastal in downtown. Now, in downtown West Palm Beach, there are NO gas stations. So, we arrive in town around 7:30 am running on fumes. The BMW gas gauge indicated the car was out of gas and there was no gas in the reserve either.

At this point, Emily turns on her GPS to find a gas station. We pull up at a Marathon gas station, only a few blocks from the ghetto and the goddamn gas pump doesn't work! It took Erik's credit card info but wouldn't pump gas although the gas pump indicated it was ready. Erik, having to take a massive crap and already crabby as FUCK, decides he's going to punch the gas pump, throw a temper tantrum, and get back in the car.
REMEMBER: We were running on fumes 5 miles before we tried getting gas so every acceleration makes it worse; but Erik's idea of acceleration is going 50 MPH when the light turns green.

Erik says fuck it let's get to the race because his event started at 8:00 am and it was about 7:40 am when we pulled into the parking garage that we weren't sure we'd get out of with no gas. I mention to Erik he should've gotten gas before we left and he says "SHUT UP KARA!" like he used to when we were 12 years old. I told him he said the SAME SHIT to me when my car was broken into and it didn't feel good to be made a fool of after
the fact! He continued to be crabby and pissy because HE decided he didn't want to stop for gas. Fine.

Anyway, it was a brisk 48 degrees this morning lining up to start the race. Erik started running his 5k race at 8 am and we started our 5k walk at 8:30 am. I heard the announcer say they made about $1,000,000 and there were at least over 22,000 participants just this morning. There were all sorts of people participating--Men, women, kids, seniors, breast cancer survivors, teams, individuals, corporations, etc. It was an amazing sight to see. It was a little emotional at the beginning but that's to be expected. Once Erik started his race, Emily and I made our way to the memorial garden that had garden signs either in celebration of breast cancer survivors or in memory of loved ones who died from breast cancer. We bought a sign for Yvonne Rawley and took it home with us.

Erik's race went really well. He finished the 5k in about 30 minutes and towards the end, he claimed he slowed down and started walking but there was a woman standing off to the side who said "C'mon! I had breast cancer! Keep running!" So Erik smiled and ran his ass to the finish line. By the time he was done with his race, Emily and I just started ours. But I'll get back to that in a minute.

Emily and I finished the walk in an hour. It was just amazing to get up early and go walk for a purpose--we donated money and got people to donate! Thank you to all of you donated!!! Everyone appreciates it!!! It was just truly amazing to see so many people out there participating in an event for someone else--maybe it was herself, or maybe it was her family, or maybe it was our family--it didn't matter. We were all out there for the same reason. Corporations such as Ford, Panera Bread, National City, Fuse, and many others were out there handing out free breakfast bagels, water, juice, bandanas, and pink capes--which said "FUZE Hero for Hope" and many men, women, and children wore them. No matter how bad this world gets, once in a while you can get a glimpse of the good that's still in people's hearts.

Congratulations for those breast cancer survivors who continue walking and showing support not only for yourself but for other families who are going through the exact same thing. Sympathies to those families who weren't so lucky, like the Rawley family. Yvonne Rawley is sorely missed but I can only hope she would be proud Emily and all the other people who get out there and donate and show their support by sacrificing their Saturday morning/afternoon for someone else. It's too late to help Yvonne but it's never to late to help other families like hers! So, you can still donate for Race for the Cure until February 27th, 2009 on www.komensouthflorida.org BUT you can donate year round to the Susan G. Komen foundation. It could be you, your mother, your grandmother, your sister, your aunt, your family, or someone else's family--every dollar counts.

Emily and I finished around 9:30 am and walked around to the memorial garden to grab the in memory of sign and get a "Warriors in Pink" bandana from Ford. In the meantime, Erik said he was on his way to find a gas station using Emily's GPS but his BMW actually sputtered and stopped in the ghetto. He proceeded to call a cab, who then brought him to a gas station so he could get a red gallon and pour enough gas in his beamer to make it to the gas station again to fill up. So, instead of stopping for gas this morning like he should've, instead he spent an unnecessary $40 or more on cab fare and tips. Whatever. In the words of Erik, "It is what it is."

Overall, today was great. Tiring and chilly, but definitely worth it. Next time an event such as Race for the Cure arises in your area, get your ass out there and SAVE THE TATAS!!!
Made by Lena