04 February 2009

My thoughts on the year 2008, two months too late...

Obviously this list cannot summarize all of the events of 2008, these are some that pop out at me the most and of course, I have something to say about them all...and no, they're not a top 25 and go in NO particular order...

1. In 2008 we said goodbye to a young Hollywood star, Heath Ledger, who surprised us in 10 Things I Hate About You (amazing soundtrack, btw) and kept impressing us as a gay cowboy, Bob Dylan, and a crazy villain in Batman, a movie he never got to see; George Carlin and Bernie Mac, two comedians who will never be replaced or forgotten; Brad Renfro who amazed us in movies like The Client and Sleepers; and Estelle Getty, the old woman most known for her role on Golden Girls as the sassy Sophia Petrillo.

2. 2. Brangelina gave birth to their own kids and adopted even more third world countries and all the children in those countries!!! Wow...they'll be calling Nanny 911 soon...still, Angelina, thank you for taking the part in Wanted. HOT!

3. James Bond returned thanks to Daniel Craig, the least hottest of all Bond stars and if definitely a "But-his-face"...

4. Indiana Jones made a comeback on the big screen but I personally feel the Lego: Indiana Jones game was far better than all the movies combined and don't forget Lego: Batman either, although I did thoroughly enjoy watching Batman The Dark Knight and am in disbelief, even a year later, that Heath Ledger is no longer here.

5. Michael Phelps, yes, you are a great American/Olympic athlete but you are by no means the greatest Olympic athlete ever—just because you hold the world record in medals won doesn't mean you're the best...what about the fat shot-putter who only has one event but gets one gold medal—he won 100% of his events, just like you did...the best athlete should be judged by performance and percentage of events won, not the amount of gold medals won...and btw, stop drinking and driving and stop chiefing on that bong dude...you have a hot body and eat 22,000 calories a day...why fuck that up man? Seriously though, fix your teeth and then you wouldn't be a "But-his-face" like Daniel Craig.

6. The Japanese perfected synthetic blood so vampires don't necessarily need to hunt humans anymore...grab a six pack of TruBlood at your local gas station or supermarket...WAIT...what? Vampires aren't real? DAMNIT!!!!!!!! Thank you Charlaine Harris for writing your vampire series over the years and creating the character Sookie Stackhouse--your books are WAY better than Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series and HBO loved it Sookie so much they created the series True Blood, one of the best series HBO has ever seen (the best definitely being Six Feet Under).

7. Miley Cyrus, here are 7 things I hate about you—1. You. 2. Your Dad. 3. Your voice. 4. Your nudie Vanity Fair pics. 5. Your song called 7 Things 6. Your show Hannah Montana. 7. You. You are just going to end up like Hanson, The Cosby kids, the Brady Bunch, well, you get the picture...childhood stars stay in childhood so, I can't wait until you're an adult then we can be done with you. And Disney can put all your shit into their impenetrable vault and shut if forever.

8. The most amazing celebrity moment, as far as I'm concerned, is definitely the moment Tina Fey graced the TV again and again with her rendition of Sarah Palin on SNL. Her hilarious and accurate portrayal of the stupidest woman in all of Alaska and the United States, picked to have almost been the next V.P. (eek!!!) was the best celebrity moment of 2008. I also LOVE Tina Fey/Sarah Palin guest spots on SNL like Amy Poehler/Hilary Clinton and Wil Ferrell/George Bush...now, too bad someone didn't think of bringing back Cheri Oteri to play Sarah Palin's dumbass pregnant daughter...Also noteworthy, Tina supported Hilary Clinton's presidential campaign by quoting, "Bitch is the new Black"...I want to make out with Tina Fey just for that. God bless that woman and thank God Sarah Palin is back in Alaska...no one wants you here on the mainland.

9. Speaking of Sarah Palin, let's talk about her turkey "pardon"... By the way Sarah, when you pardoned that turkey, were you completely unaware that there were more turkeys being slaughtered right behind you or are you really just that dumb? You can see Russia from your house but you can't see the turkey slaughter right behind you? Seriously.

10. Amy Winehouse was sent to rehab...yes, they tried to make you go to rehab and you said no, no, no but they said yes, yes, yes.

11. Ellen and her hot Portia de Rossi of a girlfriend FINALLY got married...that gives us lesbians hope that one day, I too will be able to marry my girlfriend.

12. And for you "Mini-Me", no one wants to watch you having sex. You were disgusting in ALL Austin Powers movies and just cause you're the midget everyone casts in their movies and on TV doesn't make you a sex object...unless, of course, you're Chelsea Handler because she loves to fuck midgets...it says so in her two books, which if you haven't read, you need to. Funny ass shit.

13. Mariah Carey--didn't anyone tell you Nick Cannon is barely legal? Hope you have enough Glitter when you end up jail for being a cho-mo...I'm sure the woman prisoners would love to hear all 7 of your octaves...

14. Brett Favre—you're a fuckstick...don't play for the Packers for 17 years, retire, then cry like a baby and have a tantrum that you won't be playing Pop Warner again in the fall and then decide to come back where the Pack doesn't want you so you trade to the Jets...I hope you break your ankle.

15. As if we weren't sick of Lindsay Lohan already and we all secretly hope she was as cute and lovable in her twenties as she was in her teens when she played in The Parent Trap, now Lindsay decides to become a lesbian...awesome. But seriously, I still like her as an actress in Mean Girls and Georgia Rule, and even in my all time SNL episode from 2005 with Usher, and I actually like one of Samantha Ronson's songs, which is heard twice in Mean Girls...it's just a phase for you Lindsay and you'll be back to the sausage in no time.

16. Thomas Beatie-you're not a pregnant man. That's scientifically impossible. So you cut off your tits, kept your va-jay-jay and your uterus and legally changed your sex and your name but if you got the parts, that's what you are, no matter what you cut off...so, you are a pregnant woman who is legally a man, not a pregnant man. And knock it off already.

17. Kenley Collins, the obnoxious ugly girl from Project Runway definitely deserved to lose...no one talks that way to Heidi Klum, the most beautiful woman on this planet (besides Kate Beckinsale of course)..seriously Kenley, your clothes were hideous, as was your attitude...and way to make Tim Gunn's face redder than it normally is...don't piss off a pretentious, elderly gay man who's got a hard on for fashion Kenley...it got you booed off the stage.

18. Pirates of Somalia took over and made the Pirates of the Caribbean look like a bunch of pussies. Oil will beat chunks of change any day...although they're not as good looking as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or Kiera Knightley

19. Acai berries and Pomegranates—when the fuck did you become so goddamn popular? Juices, fruit dips, shampoo, shave gel, cereal, lotion, etc...it never stops...pretty soon they'll make Acai Mayonnaise and Pomegranate potato chips...seriously. I heart Pomegranates (not so crazy about Acai berries) but just because Oprah rants and raves about them doesn't make them any better...healthy? yes, but stop the obsession already.

20. Rock Band 2 vs. Guitar Hero...will one ever prevail over the other? Absolutely not...both are great games but have different playlists and playing styles but essentially the same thing...trust me when I say there is nothing like a fake "4 man band" in the middle of your living room with a fog/smoke/light machine, rocking out to "Livin on a Prayer" by the one and only Bon Jovi...seriously though? Not everyone is musically inclined so give us dorks a break...

21. Don't trust anything "Made in China", especially if it's digestible because in reality, it's not...Melamine in your body will not break it down and you will die...Melamine has since been found in animal feed and eggs, and even sex toys, so girls, next time you plan a romantic night with B.O.B., make sure you glove it before you love it!

22. Obama arrived on the big stage and on election night, he did a figurative Quarterback Kneel because he and everyone else knew time was running out and the other side was never going to win no matter if they pulled out a Hail Mary...We voted for change and elected our very first Black President...whether or not he'll do a good job, who cares? We have a black president and Bush can suck on it and go back to Texas.

23. PETA--no thanks...no one wants to eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream that's been made from breast milk. That's disgusting...we'll all stick to cow milk.

24. On a more serious note, Jennifer Hudson lost three members of her family to a crazy, estranged boyfriend/husband for no reason besides jealousy. The Dreamgirls star's life is now a nightmare and her story brought tears to everyone's eyes...Caylee Anthony, a beautiful little girl was murdered and thrown away like trash in Orlando, FL where her remains were found not far from her family's home...Casey Anthony, either you did it or you're covering for your crazy parents/suicidal father...someone just confess already! Stop killing innocent people because you're fucked up. Every year, the killing and violence in this world gets worse and worse...kill yourself, not someone else who doesn't deserve it.

25. On an even more serious and personal and final note, my family and friends lost some people as well in 2008. Dad lost his BFF and lawyer Mike Roe to a heart attack on the Fourth of July before the parade; my great friend Katie lost her father, Dick Davis, of nothing more than a bee sting; my beautiful girlfriend Emily and her amazing family lost the strongest woman to ever grace their lives to breast cancer, Yvonne Rawley, who affected everyone's life and even though I didn't know her well, she affected my life more than I thought she would...we miss all of you. Make sure to hug and kiss your loved ones as much as you can and don't take anything for granted because you never know...they could be gone the very next day.

2008 was full of laughs and tears and hopefully 2009 will bring more laughs than tears...God knows we need them.


Made by Lena