United States of Stupid America
If you're thinking of visiting, moving to, or already live in these states, here are a few words of advice to keep you out of jail—some of these state/city laws may still be enacted so PLEASE, heed my warnings or you may just end up in the slammer!!!
Parents—please enforce to your children it is not ok to pick their noses, especially outside because someone may be watching what your children do with their boogers and since boogers may not be flicked into the wind, you may want to make sure your children wipe their boogers and snot on the ground or under a bench instead.
Moose run rampant in Alaska—they walk in the streets and roam in people's backyards—so next time you're having a cookout in the backyard and have a few friends over and a moose enters your yard, make sure you keep a close eye on those who are drinking beer so they aren't tempted to give the moose beer because it illegal to give moose any alcoholic beverages. This also applies to convenience store clerks and liquor store attendants—no matter the age, do not give moose alcohol.
Don't listen to what they tell you in self defense classes—if you're being attached by a criminal or a burglar, you MUST use the same weapon the attacker is using (if any) or else you will be sent to jail, not the attacker. Hopefully, you're not being attacked by someone using a bowstaff, a machete, or a meat cleaver, as these are not very common items to carry on your persons. But, if you are, don't fight back...you could end up in jail!
Domestic violence is considered a contact sport in Arkansas; however, a man can only legally beat his wife once a month. More than that is considered abuse.
As we all know, California is a very unique state—it's one of the few states that has hot weather and snow all in the same day, and also has cars that can be driven without a human driver; a word to the wise, these cars aren't to exceed 60 MPH or else the car will be ticketed.
I miss the good old days when you could trust your neighbors enough to go next door and ask for an egg, a cup of milk, a cup of sugar, or in rare cases, a vacuum cleaner. Next time your neighbor comes over and asks to borrow your vacuum cleaner because theirs is broken, DON'T do it as your neighbor is probably wired and it is a set up with the U.S. Marshalls waiting to arrest you for lending out your vacuum cleaner to your neighbor...but, it's probably ok to loan it to a family member who doesn't live adjacent to you in anyway, or on your block, or in your neighborhood.
Girls, Interrupted in Connecticut, next time you attempt suicide by cutting your wrists, do NOT dispose of your used razor blades—instead of dying or going to the psych ward, your ass will be in prison.
Families in Delaware are really no different than families across this great nation. In other states though, families who go to church ALWAYS tell their children to be quiet. Not the case here; it is illegal to whisper in church so next time you need to say "bless you" to the person next to you after she sneezes, or even to reprimand your child for fidgeting and not paying attention, make sure you speak loudly for all to hear; in fact, it may be more appropriate if you yell, the exact opposite of a whisper so it won't be confused as a loud whisper.
Farting is funny. No matter what age, where you are, or who does it; it's inherently funny. Disgusting? Yes...hilarious? Absolutely, especially in public places where it's the most inappropriate. Just a little bit of advice to those of you who enjoy public flatulence as much as I do—keep it in your ass after 6 pm in public or your ass will be plugged in prison.
Happy hour is a very happy time of day for most of us...some places even extend happy hour and have "Double Bubble" specials...unfortunately for Georgians, selling two beers for the price of one is illegal. So, I highly suggest NEVER looking for a happy hour because you'll only end up unhappy for longer than an hour.
A state consisting of beautiful islands—it's almost natural to think of boating when you think of Hawaii...if you are a resident of one of these beautiful islands, make sure you are the proud owner of a boat—any kind of boat, as long as it floats and can transport you somewhere—otherwise you may be sent to the mainland for punishment.
This is the best place to engage in sexual activities while parked in your car somewhere you shouldn't be...the cops are very respectful as well. Unlike the other states where it's frowned upon to have sex in your vehicle parked in public, in Idaho, that's not the case. If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. What a nice guy huh? He'll let you both drop the big O, clean up, and get dressed before ticketing you...
Neighbor's can be nuisances—they can forget to mow their lawns so their yards look unruly; they can either not rake all the leaves from the tree the two of you share or they can rake the leaves all into your yard; or even worse, they can "forget" to shovel and/or salt the sidewalk so when you take your dog out, you fall flat on your ass. Even so, it's probably never a good idea to retaliate, especially if you're retaliation consists of peeing in your neighbor's mouth...take the higher road. Don't urinate on or around your neighbors for fear it may land in their mouths and that my friend, will give you a one way ticket to the jailhouse.
For all you males out there in Indiana—if you see a pretty woman wearing revealing clothing, or your girlfriend licks your ear while you're sitting in a cab, or even kissing your first date goodnight—DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get a boner...it is illegal and you will get sent to a place where boners are especially tolerated and welcome...the county jail. Keep it at half mast as best you can in public and let the sails rip when you get home.
As we all know, there are many amputees in the state of Iowa. At one point in time, the state legislature even considered amputating the last half of its name and calling the state "IO" instead, in respect for all the amputees...They're everywhere, serving your favorite foods in restaurants, driving you around town, and performing major surgery on you when you get sick—I have to warn you amputees who are thinking of relocating here though—if you choose a career in the entertainment sector, you will not be paid much, especially piano players; in fact, one-armed piano players must perform for free. Sorry...but hey, on the upside, maybe TLC will produce a show about you!
It's happened to everyone. We've all had too much to drink and have been forced to pee in public—leaning against trees, squatting in bushes, pissing in the snow, etc.—but make sure if you are going to break the law and publicly urinate, don't double break the law and pee against the side of the building. One offense may get you a slap on the wrist but two offenses committed simultaneously? I think not.
Many people across our great nation own pets—some people own donkeys, alligators, cats, dogs, etc...if you're a proud dog owner and you haven't spayed or neutered your animal, you may want to as it will help control the stray animal population. In Kentucky though, it's more important to spay or neuter your dog in fear that when it's in heat, it may molest a car and that folks is just plain disgusting...large stuffed animals? Acceptable...pillows? Encouraged...but cars? Wrong on so many levels...and illegal.
Louisiana is home to some of the best food, music, festivals, and culture in the entire United States. But with such unique culture, come "unique people" and "unique rituals" such as voodoo and hoodoo. Some of these cultures include sacrificial rituals and homemade potions and the like. Now, with most of these rituals come the use of herbs, minerals, parts of animals' bodies, an individual's possessions, and bodily fluids, especially menstrual blood, urine and semen. Here's the catch—although these rituals are very well known and historically set in this creepy state, rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. God help the officer who arrests the people who practice these rituals...um, voodoo dolls?
For those of you who are either flying over or into Maine, make sure you listen to your flight attendants and pilot when they turn on the seatbelt sign. If you feel like going for a leisurely stroll during a boring flight, please walk in the aisle as it is illegal to step out of a plane in flight.
Like the other states I've mentioned, it's common to own pets. In Maryland, however, it's not a good idea to get a pet lion. Not only will it eat you or hurt you and your family in some way, then terrorize your neighborhood, but you won't be able to take it to go see "The Lion King" because it's illegal to take a lion to the movies. I wonder about tigers and bears though...oh my.
I hate hospitals and hospital staff. They all smell the same and the staff are mean. So what my uncle is in the hospital after cardiac surgery? Why can't I bring him a cheeseburger? Or, my aunt is being diagnosed with lung cancer, but just can't find it in herself to quit so I help her outside to grab a quick smoke? The state of Massachusetts apparently has no qualms with the above listed activities; however, if your father is being treated for an alcohol related illness or disease, don't even think about sneaking anything in for him. It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients. Period. So don't even try it.
This one's for you Boxcar Children—yes, you are orphans and your life sucks and you have resorted to homelessness aboard a boxcar but Henry, your siblings look up to you. Don't resort to the bottle to help drown your worries...your siblings need you to be sober to comfort them on those cold winter nights and give them brotherly advice when they need it. Plus, it's illegal to be drunk on a train so Henry, put the bottle down, get a life, leave the boxcar and go live with your Grandpa already. Your life's really not that bad.
The land of 10,000 lakes and the land of not being able to sleep naked. Be careful if you do...someone may be watching.
People take God and Jesus Christ pretty seriously in Mississippi. For the most part, churchgoers respect each other and their religious practices; there is, however, always the few people who cross the line and push the boundaries and disturb the church service. If it gets too out of hand, in most states, someone will call the police—in Mississippi, that's not the case. Private citizens may personally arrest any person who disturbs a church service. If I were you, I'd keep my mouth shut, my hands to myself, and my nose out of other people's church business if I were you otherwise you're going to have some Praise the Lord Baptists all over your ass.
Babies are so cute! They are so tiny, cuddly, and loveable. And when most people are in the presence of babies, they automatically speak "Babyish". It just happens; no one knows where the language originated and scholars maintain that it was once replaced by Latin in schools of old. It is still popular in the United States though and can only be understood by babies. The only problem with this language is the people who speak it not only make weird faces but the also get either really high pitched voices or very low, guttural voices, which can actually frighten the baby. In no other state is this a problem but in Missouri, frightening a baby is in violation of the law. So, make sure you are speaking "Babyish" correctly and don't get too close to the baby when doing so or you may frighten the baby and the baby police will swat you on your diaper padded ass.
If you live in Montana and decide to become a hooker, or in more politically correct terminology, a "Lady of the Night", you may want to make sure you are far, far away from your family as prostitution is considered a “crime against the family”. If there's an ounce of humility and self respect left in you after you venture down this career path, keep your family out of it. There's no need to spread their name around town like you spread your legs.
During adolescence, we are warned of the dangers of having unprotected sex and the negative consequences of it like STD's, pregnancy, loss of self esteem, and everything related to risqué sex. Unlike the other 49 states, sexual education teachers teach the most valuable lesson every Nebraska teenager needs to know--persons with gonorrhea may not marry in Nebraska...but persons with AIDS, Chlamydia, and Syphilis are encouraged to get married and spread their joy...and diseases.
A popular destination for gamblers, partiers, and horny people alike...gambling comes easy and legal, partying is a given, and prostitution is legal. Who wouldn't love to visit Nevada? Although Nevada may be one of the most risqué states, it is still illegal to own sex toys so to those of you women who yearn to work at the Bunny Ranch and please creepy men, put the dildos, vibrators, and whips away or you will be handcuffed for real...and these handcuffs won't have pink fuzzy padding on them.
29. New Hampshire
In every state, there are people engaging in extramarital affairs under false names at sleazy, side of the road motels. If you're thinking of starting an extramarital affair, make sure to use your real name because it is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name. So, either get caught by your wife or the police. You decide.
30. New Jersey
The Garden State has been a popular backdrop for Hollywood mafia movies and shows, one of the most popular and recent being HBO's award winning show, "The Sopranos". If you're planning a Tony Soprano style whacking, make sure you aren't hiding anything underneath your clothes because it is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a murder. I guess it's not fair for the murderer to have armor and not the victim.
31. New Mexico
Idiots may not vote. Is there anything else to say?
32. New York
A small northeastern state with one of the biggest metropolitan cities in the world. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. A city famous for fashion, culture, TV, and crime. But, if you're a suicidal New Yorker and decide you want to plummet to your death off the top of a sky scraper, you should probably know that the penalty for jumping off a building is death. If you somehow manage to survive your jump, don't worry. You'll still be punished by death anyway so either way, it's a win-win situation.
33. North Carolina
Everyone loves the "American Idol" judges. Everyone who isn't auditioning that is. For those of you "Idol" hopefuls out there who think you can sing, it doesn't matter if you or your family think you're great! If Simon, Randy, Paula, and Kara think you are tone deaf, then you are. Period. There's no disputing that. So, if you're heading to an audition in North Carolina, make sure you give it your all because it's against the law to sing off key and security is listening.
34. North Dakota
Next time you're in North Dakota and are looking for a nice tavern or restaurant to sit down and enjoy an ice cold beer and some grub, you should probably know that while you'll never see pretzels on restaurant menu and you'll never see pretzels in bowls on the bar because beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. So much for a happy happy hour.
Babies are just like children and adults. They need to be fed if they get hungry in public. Some mothers bottle feed their babies and some breastfeed. All across the nation, mothers of all types have no qualms breastfeeding in public. But in Ohio, breast-feeding is not allowed in public so you will have pump before you go out or keep your milk jugs in your bra until you get home.
Thanks to our wonderful federal government, it is now mandatory for every single sex offender to be registered and have their name, picture, and address broadcast all over the news and the internet. In Oklahoma, the same stands for anyone who is seeking to pay for sex from a "Lady of the Night"...any people arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television. So, if you're that desperate and don't want your fifteen minutes of fame to be wasted on a mug shot like Nick Nolte, I suggest you just stay home and do it yourself.
On the West Coast, everyone is searching for something. Early settlers were searching for gold; young men and women are searching for stardom. But there are some people in the Pacific Northwest who are searching for somewhere to put their containers filled with human fecal matter. If you are that person and you happen to live in Oregon, please remember that it is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway. Find some place else for your shit box.
If you're thinking about going to college at Penn State or other colleges in this great state, make sure you select your roommates wisely and have a variety of men and women. If you're picking college housing and choose not to stay in the dorms, make sure you get a small house that can only fit about four people. The reason I advise this is because it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. So, if you aren't looking to be the next Heidi Fleiss, I suggest you heed my warning.
39. Rhode Island
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic, is null and void. Like New Mexico, what else is there to say? At least there's a couple states in the union that recognize that idiots and crazies should be denied their civil rights.
40. South Carolina
Domestic violence is typically considered a brutal crime and many states now have the mandatory arrest laws. If you're considering beating on your spouse, you need to keep your cool until Sunday because it is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the courthouse steps on Sundays. So, Monday through Saturday, keep your hands to yourselves and wait until Sunday to let that argument turn into a full on beating at the courthouse.
41. South Dakota
Everyone who owns property should have a "No Trespassing" or "Trespassers Will Be Shot on Sight" sign. It will deter most criminals from entering your property. If you live in South Dakota though, if there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property, you may shoot them. This law probably stems from the good ole "Oregon Trail" days but if it's still valid, you may want to rethink your property signage—"Gaggles of Indians Will be Shot on Sight".
We've all done it. Or seen it. We've all swerved to miss running over that squirrel or raccoon or skunk but sometimes, it is nature's way of controlling the rampant woodland creature population. Deer have broken many a windshield; raccoon have dented many a bumper. In Tennessee though, this is good news and may even be the answer to our nation's hunger problem. Here, it is legal to gather and consume roadkill. So next time you're driving in Tennessee and you see an animal in your lane, don't be afraid to hit it and take the meat because somewhere, there's a starving child and you don't want that on your conscious.
The Lone Star state, mostly known for the Bush family, the NRA, and the Texas Rangers. But what most people don't know is that Texas is not a state that looks highly upon sexual deviation. For those of you women, and even men I suppose, who like to experiment sexually, you must heed my advice next time you stop at a sex shop, or order sex toys online. In Texas, it is illegal to possess realistic dildos...remember that next time you are contemplating the "Chocolate Thunder" or "Milky Man Meat" dildos because if they are thick, veiny dildos, you must put them back on the shelf and settle for a less realistic dildos...or go to a neighboring state to get your kicks.
Public service workers like police officers and firemen, and EMT's are to be commended for their bravery and selflessness. If someone is in trouble or hurt, these people always rush to our assistance. As an EMT in Utah, there can be a lot of down time. Many EMT's engage in sexual relations in the back of ambulances during said down time; however, they need to be careful because if they suddenly get a call, they better jump into action because no one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. Next time you call 911 in Utah, just remember, you may have interrupted a hot and heavy love session atop the gurney and you better pray they remember to change the sheets.
Centuries ago, and even still today, people have and are still coming to the United States to escape religious persecution. In America, everyone has the right to believe in one God, many Gods, or no God at all. Not true for Vermont though. In Vermont, it is illegal to deny the existence of God. So, if you want religious freedom, you better not live in Vermont because you will have no choice but to believe in God.
Children have many favorite holidays—Easter when a bunny fills up baskets with candy; Christmas when Santa packs a buttload of presents under the tree. Perhaps the most popular holiday for children, and even some adults, is Halloween. Every year across the nation, children and adults dress up costumes and go beg strangers for candy and go to costume parties. This is a tradition that has been going on forever and shows no signs of stopping...yet. In Virginia, children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. If Halloween is your child's favorite holiday, I suggest moving out of state or vacationing in another state on October 31 so your child still has the opportunity to dress up in a costume and walk around the town, asking people for candy, although we teach our children never to talk to strangers and/or accept candy from them.
We all like to believe there are more good people than bad people in this country, or even the world. Sometimes that's not the case though. There's a city law in Washington that was set up to help deter criminals from entering any jurisdiction and committing a crime. This law states, " It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town". So next time you are heading to Washington to vacation or to commit crimes, make sure you alert the local authorities beforehand so they can arrest you with intent to commit a crime, not for actually committing the crime.
48. West Virginia
Not everybody is lucky in love. There are many single, desperately seeking Susans/Sams out there who just cannot find love anywhere. Good news for all you single, horny, desperate male West Virginians—instead of dating like normal people, it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40-lbs. Sorry ladies...you don't have the same privilege so it looks like another lonely night for you. But guys, you've got it made.
As I stated before, public service workers are saviors to many communities. Police officers lock up criminals, EMT's save lives, and firemen put out fires and rescue cats from trees. Although police officers and EMT's work long hours, firemen are really the ones who have the longest shifts. Most of them work 24 hours or more on little to no sleep. Luckily, if it's a slow shift, they are allowed to catch a nap in between calls. In Wisconsin though, is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Next time there's a fire, you better hope you don't wake a fireman to come extinguish your flames or you'll lose more than your home; you'll lose your freedom as well.
Next time you ladies hit the clubs in Cheyenne, or hit up a townie bar in Casper, just remember the state of Wyoming is very strict about where you can and cannot consume alcohol. Ladies, it is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. So, when you're out for a night on the town, make sure to order your drinks, then leave the premises and consume your drinks, or back up at least five feet from the actual bar so as you don't get arrested.
Hopefully these strange, but true insights to our crazy laws in the United States will help you determine the next place you live, visit, or vacation. Remember, no matter what you do, there's probably a law against it.