17 September 2009

Finding Miss Daisy

Dear Jessica Simpson,

I'm really sorry to hear about your dog. I have a tender heart when it comes to animals, and I certainly don't like to hear that any animal is hurt, or taken, or killed. I sympathize with you in the greatest extent. Although there are some pictures of your dog where she looks less than excited to be on stage singing with you, or in your face with your lips all over her, or sitting snug in one of your overpriced purses, I really am sad that she is gone.

With that said, I still have a couple questions for you. Since you reported that you stood by and watched the coyote take your dog, I want to know exactly where you were! Were you on a rugged backpacking trip in Topanga Canyon? Daisy does not seem like an outdoors type of dog, especially not one you would find wandering around in the wilderness. You don't seem like that type of dog either, so therein lies my confusion. Were you having a backyard BBQ, and failed to keep an eye on your dog? Do you not have a fence around your property? WTF???

I know you are doing your best to try and find your dog, and are offering rewards and tweeting all about it. I love your optimism, but as the world knows, sometimes you can be extremely dense. Let me remind you that coyotes are not human/pet friendly animals. They travel in packs, and sometimes in pairs, meaning if you think one coyote snatched your precious dog, you're wrong; maybe it was one coyote who did the deed, but that doesn't mean there weren't others standing by, waiting to bring home dinner for the whole pack, although a dinner like Daisy to a pack of coyotes is like a chicken wing to share to a pack of Frat boys.

You're not the smartest person in the world, and you've proven that to us by your confusion about tuna and buffalo chicken wings. But even YOU have to know that when a wild coyote attacks an animal, the coyote has nothing on his mind but food. The coyote wasn't just playing around, or practicing his hunting skills. Coyotes are carnivores and prey on small animals like prairie dogs, squirrels, mice, and most likely, malti-poo dogs, which I'm sure it's easy for a coyote to confuse a prairie dog for your Daisy.

I, as well as millions of Americans, applaud your efforts and your inspiring optimism and are very sad for your loss, but I think it's time to start planning a funeral for Miss Daisy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I just don't want you to get upset when you find this in your backyard.




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