07 October 2011

KCommander In KChief

Lately it seems as though there are more people announcing they are not running for president than people who are.  In keeping with this trend, I too have an announcement to make.

I, KC Kelly, will not be running for US president in 2012.

There, there.  Wipe your tears. It's a sad day for me too.

For those of you who were anxiously waiting for Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, and KC Kelly to square off and fight to be the next leaders of the free world--you will have to wait just a while longer.  That would have been a good fight though.  I would have seduced Christie by wearing some Italian meat, Lady GaGa style, and would have enticed Palin with a moose mating call and a lifetime supply of shotgun ammo.  Then I would have forced them to make a decision; Italian meat and unlimited ammo, or a presidential candidacy? Let's face it; we all know what they would have chosen. But I digress.

Like Christie who is probably auditioning for a role on The Jersey Shore and Palin who is probably busy building igloos and hunting for moose, I too have good reasons for my decision.  One of them being I am not a current or former governor, which seems to be a prerequisite for most presidential resumes . And I am also not yet 37 years of age. Thankfully.

There also might be a question of the legitimacy behind my birth certificate.  I'm not sure either of my parents were willing to sign it when I was born, knowing what they had just created.  I don't blame them; I don't take responsibility for myself either.

I also often humiliate myself in public.  I've been known to strip off my clothing for no apparent reason (hey, Janet Jackson became more popular after her clothing mishap).  I often drink too much and always say something I regret in the morning.  Swear words fly out my mouth at the speed of sound and I'm about as attractive on camera as Courtney Love, who coincidentally also embarrasses herself in public and can swear up a storm.   

If all that's not reason enough, I'm also not big on politics. Just the word "politician" can evoke a yawn from my mouth. I got kicked out of more poli sci classes for sleeping than I got kicked out of sex ed classes for laughing. I'd rather take a bubble bath with my brother than learn about our government. I just don't have the political bone in my body, so to speak.

Although I think most Americans are ready for a woman president (and no, Sarah Palin doesn't count; she's a gun slinging Republican, which basically qualifies her as a man), America is not ready for me.  Our current president has done more for gay rights in this country than any other leader of the free world, but I'm not sure the free world is ready for a lesbian leader like me.

To be president, you need to be a leader and to be a leader you need to influence people.  I can barely influence certain family members of mine to read my blog, let alone convince strangers to vote for me.  I only have 116 followers on Twitter (so far; getting a cult following takes time and patience; people don't just drink the Kool-Aid without peer pressure) and I can't seem to charm and convince an agent to publish my book.  A president needs influence!

Earlier this week I read that Obama's Klout score is 88, which is pretty impressive considering Lady GaGa has a score of 90.  Then I got curious to see what my Klout score was and two days ago, my score was 25.  Today, it has doubled to 54.  I'm only 34 points less influential than Prez Obama!!  17 points less influential than that crazy bitch Michelle Bachmann.  And I'm 25 points behind that Sarah Palin dude.

I actually have more in common with Prez Obama than I thought.  We are both good with words, drink beer, and have amazing first ladies.  I think more people are attracted to his wife than to his platform and politics.  Michelle Obama (Shellie O as I like to call her) is our modern day Jackie O.  Shellie O is one bad ass fashionista/childhood obesity crusader. And I have a hunch that she could swing over to our side in the right situation, if you know what I mean.

If I were to get elected, I think people would feel the same about Emily.  For many reasons, but the most important is that she's a far better person than I am.  She helps teach parenting education, helps foster kids, and walks puppies!!   Like Shellie O, Emily has a killer smile and her laugh is as contagious as the swine flu.  Even the Westboro Baptist Church whose members hate "fags" would find it difficult to not like Emily.  It's like hating a puppy, ice cream, or flowers. It's impossible. The only things I contribute to society are paying taxes and...well, I think that's it. 

This country does need change.  We need a new leader.  Someone who's not a homophobe (Michelle Bachmann), a massive douchebag (Newt Gingrich), or a Texan (Ron Paul).  Voting for the token black guy didn't work out so well so it's obviously time we get a woman up in that joint! Even though Shellie O and Emily are badass first ladies who run the "house", I can't see them running the white house.  Nor can I see me successfully running anything more than my shitty Saturn, and even my driving skills are debatable.

At this juncture in my life, I think I need to stay out of politics and I hope politicians continue to stay out of me.


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