06 May 2010

Sh*t I Don't Get Vol. 1

I've decided to add a new series to my blog.  It's titled "Sh*t I Don't Get", which encompasses things I truly don't understand...not because I don't know the facts or that I'm illiterate or anything like that.  I'm not stupid; in fact, I'm a very smart gal. I'm not prejudiced or racist (well, everyone is to an extent, but as a general rule, I'm not). I have an open mind and broad horizons (and shoulders) but these are things that literally flabbergast me and I am left speechless, which doesn't happen very often.  I try to analyze them and make sense of this shit I don't get, but I just cannot wrap my mind around some things.  As my readers, please feel free to chime in with your opinions, knowledge, or back talk. Whatever you prefer.

Shit I Don't Get Vol. 1

Celestial Marriage: What the hell? Obviously, anything having to do with Mormons or the Church of Latter-Day Saints is beyond my comprehension.  I am convinced Mormons are aliens sent to Earth to destroy activities I take seriously--drinking, promiscuity, smoking, etc.  The idea that a man "needs" more than one wife for the celestial kingdom is not only obnoxious, but it's downright annoying.  That's not what it's about; it allows a man to have extra-marital affairs in a manner in which they are justified.  All I know is that I can't wait for these polygamist men to find out there is no such thing as a "celestial kingdom" and their marriage isn't "heavenly". I just wish I could be there to say "I told you so".

Why Black Guys Love Fat White Girls: I don't have a problem with interracial relationships or relationships that are out of the norm. I'm a lesbian for crying out loud...who am I to judge? But this has always confused me.  What is it about obese white women that black men are attracted to? Is it that they're good eaters, and there's always a guarantee of fried chicken at the dinner table? Or is it like catching a rare species? The black man snags the fat white chick (said in a National Geographic Host's voice).  Or is it the other way around? Do fat white women go for black men because they feel no white man could love them? I don't know. I literally cannot find an answer to this.  Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I doubt it. And why is it extremely rare to find both an attractive black man and an attractive white woman couple? That species is endangered as far as I'm concerned.

Speedos: Unless you're an athlete, more specifically, an Olympic swimmer, there's no need for any man to wear a Speedo**.  I'm not talking about the Speedo brand; I'm talking about a "Speedo"!  I live in Florida and when the Snow Birds (Canadians) are here for the winter, I see my fair share of pale white, hairy, fat men wearing Speedos.  They have no modesty. They let it all hang out.  I've seen some fruit baskets in my life, but nothing compares to these dandies.  These men come to the beach and bend over to put their towel down and share with me their family jewels.  Not some I want to see, but thanks for sharing.  Unless you're going to do a triathalon (the swimming part) in the Atlantic Ocean, there's no reason to wear a Speedo.  Even wearing one for sun tanning is unacceptable.  Wear beach shorts and when you want to tan, hike the shorts up your legs like normal guys do.  That way, we aren't forced to see the outline of your package. 

Recently, we were at Hollywood Beach and a man came with his daughter and when he got there, he put his stuff down right in front of us.  He then proceeded to strip down to nothing but a Speedo and a sweater (his chest hair).  We all noticed his Speedo was on inside out and apparently, he noticed as well.  Moments later, he went into the water, far enough out so he could take off his Speedo and turn it right side out.  Then he came back to shore and laid down right in front of us, showing us his not so private parts. 

Please, for the sake of humanity, either go to a nude beach and let it all hang out, or put on shorts with an appropriate length.  Your wife may not mind (although I'm sure she's so embarrassed she won't even be seen with you at the same beach) but the rest of us do.  Even Michael Phelps can barely pull of a Speedo.

**Unless you look like this guy in the yellow Speedo, Speedos should be illegal for you. And even then it's not that appealing...a hunk in a Speedo leaves nothing to the imagination. 

How To Agree With Someone Who Thinks Their Baby Is Cute When In Fact It Is Not: This is the worst position to be put in.  Your friend/family member just had a baby.  You're excited because you think all babies are cute...they're harmless innocent babies, how can they not be cute, right? F**king wrong my friend.  I have met many babies that I find downright fugly...it's not their fault. But I get tongue tied and I start to sweat when I encounter a fugly baby and have to pretend that it's the cutest thing since the Olsen Twins on Full House.  To Parents of Ugly Children: Although this is your child and you think the kid is the cutest thing on Earth, there has to be a small part of you that knows the child is NOT cute.  So, please don't put your friends and family members in a position to agree with you when you hem and haw over the alien looking baby. It makes us feel uncomfortable when you force us to lie.  Luckily, most ugly babies grow out of their fugliness.  For the ones who don't, sorry. Life isn't fair.


CelticLady said...

shit I don't get is why does a 'heavy' girl see the need to wear the tightest clothing and then top it off with stilletos? I have seen some women right here in Rhinelander wearing tight minis, even tighter tanks with all their glory hanging out. Then they top it off with the mile high shoes all the while snapping their gum. I am not racist either but these girls are either black, of spanish descent or american indian...yuck.

KC Kelly said...

Well, plenty of white women wear the same thing. Fat white women are notorious for cameltoe.

KC Kelly said...

P.S. Chances are, I know exactly who you're talking about in Rhinelander. I probably graduated with most of them. LOL

okchris said...

I really think the whole black guy, fat whit chic thing has roots.
White people were seen as a class above black people back in the day. Marry a white woman and be "set". I do think that fat white chics want a decent lookin man and think that it is easier to get a black guy.
As far as speedos go, I still have nightmares of a not so thin and or attractive person wearing one in my high school gym class.

Tara said...

Love the new series! Definitely keep it going.

jes.winter said...

Ho-K, first I have to be an ass and comment on the obvious contradiction in your writing: "I'm not prejudiced or racist" followed by, "Is it that they're good eaters, and there's always a guarantee of fried chicken at the dinner table?" Hahahahaha! Love it :) Next, I'm glad your mentioned our unfortunate sighting at the beach a few weeks ago and dragged that man through the mud as he deserves it. And lastly, does the fugly baby section also refer to other individuals?

KC Kelly said...

Jes, I feel like I had to write a disclaimer before I ripped into people. LOL. It's a natural contradiction. I love it.

And yes, that hairy man from the beach deserved what I have to say about him. Not only did he offend me with his banana hammock, but he offended me with his hairy inner thighs and the way he screamed at his daughter to sit on the beach while he went in the water to fix his Speedo. What...a douchebag.

Fugly baby section could refer to other people I suppose? What were you thinking...like when people say "isn't my boyfriend handsome?" and you literally do NOT have anything nice to say? yea, i've been there.

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