Twats and Tiaras

I need to ask a serious question that only a small percentage of America's population is asking...

WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN???????????

I just don't understand it. Why do people care so much about these idiots? Why are there so many shows that feature this family? And why is this family famous?  The Kardashian family's fame is more more mysterious than whether or not there's actual life on Mars.

For those of you who don't know (so, anyone who lives under a rock and has no contact with any human being, a telephone, or a TV) the latest celeb scandal is Twatdashian # 1 and a b-ball player are getting divorced after 72 days of marriage.

Um, so what? Right?  That's what I thought at first too.

After reading a few headlines in the grocery store, and while reading the headlines on the screen while I watched Georgia Rule on E! the other night, I felt like I had morning sickness, food poisoning, syphilis, and the flu; that's how nauseous I was. Sickened at the fact that Americans are acting as if they are being torn apart by this divorce; acting as if it is ruining their personal lives.  I mean, it's not as awful as childhood obesity, rising airplane tickets, the state of our economy, and our relationship with Mexico at the border. THESE are things to be upset about!

Or so I told myself.

The news of KK and her husband divorcing is the most annoying thing that's been on the news since Sarah Palin was the VP candidate, OJ was acquitted, and the Balloon Boy conspiracy.  People are reacting to this news in the same way they reacted when Pope John Paul II died in Italy and MJ died in LA.  People are sobbing in the streets, tweeting words of condolences, and acting as crazy as the zombies in Zombieland. WTF?

Then I realized the news of this divorce didn't go in one ear and out the other like other celeb gossip.  This divorce had actually pissed me off!!!

This entire multi million dollar celebrity marriage is a sham and the news of their divorce has gotten more airtime than the Olympics.  I am pissed because everyone thinks it's us queers who will ruin the sanctity of marriage, but they're wrong. It's celebrities and straight couples who ruin the sanctity of marriage. Britney's 55 hour marriage. Liz Taylor's 108 marriages and 107 divorces. The cheating couple LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian. I mean, what's next? Are celebs and straights going to wreck the sanctity of funerals and taking craps too?

This divorce means that yet another famous couple is abusing the privilege of marriage while people like Emily and I cannot even TRY marriage for one day in our state. One day! Kim and Kris got 72 days, so why can't I get just one? I'll tell you why.  Because they're twats who do whatever they want while Emily and I are real, hardworking, honest people who cannot get married simply because we're both women.  Real neat America. Real fucking neat.

Because I'm giving myself the authority to do so, I'm going to crown Kim Kardashian as 2011's Queen Twatwaffle. It's like the female version of King Douche, which has been reserved for Kris Humphries. If Kim were sitting next to me and I had a bedazzled tiara, I would totally cram it up her bleached anus.  Which is probably not the first or last thing that's ever been crammed in her cramhole.  My guess is there has probably been a microphone, a foot (or a fist), and one of Bruce Jenner's gold medals up in that Armenian Anus once or twice.

Side note, but still related: This is the Queen Twatwaffle runner up contestant.  Not only did she make a collage of magazine pictures of America's Sweetfarts, but she is obviously brain dead. You NEVER use scotch tape on a collage; always RUBBER CEMENT.

Clubbed Thumbs Up

I always knew there was a reason Megan Fox creeped me out. 

At first she just annoyed me with her lack of acting skills, comparable to Britney Spears in the movie "Crossroads".  But then I thought it might be because she was engaged to Brian Austin Green, who was on "Beverly Hills: 90210" while Megan was dropping logs in her diaper.  But what if her DSL's (dick sucking lips) are really what I find creepy??

Then after her Superbowl ad for Motorola premiered, and after reading gossip from Perez Hilton, I finally figured out what it was.  Apparently, she was okay being naked in a tub as a sex object, but she had to find a hand model because she has a deformity.

It's called Brachydactyly, which means "short digits" and it's basically a term for "clubbed thumb", which refers to disproportionately short fingers and toes.

Rumor has it her thumbs match her toes too...wonder if her center of gravity is off a bit with her short nugget digits?

I thought I had short nugget digits, but at least mine are proportionate.

Obviously, when everyone looks at Megan Fox, they're not looking at her "clubbed thumb"...EXCEPT ME!!!!!!!!!! 

An article on NYDailyNews.com references an interview from Esquire magazine where Fox says, "I know I'm seen as a sex object...I'm just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It's just there. It's something I don't have to turn on."


I knew there was a reason why this annoying, immature, horrible actress/sex symbol was annoying. I couldn't quite put my "finger" on it until now though. I hate that she blabs about being a sexy symbol, but if she's so confident, why did she need a hand model for the commercial?

Dear Megan,

You should brace your imperfections and be proud of who you are.  I say you're a creepy hypocrite.  

Thumbs up!

Cyrusly Cyrus Family?

Back in the 90's, when Billy Ray Cyrus erupted onto the country music scene with his charming smile and amazing mullet, he made everyone's heart ache and break.  Except for mine.  I was onto this choad at the ripe age of 11.  He wasn't fooling me. The mullet can only get you so far in life before people stop taking you Cyrusly.

Thankfully for country music, Billy Ray was swept off scene almost as quickly as he had shown up, even though he did win a Grammy and has multi platinum records. So what? So does Weird Al, but I have had periods that lasted longer than Billy's tenure as a country music star.

It seems the Cyrus family has gone from an achy breaky worn out music career, failed marriages, random children, to Disney. Enter Destiny Hope, the sickening teenager we all know as Miley.  Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is possibly the most ANNOYING person on this planet, in close competition with Kate Gosselin, Twilight fanatics, and a select couple relatives of mine.

Noah Cyrus, Miley's younger sister, has apparently taken lessons from her older sister and has turned into a First Class 9 year old hooker.  Apparently, she was recently captured in a family video where, according to Gawker.com, she "'smacks her buttocks, thrusts her hips, and shimmies her shoulders," while singing to Akon's "Smack That". The worst part is no one intervened; no one stopped her.  At the end of her performance, everyone clapped and cheered.  Guess the Cyrus family's moral compass is broken along with Jon Gosselin's. 

I'm not sure why people were cheering though. I watched the video.  It was disturbing, annoying, and I wanted to shank someone. The child is hideously homely and the only thing I want to see her smacking is her head against a curb, knocking those snaggleteeth right out of head.  If this had happened in the early 90's at least Billy's thick mullet would scared Noah into submission. 

According to Popeater.com, "this is the second time in recent months that Noah has landed herself in some controversy. Most recently, her Halloween costume drew red flags thanks to her thigh-high boots and mini-skirt with heavy facial make-up."  Fugly. I'm sorry, I know she's just a child, but no one hesitated to tell me when I was fugly, so I have no sympathy. She's FUGLY.

The Cyrus family is annoying, odd, and should be eliminated from this planet. I am sick of seeing your flavor savor on your chin (you're not a 21-year old college kid), and your hair is so perfect it's almost a work of art that belongs in a museum.

More importantly, I don't think it's appropriate to exploit your daughter because you can't write music anymore, to allow your youngest daughter to dress like Lady Gaga and dance like a porn star, NOR do I think it's appropriate for you two to have a slightly incestuous photo shoot with your midriff hanging out, your elbow in your Dad's crotch, all the while your father looks on with a pensive desire.

Billy, you took control of your mullet 18 years ago; it's time to take control of your family.  Let your daughters be children, not Hollywood sluts.  And has anyone EVER seen your son or your stepchildren? I can only imagine the drama they'll bring forth in the next 5 years, that is, if anyone still cares about the Cyrus family.  Once Miley turns 18, Playboy will OWN her; unfortunately for Noah, unless she replaces all of her teeth and gets a face transplant, the only magazine that will want her is the JC Penney winter catalog so she can model gloves.

Her Uterus Will Go On

Let me first preface this by saying I am not, by any means, a Céline Dion fan by any sense of the word.  Not my type of music, not a big fan of her as a musician, and I am most certainly creeped out by her husband, René Angélil. And this news just makes it worse.

The creepy Canadian couple are trying to get pregnant. Again. 

Perhaps what bothers me the most is the fact that this couple isn't focusing on Céline's musical career, or her many Vegas shows like they should be...I mean, she hasn't had a hit since the Titanic sunk, so...  No. They are focusing instead on having another baby!  There's a catch though...Céline cannot get pregnant without the help of science, which isn't that surprising, considering her husband was born a year after Pearl Harbor was attacked.  Any man in his late 60's should need the help of science not only to achieve an erection, but also to make baby batter!

René is 67 years old, and Céline is 41.  Together, their combined age is 108 years.  My problem isn't the fact these two are trying to have a child, my concern is for the unborn child being born to two parents who are eligible for AARP and Medicaid. It's bad enough they already parented a child in 2001, a boy who is now 8 years old, with parents who are 67 and 41. Neat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, age is just a number...try telling that to a 15 year old boy whose father just died from a heart attack, and a mother who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer! Sure, these can happen to any family at any time, but the chances are higher, the older you get.

Let me say that my own father is 67 years old, the same age as René, and I cannot imagine having an 8-year old sibling, or accepting the fact that my parents are trying to have more children at their ages!!! Boy do I feel sorry for their young boy, not just because he has a senior citizen for a father, or the fact that René was nearly 30 before Céline was born, but because his parents are Céline and René!

If they do end up getting pregnant vis a vis test tubes and sperm squirts and whatever else is involved in VF, when the child is 5 years old, he'll have to be changing his father's diapers!!!  Talk about role reversal! I just don't think it's fair to bring children into this world (celebrity or not) after a certain age.  Your babymaking years are behind you, so far in fact, they are a mere speck in the distance.

Try adoption.  Or fostering a child.  Both are less expensive (not like you have to worry), intrusive, and a more fair way of bringing a child into this world.

Maybe Céline wants to have as many children as she can because she herself is the youngest of fourteen children.  Stop being selfish and think about your future children.  Do you want them to play with trucks and Legos, or administer blood pressure meds and morphine to their parents before they're teenagers?

Céline, I promise you, both your heart and uterus will go on without polluting the planet with more scientifically made test tube babies. And the world will thank you.

Curiousity Got The Katt Arrested

Clearly, celebs are capable of just about anything...and what's worse, they get away with it!!!

Chris Brown can abuse his girlfriend, and still sell records.  OJ can get away with murder, although he was caught stealing.  MJ can have kids sleep in his bed while he gives them milk and cookies and calls the experience, "charming"; meanwhile, MJ still has the best selling album of all time.  And Lindsay Lohan can get arrested for a DUI and only spend 84 minutes in jail.  Most of these celebs have the WORST mug shots...that is, except for Katt Williams.

The most recent celeb arrest is Katt Williams, a hilarious and renowned comedian, who was arrested for burglary in Atlanta, GA.  Why the F would Katt Williams need to burglarize someone? What could a house possibly have inside it that Katt Williams either doesn't have, or doesn't wear himself?  I mean, the guy is always decked out in expensive clothes, jewelry, and shoes...

Apparently, Katt was a guest at the house he is accused of burglarizing. According to CNN.com, "The house, on a horse farm in rural west Georgia, is owned by record producer Barry Hankerson...Williams has been living in the Coweta County, Georgia, home for nearly a month while filming a movie produced by Hankerson".  Williams was arrested after one of Hankerson's employees called the police and reported that Williams had broken into the house with a crowbar.

According to the police report, "about $3,500 in jewelry and collectable coins were stolen."  Again, why would Katt Williams steal jewelry and coins that total mere pocket change for him? Does this look like someone who needs to steal jewelry and coins? No...the sock he wears on his left foot is more expensive than my humble Saturn Vue.

The whole situation is ridiculous and I think the grounds for arrest are stupid, especially because he had permission to stay in that house indefinitely during filming!  Whether it's true or not, the sad thing is, because Katt's a celebrity automatically means either all charges will be dropped, or he might spend 43 minutes in jail. 

Either way, Katt is one of the celebs who I will continue to cheer on...I like Chris Brown, although he pulverized Rihanna's face; I still love the movies "Mean Girls" and "Georgia Rule" although LiLo is a d-bag; and MJ's death saddened me on a deep level...so Katt, you still rock and you are possibly the ONLY celeb I have ever seen beam so widely in your mugshot...


One more thing...Flava Flav called and wants his outfit back...and he's missing his clock and whores too...

Jon Without Kate and 8?

TLC has officially dropped Jon Gosselin from "Jon and Kate Plus 8". I don't get it. Why wouldn't they drop Kate, the retched bitch that she is? I mean, Jon's no prize, but seriously? I thought the show was supposed to show American core family values, not showcase the rise and fall and ultimate demise of a marriage that not only affects the spouses but will haunt the children forever.

Now, TLC has come up with a "new" show, "Kate Plus 8" that debuts in November.  Um, still don't get it. According to CNN.com, this new show will take "a deeper focus on Kate's role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life."

TLC, here's some advice. Just cancel the whole show! The only reason people watch it anymore is for the scandal! No one cares about Kate as a single mom; it was more fun to watch Jon squirm and Kate be a bitch to him.  Now, it's just going too far. It's time to think about the children involved and get them off national television because one day, you will all pay.

Fred Durst-ivorce

It was reported that Fred Durst's 3-month marriage to a woman named Esther is over...apparently he tweeted all about it, saying "For those of you inquiring I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support."

Duh Fred. A marriage with you is probably similar to the marriage between Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson.  You didn't honestly think any woman in her right mind would love you 'til death did you part, did you? Oh my God! That's so sweet! You actually did...well, like you told us so many times, "it's all about the he said/she said bullshit", so I'm sure there's a good reason for your divorce.

P.S. I hear one of the KarDOUCHEian sluts is single.

Models in Flight

Not only can Gisele Bündchen work the runway, but now she is learning to fly.  People.com is reporting Gisele is "learning the nuts and bolts of aviation" so she can work as a new goodwill ambassador for the UN’s Environmental Programme, on finding an alternative source of jet fuel.

Is anyone else scratching their heads asking, "WTF?" Good...so, I'm not alone out there.  I think it's great that anyone wants to find alternative sources of fuel, but I'm just wondering why a supermodel, a homewrecking one at that, has a concern for a greener earth?  You didn't seem to care about the family you and Tom destroyed, yet you care about jet fuel? Pretty sure Tom was married, with a baby on the way, and now he is in the same exact situation with you?

I'd be careful if I were you Gisele...seems that's a pattern of his so be on the lookout for wife #3, which I'm sure you'll be able to see from your helicopter.

Is Jon The New Brad Pitt?

Long before America knew Jon Gosselin, there was a man named Brad Pitt, who seemed to have been linked to  almost every hot actress in Hollywood.  He was once engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow for three years, then he married Jennifer Aniston, then he cheated on her with Angelina Jolie, and now they're happily married. Woah Brad. Slow the F down! One Hollywood hottie at a time!

It seems these days that Jon Gosselin has been taking a few lessons from Brad.  First he marries Kate, an annoying woman with a bad haircut and they have 8 babies, not on their own of course. They enlisted help from the Sci-Fi Channel and Discovery Channel to create their babies...and then they got TV shows.

But like Brad, Jon would soon be caught in the act.  He was caught with a woman named Hailey and he denied it, just like Brad. Seriously guys, women know when you've been cheating. Just because you're a "celebrity", doesn't mean your not human. We know.

At least Brad is attractive and has the hottest wife Hollywood has to offer.  Unfortunately Jon, you've come up short in the looks department.  What is it about you that has made Hailey Glassman, Stephanie Santoro, and now Kate Major fall in love with you? It's almost like everywhere you go, girls are dropping for you left and right. At your kids' school, at home as a nanny, and now the Star reporter who probably reported on your multiple affairs falls for you?

Is the short, fat, balding guy we all know as Jon Gosselin, the new Brad Pitt? G.R.O.S.S.

MORE Sex?

Thanks to Candace Bushnell, we were all privileged not only to read her Sex and the City books, but also grateful she allowed HBO to make a 6-year show out of them.  The shows were great, and I looked forward to sitting down every Sunday night and tuning in to 28 minutes of hilarious sex, alcohol, and cock laden stories.

I was sad when it was announced the 6th season would be the final season.  I always knew Carrie would end up with Big...that Miranda and Steve would get married...that Charlotte would find her prince charming...and that Samantha Jones would finally settle down (sort of). Thank you to everyone for ending the show so well!

A few years later when I heard there would be a Sex and the City movie coming out, I was both excited yet apprehensive.  What more could the movie explain that the 6th season finale didn't already wrap up?

Would Miranda and Steve still be happily married? Would Big and Carrie still be together? Would Sam and Smith still be having more sex than anyone on this planet? And would Charlotte still be a Jew?  Why, yes, as a matter of fact.

I watched the movie when it came out, and the best part about it was when Charlotte sharts while in Mexico, which was hilarious but unsurprising the way she was running around being petrified of getting germs. Everything else, any true Sex and the City fan could have seen coming.  It's no surprise Steve has an affair; Miranda is pretty much a lesbian.  No wonder Big and Carrie have commitment issues; it's their "thing".  And if Samantha doesn't have her daily dose of sausage, she starts to question her relationship.

All the movie achieved that the show didn't was getting more in depth into the relationships of the four women, which we all assumed anyway by watching the 6th season finale!  But, thanks anyway for that final dose of Sex and the City.

Apparently, there's yet ANOTHER Sex and the City movie on the horizon. Seriously people? As big of a fan I am, why did you end the show to begin with if you're just going to keep making movies about it?  The show was better than the movie, and you could've kept millions of fans much happier. Last time I checked, none of the stars had any breakthrough moments in acting after the show was ended.  Sure, a few minor appearances here and there, but it wasn't like they ended the show because all the actors had bigger and better roles to play. So why end the show? Why keep making movies? Too little, too late?

Well, at least we'll know what will happen in the second Sex and the City movie: Miranda and Steve will continue having a sexless relationship, since she's a lesbian.  Charlotte will still be a Jew, and she and Harry will probably have a household similar to Brangelina with adopted kids everywhere; Carrie and Big will still question their relationship, and Samantha will FINALLY be a member of AARP. Oh, and they'll all drink a Cosmopolitan and laugh about the way things used to be.

The only reason I anticipate seeing the second movie, is to find out exactly why Samantha Jones is wearing a hideous wedding dress...

A Grand Allowance

In the wake of Michael Jackson's death, the future is looking bright for his family, especially his kids--they are receiving an estimated $60,000 combined monthly allowance. Most kids are lucky to get $6 weekly allowance, and they have to wash dishes, do laundry, clean the house, and do yardwork! What do MJ's kids have to do? They have to carry the burden of having names like Prince Michael, Paris, and worst of all, BLANKET! But that's it...hell, I would carry the name of Skidmark if it meant I got thousands of dollars a month for allowance.

I'm all for child support and making sure the kids are taken care of after a parent dies, but $60,000 a month? For real? What the hell are kids who aren't even teenagers yet, going to spend this money on??? Reportedly, each child gets about $13k for entertainment and related expenses. Listen up folks, there are only SO many movies these kids can see, and only SO many iTunes they can download, and only SO many theme parks they can visit! What about their college funds? Just because MJ was their father doesn't mean they don't need an education!

These children confuse me. I still don't understand how MJ can have white children, although Prince Michael eerily resembles Janet Jackson, but the other two? They had to have been adopted...looking at the entire Jackson family, ALL of them look like each other, and there's proof it can be passed along, just by looking at Prince Michael...but there's no rhyme or reason for the other two. I'm convinced they were adopted, and now they have all the riches in the world. Lucky kids. Sorry Maddox, Pax, and Zahara; not even you are this lucky.

What's more disturbing about this is Katherine Jackson's monthly support. Last time I checked, she was MJ's mother, not his child, yet she was financially dependent on him in life, and in death? I totally dig the fact that MJ wanted to take care of his mom, as we all do, but I highly doubt she needs an estimated $85k per month!!!

According to news sources everywhere, in that massive allowance, she gets approximately $4,700 to pay for an assistant. WTF does she need an assistant for? Does she need a butler named Alfred too? You're not Bruce Wayne! Even worse, she gets to spend $3,500 on clothing, but in order to go shopping, she needs to pay her driver $2k!!! Then, she is also allowed to spend $1,500 on entertainment, which I guess she's allowed to spend when she, her assistant, and her driver take the kids to spend their $13k on entertainment!!!

I'm glad that Katherine was awarded custody of the kids, because the estranged mothers would just have been more damaging to them than any member of the Jackson family could be, but Katherine is old as dirt! Pretty sure she was around when T-Rex ruled the jungle!!! Who's going to get custody of these kids when Katherine dies? The assistant? The housekeeper? The driver? Or Joe Jackson? Great...if Joe gets custody, be on the lookout for a modern day Jackson 3, starring Prince Michael, Paris, and Blanket.

The Golden Raspberry

It seems as though there is no true "awards season" in Hollywood, as there are award shows scattered throughout the year, which include the Academy Awards, the Emmy's, MTV Video Music/Movie Awards, CMA Awards, and the list goes on and on and on and on...

I used to watch these shows when I was growing up, mainly because it was the thing to watch on TV. I gave up watching these award shows because the people I want to win NEVER win! It's not like American Idol where you can text in your vote, unless you're voting for People's Choice, or Teen Choice awards...but in order to get your vote in for the other awards, you have to be accredited somehow, or be famous, both of which I'm not. It just gets frustrating, year after year, knowing your favorite movies/actors/videos/albums/songs won't make the cut.

After giving up watching award's ceremonies years ago, I thought all hope was lost. I would never again find an award's show that left me satisfied, where the people I wanted to win actually took home an award. That is, until I discovered The Golden Raspberry.

Thanks to John Wilson back in 1980, he created The Golden Raspberry Awards, often called The Razzies, which he intended to counterpoint the Academy Awards by dishonoring, well, honoring, the worst of the worst, whether it be the Worst Picture, Worst Actress, or even Worst Acting.

John Wilson is a genius for creating such a dazzling awards show. Nominations for these awards are usually announced around the same time the Oscar nominations are announced. Awards are voted upon by the GRAF, known as the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation, which...wait for it...are you ready? IS OPEN TO THE PUBLIC for a yearly membership fee of $25-$250. I can FINALLY have a say in who I think deserves awards!!!

These awards are often hilarious, clever, and almost always well deserved. It seems as though many celebrities have a hard time accepting such amazing awards, some even breaking their awards, which is just disrespectful. These celebrities just don't understand what an honor it is to be nominated for awards anymore. So, the Razzies aren't the Oscar's, but at least someone out there watched your crappy movie and cared enough to nominate you.

Why wouldn't Lindsay Lohan be proud that her movie I Know Who Killed Me has won the most awards, winning 8 out of 9 nominations in 2007? That and it is the only movie to have won the worst actress award twice, where both of Lohan's characters, Aubrey Fleming/Dakota Moss, tied for the award.

Why would Ben Affleck, star of Gigli, not only NOT accept his award at the ceremony, but when it was given to him on Larry King Live? If I were Ben, I'd be proud that my movie was the only movie to win awards in the top five categories (Worst Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, and Screenplay)? That and he was also nominated in 2003 for his movies Daredevil and Paycheck, which my friends, is nothing to turn up your nose at.

What could be better than actors winning these awards? Non-actors winning awards for their performances as well, especially George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleezza Rice who won awards for their brilliant performances in Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 in 2004.

Hollywood is unpredictable; Ben Stiller, who is an amazing comedian is somehow nominated for Worst Actor 2005 in a record breaking five films, but is still a superstar. Or Eddie Murphy, another great comedian, shocked us by winning three Razzies, one for Worst Couple, which is related to him playing multiple characters and one for Worst Screenplay. Murphy is the first person to win a Razzie for BOTH male and female performances in a single film.

The best part about these awards, however, are their connections to other awards, such as the Oscars and the Golden Globes. Many actors and actresses who are nominated for and/or win Razzie awards are also nominated for and win Oscar awards...go figure. Congrats Tom Cruise for winning the Worst Picture Razzie and winning the Best Picture Oscar in 1988.

Here's a shout out to Jack Nicholson for being nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor for your roles in both Hoffa and Man Trouble, and then being nominated for an Oscar as Best Supporting Actor in A Few Good Men in 1992...why didn't you win?

Because you couldn't handle the truth, that's why.

Most importantly, here's a shout out to John Wilson, the creative mastermind behind the Razzies. Thanks for offering the general public a forum, an award's ceremony, where we can speak our minds and vote for the worst of the worst, which is still an honor.

Although I'm not a member of the GRAF (yet), I still wanted to create a Razzie Buzz for the movies of 2009. Listed below are my top 5 predictions for the 3 major categories (I could go on all day, but to summarize):

Worst Picture/Actor/Actress
1. Steve Martin--The Pink Panther 2
2. Megan Fox--Jennifer's Body & Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
3. Brendan Fraser--Inkheart
4. Will Ferrell--Land of the Lost
5. Jack Black and Michael Cera--Year One

Maybe I will look into a GRAF membership and let my voice be heard, once and for all!!!
www.razzies.com

Finding Miss Daisy

Dear Jessica Simpson,

I'm really sorry to hear about your dog. I have a tender heart when it comes to animals, and I certainly don't like to hear that any animal is hurt, or taken, or killed. I sympathize with you in the greatest extent. Although there are some pictures of your dog where she looks less than excited to be on stage singing with you, or in your face with your lips all over her, or sitting snug in one of your overpriced purses, I really am sad that she is gone.

With that said, I still have a couple questions for you. Since you reported that you stood by and watched the coyote take your dog, I want to know exactly where you were! Were you on a rugged backpacking trip in Topanga Canyon? Daisy does not seem like an outdoors type of dog, especially not one you would find wandering around in the wilderness. You don't seem like that type of dog either, so therein lies my confusion. Were you having a backyard BBQ, and failed to keep an eye on your dog? Do you not have a fence around your property? WTF???

I know you are doing your best to try and find your dog, and are offering rewards and tweeting all about it. I love your optimism, but as the world knows, sometimes you can be extremely dense. Let me remind you that coyotes are not human/pet friendly animals. They travel in packs, and sometimes in pairs, meaning if you think one coyote snatched your precious dog, you're wrong; maybe it was one coyote who did the deed, but that doesn't mean there weren't others standing by, waiting to bring home dinner for the whole pack, although a dinner like Daisy to a pack of coyotes is like a chicken wing to share to a pack of Frat boys.

You're not the smartest person in the world, and you've proven that to us by your confusion about tuna and buffalo chicken wings. But even YOU have to know that when a wild coyote attacks an animal, the coyote has nothing on his mind but food. The coyote wasn't just playing around, or practicing his hunting skills. Coyotes are carnivores and prey on small animals like prairie dogs, squirrels, mice, and most likely, malti-poo dogs, which I'm sure it's easy for a coyote to confuse a prairie dog for your Daisy.

I, as well as millions of Americans, applaud your efforts and your inspiring optimism and are very sad for your loss, but I think it's time to start planning a funeral for Miss Daisy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I just don't want you to get upset when you find this in your backyard.

Sympathies,

KC

Jon and Eight MINUS Kate and Her Horrible Haircut

If you live in America, and have access to cable/internet/or people, you are well aware that a normal, American family, known as The Gosselins, are now major celebrities. Why? Good question. At first, it was because Kate pumped out a set of twins and then sextuplets, births that shouldn't have happened but thanks to modern medicine and money, here the world is with more babies. After appearing on NBC, Discovery Health, and finally TLC, the TV world has been graced with their story.

Never once have I had any desire to watch any show about this family, not even after all the hubbub with their impending divorce. As embarrassed as I am to say this, I have caught an episode or two in the last few years. Please remember it was only a few episodes, so I am by no means an expert on this family. But, like everyone else, I have an opinion.

Kate, is it important that you nagged on your husband until you verbally castrated him? Not really. Does it matter that your kids will grow up and hate both of you, for putting them on national TV and then causing more rumors than Lady GaGa being a hermaphrodite? Absolutely. But none of this is nearly as important as this...

Kate, although you're a retched bitch and you're lucky that Jon stayed with you as long as he did, you just have a stupid haircut. This is the real issue here people! Did you have Edward Scissorhands chop up your hair in 84 different locations, spike it with an 8oz bottle of hair gel, then spray it with hairspray, and call it a day? Or did the interns at the Aveda Institute take you seriously when you said you like it longer in the front, and shorter in the back, or the likes of a backwards mullet?

Well, it's taken about a decade but you finally realized it is high time for a haircut. But, upon further inspection, I have to ask; is this really a new haircut, or is it simply a trick of the eye? Have you pulled a Chris Angel and forced us to get distracted by your crimped, overly long bangs, hanging over her eyes, meanwhile the same chopped butch haircut is still displayed on your head?

Nice try Kate, but I'm onto you. I can still see the short spikes in the back. You're not fooling anyone. And btw, your "The Gosselin" haircut will NEVER be as popular as "The Rachel", so don't even try it.

Heartless Hip Hopper

Although I did not watch the MTV VMA Awards 2009, that does not mean I did not hear or watch videos and read countless articles about the obnoxious interruption during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. I agree with everyone else; it was rude and uncalled for, and it was just another tantrum. And like everyone else, I have an opinion about it...

We all felt bad for you, Kanye, when you lost your Mom to a freak surgical mishap, or whatever the hell that was. Seriously though, there are millions of people who lose their parents or other loved ones every single day and somehow cope with it...

Kanye, you should meet up with Candy from A & E's "Intervention" and get help for your anger/alcohol/ego/mother issues because you are now in the same category as Chris Brown...a has been who will only be popular because of your ludicrous behavior, not your talent; and Taylor, you should probably stop crying on your guitar; you just won an MTV award, and thanks to Beyonce, you got to enjoy that moment.

P.S. If you were to put more of that pent up angst and anger into your videos, maybe YOU would have won best video, not just this year, but in years prior. And btw, what was your girlfriend wearing? Was she trying to be like Mystique, but in a skin colored bodysuit? You should have called HER out on that, not stomped all over a teenager's well deserved award...like you once asked, "How could you be so Dr. Evil?"

My thoughts on the year 2008, two months too late...

Obviously this list cannot summarize all of the events of 2008, these are some that pop out at me the most and of course, I have something to say about them all...and no, they're not a top 25 and go in NO particular order...

1. In 2008 we said goodbye to a young Hollywood star, Heath Ledger, who surprised us in 10 Things I Hate About You (amazing soundtrack, btw) and kept impressing us as a gay cowboy, Bob Dylan, and a crazy villain in Batman, a movie he never got to see; George Carlin and Bernie Mac, two comedians who will never be replaced or forgotten; Brad Renfro who amazed us in movies like The Client and Sleepers; and Estelle Getty, the old woman most known for her role on Golden Girls as the sassy Sophia Petrillo.

2. 2. Brangelina gave birth to their own kids and adopted even more third world countries and all the children in those countries!!! Wow...they'll be calling Nanny 911 soon...still, Angelina, thank you for taking the part in Wanted. HOT!

3. James Bond returned thanks to Daniel Craig, the least hottest of all Bond stars and if definitely a "But-his-face"...

4. Indiana Jones made a comeback on the big screen but I personally feel the Lego: Indiana Jones game was far better than all the movies combined and don't forget Lego: Batman either, although I did thoroughly enjoy watching Batman The Dark Knight and am in disbelief, even a year later, that Heath Ledger is no longer here.

5. Michael Phelps, yes, you are a great American/Olympic athlete but you are by no means the greatest Olympic athlete ever—just because you hold the world record in medals won doesn't mean you're the best...what about the fat shot-putter who only has one event but gets one gold medal—he won 100% of his events, just like you did...the best athlete should be judged by performance and percentage of events won, not the amount of gold medals won...and btw, stop drinking and driving and stop chiefing on that bong dude...you have a hot body and eat 22,000 calories a day...why fuck that up man? Seriously though, fix your teeth and then you wouldn't be a "But-his-face" like Daniel Craig.

6. The Japanese perfected synthetic blood so vampires don't necessarily need to hunt humans anymore...grab a six pack of TruBlood at your local gas station or supermarket...WAIT...what? Vampires aren't real? DAMNIT!!!!!!!! Thank you Charlaine Harris for writing your vampire series over the years and creating the character Sookie Stackhouse--your books are WAY better than Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series and HBO loved it Sookie so much they created the series True Blood, one of the best series HBO has ever seen (the best definitely being Six Feet Under).

7. Miley Cyrus, here are 7 things I hate about you—1. You. 2. Your Dad. 3. Your voice. 4. Your nudie Vanity Fair pics. 5. Your song called 7 Things 6. Your show Hannah Montana. 7. You. You are just going to end up like Hanson, The Cosby kids, the Brady Bunch, well, you get the picture...childhood stars stay in childhood so, I can't wait until you're an adult then we can be done with you. And Disney can put all your shit into their impenetrable vault and shut if forever.

8. The most amazing celebrity moment, as far as I'm concerned, is definitely the moment Tina Fey graced the TV again and again with her rendition of Sarah Palin on SNL. Her hilarious and accurate portrayal of the stupidest woman in all of Alaska and the United States, picked to have almost been the next V.P. (eek!!!) was the best celebrity moment of 2008. I also LOVE Tina Fey/Sarah Palin guest spots on SNL like Amy Poehler/Hilary Clinton and Wil Ferrell/George Bush...now, too bad someone didn't think of bringing back Cheri Oteri to play Sarah Palin's dumbass pregnant daughter...Also noteworthy, Tina supported Hilary Clinton's presidential campaign by quoting, "Bitch is the new Black"...I want to make out with Tina Fey just for that. God bless that woman and thank God Sarah Palin is back in Alaska...no one wants you here on the mainland.

9. Speaking of Sarah Palin, let's talk about her turkey "pardon"... By the way Sarah, when you pardoned that turkey, were you completely unaware that there were more turkeys being slaughtered right behind you or are you really just that dumb? You can see Russia from your house but you can't see the turkey slaughter right behind you? Seriously.

10. Amy Winehouse was sent to rehab...yes, they tried to make you go to rehab and you said no, no, no but they said yes, yes, yes.

11. Ellen and her hot Portia de Rossi of a girlfriend FINALLY got married...that gives us lesbians hope that one day, I too will be able to marry my girlfriend.

12. And for you "Mini-Me", no one wants to watch you having sex. You were disgusting in ALL Austin Powers movies and just cause you're the midget everyone casts in their movies and on TV doesn't make you a sex object...unless, of course, you're Chelsea Handler because she loves to fuck midgets...it says so in her two books, which if you haven't read, you need to. Funny ass shit.

13. Mariah Carey--didn't anyone tell you Nick Cannon is barely legal? Hope you have enough Glitter when you end up jail for being a cho-mo...I'm sure the woman prisoners would love to hear all 7 of your octaves...

14. Brett Favre—you're a fuckstick...don't play for the Packers for 17 years, retire, then cry like a baby and have a tantrum that you won't be playing Pop Warner again in the fall and then decide to come back where the Pack doesn't want you so you trade to the Jets...I hope you break your ankle.

15. As if we weren't sick of Lindsay Lohan already and we all secretly hope she was as cute and lovable in her twenties as she was in her teens when she played in The Parent Trap, now Lindsay decides to become a lesbian...awesome. But seriously, I still like her as an actress in Mean Girls and Georgia Rule, and even in my all time SNL episode from 2005 with Usher, and I actually like one of Samantha Ronson's songs, which is heard twice in Mean Girls...it's just a phase for you Lindsay and you'll be back to the sausage in no time.

16. Thomas Beatie-you're not a pregnant man. That's scientifically impossible. So you cut off your tits, kept your va-jay-jay and your uterus and legally changed your sex and your name but if you got the parts, that's what you are, no matter what you cut off...so, you are a pregnant woman who is legally a man, not a pregnant man. And knock it off already.

17. Kenley Collins, the obnoxious ugly girl from Project Runway definitely deserved to lose...no one talks that way to Heidi Klum, the most beautiful woman on this planet (besides Kate Beckinsale of course)..seriously Kenley, your clothes were hideous, as was your attitude...and way to make Tim Gunn's face redder than it normally is...don't piss off a pretentious, elderly gay man who's got a hard on for fashion Kenley...it got you booed off the stage.

18. Pirates of Somalia took over and made the Pirates of the Caribbean look like a bunch of pussies. Oil will beat chunks of change any day...although they're not as good looking as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or Kiera Knightley

19. Acai berries and Pomegranates—when the fuck did you become so goddamn popular? Juices, fruit dips, shampoo, shave gel, cereal, lotion, etc...it never stops...pretty soon they'll make Acai Mayonnaise and Pomegranate potato chips...seriously. I heart Pomegranates (not so crazy about Acai berries) but just because Oprah rants and raves about them doesn't make them any better...healthy? yes, but stop the obsession already.

20. Rock Band 2 vs. Guitar Hero...will one ever prevail over the other? Absolutely not...both are great games but have different playlists and playing styles but essentially the same thing...trust me when I say there is nothing like a fake "4 man band" in the middle of your living room with a fog/smoke/light machine, rocking out to "Livin on a Prayer" by the one and only Bon Jovi...seriously though? Not everyone is musically inclined so give us dorks a break...

21. Don't trust anything "Made in China", especially if it's digestible because in reality, it's not...Melamine in your body will not break it down and you will die...Melamine has since been found in animal feed and eggs, and even sex toys, so girls, next time you plan a romantic night with B.O.B., make sure you glove it before you love it!

22. Obama arrived on the big stage and on election night, he did a figurative Quarterback Kneel because he and everyone else knew time was running out and the other side was never going to win no matter if they pulled out a Hail Mary...We voted for change and elected our very first Black President...whether or not he'll do a good job, who cares? We have a black president and Bush can suck on it and go back to Texas.

23. PETA--no thanks...no one wants to eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream that's been made from breast milk. That's disgusting...we'll all stick to cow milk.

24. On a more serious note, Jennifer Hudson lost three members of her family to a crazy, estranged boyfriend/husband for no reason besides jealousy. The Dreamgirls star's life is now a nightmare and her story brought tears to everyone's eyes...Caylee Anthony, a beautiful little girl was murdered and thrown away like trash in Orlando, FL where her remains were found not far from her family's home...Casey Anthony, either you did it or you're covering for your crazy parents/suicidal father...someone just confess already! Stop killing innocent people because you're fucked up. Every year, the killing and violence in this world gets worse and worse...kill yourself, not someone else who doesn't deserve it.

25. On an even more serious and personal and final note, my family and friends lost some people as well in 2008. Dad lost his BFF and lawyer Mike Roe to a heart attack on the Fourth of July before the parade; my great friend Katie lost her father, Dick Davis, of nothing more than a bee sting; my beautiful girlfriend Emily and her amazing family lost the strongest woman to ever grace their lives to breast cancer, Yvonne Rawley, who affected everyone's life and even though I didn't know her well, she affected my life more than I thought she would...we miss all of you. Make sure to hug and kiss your loved ones as much as you can and don't take anything for granted because you never know...they could be gone the very next day.

2008 was full of laughs and tears and hopefully 2009 will bring more laughs than tears...God knows we need them.