Sh*t I Don't Get Vol. 3

Wearing Socks with Sandals: When the weather gets warm or when people go on vacation, one of the first things they get excited about is wearing sandals. Gone are the constricting socks and the shoes that make feet feel claustrophobic.  I love sandals. I hate wearing shoes and even more than I hate wearing shoes is wearing socks.

Sandals are the closest thing a person can get to being barefoot.  But when some douchebag decides wearing socks with sandals is a good idea, I really don't get it. What is the purpose of wearing sandals if you're just going to put on socks before hand? Hello! Sandals are for us barefoot folk, not you socked folk!

While I understand there are some reasons people want to wear socks with sandals, I tell those people "Wear Shoes". There is no reason to EVER wear socks with sandals.  If your feet are covered in corns and callouses, it's best to keep the shoes on.  If you're embarrassed about your piglet feet, keep your shoes on.  If you think your feet might get cold or sweat, wear shoes. The whole purpose of wearing sandals is to let your feet rock the outside air, not to keep them constricted.

The worst offenders are the ones who wear socks with thong sandals. Wearing socks with sandals makes no logical sense whatsoever, but what's even more puzzling is wearing socks with thong sandals.   It's like wearing a super tight skirt and trying to walk.  You are spreading apart your toes but are limited by the sock. WTF! How is that even comfortable?! It's not; it's idiotic.


No one will ever convince me there is ever a reason to wear socks with sandals. There is no logical explanation. If you must wear socks, then you must wear shoes. Don't embarrass yourself by wearing socks with sandals. It's completely unacceptable.


People Who Don't Read:  I absolutely love to read.  I always have. As a 5th grader, I had a reading level of a high school senior.  I always chose reading over watching TV.  I excelled at reading, writing, and grammar during my entire education. Although I'm an avid reader, I understand other people aren't.  And that's ok. As long as you read once in a while and keep your mind engaged, I don't have an issue with it.

But what I really don't get is people who don't read...at all! It is frightening the amount of people who only read what is absolutely necessary--street signs, food labels, and a TV guide--how can you survive without reading?

For me, reading is escaping reality.  My life isn't horrible; don't get me wrong. But sometimes I like to live someone else's life for a while.  When I open a book, I'm immediately taken to another world, another life, and I get to experience something I never will unless I read that particular book.  Stories have been around since the beginning of time, but people have gotten lazy.  Reading keeps brains active, motivated, and engaged.

I want to strangle those parents who don't read to their children, or even encourage reading. Reading is one of the most important parts of childhood development. It's not just the simple process of reading a book, it's learning different words, sounds, concepts, and generally using your imagination.

Make time every day to read. There are so many good stories and amazing authors out there and it's a shame not everyone takes the time to honor the ageless process of story telling.


Man Boobs (aka Moobs): In civilized society, any female with breasts is expected to wear a bra to keep their tits in check.  I'm sure there are other reasons why women should wear bras, but let's focus on one point at a time.  If your boobs are large enough to bounce up and down, it's time for a bra. 

But why is it not the same for men? Men with boobs should have to wear a bra, just like any female.  If it's not acceptable for me to go to the grocery store with my boobs sagging (which they don't; they're quite perky actually) and my nipples poking towards the cashier, then men should not be allowed to either.  If I can't walk around the community pool with my tits flopping about, then neither should that fat guy with the DD cup!  Tits are tits no matter whose body they're on!

Moobs are not only creepy, but they're just nasty.  Men should not have boobs. Men have nipples, but should not have tits. They serve no function. They're not even pleasant to look at. But, some men do have tits and I think this is a huge problem.

Men get moobs from being overweight, thyroid problems, an increase in estrogen, and/or a decrease in testosterone; women get boobs from simply being women. Yet the same rule about bras should apply.  That's my point. There are only certain situations where I actually show my tits to other people (and yes, sometimes I do it in public, but mostly in private situations), but it's not generally accepted in our society.  So, next time a man with moobs decides to hit the beach and let his DDs hang, he should wear a tankini top...just like I have to.

Sh*t I Don't Get Vol. 2

Smart Cars: This is a perfect car for a virgin. Anyone who drives one of these cars has pretty much guaranteed themselves no chance of sex whatsoever.  This is also a perfect car for a nugget. These cars remind me of a toddler shoe, but with wheels.  Anyone else see the resemblance? I understand these cars are probably relatively eco-friendly and are not gas guzzlers. They are an economic solution to fuel efficiency and pollution, but so is a bicycle.  Because these could be considered "green" cars, I have a small iota of respect for the idea behind them. But when I see people driving them, I want to punch them in the mouth and kick their tin can toddler shoe over.  There are other hybrid, eco-friendly cars you can buy. Even electric cars, although some Smart cars are electric. But a toddler shoe with wheels? What's next, a refrigerator box with wheels? (Wait...see Nissan Cube). I hate Smart cars almost as much as I hate PT Cruisers and Mini Coopers.


Vests:   Obviously, the inventor of the vest either ran out of fabric for a whole shirt, or couldn't make up their mind regarding short sleeves or long sleeves...so why sew on sleeves at all?  Vests as part of a daily outfit should be banned.  The only acceptable vests belong in law enforcement, sports, for formal wear under a suit, or as a life vest. Period.  If it's cold outside, don't put on a sweatshirt and then a vest. It doesn't make sense.  If you're afraid of being too warm but want to be warm enough, put on layers.  Put on a long sleeved shirt under that sweatshirt and if you get warm, you can always take off the sweatshirt or long sleeved shirt.  A vest is just bulky and completely pointless. It's not that hard to decide between short sleeved and long sleeved.  If you're really torn, go long sleeved because you can always roll up your sleeves. Or just wear both.  But put the vest away unless you need to wear one to save your life. People who drive Smart cars probably wear vests too...and you know what I say about people who drive Smart cars...same thing applies to people who wear vests.

Littering: The act of throwing trash on the ground makes me sick.  We all know better. It's not natural for garbage to be piled up on the curb or around a stop sign.  Littering=ignorance/selfishness. People who drive and throw trash out the window should just keep it in their car until they're near a garbage can.  Keep a plastic bag in the car and when it's full, dispose of it appropriately.  There's no reason for people who wait at bus stops to throw their trash on the ground, especially when there is a garbage can nearby. It's completely ridiculous. Littering destroys the beautiful scenery, it can be a breeding ground for disease-carrying insects and rodents, and can harm our water sources.  It's not that difficult to throw garbage in the proper receptacle.  I'm one of those people who will pick up trash if I see it near me, and I don't hesitate to tell people to pick up their trash if I catch them carelessly littering.  It takes an extremely long time before litter disappears. Below is a list of how long certain things take to disintegrate or disappear:

• Paper and paperboard: 6 months
• Used Cigarettes: 2–5 years
• Plastic (PET) Soda Bottles: 5–10 years
• Plastic shopping bags: 10–30 years
• Gum: 20–25 years
• Tin Can: 80–100 years
• Polystyrene Chip Wrapping: 90 years
• Aluminum Can: 200–400 years
• 6-pack Bottle Wrapping: 450 years
• Golf Ball: 100–1000 years

Most of these items will never disintegrate in our lifetime.  Think about that the next time you decide to toss a Coke bottle or a piece of gum on the ground.  That will be there for years, and it is your fault.  Your family and your future children will suffer the consequences of your laziness.  We are all responsible for keeping this earth clean, and although it may not seem like a big deal that there's a soda can on the ground, over time, the effect of that is detrimental to the environment.  Every time you litter, you are destroying the planet. I don't know about you but I certainly don't want that burden.

Sh*t I Don't Get Vol. 1

I've decided to add a new series to my blog.  It's titled "Sh*t I Don't Get", which encompasses things I truly don't understand...not because I don't know the facts or that I'm illiterate or anything like that.  I'm not stupid; in fact, I'm a very smart gal. I'm not prejudiced or racist (well, everyone is to an extent, but as a general rule, I'm not). I have an open mind and broad horizons (and shoulders) but these are things that literally flabbergast me and I am left speechless, which doesn't happen very often.  I try to analyze them and make sense of this shit I don't get, but I just cannot wrap my mind around some things.  As my readers, please feel free to chime in with your opinions, knowledge, or back talk. Whatever you prefer.

Shit I Don't Get Vol. 1

Celestial Marriage: What the hell? Obviously, anything having to do with Mormons or the Church of Latter-Day Saints is beyond my comprehension.  I am convinced Mormons are aliens sent to Earth to destroy activities I take seriously--drinking, promiscuity, smoking, etc.  The idea that a man "needs" more than one wife for the celestial kingdom is not only obnoxious, but it's downright annoying.  That's not what it's about; it allows a man to have extra-marital affairs in a manner in which they are justified.  All I know is that I can't wait for these polygamist men to find out there is no such thing as a "celestial kingdom" and their marriage isn't "heavenly". I just wish I could be there to say "I told you so".

Why Black Guys Love Fat White Girls: I don't have a problem with interracial relationships or relationships that are out of the norm. I'm a lesbian for crying out loud...who am I to judge? But this has always confused me.  What is it about obese white women that black men are attracted to? Is it that they're good eaters, and there's always a guarantee of fried chicken at the dinner table? Or is it like catching a rare species? The black man snags the fat white chick (said in a National Geographic Host's voice).  Or is it the other way around? Do fat white women go for black men because they feel no white man could love them? I don't know. I literally cannot find an answer to this.  Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I doubt it. And why is it extremely rare to find both an attractive black man and an attractive white woman couple? That species is endangered as far as I'm concerned.

Speedos: Unless you're an athlete, more specifically, an Olympic swimmer, there's no need for any man to wear a Speedo**.  I'm not talking about the Speedo brand; I'm talking about a "Speedo"!  I live in Florida and when the Snow Birds (Canadians) are here for the winter, I see my fair share of pale white, hairy, fat men wearing Speedos.  They have no modesty. They let it all hang out.  I've seen some fruit baskets in my life, but nothing compares to these dandies.  These men come to the beach and bend over to put their towel down and share with me their family jewels.  Not some I want to see, but thanks for sharing.  Unless you're going to do a triathalon (the swimming part) in the Atlantic Ocean, there's no reason to wear a Speedo.  Even wearing one for sun tanning is unacceptable.  Wear beach shorts and when you want to tan, hike the shorts up your legs like normal guys do.  That way, we aren't forced to see the outline of your package. 

Recently, we were at Hollywood Beach and a man came with his daughter and when he got there, he put his stuff down right in front of us.  He then proceeded to strip down to nothing but a Speedo and a sweater (his chest hair).  We all noticed his Speedo was on inside out and apparently, he noticed as well.  Moments later, he went into the water, far enough out so he could take off his Speedo and turn it right side out.  Then he came back to shore and laid down right in front of us, showing us his not so private parts. 

Please, for the sake of humanity, either go to a nude beach and let it all hang out, or put on shorts with an appropriate length.  Your wife may not mind (although I'm sure she's so embarrassed she won't even be seen with you at the same beach) but the rest of us do.  Even Michael Phelps can barely pull of a Speedo.

**Unless you look like this guy in the yellow Speedo, Speedos should be illegal for you. And even then it's not that appealing...a hunk in a Speedo leaves nothing to the imagination. 

How To Agree With Someone Who Thinks Their Baby Is Cute When In Fact It Is Not: This is the worst position to be put in.  Your friend/family member just had a baby.  You're excited because you think all babies are cute...they're harmless innocent babies, how can they not be cute, right? F**king wrong my friend.  I have met many babies that I find downright fugly...it's not their fault. But I get tongue tied and I start to sweat when I encounter a fugly baby and have to pretend that it's the cutest thing since the Olsen Twins on Full House.  To Parents of Ugly Children: Although this is your child and you think the kid is the cutest thing on Earth, there has to be a small part of you that knows the child is NOT cute.  So, please don't put your friends and family members in a position to agree with you when you hem and haw over the alien looking baby. It makes us feel uncomfortable when you force us to lie.  Luckily, most ugly babies grow out of their fugliness.  For the ones who don't, sorry. Life isn't fair.