What...A Whopper

A year after Deputy Edward Bylsma ordered a Whopper he'd come to regret, he is filing suit against Burger King, claiming one of their employees spit a huge loogie into his burger. Bylsma says he is seeking a change in Burger King's hiring and supervision policies, although it's not really known what effect one could have that might prevent minimum-wage-earning fast-food employees from taking out their grievances on a customer's food.

In March 2009 in Vancouver, WA, the officer was in full uniform when he went through the BK drive-thru in his marked K-9 patrol car and ordered a Whopper.  When the employee handed the officer his burger, Deputy Bylsma was suspicious his food had been tampered with. (Duh. A cop ordering food? Of course kids will spit in your food). He said when he "carefully unwrapped the burger and pulled the meat patty off the bottom bun [he] found slimy, clear and white phlegm".

Sounds tasty. 

According to Seattle Weekly, "Gary Herb, the 22-year-old Burger King employee who served Bylsma his Whopper, was convicted of third degree assault and served a short stint in jail. DNA testing later revealed it was he who had hocked the mouth missile".  Apparently, there was another employee involved who was not charged and has Hepatitis.

Since the incident, the deputy only eats homemade food (I wonder if he's married or has children, because the likelihood of getting spit in his food high at his own home if he makes his wife mad, or allows his children to make a sandwich for him).  He also suffers from insomnia and worries about contracting Hepatitis or other food borne diseases.

Are you kidding me?  This guy is a cop. He has one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.  And he's losing sleep over spit in his food, food that he didn't even eat? I would think he'd lose sleep over shooting someone, solving a murder, or having to tell next of kin about a horrific accident...but losing sleep over a loogie in your burger? Seriously?

Apparently he's haunted because he's eaten at this particular Burger King before.  Really? On the off chance someone spit in his food before, surely he would have noticed a thick, white substance on his sandwich that was NOT mayo...

And what's with the DNA testing? This isn't a case for Horatio from CSI: Miami! DNA testing is a bit excessive...I bet if this particular incident didn't involve a police officer and instead involved a run of the mill citizen, DNA testing would have been out of the question. And the kid would not have been convicted of 3rd degree assault...Of course, this is not to say I condone the employee's behavior, because I certainly do not. It is vile, disgusting, and completely inappropriate to do that to someone's food, no matter who it is. 

Lessons learned Mr. Officer:
1. Don't order fast food while in uniform.  Ever heard the one about the cop and the donuts?
2.Take an Ambien and get over it already.  Or volunteer for 3rd shift to cure your insomnia. Or shoot and kill a suspect so you have something to really lose sleep about.
3. Go get tested for Hepatitis so you can move on with your life.
4. There's always McDonald's!

One last thing...even though I'm giving this guy a hard time, I sincerely hope he wins his law suit against this giant corporation who hires employees for minimum wage and expects them to actually care about their jobs. This day in age, work ethic=$$$$. Sad, but true.

Starving For Attention

I know I've said this before in a previous blog post, so I'll try not to be redundant and change it up.  I always suspected Asians were a bit odd, different, and were addicted to electronics, but this Korean couple definitely took it to a horrifying level.

Meet Kim Yoo-chul, 41, and his partner Choi Mi-sun, 25, a Korean couple from a suburb of Seoul, who recently gave birth to a baby girl...who is now dead (starved to death) because her parents are idiots and are addicted to some stupid MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role playing game). What the acronym should mean: YWNGLIYPTTOG (you will never get laid if you play this type of game!)

This specific MMORPG game is called "Prius online" and it reminds me of the American game, "The Sims", but in this version it's like anime and the point is to...um, well, I'm not exactly sure what the point is.  Here's what the website says about the game and it's purpose:

1. Emotional Exchange System:  Anima may seem to find it hard to express her feelings at first. Let her engage in various emotional experiences with you - you’ll notice her growth and she’ll start to show her feelings to you in return. Make no mistake - your Anima is not a passive unit that simply tags along with you and follow your orders. She is your companion with her own intentions who knows how to express her feelings.

2. Your Companion Anima: You get to meet Anima like you meet your soul mate once you start adjusting yourself to the new world. You and Anima will soon reach that quiescent place where the star tree stands through heart-pounding connection with each other. It is like a fated karma that began to revive from the distant memory of eternity.


3. Emotional Awakening System: You get to meet Anima when she lost her memory and maintains only a vague state of emotions. Nonetheless, she regains her forgotten memories one by one through various experiences you share with her along the journey.


4. Intimate Bonds: The more you sympathize with your Anima, the higher the efficiency becomes for everything she does for you. Higher intimacy allows her to kick off her skills and forces swiftly for you to escape from dangerous moments.

Basically this Korean couple put all their time and effort into raising a virtual child, time and effort that should have been spent raising their real baby!  According to the The Telegraph, this couple only fed their actual 3-month old child in between 12-hour sessions of playing this game at a neighborhood internet cafe, where they were "raising" their avatar baby.  Sounds creepy to me.

The article states: "Leaving their real daughter at their home in a suburb of Seoul to fend for herself, the pair, who were unemployed, spent hours role-playing in the virtual reality game, which allows users to choose a career and friends, granting them offspring as a reward for passing a certain level.  The pair became obsessed with nurturing their virtual daughter, called Anima, but neglected their real daughter, who was not named".

In September, the couple returned home from a 12-hour session to find their real child dead.  The autopsy said the baby died from prolonged malnutrition.  My question is, what is the parents' punishment going to be? I think someone should starve them to death for doing this to an innocent child all in the name of a stupid video game!

This couple found out the hard way what video games can really do to people, families, and relationships.  I know other people and couples who struggle with the issue of spending too much time playing a video game, but I've never heard of anyone actually neglecting their own child for a virtual child.  Maybe neglecting another family member for a few hours while playing a video game, sure, but not to this extent where someone dies because of it.

Chung Jin-won, a police officer in Suwon, the Seoul suburb, gave this statement to a news agency: "The couple seemed to have lost their will to live a normal life, because they didn't have jobs and gave birth to a premature baby".  Um, is that a fact or are you making an assumption because you don't want to believe that people are capable of something this tragic and stupid?

I don't think they lost the will to live; clearly, they could get up and get ready for the internet cafe and had the will to live to take care of their avatar child.  And they didn't have jobs because they spent 12 hours at the internet cafe!  I think that's an excuse to cover their own asses.  But what does this baby being a premature baby have to do with anything?  


I have to admit, I personally enjoy playing video games. I have a PS2, a Nintendo Wii, and a PSP.  But my gameplay is under control. My relationships aren't neglected, nor do I waste an entire day playing a game.  There's more to life than a virtual world.


But for those of you people out there who have the tendency to get obsessed with games, or if you are feeling lonely and need to find a companion, check out the Prius game website and take care of your own anime child.  Just don't neglect your own child or other relationships because of it! No one should die because you were too addicted to a video game.

See also: "Cyber Marriage". Weird how these two blog posts intertwine so well together.

I Love You Means Shit To Me

Nothing says "I Love You" like a pile of shit...even better, when it's actually written with piles of shit.

A farmer in Iowa wanted his wife to know he was thinking about her on her birthday, and the best way for him to express himself was with shit.

I've been known to do that back in my glory days, parading around the house as a toddler, but I at least kept it in my diaper..and stopped when I got my big girl panties.

This farmer, Dick Kleis, used 120,000 pounds of manure to basically write out "HAP B DAY LUV U" in the snow to show his affection for his wife.

He said it only took about three hours to write the shitty message, and even said it's not very difficult to do.  His expert advice to those of you wanting to write your beloved a message with shit, particularly in the snow: "Any manure will work but the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best. It kind of melts the snow."

Wouldn't you think a farmer in rural Iowa would have thought to use bales of hay to convey his message or take a lesson from graffiti artists and use spray paint instead of using 60 tons of shit to say "I Love You"?

According to his wife, she says although it's a little weird, she still says he "dung good" when asked if she got the perfect birthday present.  I say he's a dungass.

Dick Kleis wasn't the only person with this shitty idea though.  Another farmer in Minnesota, Bruce Andersland, showed his affection for his wife on Valentine's Day by creating a heart shaped pile of poop...with an arrow through it.

Bruce's wife said it was the largest valentine she had ever received.  No kidding. It's a field covered in heart shaped poop.  Apparently, Bruce had the idea because the square mile, snow covered field seemed fitting for something.

Um, a poop shaped heart was the only thing you could think of to utilize this land? How about farming it? No, I get it...playing with shit is always more fun.

If anyone wrote me a message in shit, piss, blood, semen, or any other bodily fluid, that person would be dead to me.

Prescription Mints??

People are stupid.  Really, really, fucking stupid.  And they get away with it.

Two 4th grade teachers at Westchase Elementary School in Tampa, FL, decided they would be "creative" and help their students deal with FCAT jitters. Curing jitters could include some stress relief like exercise, or playing fun games.  But that's not what they decided.

One of the student's grandmothers, Sandy Young, says she walked into the classroom and saw orange prescription bottles sitting on everyone's desk.  Immediately, she was concerned.  Hell, I would be too.  A classroom full of 4th grade prescription drug abusers is something to be concerned about.

The teacher, Beth Watson, told the grandmother there were no drugs in the bottles, just mints.  Upon closer investigation, the bottles allegedly read "Watson's Whiz Kid Pharmacy. Take 1 tablet by mouth EVERY 5 MINUTES to cure FCAT jitters. Repeated use may cause craft to spontaneously ooze from pores. No refills. Ms. (Deborah) Falcon's authorization required."

WTF? Why would two educated teachers think it was appropriate to put mints in prescription pill bottles as a creative way to calm their students before they were about to take the FCATs? What is that teaching besides the only way to cure "jitters" (adult terms--stress) is by relying on the orange bottle and some white pills? Or, how about when the students go home and look in the medicine cabinet and find a prescription for Xanax or Percocet, and think the pills are actually mints like their stupid teachers imprinted in their brains?

Apparently, the teachers said the idea was tied to Roald Dahl's book, "George's Marvelous Medicine", which is about a boy who concocts potion to change the disposition of his cranky grandmother.

Um...not the same idea. Not even remotely close.

Potions are completely different than prescription pills! You don't see Harry Potter popping pills or using a tourniquet on his arm and injecting himself with a needle.  These teachers should be fired for their stupidity.  Instead, they will not even be disciplined because it was not their intention to promote drug use.

Really? Is that why they bought orange prescription bottles, filled them with white mints that resemble pills, wrote up a fake prescription to put on the bottle, and then doled them out to their students to medicate their jitters? No, that doesn't sound like promoting drug use to me. Not one bit.

Teachers have just as much impact on kids as parents do, and generally they should all be on the same page.  So, you try to keep your kids away from drugs at home, yet when they get to school, they get the message that it's okay? WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait for these kids to grow up.  This one incident may not have harmed them short term, but now all of these 4th graders have the idea that when life gets too hard, all they have to do is turn to an orange bottle and everything will go away.  I personally can't wait to see this entire class on A&E's Intervention in less than a decade.

To Grill, or Not To Grill?

This weekend, Emily and I decided to have a couple friends over for a BBQ, drinks, and games.  Friday night, it sounded like a great idea.  All week, it had been relatively cold for South Florida, but Friday was 70 degrees, sunny, breezy, and just beautiful.  Naturally, I assumed the next day would be the same.

I was wrong. Overnight, the 70 degrees was replaced by a cold front, and when I woke up Saturday morning, it was 35 degrees, windy, cold, and rainy.  I was convinced my plans to grill BBQ chicken breast cutlets, with my own homemade BBQ sauce, was ruined.  It was then that I had to make the decision...to grill, or not to grill?

Still undecided, we went to the grocery store and got all the necessary items to have a successful BBQ.  Our friends came over that evening and I still wasn't sure if I was confident enough to brave the elements just for a couple pieces of meat on the grill. We snacked on hors d'œuvres, drank wine, and chatted. 

Around seven o'clock that evening, I decided I would brave the weather and start the grill.  We have a patio so are able to stay dry outside if we choose, but it's not very big.  Being a responsible adult who is paranoid about fire, I knew my only option was to put my grill on the grass, and hope it didn't get rained out.  At that point, it was raining, but not as hard as it had been all day; it was more or less sprinkling. 

I stacked the charcoal in a little pile in my Kingsford tabletop grill (hey now, it's convenient for camping), doused the nuggets with lighter fluid, and set it ablaze.  Surprisingly, the coals, fluid, and flame worked together beautifully and started a nice fire, which roared for a good 5 or 7 minutes before the nuggets became hot embers. 

I was ecstatic! Although it was cold out, now we would have grilled meat to accompany the garden pasta salad and fruit salsa we had prepared.  Normally on a cold rainy day like this, I would have opted for a less summery meal, perhaps a nice bowl of chili, but I wasn't going to let the weather break my stride. I wanted a summer meal damnit!

The meal turned out to be not only a grand idea, but it tasted excellent.  My taste buds and stomach were all pleased with my decision. I am convinced that the meat would not have been as good on the George Foreman grill.  Nothing beats a Kingsford grill, even as small as mine.

Apparently, not everyone is as grill savvy and responsible as I am.  It may sound like a good idea to some idiots, but grilling inside the house is never a good idea.  Too bad a family in North Miami didn't get that memo.  According to SunSentinel.com, this family became ill overnight due to carbon monoxide poisoning. 

So, this family decided it would be a good idea to not only grill "out", but they decided to grill "in".  Now, I can only assume that the parents are either A) foreign and can't read the charcoal bag/grill manual in English; B) illiterate and can't read the charcoal bag/grill manual; and/or C) are just that f**king stupid. Both the charcoal bag AND the grill manual warns in large letters NOT to use the grill inside because even the smallest amount of carbon monoxide is poisonous. 

The article also states, "two parents and four children were overcome by the fumes as the father moved the grill from room to room".  I feel terrible for those children, especially if they were too young to really understand what was happening. But if they were between the ages of 12-18, even they should know about carbon monoxide poisoning...pretty sure they teach you that in school. 

But what truly perplexes me is the father! Not only did he bring the charcoal grill inside, but he moved it from ROOM TO ROOM? WTF??? And what was the wife doing during all this commotion? She must have been taking out the batteries in the smoke alarms because there's no way a smoking grill would NOT have set off the alarms!  Even worse than moving the grill from room to room (who grills in the bedroom, btw?), they probably didn't even air the place out because it was so cold! Floridians are pussies when it comes to cold weather...they blast their heat and shut their windows. I'll bet large amounts of money on the fact that these people closed their windows, blasted the heat, and then used the grill inside.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened, and it certainly won't be the last.  Stupid people are fertile and breed like cockroaches. Note to North Miami family: next time, read the warnings on the bag and take a second to rethink the idea of bringing an "outdoor" grill "indoors".

Cyber Marriage

I've always suspected the Japanese were a little odd and took electronics to the extreme; but I never thought it was possible to take it to this level.

A Tokyo man by the name of Sal 9000 (the only name he would give to the interviewer, and probably his "Love Plus" name), courted a woman named Nene, escorting her on the streets of Tokyo, taking her on vacation to Disney World and to a beach resort in Guam, and getting to know her on an intimate level.  Sal has found his dream woman, a woman who he has now married.

Seems normal, right? Well, maybe I didn't mention that Nene is actually a character in a Nintendo DS game called "Love Plus".

Sal appears to be relatively normal.  He dresses nicely, has nice teeth, and is even fairly attractive.  According to the interview on CNN.com, he claims Nene is better than a human girlfriend.  He says, "She doesn't get angry if I'm late in replying to her. Well, she gets angry, but she forgives me quickly."

CNN.com's article quotes, "Japan's Internet community has witnessed relationships and marriages to avatars, though it's typically been within the confines of the virtual world. Last month, Sal decided to be the first human-to-avatar union. Clad in a white tux, Sal married Nene in front of some friends and Web users watching the ceremony live online."


My first reaction was who was going to stage an intervention and get this guy to a shrink? But it appears he knows that the marriage is not legal, physical, and he understands 100% that it is only a game.  He says, "I love this character, not a machine."

What happens when his DS runs low on battery, or the game has a glitch? Is that Nene's signal for "Honey, I have a headache?" like real women do when they don't want to sexually satisfy their men?

A man named Hiroshi Ashizaki, who writes about game addictions, doesn't think Sal 9000 is an extreme case. He says, "what is healthy about Sal is that he can communicate with people enough to do an interview on CNN and webcast a half-serious wedding." Great. So now we have someone validating this cyber marriage/relationship. It's one thing to be personally invested in a video game, but it's another to be "personally" invested in a video game character!

Ashizaki also states, "Today's Japanese youth can't express their true feelings in reality. They can only do it in the virtual world...It's the reverse of reality that they can only talk about what they feel to a friend in the virtual world." Maybe that's because the entire country of Japan is the computer and electronics mecca of the world and because the rest of the world is hungry for the Japanese inventions, future generations will never know how to communicate without saying things like "OMG", "LOL", or texting 1,000 words per minute?

The world is coming to an end.  Gone is the beauty of human interaction; in its place is a virtual world where everyone communicates through electronics only.  I think I'll stick to my human girlfriend.

Military FAIL

My heart goes out to all the victims of the Ft. Hood shootings and I cannot believe how many people were slaughtered at the hands of one man, a man these people should have been able to trust.  Instead, he turned on his own country, on his own soldiers, and ruined the lives of hundreds of people.

As most of you know, Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan opened fire in Ft. Hood on November 5, killing 13 people and wounding approximately 42.  According to CNN.com, Major Hasan, urged in 2007, "that Muslims in the U.S. Army be allowed to claim conscientious objector status when it comes to fighting other Muslims in war."

Am I the only one who has an issue with this statement? No? I didn't think so. Last time I checked, when you enlist with the US Military, it's all or nothing.  You don't hear Christians begging to leave Iraq because they want to celebrate Easter, or Jews getting upset when they see a Christmas Tree on post.

Unfortunately for America, this worthless human being is an American, ONLY because he was born on American soil.  He is a Muslim, pure and simple, and what's sad, is that Muslims, for the most part, are a generally peaceful people! Epic FAIL my foe, epic fail.

Hasan went on to say, during a slide show in 2007, "It's getting harder and harder for Muslims in the service to morally justify being in a military that seems constantly engaged against fellow Muslims".  I understand where he's coming from, not wanting to violently fight with fellow Muslims, but maybe he should have thought about that before he joined the United States Army. 

He also argues, "Muslims [sic] soldiers should not serve in any capacity that renders them at risk to hurting/killing believers unjustly."  What a hypocrite!  If you replace the word "Muslim" with "US Soldiers", the sentence would read "US Soldiers should not serve in any capacity that renders them at risk to hurting/killing US soldiers unjustly."  He goes against everything he was trying to prove in the first place! So, it's NOT okay to engage in warfare against your "fellow Muslims", but it's okay to slaughter innocent "fellow" American soldiers?

I know there are many soldiers who join the military for other reasons besides engaging in warfare. Some do it because they believe it's their duty as Americans, others do it because they are headed nowhere in life and need some direction, and some do it because it's a family tradition.  I believe when you join the military, you do it simply because you're American, and you will uphold what is expected of you as a soldier, no matter what happens.

What about the soldiers in the civil war, engaging in warfare against "fellow Americans?" There was a reason the north was fighting the south, just as there's a reason why America is one of the many countries fighting for peace in the Middle East!

It's none of our business what religion this man belongs to, or what he chooses to wear outside of his Army life, but it is our business why an American born Muslim US Army psychologist flew so low under the radar that no one had just an inkling that he might be a loaded gun, pun intended.  Of course, his actions could be seen as unexpected, but maybe someone should have sent him to counseling or discharge him or even refuse a reenlistment after his 2007 slide show performance where he clearly makes his concerns known!

The United States won't allow gays in the military, but they'll allow American born Muslims to enlist, knowing full well America is ALWAYS at war with the Middle East?  I say, DO ASK. and DO TELL.  For people who are supposed to be protecting our country, maybe you shouldn't allow just anyone to join!  Come on! Yes, of course Hasan is correct in saying it is a conflict of interest; however, he is the one who chose to enlist and it's up to the people who rule our country to use some discretion!  Say I'm being racist, say I'm being judgmental, say what you want.  Truth is, this guy is about as American as illegal immigrants. 

The latest news is that Hasan is paralyzed from the waist down, and has pains in his hands.  Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a river you murderer! Awesome that this guy is American, and as a "civilized" nation, we can't put this parapalegic murdering fuckstick in front of a firing squad, or better yet, in the many torture contraptions from the movie Saw until he suffers the same fate as his victims.  Instead, he will get due process, will probably get a slap on the wrist, and enjoy all the wonderful amenities of a medium security prison in the United States.

If I were a doctor or nurse in charge of taking care of him, I would have an extremely difficult time living up to my Hippocratic Oath to ethically practice medicine and save this man's life. I would be tempted to amputate his now paralyzed legs with a hacksaw, or cut his dick and pour rubbing alcohol on it, or more humanely (although he doesn't deserve it), put a pillow over his face until he stopped breathing.

I am not a supporter of the Death Penalty, mainly because it's proven to be way too costly, ineffective, and I would rather have people suffer on a daily basis for their crimes rather than be allowed the easy way out by lethal injection; however, at least if he's convicted, he will be eligible for the death penalty.

I hope he gets a front row seat right next to Scott Peterson.  Actually, I hope he gets shanked in prison, and bleeds out while everyone watches him die in his wheelchair. That's real justice.

Curiousity Got The Katt Arrested

Clearly, celebs are capable of just about anything...and what's worse, they get away with it!!!

Chris Brown can abuse his girlfriend, and still sell records.  OJ can get away with murder, although he was caught stealing.  MJ can have kids sleep in his bed while he gives them milk and cookies and calls the experience, "charming"; meanwhile, MJ still has the best selling album of all time.  And Lindsay Lohan can get arrested for a DUI and only spend 84 minutes in jail.  Most of these celebs have the WORST mug shots...that is, except for Katt Williams.

The most recent celeb arrest is Katt Williams, a hilarious and renowned comedian, who was arrested for burglary in Atlanta, GA.  Why the F would Katt Williams need to burglarize someone? What could a house possibly have inside it that Katt Williams either doesn't have, or doesn't wear himself?  I mean, the guy is always decked out in expensive clothes, jewelry, and shoes...

Apparently, Katt was a guest at the house he is accused of burglarizing. According to CNN.com, "The house, on a horse farm in rural west Georgia, is owned by record producer Barry Hankerson...Williams has been living in the Coweta County, Georgia, home for nearly a month while filming a movie produced by Hankerson".  Williams was arrested after one of Hankerson's employees called the police and reported that Williams had broken into the house with a crowbar.

According to the police report, "about $3,500 in jewelry and collectable coins were stolen."  Again, why would Katt Williams steal jewelry and coins that total mere pocket change for him? Does this look like someone who needs to steal jewelry and coins? No...the sock he wears on his left foot is more expensive than my humble Saturn Vue.

The whole situation is ridiculous and I think the grounds for arrest are stupid, especially because he had permission to stay in that house indefinitely during filming!  Whether it's true or not, the sad thing is, because Katt's a celebrity automatically means either all charges will be dropped, or he might spend 43 minutes in jail. 

Either way, Katt is one of the celebs who I will continue to cheer on...I like Chris Brown, although he pulverized Rihanna's face; I still love the movies "Mean Girls" and "Georgia Rule" although LiLo is a d-bag; and MJ's death saddened me on a deep level...so Katt, you still rock and you are possibly the ONLY celeb I have ever seen beam so widely in your mugshot...


One more thing...Flava Flav called and wants his outfit back...and he's missing his clock and whores too...

License to Fail

I passed the written test and driver's test for my driver's license on the first try, shortly after my 16th birthday.  A few of my friends failed on the first attempt, but for obvious reasons like running over the curb, hitting another car, or forgetting to buckle the seatbelt.  Point is, a driver's test is not that difficult and there really is no excuse why anyone should fail the first time...or second time...or third time...or the 949th time, like one Korean woman.

Cha Sa-soon, 68, of South Korea apparently can't pass the written test for her driver's license.  I can't help but wonder--can she even read?  That would be my first guess.  If she can read, then what is her deal? Is her IQ below 35?  Is she blind? Or is she really that dumb?

According to MSNBC.com, she has tried to "pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time".

Even more amazing is that this woman spent 5 million won (USD $4,200) in application fees for the same damn test!  She could have saved that money by taking the bus, a cab, or even walking!

What I really want to know is why now, in her 50 some years of being eligible for a driver's license, why she chose to start in the last few years?  Maybe she didn't need it before; maybe she was married and her husband wouldn't allow it; maybe she couldn't afford it.  Yes, there are multiple maybes, but maybe she shouldn't have waited until she was dependent on a walker, was a full member of AARP, and had more wrinkles than Bea Arthur's inner thighs to get her license!!!

Perhaps the funniest part about this story is the fact that she spent so many years, so much money, on JUST the written part of the test! Now, she has to pass the actual driving portion, and I just want to say that I am thankful I am not living in Jeonju (130 miles South of Seoul) when she goes for that test.  Who knows how long that will take her?  Every day for another 4 years? At that rate, she'll be 72 before she's actually allowed to drive.

Here's a tip for you lady--move to Florida; if you have a pulse, the state of Florida will NOT hesitate to give you a driver's license, and you can even take the test in a variety of languages!  Don't feel too bad though; the Florida DOT is just as dumb as you are.

Forgettable Sex?

Have you ever had unforgettable sex? The kind of sex where you don't want it to end, and when it does, you carve it into your memory so it will never be forgotten?  Well, I've recently learned that there is such a thing as "f**king your brains out.

Enter a woman named Alice.  She had sex with her husband one morning, and then within moments, she forgot everything and started acting strangely.  If I were her husband, I would have been offended that the sex was forgettable.  But little did they know that Alice was suffering from amnesia.

Apparently, the sex was either mind blowingly amazing, or so blasé she forgot all about it as her husband turned on the TV during their post coital cuddling.  According to the article on CNN.com, Alice appeared confused and perplexed when she saw the Olympics on TV.  Her husband Scott asked her who the president was, and she said "Clinton" (this happened in 2008).

At this point, I think Scott should be proud of himself for porking his wife so good, that she was blown away and couldn't remember simple facts.  Unfortunately for Alice, this was a more serious condition than just the side effects of good sex.

Alice was suffering from Transient Global Amnesia, which "usually occurs after the person engages in strenuous activity -- such as having sex, vigorously exercising, suddenly immersing into icy or hot water, straining to dig a stuck car or even bumping the head".  Patients who have a history of migraines and headaches are more likely to get TGA as some people report getting terrible head pains related to orgasms, called coital headaches.

The amnesia didn't last too long, but it surely freaked out both Alice and Scott, and even their children learned more about their parents' sex lives than they bargained for.  The funniest part of this story is not the fact this woman got her "brains f**ked out", but the fact that "Alice says the amnesia had not deterred her sex life, but she avoids having intercourse when she has a headache. She tells her husband, 'So sorry, you can wait.'"

Isn't that the oldest line in the book for women who don't want to have sex? Blame it on a headache?  Not anymore ladies...instead, we get to start using TGA as our next excuse NOT to have sex with you. 

Happy Gosselween!!!

I promised myself I would never WASTE another blog post devoted to the dreadful Gosselin family, but being that it is so close to Halloween, I simply couldn't resist!!!

As I scanned CNN.com this morning, I saw Gosselin trash everywhere. Although everyone likes ragging on Jon (he's nasty, fat, and stupid so it's easy), the real idiot here is definitely Kate...from her haircut to her fantasy land that her kids aren't affected by their TV show, to her future plans as a movie star.

Movie star you ask? Yes--she has recently said she wants to be in the movies! Are you kidding me?  She stated, "I've done enough years on TV that I feel like it's a normal, comfortable, natural place to be".  NO! WRONG! You've spent enough years ragging on your husband, which blew up in your face, and because you had twins and sextuplets by artificial means, and TLC came sniffing around and gave you a TV show, does not mean you're qualified to be an actress...hell, you couldn't even act like a loving wife, so what makes you think you can act at all? IDIOT!

She then goes on to say, "I'd love to be in a movie at some point, I'd love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun."  Pretty sure America hears enough about you; we don't need any Disney/Pixar animated films featuring the annoying, nagging voice of K.G.

The second article I read was about how Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out in stores across the nation.  One person on the Today Show even dubbed it as a "reverse mullet", and for those of you who know me, know I am absolutely obsessed with mullets and all the variations, the reverse mullets being one of the most rare and intriguing of them all. 

If I were dressing up for Halloween this year, I would have done anything to get my hands on this wig.  For a Halloween costume wig, it's pretty damn amazing.  I want to go out Saturday night just to see how many people have donned this wig.

Even celebrities are getting into the spirit of dressing up like Jon and Kate plus 8.  Check out Speidi's Jon and Kate costume...although Spencer and Heidi make me barf in my mouth, I thought it was pretty hilarious.  The picture is perfect!!! Heidi dressed as Kate has her mouth wide open, presumably yelling at Jon or one of her kids, and Jon is dressed like a serious douchebag, as usual.
 
More importantly, USWeekly has a link on their page where you can see other celebrities with Kate Gosselin's haircut.  For your entertainment, I have taken the liberties of taking these photos and posting them to save you the work.  Kate's haircut is horrible, yes, but at least it's versatile.

I am still confused as to how Kate doesn't think the TV shows, the drama, the divorce, and her haircut have NOT affected her children...together, she and Jon have made a complete mockery of their lives worldwide.  It is a stigma these kids will never outlive, and "Jon and Kate" drama will soon join the same scandal club where we have filed OJ's "innocence" and Clinton's "I never inhaled".  Good luck living this one down J.K.+8.

Canadian Coyotes

Seems like coyotes and the music industry have been colliding quite frequently these days. First, it was with Jessica Simpson and her dog, which she believes was "taken" by coyotes. Obviously she doesn't understand the difference between "taken" and "eaten".

In recent news, coyotes attacked again! Except this time, it wasn't a pet dog they killed; it was a Canadian singer. No, sorry folks, it's not Shania Twain, as much as we would all love that.

The victim this time was Taylor Mitchell, a Canadian folk singer, who was only 19. According to CNN.com, she "was killed by coyotes this week in a national park in Nova Scotia...she was at the beginning of the Skyline Trail in Cape Breton Highlands National Park on Tuesday afternoon when she was attacked". 

Of course, this is a sad situation.  When you think how you're going to die, and don't lie, we all think about it once in a while, you definitely don't picture yourself being attacked by coyotes, especially at the ripe young age of 19.

What's puzzling about this article isn't how Taylor is the only person to have been attacked by coyotes in this park, or even that a young, talented artist was killed.  What I don't understand is the lack of common sense these park rangers have when wondering how coyotes could have possibly attacked someone?

In the article, there are several statements regarding the puzzling nature of this attack.  Chip Bird, the Parks Canada field unit superintendent for Cape Breton, said "A pathologist will test the animal's body for diseases that might have triggered the attack".  Save the money and resources Chip; I'll tell you what you need to know.  Coyotes attacked because they're WILD FUCKING ANIMALS AND HUMANS INVADE THEIR ENVIRONMENT!!!

This douche then goes on to say how the search for other aggressive animals in the park continues. Seriously? Of course you will find other "aggressive" animals in the park; park=outside; outside=wild/aggressive animals.  Bird also goes on to say how public safety is their primary concern, which is great and true, but then he says "that animal was killed because of "lack of fear".  NO SHIT!!! Of course coyotes aren't fearful...they're wild, untamed, unafraid carnivores...

Perhaps the most ironic and disturbing part of this whole incident, is the common sense Taylor's mother shows in wake of the worst tragedy a mother can ever encounter...her daughter has just been killed by a wild animal while hiking in a park, and she gives a statement to the press that totally counteracts response to this attack.

Emily Mitchell, Taylor's mother, makes a statement in which she says, "We take a calculated risk when spending time in nature's fold -- it's the wildlife's terrain. When the decision had been made to kill the pack of coyotes, I clearly heard Taylor's voice say, 'please don't, this is their space.' She wouldn't have wanted their demise, especially as a result of her own. She was passionate about animals, was an environmentalist, and was also planning to volunteer at the Toronto Wildlife Centre in the coming months."

So, Taylor Mitchell, a talented musician was also an environmentalist? Well, that explains what she was doing hiking solo in this park. But the fact that her mother is probably right in that Taylor would not have wanted the animals to be hurt, we humans do what we always do--we destroy whatever hurts us, inconveniences us, or what doesn't work for us...and in this case, it was a couple wild coyotes.

Next time these coyotes encounter a musician in their park, I pray to every God in this universe that it's Celine Dion.  Just looking at her pisses me off and makes me want to pound nails into my temple. I won't even be that upset if they take down Terri Clark's redneck ass.  Just don't take Alanis.

Bears On Ice

Not surprising, "Russia has a long-standing tradition of training bears to perform tricks such as riding motorcycles, ice skating, and playing hockey. Fatal attacks are unusual".  Still, I have to say, WTF!?!?!?

To sum up the story, a bear on ice skates attacked two people during rehearsals, and killed one of them.  Instead of pulling a Tonya Harding and using a metal pole, the bear used his instincts and claws to maul people.

My first complaint about this story is obviously the fact the most obvious: a bear in ice skates.  This is not a cartoon where the bear can skate better than Brian Boitano!!  It is life and bears do not belong in goddamn ice skates!

The article goes on to state, "It is unclear what caused the bear to attack Potapov, 25, nearly severing one of his legs while dragging him across the ice by his neck".  Bitch, please.  Unclear? Really? Let me make it clear for you: YOU PUT A BEAR IN ICE SKATES! If I were that bear, I would have mauled your stupid ass too!!!

The worst part about this story isn't the animal cruelty associations like ASPCA strive to avoid, it's the fact that the bear suffered the same outcome as the person he attacked.  This bear was shot dead at the scene because he killed the stupid human who put him in ice skates in the first place.

Lesson #1: Do NOT play with wild animals, train them to do tricks, or put them in ice skates, or you will die.  (Cases in point: Enter Roy Horn from Siegried & Roy and Steve Irwin; one is scarred for life and the other no longer has a life).

Lesson #2: Moscow, Russia needs an ASPCA ass whooping!

Lesson #3: Wild animals will NEVER lose their wild instincts, no matter how "tame" they are.  Wild animal + humans=DEATH!

Lesson #4: You should be shot, maimed, and tortured for cruelly abusing this poor animal, for getting upset that he mauled and killed someone, and then for shooting him because he is a "wild, out of control" animal!!! NO SHIT!!!

One more thing...just because Disney on Ice is popular here in America, does not mean you should mimic the show and come up with your own: "Bears on Ice" in RomaniTurkmeniKrgyzYugoChezhUkrainUssia, or wherever the fuck you idiots live.

Illegal Aliens

With the quick approach of Halloween, many people are scrambling to find the perfect Halloween costume.  This year, people may choose to dress up as Bella and Edward from "Twilight", in fact, I'm sure most high school couples will do just that.

Since vampires seem to be gaining popularity once again, another popular costume idea this year is "Barakula", a cross between our President and a vampire.  Don't quote me on it, but I'm pretty sure somewhere out there in the internet world is a rock musical called "Barakula" where Barack fights off vampires.

If you really want to frighten people, I suggest purchasing a mask from Ogawa Rubber, Japan's top rubber mask maker, preferably in the form of the late, great, Michael Jackson.  Even better, it comes in two different colors, black and white, which is weird considering M.J. himself always said it didn't matter.

The funniest costumes of the year also happen to be the most controversial.  If I were still into dressing up and going out, I would totally pick one of these as my costume of choice...well, maybe not in South Florida because I, as an American, am actually a minority and would probably get shanked for wearing it, but I would migrate North to don this costume, or buy it for one of my friends North of the Mason-Dixon line.

Introducing, the "Illegal Alien" costumes.  According to CNN.com, the costume includes an orange jumpsuit, similar to prison garb, with "Illegal Alien" stamped in black across the chest; a space alien mask; and a fake Green Card.  Apparently there are two costumes; this one and another costume that includes a space alien mask, this time with a dark handlebar mustache and a baseball cap.

Maybe I'm an asshole; maybe I'm prejudiced; or maybe I'm one of the many Americans who are tired of illegal immigrants receiving better health care and other benefits than my family and I do, but I find this costume absolutely hilarious and find it to be the perfect mix of satire and Halloween!!!  The Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights of Los Angeles, however, does not share my sentiment.  They started receiving emails Friday morning, which CHIRLA wrote several letters to stores like Target, Walgreens, and Amazon.com, asking them to stop selling the costumes.

Apparently, illegal immigrants everywhere are "offended" that these costumes are a direct attack on illegal immigrants, meaning, how dare we Americans make such a costume? Who the hell do we think we are, right?  Yes, illegal immigrants are humans and have feelings but they are not Americans!  WE Americans have the right to make whatever kind of costume we want, and should not have to worry about people who cross our border ILLEGALLY getting their little feelings hurt.  If you come here illegally, you better learn our customs, speak our language, or your opinion simply does not matter.  That's harsh, yes, but it's the truth.  If I were to go to Laos, Germany, or Haiti, no one would care if my feelings were hurt...no one would listen to me if I didn't at least attempt to learn the language.  And most of all, no one would welcome me with open arms, like we do here in America!!!

You know when my feelings get hurt in my own country? When I can't afford health insurance, and the gov't cares more about the people who come here illegally than they do about me. I was born here; I deserve health care.  You were born in another country; you deserve health care in your OWN country.   If you want to come to this country, do it legally. I don't enter YOUR country illegally, blatantly ignoring signs like this, and then get offended when you make fun of me and other Americans.  It's a two way street mi amigo...you can't dish it out and then refuse to spoon it back in.

One more thing, last time I checked, it was okay for illegal immigrants to dress and act like us, but we can't dress and act like them?  I mean, if this picture doesn't depict immigrants posing like Americans, I don't know what picture does. We're just trying to blend into the American population, just like you.

Freaky Florida Fatality

Florida is full of crazies, drunks, and elderly of all races and walks of life.  I was not surprised to read an article on CNN.com today, the headline stating: "Groom: Fiancee's Death Was Accident".  When I clicked on it, it brought me to WFTV, where the headline states "Man Shoots, Kills Fiancee Day Before Wedding".  Naturally, I'm intrigued.

Apparently, a 62- year old guy named John Tabbutt killed his future wife, Nancy Dinsmore.  But it was accidental.  He awoke at 3am, thought he heard an intruder, so he got his gun and shot the "intruder" in the chest.  The "intruder", however, was his fiancee.

First, before I go any further, I just want to express my sympathies for this man, a 62-year old man on the eve of his wedding, not only loses his fiancee, but he's the cause of it.  I can only imagine how this man is grieving and the guilt he will have to overcome.  I can't fathom what he and their families are going through. 

With that said, the whole thing just smells fishy to me, and not because it took place in Florida.

1. I understand it's every person's right to bear arms, but why do you have a gun?  And furthermore, what is it doing so close to your bed?  Tabbutt claims he woke up around 3am, saw a shadow in the hall, and fired at it.  So, what that means to me is he opened his eyes, saw a shadow, and grabbed a gun from his nightstand or pillow and immediately aimed towards the shadow and pulled the trigger.

2.  If you're getting married tomorrow, WTF is your fiancee doing out at 3am?  Maybe it was her bachelorette party, but if that were the case, you would have known she would be out and coming home late.  Was she working a late shift?  Again, if that were the case, you would have known as well.  Or was she simply up getting a drink of water in the middle of the night, and returning to bed?  If that were the case, you would've tucked each other into bed, and had you awoken at 3am and noticed her side of the bed was empty, you would have known it was her.

3. Although the authorities are awaiting forensic and toxicology reports, I'd venture to say this gentleman probably had alcohol or other drugs in his body.  It just seems to make sense to me when the rest of the equation is all messed up.  I wouldn't be surprised if the authorities find motive, find more incriminating evidence, and the toxicology reports turn out to be fruitful. 

In any neighborhood, it's a given anyone who wakes up at 3 am and sees a shadow in the hallway can suspect a burglar, so I applaud your quick reaction and thinking; however, something is just not adding up here.  I don't necessarily believe this shooting was "accidental".  Yes, maybe a mistake, but you pulled out your gun, aimed, and shot this "intruder" dead center in the chest; then, you figured out you killed your future wife?  Yikes my friend. 

Sounds like you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do in spite of your grieving.  For your sake, I hope you're telling the truth.  Now, with all your family and friends coming in and out of your house, it might be best to lock up your weapons to avoid another tragedy.

Obama + Nobel Prize=LUDICRIOUS

Every news outlet is reporting today that President Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize for...uh, for...wait, I'm not sure...why did he receive it again?  Yes, that's exactly what I thought too.

Everyone has heard of the Nobel Peace prize, but it's possible not many people know it's origins, or why it's such a high honor.  It all started with Alfred Nobel, a scientist, inventor, entrepreneur, author and pacifist. Basically, it was stated in his will that most of his estate was left to this prize, which would be awarded to a person in one of five categories.  According to his Will, it would be presented in five ways:
1. to the person who shall have made the most important discovery or invention within the field of physics
2. to the person who shall have made the most important chemical discovery or improvement
3. to the person who shall have made the most important discovery within the domain of physiology or medicine
4. to the person who shall have produced in the field of literature the most outstanding work in an ideal direction
5. to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses

According to the Nobel website, "Every year since 1901 the Nobel Prize has been awarded for achievements in physics, chemistry, physiology or medicine, literature and for peace. The Nobel Prize is an international award administered by the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm, Sweden. In 1968, Sveriges Riksbank established The Sveriges Riksbank Prize in Economic Sciences in Memory of Alfred Nobel, founder of the Nobel Prize. Each prize consists of a medal, personal diploma, and a cash award".


President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize this year "for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples", according to CNN.com. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only citizen on Earth who is thinking "WTF"?!?!  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Obama is a great guy and everything and I am more than happy that he is president, but there is always controversy surrounding the Nobel prizes, and for good reason.  Let me just point out people in history who have been nominated, who have won, and who did NOT get the Nobel Peace prize, and you do the math.

Once upon a time, Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Josef Stalin were all nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize...

These people definitely deserved their awards: Teddy Roosevelt, Yasser Arafat, and Henry Kissinger...but what makes the least amount of sense are the nominations that failed to produce awards.  Is there a reason why Mahatma Ghandi did NOT receive the Nobel Peace Prize?  Is there an even better reason why Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII failed to be awarded?  Surely, they put forth more  "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples"...hell, even Al Gore earned his prize.

But Obama? Seriously? I've racked my brain and CNN.com and Time.com for articles proving Obama earned this award, and I come up empty handed.  I love the change America faced when we elected him; I love the support some Americans have given him; and I love that we have welcomed the first black first family into the White House...I'm proud to say I was alive when we saw our nation break through racial barriers to elect a black man into the highest office...with that said, the only reason why I think he was awarded is because he is America's first black president...that's it. I mean, that's a HUGE milestone and like I stated above, I think it's great, but that doesn't mean he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize!

If you take a look at the Nobel website, and take a look through past nominations and past winners, you'll start to see an odd pattern...it seems as though everyone is white! So, maybe the foundation needed to meet a quota to introduce a black man winner?Granted, Obama didn't nominate himself but still...there has to be someone else out there who did more  "to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples"!!!!  Well, if that's the case, let's give one to Oprah for being a black woman talk show host; let's give one to Tiger Woods for being a black male golfer...or Halle Berry for being the first black woman to win an Oscar...all these people are great in their own right, but they are certainly NOT Nobel Prize material!!!

Whatev...bask in your humble glory Obama. Hopefully you'll start to come through on some of your promises to "change" America and the world...at the end of the day, yes, you are America's first black president, yes, you are a good family man, but unfortunately for you, this is how most people still see you--mainly because you haven't proven yourself otherwise...America's waiting for change Obama...it's time to step up! 

Murder-Suicide

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm getting really tired of reading news stories about families who are victims of murder-suicide.  First of all, just because you are having financial difficulties does not mean your wife, your teenage son, and your young daughter, and even the family dog, need to die because of it.  How can you kill your wife, and then continue killing your entire family? It's not temporary insanity; it's not financial difficulties; it's just plain selfishness.  Everyone has financial difficulties right now.  Everyone has problems. But, not everyone picks up a gun and starts shooting because of it.

It just sickens me, this murder-suicide fad.  Every news article about it features a shocked community, a good family, and financial difficulties.  Seriously? Why is it becoming so popular to kill your family and then yourself? The only thing that solves is taking the lives of innocent people for no reason. 

What I don't understand about people going through financial difficulties is their refusal to scale down! Sell that house, live in an apartment.  Pick up a part time job.  Have your kids offer to mow lawns and shovel snow around the neighborhood for some extra cash. Have a garage sale. Sell your car and walk/bike/ride the bus to work.  There are other options besides killing your family.  And why does it always have to be a shotgun or a rifle? If you're going to kill your family, the family you swore you loved and took care of all these years, why do you have to shoot them dead? Selfish fucks.

Killing your family to "save" them from financial difficulties is the stupidest thing I've ever heard...here we have soldiers who are getting killed in a war, coming from good families who would give anything to have their children come back safely, and you take it upon yourself to kill your family? That just goes against the laws of nature.  It's true guns don't kill people; people kill people, but if guns weren't so damn easy to get a hold of, maybe we'd have less children dying at the hands of their fathers, or mothers.

Why can't you just commit suicide, and leave the rest of your family alone? If you have murder on your mind, the world will be better without you. Next time, you selfish asshole, put the gun in your mouth first, and spare everyone else because there are more good things in life than bad.  There is nothing so bad in life that you have to kill your family and yourself. So stop the violence already.  Get your head on straight before you think about blowing it to pieces.

Adding Prison To Injury

Weird...an NFL football player was armed, at a nightclub, and is now headed to prison. Seems to be the new trend.

CNN.com is reporting Former NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress is going to serve a 2-year prison term for a shooting incident at a nightclub.  Apparently, he accidentally shot himself in the leg with a .40-caliber semi-automatic pistol he was carrying in his waistband while at a nightclub in Manhattan.  Because he pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of attempted criminal possession of a weapon, he is to serve a two-year sentence, agreed to under a plea agreement.

This sentence stems from the simple fact he was not licensed to carry a pistol in either New York or New Jersey. I'm all for strict gun laws, but a two year prison term seems a bit extreme in this case, especially since he didn't hurt anyone...well, except himself. Wouldn't some time in jail with some community service be a little more fair?

American Justice System, isn't this just rubbing salt in the wound? Adding prison to injury, pun intended?

Truckin' For Jesus

Truckers come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, much like a bucket of Legos.  But the one thing they have in common besides foul body odor, missing teeth, and a penchant for a CB radio, is Jesus.

Welcome to the Trucker's Chapel, a place where truckers can come and sit down for a mass, thanks to Rev. Joe Hunter, a retired trucker himself.  CNN reports "Hunter's Truckstop Ministries Inc. works like a spiritual gas station. He prays with truckers, coaxes them to make tough decisions and hands out taped sermons that fortify them on lengthy business trips."

Joe Hunter has his own personal reasons for starting this chapel, some of which are inspiring and some of which just reaffirm the trucker stereotype.

I wonder how many of these truckers stop at this chapel in Georgia and confess they just porked a 16-year old prostitute in Atlanta, thus cheating on their wives for the 67th time this year? Or how many truckers stop in and pray for forgivenessafter they just received a BJ from some crackhead at the rest stop just down the road? 

Having a trucker's chapel is like having a whore church...some things just don't make sense.

Cracked Up

It's bad enough Troy West lives in the South.  Worse, he is an older guy, sporting a redneck mullet, who lives in Georgia.  It's really no surprise this guy has issues, but he took the racist, redneck, stereotype a bit too far.

Apparently, Mr. West was leaving the Cracker Barrel when a young black woman, Tasha Hill, and her daughter were entering.  He flung the door open so hard it almost hit Hill's 7-year old daughter and the woman asked him to be careful.  I think that's a common thing to say when you're in fear of being hit by a door.  I guess not everyone can handle such a civil request, especially not West.

West proceeded to beat this poor young woman, in front of her child, all the meanwhile cussing at her and calling her by the N-word, among other racial slurs.  Witnesses stepped in, EMT's arrived, and the FBI got involved and might possibly charge him with Federal Hate Crimes, among already being charged with battery, disorderly conduct, and cruelty to children in the first degree.

Although he is out on a $5,000 bond, the worst punishment isn't the charges, the hate crime angle, or even being put in prison. West's true punishment? Being banned from Cracker Barrel for life, and for a redneck, that's worse than losing your trailer, cutting off your mullet, and having a full set of teeth.  I hope you learned your lesson Mr. West; no more grits for you.