Dancing With The Stars No One Cares About Anymore

There are several shows on TV I literally cannot stand; some of these shows I've even refused to watch because I know I'll hate them immediately and regret wasting precious moments of my life tuned in to these atrocities.

Anything on MTV falls in this category. I've boycotted MTV since 1999 since they stopped playing Music on TV. Change your acronym to RTV (Reality TV). Laguna Beach, The Hills, and Jersey Shore used to be locations in the United States, but somehow they've ended up being popular TV shows. WHY?!?!?!?

There are some reality shows I like watching, although they're not really "reality". I like The Biggest Loser, American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance, but I think these are more competition shows than "reality" anyway.

But one reality/competition show I literally hate is Dancing With The Stars.  Whose bright idea was it to gather professional dancers and pair them with C-list and D-list so called celebrities and vote on their dancing? WTF??? 

I don't understand the reason this show is on TV.  American Idol--contestants are required to have raw talent and it's an opportunity to showcase themselves as musicians.  Same with SYTYCD--contestants also need to have raw talent.  Biggest Loser--contestants struggle to change their bodies by changing their attitudes, and it's both inspirational and heartwarming.

But what is the purpose of DWTS? I think it's an opportunity for those celebs who are recently caught in scandals to clear their name by learning the Fox Trot and the Samba as a distraction so we forget their douchebag factor and say "hey, maybe they're not so bad...I mean, she really rocked the socks off that contemporary routine".

This past week, ABC released it's celeb lineup.  Get ready for it. When I read it, I knew for sure the world was ending; it's a sign, just like the earthquakes that have been shaking our world lately.

Here are a couple noteworthy celebrities has-beens/cougars who will grace the DWTS stage in 2010:

1. Pamela Anderson: Why is she famous again? Baywatch? Kid Rock? She's so irrelevant, I can't even remember.  What I do know is that she needs to be counted as three contestants because her pair of twins could do the Cha Cha all on their own. 

2. Kate Gosselin: Again...why is she famous? If her skills on the dance floor are as good as her mother/wife skills, viewers are in for a real treat. I wonder if anyone informed Kate that she would have to dance and not just sit on a yellow chair in front of the camera. I'm hoping Pam Anderson will pull a Tonya Harding and take Gosselin out by pulling on her hair extensions and punching her in the babymaker.

3. Shannen Dougherty: Wow.  This former Beverly Hills brat, charming witch, and Made-For-TV film star will surely bring something to the show--drama, STD, or police with a warrant...my guess is a nice combo of each.  She, Pam, and Kate will at least have something in common.

My predictions for this show:
1. Pam's implants will pop during a lift in a routine.
2. Kate's weave will strangle her while she shakes her Mom Butt.
3. Shannen will put a Charmed spell on the judges and take the gold.

The Smallest Winner

Like many Americans, I can afford to lose some weight. I understand that and recognize that. What I don't understand is the people who weigh a half ton and when they lose weight, they literally lose 4 of me! I am baffled as to how you can get that large and how you're still alive!

I'm a HUGE fan of the show, The Biggest Loser, and I think the show's intentions are amazing. They literally transform the fattest people this world has ever seen and shrink them down to nugget size. If you watch the very first episode, and the finale, and nothing in between, it almost feels like you watched a real life version of the cheesy "Honey I Shrunk The (insert names here)" movies.

I have no judgments or prejudices against fat people whatsoever and I love watching these people be transformed from shy, self conscious, morbidly obese people into healthier, more confident people.  They do that through a variety of challenges, workouts, and game play strategies, which sometimes don't always work out.  If I were on the show, there would be a bit of game play on my end (ie: sending home the player who has more weight to lose so as to not ruin my chances), but this season is by far the most dramatic I've ever seen.

You have the green team, a Puerto Rican mom/daughter combo, and they are spicier than a handful of habanero peppers.  The mom's name is Miggy, and the daughter's name is Migdalia, and they're both rotten bitches who don't show any emotion. No wonder you weigh 300 pounds. Your name is Migdalia. AND You eat your emotions and wash them down with greasy cheeseburgers.

Then there's the red team, a husband/wife combo, Lance and Melissa, who are in the game not only to lose weight, but to play the game.  They throw weigh-ins, throw people under the bus, and act surprised when people call them liars.  There's nothing I want more than for this white trash duo to head back to the dirty south and get on with their over indulgent lives.

Weird that the green and red team fight more than Charlie Sheen and his women.

There is more drama with the other teams, of course, but my main issue with the show is the fact that contestants have a clothing requirement. During the weigh in, women wear sports bras and spandex shorts, and men just wear shorts.  I know it's so the scale weighs their bodies, and not their clothing, but keep in mind that this is a "couples" season, so they have teams of cousins, mother/daughter, husband/wife, and...wait for it...father/daughter!!! 

I for one, would have an extremely difficult time standing in front of people, half naked, if I were the size of a bottle-nose dolphin. I give mad props to these people who can stand on the scale, week after week, in front of their peers and America. 

What I would NEVER do, however, is stand in front of my own father in a sports bra and spandex shorts.  Like the black team, Darrell and Andrea, that's what they face week after week. I love my father, don't get me wrong, but I would feel sooooooo uncomfortable with boobs that resemble a peanut shell in a sports bra and a mad case of camel toe in my skin tight spandies.  I know it's a requirement of the show when you weigh in, but still.  I couldn't do it. But, because of the lack of clothing during a weigh in, we get to see the contestants bodies transform before our eyes for four months, which is both amazing and inspiring.


It's unfortunate we never get to see Jillian wearing next to nothing. Until now.

Speidi Sex

Pretty sure there's a reason why Spencer and Heidi are still D-list celebs...because they're idiots and only shows like MTV's "The Hills" and "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!!!" actually want to feature these tools.

People.com is now reporting that the ever intelligent Spencer Pratt is withholding sex from his wife, Heidi Montag, but not for the typical reasons you may think.  First of all, it's usually NOT the husband who withholds sex, so obviously there's something going on.

Apparently, Spencer was quoted by the New York Posts' Pop Wrap by saying "I'm not even kidding, my wife – OK, I'm gonna get crass here – but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby...That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding – my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts."

Do you have an IQ? Why would you say that? Obviously you didn't realize how much of a douchebag you'd sound like by saying that. So what Heidi might stop taking birth control and not tell you because she wants to be a mom? What is so wrong with that? Obviously, I would NEVER condone Speidi offspring, for the clearest, most obvious reasons, but that doesn't mean Heidi can't have a dream?

More importantly, ever heard of a condom dipshit? If your wife stops taking birth control, cutting off your nuts is NOT the only option to prevent pregnancy! Use a damn condom because if your wife is horny and you're not putting out, she will start to look elsewhere my friend...oh, and abstinence in a marriage is a bit weird.

Jon Without Kate and 8?

TLC has officially dropped Jon Gosselin from "Jon and Kate Plus 8". I don't get it. Why wouldn't they drop Kate, the retched bitch that she is? I mean, Jon's no prize, but seriously? I thought the show was supposed to show American core family values, not showcase the rise and fall and ultimate demise of a marriage that not only affects the spouses but will haunt the children forever.

Now, TLC has come up with a "new" show, "Kate Plus 8" that debuts in November.  Um, still don't get it. According to CNN.com, this new show will take "a deeper focus on Kate's role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life."

TLC, here's some advice. Just cancel the whole show! The only reason people watch it anymore is for the scandal! No one cares about Kate as a single mom; it was more fun to watch Jon squirm and Kate be a bitch to him.  Now, it's just going too far. It's time to think about the children involved and get them off national television because one day, you will all pay.

NOT Karing About the KarDOUCHEians

The Kardashian family has been on every news site, every channel, every magazine, basically just everywhere recently.  I can't help but wonder exactly what makes this family famous.  Is it because the father, Robert Kardashian, was associated with the OJ trial? I don't see Judge Ito's or Marcia Clark's families having their own shows on E!, probably because they're not attractive Armenians.  Is that what makes them popular? Being attractive Armenian-Americans? I mean, besides Cher, whose father was Armenian, who really cares about Armenians?

What I want to know is why people Kare so much about the Kardashians? Does this world need another celebrity baby that Kourtney will probably name Afghan or Pretzel? No.

Does the world need another celebrity attending LA Laker games, since Khloé is marring some Lamar guy who plays for the Lakers? Hellz no!

And does Kim really need Ryan Seacrest to be the executive producer of her show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Do Kourtney and Khloé really need their own show in Miami?  Again, hellz no! I'm so sick of hearing about this damn family!

What makes me most sick is the fact that the mom's name is Kris, then she and her late ex husband named their kids all with names that start with K, then Kris divorced Robert Kardashian, married Bruce Jenner, and had two daughters with him, both named with the letter K. The only child from this odd family dynamic without a K name is Robert Jr., but obviously that's a lame name. I mean, who names their kid "Jr" besides Sammy Davis and Cal Ripken?  The whole family makes me want to Ka Ka Kough up a phlegm wad!

I wish someone would just create a show called NOT Karing About The KarDOUCHEians and NOT air it.

The Biggest Idol Loser

Recently, Idol contestant Chris Sligh (season 6 where Jordin Sparks won) commented on how no one cares about the Idol losers after the tour is done.  Popeater.com featured some quotes from his blog, one of which stated: "You are going to struggle. No one will care about you. Those fans who've been asking for your autograph all tour long - 98% of them don't give a flying poo about you once next season of Idol starts."

Um...pretty sure I didn't give a "flying poo" about you when you were on American Idol.  Pretty sure there was a reason why you didn't win, and why no one cares.  Maybe it's your mediocre singing that landed you NOT in the winner's position.  Maybe it's your "poor poor pitiful me" attitude that makes people not care.  Or maybe it's the fact that you try to hard to look and act like Jonah Hill.

I beg to differ with your theory that no one cares about the loser Idol contestants. I'm pretty sure Gaiken (Clay Aiken) still makes headlines, and somehow still makes money with his records.  Lifetime cared enough about Fantasia to not only make a movie about her, but to cast her in the leading role, playing as herself.  People still care about the great efforts Bo Bice goes through to maintain his long locks and bad ass facial hair, although he looks like how Axl Rose looked like right before he dropped out of high school.  People still care about the two Idol losers who now work for the TV guide channel, that Justin guy and some blond bimbo.

Let me just point out that the Idol losers tend to have more success than the Idol winners.   Chris Daughtry has made an amazing career for himself with his band, Daughtry.  Adam Lambert will continue to blow people away in his 2nd place finish.  No one barely remembers Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, mainly because although they were winners, other Idol losers from their respective seasons just beat them after the show was done.  Americans realized their mistake during the voting, and fixed it by supporting the good contestants after the show.

It's time to face the facts.  It's not the Idol losers the American public stops caring about, it's just you.

Spinoff City

Crime dramas have been popular for ages.  There's just something about people being butchered, raped, beaten, and dead that keeps TV audiences, including me, begging for more.

NYPD Blue, Homicide: Life on the Streets, Diagnosis Murder, and the Profiler are all classic crime dramas.  Within the past decade, two dramas have taken center stage and practically monopolize prime time TV--those dramas being CSI and Law and Order.  The original series are good; they both feature cops with baggage cleaning house by solving crimes and arresting the bad guys.

As if two, over the top crime dramas weren't enough; each network (CBS/NBC) decided to create multiple spinoffs for each show.  CSI took on CSI: Miami and CSI: New York and Law and Order came out with Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

Great. Thanks for adding more crime, blood, rape, and death to my nighttime TV selection.  I can watch the news for more realistic crimes, but it's entertainment and I have to admit I'm a fan.  I don't watch these shows weekly as there's always a good 14-hour Labor Day marathon of SVU on USA and Spike shows CSI reruns on a nightly basis.

What I don't understand is the show NCIS.  The only thing Mark Harmon has going for him is his HOT wife, Angie Harmon, who ironically was on Law and Order.

Crime drama fans didn't really need yet another crime show along the lines of Law and Order or CSI, what with the 6 different shows combined, but yet, here we are with NCIS: LA.

Now, I've never watched NCIS, and I can't honestly say that I ever will, mainly because Mark Harmon's haircut bothers me SOOOOOOOOO much I can't stand to look at him...what grown man has a bowlcut? Well, the producers of NCIS decided to hop on the spinoff bandwagon and are now featuring a new show this fall. Wait for it...NCIS: Los Angeles.


I've often wondered why such shows are so popular and I have figured it's not necessarily the story line, although the story lines are pretty good.

Then I think, well, maybe it's the locations of these shows, New York, LA, Las Vegas that make the shows interesting but then I remember these places are overused in both TV and film, so that can't be it.


If it's not the storyline, or the location, it must be something else.  It's the characters and the actors they choose to portray.  The characters are pretty typical in crime dramas, but all of these elements create a fantastic TV show, one worthy of multiple spinoffs.

Character Checklist:


1. Must have token black guy. Can be normal black guy, or a washed out rapper. Enter Ice-T (SVU) and LL COOL J (NCIS:LA).

2. Must have older, distinguished, and often bearded wise white guy. Enter William Petersen (CSI), Jerry Orbach (L&O), and David Caruso(CSI: Miami).

3. Must have token HOT chick.  Without the hot chicks, the show is damn near pointless.  Enter Mariska Hargitay (SVU) , Emily Proctor (CSI: Miami), and Stephanie March (SVU).

4. Must have a hotheaded and slightly odd detective.  A detective who lives for his job, and is known for busting balls.  Enter Christopher Meloni (SVU), Vincent D'Onofrio (L&O: CI) and David Caruso (CSI: Miami)...again.

5. Must have nerdy, yet weirdly attractive, science/lab/doctor guy.  Enter B.D. Wong (SVU), Eric Szmanda (CSI), Brian Dietzen (NCIS).

6. Must have token cute/mysterious/the kind of guy you'd take home to your mother detective.  Enter Chris O'Donnell (NCIS: LA), George Eads (CSI), and Adam Rodriguez (CSI: Miami).

If every crime drama on TV follows these simple casting rules, they will take over the networks and primetime TV will definitely be Spinoff City, even more so than it already is.

Is Jon The New Brad Pitt?

Long before America knew Jon Gosselin, there was a man named Brad Pitt, who seemed to have been linked to  almost every hot actress in Hollywood.  He was once engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow for three years, then he married Jennifer Aniston, then he cheated on her with Angelina Jolie, and now they're happily married. Woah Brad. Slow the F down! One Hollywood hottie at a time!

It seems these days that Jon Gosselin has been taking a few lessons from Brad.  First he marries Kate, an annoying woman with a bad haircut and they have 8 babies, not on their own of course. They enlisted help from the Sci-Fi Channel and Discovery Channel to create their babies...and then they got TV shows.

But like Brad, Jon would soon be caught in the act.  He was caught with a woman named Hailey and he denied it, just like Brad. Seriously guys, women know when you've been cheating. Just because you're a "celebrity", doesn't mean your not human. We know.

At least Brad is attractive and has the hottest wife Hollywood has to offer.  Unfortunately Jon, you've come up short in the looks department.  What is it about you that has made Hailey Glassman, Stephanie Santoro, and now Kate Major fall in love with you? It's almost like everywhere you go, girls are dropping for you left and right. At your kids' school, at home as a nanny, and now the Star reporter who probably reported on your multiple affairs falls for you?

Is the short, fat, balding guy we all know as Jon Gosselin, the new Brad Pitt? G.R.O.S.S.

MORE Sex?

Thanks to Candace Bushnell, we were all privileged not only to read her Sex and the City books, but also grateful she allowed HBO to make a 6-year show out of them.  The shows were great, and I looked forward to sitting down every Sunday night and tuning in to 28 minutes of hilarious sex, alcohol, and cock laden stories.

I was sad when it was announced the 6th season would be the final season.  I always knew Carrie would end up with Big...that Miranda and Steve would get married...that Charlotte would find her prince charming...and that Samantha Jones would finally settle down (sort of). Thank you to everyone for ending the show so well!

A few years later when I heard there would be a Sex and the City movie coming out, I was both excited yet apprehensive.  What more could the movie explain that the 6th season finale didn't already wrap up?

Would Miranda and Steve still be happily married? Would Big and Carrie still be together? Would Sam and Smith still be having more sex than anyone on this planet? And would Charlotte still be a Jew?  Why, yes, as a matter of fact.

I watched the movie when it came out, and the best part about it was when Charlotte sharts while in Mexico, which was hilarious but unsurprising the way she was running around being petrified of getting germs. Everything else, any true Sex and the City fan could have seen coming.  It's no surprise Steve has an affair; Miranda is pretty much a lesbian.  No wonder Big and Carrie have commitment issues; it's their "thing".  And if Samantha doesn't have her daily dose of sausage, she starts to question her relationship.

All the movie achieved that the show didn't was getting more in depth into the relationships of the four women, which we all assumed anyway by watching the 6th season finale!  But, thanks anyway for that final dose of Sex and the City.

Apparently, there's yet ANOTHER Sex and the City movie on the horizon. Seriously people? As big of a fan I am, why did you end the show to begin with if you're just going to keep making movies about it?  The show was better than the movie, and you could've kept millions of fans much happier. Last time I checked, none of the stars had any breakthrough moments in acting after the show was ended.  Sure, a few minor appearances here and there, but it wasn't like they ended the show because all the actors had bigger and better roles to play. So why end the show? Why keep making movies? Too little, too late?

Well, at least we'll know what will happen in the second Sex and the City movie: Miranda and Steve will continue having a sexless relationship, since she's a lesbian.  Charlotte will still be a Jew, and she and Harry will probably have a household similar to Brangelina with adopted kids everywhere; Carrie and Big will still question their relationship, and Samantha will FINALLY be a member of AARP. Oh, and they'll all drink a Cosmopolitan and laugh about the way things used to be.

The only reason I anticipate seeing the second movie, is to find out exactly why Samantha Jones is wearing a hideous wedding dress...

The Golden Raspberry

It seems as though there is no true "awards season" in Hollywood, as there are award shows scattered throughout the year, which include the Academy Awards, the Emmy's, MTV Video Music/Movie Awards, CMA Awards, and the list goes on and on and on and on...

I used to watch these shows when I was growing up, mainly because it was the thing to watch on TV. I gave up watching these award shows because the people I want to win NEVER win! It's not like American Idol where you can text in your vote, unless you're voting for People's Choice, or Teen Choice awards...but in order to get your vote in for the other awards, you have to be accredited somehow, or be famous, both of which I'm not. It just gets frustrating, year after year, knowing your favorite movies/actors/videos/albums/songs won't make the cut.

After giving up watching award's ceremonies years ago, I thought all hope was lost. I would never again find an award's show that left me satisfied, where the people I wanted to win actually took home an award. That is, until I discovered The Golden Raspberry.

Thanks to John Wilson back in 1980, he created The Golden Raspberry Awards, often called The Razzies, which he intended to counterpoint the Academy Awards by dishonoring, well, honoring, the worst of the worst, whether it be the Worst Picture, Worst Actress, or even Worst Acting.

John Wilson is a genius for creating such a dazzling awards show. Nominations for these awards are usually announced around the same time the Oscar nominations are announced. Awards are voted upon by the GRAF, known as the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation, which...wait for it...are you ready? IS OPEN TO THE PUBLIC for a yearly membership fee of $25-$250. I can FINALLY have a say in who I think deserves awards!!!

These awards are often hilarious, clever, and almost always well deserved. It seems as though many celebrities have a hard time accepting such amazing awards, some even breaking their awards, which is just disrespectful. These celebrities just don't understand what an honor it is to be nominated for awards anymore. So, the Razzies aren't the Oscar's, but at least someone out there watched your crappy movie and cared enough to nominate you.

Why wouldn't Lindsay Lohan be proud that her movie I Know Who Killed Me has won the most awards, winning 8 out of 9 nominations in 2007? That and it is the only movie to have won the worst actress award twice, where both of Lohan's characters, Aubrey Fleming/Dakota Moss, tied for the award.

Why would Ben Affleck, star of Gigli, not only NOT accept his award at the ceremony, but when it was given to him on Larry King Live? If I were Ben, I'd be proud that my movie was the only movie to win awards in the top five categories (Worst Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, and Screenplay)? That and he was also nominated in 2003 for his movies Daredevil and Paycheck, which my friends, is nothing to turn up your nose at.

What could be better than actors winning these awards? Non-actors winning awards for their performances as well, especially George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleezza Rice who won awards for their brilliant performances in Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 in 2004.

Hollywood is unpredictable; Ben Stiller, who is an amazing comedian is somehow nominated for Worst Actor 2005 in a record breaking five films, but is still a superstar. Or Eddie Murphy, another great comedian, shocked us by winning three Razzies, one for Worst Couple, which is related to him playing multiple characters and one for Worst Screenplay. Murphy is the first person to win a Razzie for BOTH male and female performances in a single film.

The best part about these awards, however, are their connections to other awards, such as the Oscars and the Golden Globes. Many actors and actresses who are nominated for and/or win Razzie awards are also nominated for and win Oscar awards...go figure. Congrats Tom Cruise for winning the Worst Picture Razzie and winning the Best Picture Oscar in 1988.

Here's a shout out to Jack Nicholson for being nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor for your roles in both Hoffa and Man Trouble, and then being nominated for an Oscar as Best Supporting Actor in A Few Good Men in 1992...why didn't you win?

Because you couldn't handle the truth, that's why.

Most importantly, here's a shout out to John Wilson, the creative mastermind behind the Razzies. Thanks for offering the general public a forum, an award's ceremony, where we can speak our minds and vote for the worst of the worst, which is still an honor.

Although I'm not a member of the GRAF (yet), I still wanted to create a Razzie Buzz for the movies of 2009. Listed below are my top 5 predictions for the 3 major categories (I could go on all day, but to summarize):

Worst Picture/Actor/Actress
1. Steve Martin--The Pink Panther 2
2. Megan Fox--Jennifer's Body & Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
3. Brendan Fraser--Inkheart
4. Will Ferrell--Land of the Lost
5. Jack Black and Michael Cera--Year One

Maybe I will look into a GRAF membership and let my voice be heard, once and for all!!!
www.razzies.com

True Blood vs. Twilight

True Blood just finished it's second season on HBO; New Moon (the movie) is set to come out in November. Which series is better? Well, I have an opinion about that!

Normally vampires do absolutely nothing for me. Vampire books, vampire movies, vampire games...nope, nothing. I could blame the horrendous movie/show "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" for that, or even Every once in a while, my mom will send me a book, or introduce me to a new author, and since my mom is a very avid reader with an amazing book collection, 99% of the time I trust her judgment when she says "You'd like this book" or "You'd really like this author".

One of these events happened a few years ago, when she introduced me to Charlaine Harris, who is the author of the Sookie Stackhouse novels. I believe as of right now, Charlaine has written 9 novels, 7 of which I have read so far. They are targeted for all audiences, but primarily adult fiction readers.

Sookie Stackhouse is a barmaid and a telepath who encounters Bill the vampire, who is the first vampire to come to Bon Temps, LA after the vampires "come out of the coffin". Of course there's the token "boy next door", who is in love with Sookie, but since he's her boss, she never reciprocates the feelings. Sure, once in a while they have a heated moment and may share a kiss or two, but she is really interested in Bill because for once in her life, she can concentrate and have a blank mind around him; her telepathy is at rest around vampires.

What ensues after meeting Bill is a series of tragic deaths, unfortunate incidents, and wild discoveries. The "Dead" series is full of blood, violence, sex, mystery, intrigue, and extremely attractive characters, both living and dead.

These books are great; so great, Alan Ball (Six Feet Under) and HBO teamed up to create one of the newest, freshest vampire shows of all time, "True Blood". Keep in mind though, that the events in the Sookie books are sometimes ignored or rewritten for the TV show, which is "based" on the novels. In both, however, TruBlood is a synthetic blood, created by the Japanese, so vampires could assimilate into society without being so violent. Of course, there are strays, just as in any society, but for the most part, these vampires are just dead people wanting the company of life.

Although my mom gave/bought me these Sookie books, she did not introduce me to the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I had heard from numerous other people that her 4-book vampire series was fresh, modern, and just amazing. Plus, her books were plastered all over the bookstores, and there was even a movie scheduled to come out. I figured I should read them, see what all the fuss is about.

Stephanie Meyer introduces Isabella Swan, who has recently moved to Forks, WA and soon discovers her life is about to change once she meets the hunk of the school, Edward Cullen. But, Edward is a bit unusual, and seems to be angry and ignore Bella when they first meet. One day, Edward finally can be around Bella and she discovers it's because he is a vampire and craves human blood. Being the likeable stud he is, he prefers to drink animal blood instead of human blood.



Like any good love story, there's always the boy who always gets the girl, and the boy who almost gets the girl. Jacob Black is a Native American living on a reservation, and his father has been friends with Bella's father for years. They hadn't seen each other in years and when Bella moves back, they rekindle their relationship. Obviously, Jacob is attracted to Bella because she is everything a boy could want, wrapped up nice and neat. But, she is googly eyed over Edward, and treats Jacob as just a friend.

Within the span of four books, Cullen family, along with Bella and Jacob Black and their respective families, also encounter a series of mishaps, tragic circumstances, and intriguing situations. The books are well written, and are considered young adult fiction.

To me, these two authors are equally as good, and awesomely creative. They both have their pros and cons, and It's difficult to compare the two series, mainly because they belong to the same genre, but just a different age category. Edward and Bella have a PG relationship, as do the other characters in Twilight; whereas Sookie and Bill have mind boggling sexual relations, as well as the other characters in the book. Jason Stackhouse, Sookie's brother, is a modern day man whore, and has a body to die for.

The characters in the Sookie novels are more complex, and come with way more surprises than the flat/dull characters in Twilight. I find Jacob Black to be the most intriguing Twilight character, because he is mysterious and has depth. Maybe it's because he's Native American, or maybe it's just his dark looks, but there's more to him than meets the eye, similar to Sam Merlotte in the Sookie novels, although Sam is a playful, plain cute guy, but who has surprises of his own.

In my opinion, Bella should have fallen in love with Jacob, which she almost did until Edward came back into her life, and I think Bella and Edward forming a marriage and having an alien type baby that almost kills her was the easy way out. The readers saw it coming, and it was no surprise that Bella would become a vampire. Duh. I saw that coming just by reading the back cover of Twilight.

Harris one ups Meyer in her novels, because although the heroine, Sookie, does fall for the vampire, there is so much more to it than that. She falters with Sam, Eric, and other people in the novels. In fact, she and Bill are barely a couple after the first two books, as they encounter problems and go their separate ways, while still being a part of each other's lives. The complexity of this story showcases Harris' more mature writing style and ability to continuously surprise the writer.

So far, there are only two Twilight movies, the first one last year and the second one coming out this year. I personally think the movies are better than the books, only because I'm a fan of Kristin Stewart, especially in "In The Land of Women" and "Panic Room", and also they couldn't have picked a better person for the role of Jacob Black.

My least favorite characters in the movie are Carlisle Cullen, played by Peter Facinelli, who also happens to be that jock-tool from "Can't Hardly Wait", and Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, better known as Cedric Diggory from the Harry Potter series. In spite of some rather poor casting choices, the Twilight movie caught my attention far more than the series of books, although I thought the second novel was the best out of all four.

There have only been two seasons of True Blood, despite Harris having written 9 books total. The series is edgy, exciting, and leaves viewers thirsty for more, pun intended. The casting is amazing, especially Ryan Kwanten, who plays Jason Stackhouse and is a HOT Australian actor who somehow manages a Southern Accent for the series, and of course, Anna Paquin, better known as "Rogue" from the X-Men movies. Perfect cast, awesome script, bloody good show!

I would place money on Bill Compton beating Edward Cullen's "vegetarian vampire" ass anyday, and Bella ain't got shit on Sookie; that and Bella wouldn't win the fight, since Sookie could read her mind. At the end of the day, Edward is a pussy who gives in and makes Bella a vampire, and somehow they go from kissing, to having a baby, who they name "Renesmee", the STUPIDEST combination of names I've ever heard! Shame on you Stephanie Meyer for that stupid name! Bill Compton is a Southern gentleman who is practically a superhero the way he can fight, feed, and fuck, and there is NO way in hell either Sookie or Bill would agree to name a child something that stupid!

Harris has her vampires living out in the open; Meyer keeps her vampires hidden, ashamed of who they are. Harris' vamps glamour people; Meyer's vamps "sparkle"; Harris creates a fictional town, known as Bon Temps, LA where as Meyer picks an actual small town in Washington. Harris has 9 books, and probably counting; Meyer has 4.

I'm just saying...it should be obvious what the better choice is...Charlaine Harris and her Sookie books, as well as Alan Ball/HBO and the True Blood series DEFINITELY win. Why do I think that? Because I write so...

Thanks for reading but now, I'm going to allow Kanye West to interrupt/end my blog.

Kara Kelly's Madea Comes Out

Dear Tyler Perry,

I can't believe you have made yet another Madea movie. The fact that you have the top earning movie of the weekend is literally beyond me.

When you burst onto the scene with your movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman", where you apparently dress up like a woman, age yourself 50 years, and teach lessons to your family members, you took America by surprise and your film was an unexpected commercial success, so fine, we'll give you credit for being creative, although I'm pretty sure Robin Williams did the EXACT same thing about a decade before you...regardless, good job in busting into the Hollywood movie making scene.

The following year, you decided to come out with a sequel, "Madea's Family Reunion", which some would argue did better than your first movie. No one blamed you for doing a sequel, as a lot of filmmakers attempt and totally fail, ie) Final Destination 1-89; Scream 1-3; and miscellaneous Kevin Smith movies (although I am a HUGE Kevin Smith fan).

I personally respect you for being a playwright and being motivated to the point you bring your plays to Hollywood and turn them into films. But let me remind you, you are no Tennessee Williams, and just because you were born in the same city, does not mean you are of his standards.

How many plays/movies can you write where you dress up like a black Mrs. Doubtfire and it still be funny? The first time, yes. The second time, maybe. But the 3rd, 4th, 5th...18th, 19th times, it just gets old. Not only does it get old on the silver screen, but having multiple TV shows just adds insult to injury.

I give you credit for the movies you make and the plays you write, but I think it's time to retire, George Lucas style. Take off the pantyhose, remove the lipstick, and readjust your balls where they're supposed to be.

P.S. I have an idea for your next play/movie. I am going to write it and direct it, and you will do what I say. It's called "Kara Kelly's Madea Comes Out." I envision a script where everyone finds out Madea is actually a middle aged drag queen who has been fooling everyone for years. Truth is, he/she is actually a middle aged film maker who loves dressing up in women's underwear, tucking his goods behind his legs, and stuffing himself into pantyhose and a dress only women over 80 can get away with...this can be your coming out story Tyler. We all know your secret. Don't wait for years like Lance Bass and Clay Aiken (aka Gayken) to come out. With my new movie, you'll be forced out and one day, you will thank me.

Truly yours,

KC

Jon and Eight MINUS Kate and Her Horrible Haircut

If you live in America, and have access to cable/internet/or people, you are well aware that a normal, American family, known as The Gosselins, are now major celebrities. Why? Good question. At first, it was because Kate pumped out a set of twins and then sextuplets, births that shouldn't have happened but thanks to modern medicine and money, here the world is with more babies. After appearing on NBC, Discovery Health, and finally TLC, the TV world has been graced with their story.

Never once have I had any desire to watch any show about this family, not even after all the hubbub with their impending divorce. As embarrassed as I am to say this, I have caught an episode or two in the last few years. Please remember it was only a few episodes, so I am by no means an expert on this family. But, like everyone else, I have an opinion.

Kate, is it important that you nagged on your husband until you verbally castrated him? Not really. Does it matter that your kids will grow up and hate both of you, for putting them on national TV and then causing more rumors than Lady GaGa being a hermaphrodite? Absolutely. But none of this is nearly as important as this...

Kate, although you're a retched bitch and you're lucky that Jon stayed with you as long as he did, you just have a stupid haircut. This is the real issue here people! Did you have Edward Scissorhands chop up your hair in 84 different locations, spike it with an 8oz bottle of hair gel, then spray it with hairspray, and call it a day? Or did the interns at the Aveda Institute take you seriously when you said you like it longer in the front, and shorter in the back, or the likes of a backwards mullet?

Well, it's taken about a decade but you finally realized it is high time for a haircut. But, upon further inspection, I have to ask; is this really a new haircut, or is it simply a trick of the eye? Have you pulled a Chris Angel and forced us to get distracted by your crimped, overly long bangs, hanging over her eyes, meanwhile the same chopped butch haircut is still displayed on your head?

Nice try Kate, but I'm onto you. I can still see the short spikes in the back. You're not fooling anyone. And btw, your "The Gosselin" haircut will NEVER be as popular as "The Rachel", so don't even try it.