I Love You Means Shit To Me

Nothing says "I Love You" like a pile of shit...even better, when it's actually written with piles of shit.

A farmer in Iowa wanted his wife to know he was thinking about her on her birthday, and the best way for him to express himself was with shit.

I've been known to do that back in my glory days, parading around the house as a toddler, but I at least kept it in my diaper..and stopped when I got my big girl panties.

This farmer, Dick Kleis, used 120,000 pounds of manure to basically write out "HAP B DAY LUV U" in the snow to show his affection for his wife.

He said it only took about three hours to write the shitty message, and even said it's not very difficult to do.  His expert advice to those of you wanting to write your beloved a message with shit, particularly in the snow: "Any manure will work but the good, soft, gushy, warm stuff works the best. It kind of melts the snow."

Wouldn't you think a farmer in rural Iowa would have thought to use bales of hay to convey his message or take a lesson from graffiti artists and use spray paint instead of using 60 tons of shit to say "I Love You"?

According to his wife, she says although it's a little weird, she still says he "dung good" when asked if she got the perfect birthday present.  I say he's a dungass.

Dick Kleis wasn't the only person with this shitty idea though.  Another farmer in Minnesota, Bruce Andersland, showed his affection for his wife on Valentine's Day by creating a heart shaped pile of poop...with an arrow through it.

Bruce's wife said it was the largest valentine she had ever received.  No kidding. It's a field covered in heart shaped poop.  Apparently, Bruce had the idea because the square mile, snow covered field seemed fitting for something.

Um, a poop shaped heart was the only thing you could think of to utilize this land? How about farming it? No, I get it...playing with shit is always more fun.

If anyone wrote me a message in shit, piss, blood, semen, or any other bodily fluid, that person would be dead to me.

License to Fail

I passed the written test and driver's test for my driver's license on the first try, shortly after my 16th birthday.  A few of my friends failed on the first attempt, but for obvious reasons like running over the curb, hitting another car, or forgetting to buckle the seatbelt.  Point is, a driver's test is not that difficult and there really is no excuse why anyone should fail the first time...or second time...or third time...or the 949th time, like one Korean woman.

Cha Sa-soon, 68, of South Korea apparently can't pass the written test for her driver's license.  I can't help but wonder--can she even read?  That would be my first guess.  If she can read, then what is her deal? Is her IQ below 35?  Is she blind? Or is she really that dumb?

According to MSNBC.com, she has tried to "pass the written exam for a driver's license with near-daily attempts since April 2005 has finally succeeded on her 950th time".

Even more amazing is that this woman spent 5 million won (USD $4,200) in application fees for the same damn test!  She could have saved that money by taking the bus, a cab, or even walking!

What I really want to know is why now, in her 50 some years of being eligible for a driver's license, why she chose to start in the last few years?  Maybe she didn't need it before; maybe she was married and her husband wouldn't allow it; maybe she couldn't afford it.  Yes, there are multiple maybes, but maybe she shouldn't have waited until she was dependent on a walker, was a full member of AARP, and had more wrinkles than Bea Arthur's inner thighs to get her license!!!

Perhaps the funniest part about this story is the fact that she spent so many years, so much money, on JUST the written part of the test! Now, she has to pass the actual driving portion, and I just want to say that I am thankful I am not living in Jeonju (130 miles South of Seoul) when she goes for that test.  Who knows how long that will take her?  Every day for another 4 years? At that rate, she'll be 72 before she's actually allowed to drive.

Here's a tip for you lady--move to Florida; if you have a pulse, the state of Florida will NOT hesitate to give you a driver's license, and you can even take the test in a variety of languages!  Don't feel too bad though; the Florida DOT is just as dumb as you are.