Twats and Tiaras

I need to ask a serious question that only a small percentage of America's population is asking...

WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN???????????

I just don't understand it. Why do people care so much about these idiots? Why are there so many shows that feature this family? And why is this family famous?  The Kardashian family's fame is more more mysterious than whether or not there's actual life on Mars.

For those of you who don't know (so, anyone who lives under a rock and has no contact with any human being, a telephone, or a TV) the latest celeb scandal is Twatdashian # 1 and a b-ball player are getting divorced after 72 days of marriage.

Um, so what? Right?  That's what I thought at first too.

After reading a few headlines in the grocery store, and while reading the headlines on the screen while I watched Georgia Rule on E! the other night, I felt like I had morning sickness, food poisoning, syphilis, and the flu; that's how nauseous I was. Sickened at the fact that Americans are acting as if they are being torn apart by this divorce; acting as if it is ruining their personal lives.  I mean, it's not as awful as childhood obesity, rising airplane tickets, the state of our economy, and our relationship with Mexico at the border. THESE are things to be upset about!

Or so I told myself.

The news of KK and her husband divorcing is the most annoying thing that's been on the news since Sarah Palin was the VP candidate, OJ was acquitted, and the Balloon Boy conspiracy.  People are reacting to this news in the same way they reacted when Pope John Paul II died in Italy and MJ died in LA.  People are sobbing in the streets, tweeting words of condolences, and acting as crazy as the zombies in Zombieland. WTF?

Then I realized the news of this divorce didn't go in one ear and out the other like other celeb gossip.  This divorce had actually pissed me off!!!

This entire multi million dollar celebrity marriage is a sham and the news of their divorce has gotten more airtime than the Olympics.  I am pissed because everyone thinks it's us queers who will ruin the sanctity of marriage, but they're wrong. It's celebrities and straight couples who ruin the sanctity of marriage. Britney's 55 hour marriage. Liz Taylor's 108 marriages and 107 divorces. The cheating couple LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian. I mean, what's next? Are celebs and straights going to wreck the sanctity of funerals and taking craps too?

This divorce means that yet another famous couple is abusing the privilege of marriage while people like Emily and I cannot even TRY marriage for one day in our state. One day! Kim and Kris got 72 days, so why can't I get just one? I'll tell you why.  Because they're twats who do whatever they want while Emily and I are real, hardworking, honest people who cannot get married simply because we're both women.  Real neat America. Real fucking neat.

Because I'm giving myself the authority to do so, I'm going to crown Kim Kardashian as 2011's Queen Twatwaffle. It's like the female version of King Douche, which has been reserved for Kris Humphries. If Kim were sitting next to me and I had a bedazzled tiara, I would totally cram it up her bleached anus.  Which is probably not the first or last thing that's ever been crammed in her cramhole.  My guess is there has probably been a microphone, a foot (or a fist), and one of Bruce Jenner's gold medals up in that Armenian Anus once or twice.

Side note, but still related: This is the Queen Twatwaffle runner up contestant.  Not only did she make a collage of magazine pictures of America's Sweetfarts, but she is obviously brain dead. You NEVER use scotch tape on a collage; always RUBBER CEMENT.

Fame vs Infamy

Seriously?!?! What's next for Kate G? First, she was on Discovery, then TLC, then she and her hubby graced every magazine cover and tabloid cover for a year, and now she's on ABC on the show "Dancing With The Stars".  My question is, how did this happen? And NOW she wants to grace the cover of Playboy?

That's the newest on "Momzilla", aka Kate Gosselin.  According to CNN.com, "When asked if there was any possibility that the mother-of-eight would grace the glossy covers of Playboy, Hugh Hefner says, “No! No!” And the original playboy added insult to injury by suggesting he doesn’t even know why she’s on Dancing with the Stars. Hef explained, “I don’t think she’s a celebrity.”

You know Hef, I don't usually agree with you or your tactics; quite frankly, I think you're an old pervert, but I couldn't agree with you more. Not only is she an ogre, inside and out, but she's not even a celebrity/star! And I certainly can't imagine Hef posing for a pic like this any time soon:

Shallow? Yes. But that's how Hugh is. He didn't get to where he is today by hanging out with women like Kate Gosselin.  So why would he allow her to be in his magazine, or possibly even own one? And yes, that is a real pic of Kate G (see my blog post about that pic here).

Kate has recently received a makeover for DWTS, a makeover where she's barely recognizable until she opens her mouth, or makes any facial expression.  If she just stands in one spot and smiles like a mannequin, no one would really know it was her, especially without the backwards mullet she sported for years! But she is incapable of doing that.  She's always making a sour face and when she opens her mouth, nothing but toxic words ooze out.  So she has had an ego boost about her makeover, but I think she's forgotten everything else.  Luckily for her, I haven't.

Not only has Kate had 8 children, plastic surgery, and a partial lobotomy, but it's bad enough we have to see her face and listen to her talk, let alone possibly see her pink panther?!  I mean, next time someone has sex with her (if EVER anyone will go there), it'll be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway! Kate, Your love triangle is bent way out of shape, not to mention your boobs from breast feeding more offspring than a barnyard animal...there's only so much air brushing can actually do for you!

It's time for you to face the music.  No one wants to see your naked body, not even your husband (hence why he cheated) so what makes you think the rest of America wants to.  On top of that, learn to dance already or get off the damn show!

Apparently, "Dancing judge Bruno Tonioli visited Lopez Tonight on April 7 and while he didn’t question Kate’s celebrity status he did call her ballroom skills 'dreadful', 'a catastrophe' and 'crap.'" All adjectives that can also be used to describe Kate as a person!

Instead of Kate focusing on pretending to dance on DWTS or thinking her 35-year old mombody is actually attractive and good enough to be in Playboy magazine, she really needs to learn the difference between fame and infamy. Since I know she won't do it herself, I'll help you out.

Fame: the state or quality of being widely honored and acclaimed.  Fame refers to renown and reputation, or a position of public prominence. All of the associations with fame are generally positive, implying the person is respected and honored as well as being famous.
 Infamy: a state of extreme dishonor. The associations with infamy are negative, suggesting that although someone and his or her actions are well known, many people wish that this was not the case.

People who are famous: Michael Jackson. Muhammad Ali.  Amelia Earhart. Leonardo DiVinci.
 People who are infamous:  John Dillinger.  Charles Manson. Ted Bundy.  Hitler.  Jon & Kate Gosselin.  

Keep that in mind next time you get a hair brained idea to try and get on the cover of Playboy.  Chelsea Handler, Kate Beckinsale, Angelina Jolie...now they belong on the cover.  Kate G? Not so much.  That's like asking the mom from the TLC show "19 Kids & counting" to let the world see her naked body, after giving birth to a small tribe! No thank you!

The only cover you should be on, Kate, is "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader", placed right next to the toilet while I take my morning dump.  I took the liberty to even create a sample cover.  It seems fitting.

**Disclaimer: Please remember I am not prejudiced towards women who are not up to Hugh Hefner's standards to be in Playboy or on the cover.  This is simply for entertainment purposes only.**

Clubbed Thumbs Up

I always knew there was a reason Megan Fox creeped me out. 

At first she just annoyed me with her lack of acting skills, comparable to Britney Spears in the movie "Crossroads".  But then I thought it might be because she was engaged to Brian Austin Green, who was on "Beverly Hills: 90210" while Megan was dropping logs in her diaper.  But what if her DSL's (dick sucking lips) are really what I find creepy??

Then after her Superbowl ad for Motorola premiered, and after reading gossip from Perez Hilton, I finally figured out what it was.  Apparently, she was okay being naked in a tub as a sex object, but she had to find a hand model because she has a deformity.

It's called Brachydactyly, which means "short digits" and it's basically a term for "clubbed thumb", which refers to disproportionately short fingers and toes.

Rumor has it her thumbs match her toes too...wonder if her center of gravity is off a bit with her short nugget digits?

I thought I had short nugget digits, but at least mine are proportionate.

Obviously, when everyone looks at Megan Fox, they're not looking at her "clubbed thumb"...EXCEPT ME!!!!!!!!!! 

An article on NYDailyNews.com references an interview from Esquire magazine where Fox says, "I know I'm seen as a sex object...I'm just really confident sexually, and I think that sort of oozes out of my pores. It's just there. It's something I don't have to turn on."


I knew there was a reason why this annoying, immature, horrible actress/sex symbol was annoying. I couldn't quite put my "finger" on it until now though. I hate that she blabs about being a sexy symbol, but if she's so confident, why did she need a hand model for the commercial?

Dear Megan,

You should brace your imperfections and be proud of who you are.  I say you're a creepy hypocrite.  

Thumbs up!

Cyrusly Cyrus Family?

Back in the 90's, when Billy Ray Cyrus erupted onto the country music scene with his charming smile and amazing mullet, he made everyone's heart ache and break.  Except for mine.  I was onto this choad at the ripe age of 11.  He wasn't fooling me. The mullet can only get you so far in life before people stop taking you Cyrusly.

Thankfully for country music, Billy Ray was swept off scene almost as quickly as he had shown up, even though he did win a Grammy and has multi platinum records. So what? So does Weird Al, but I have had periods that lasted longer than Billy's tenure as a country music star.

It seems the Cyrus family has gone from an achy breaky worn out music career, failed marriages, random children, to Disney. Enter Destiny Hope, the sickening teenager we all know as Miley.  Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is possibly the most ANNOYING person on this planet, in close competition with Kate Gosselin, Twilight fanatics, and a select couple relatives of mine.

Noah Cyrus, Miley's younger sister, has apparently taken lessons from her older sister and has turned into a First Class 9 year old hooker.  Apparently, she was recently captured in a family video where, according to Gawker.com, she "'smacks her buttocks, thrusts her hips, and shimmies her shoulders," while singing to Akon's "Smack That". The worst part is no one intervened; no one stopped her.  At the end of her performance, everyone clapped and cheered.  Guess the Cyrus family's moral compass is broken along with Jon Gosselin's. 

I'm not sure why people were cheering though. I watched the video.  It was disturbing, annoying, and I wanted to shank someone. The child is hideously homely and the only thing I want to see her smacking is her head against a curb, knocking those snaggleteeth right out of head.  If this had happened in the early 90's at least Billy's thick mullet would scared Noah into submission. 

According to Popeater.com, "this is the second time in recent months that Noah has landed herself in some controversy. Most recently, her Halloween costume drew red flags thanks to her thigh-high boots and mini-skirt with heavy facial make-up."  Fugly. I'm sorry, I know she's just a child, but no one hesitated to tell me when I was fugly, so I have no sympathy. She's FUGLY.

The Cyrus family is annoying, odd, and should be eliminated from this planet. I am sick of seeing your flavor savor on your chin (you're not a 21-year old college kid), and your hair is so perfect it's almost a work of art that belongs in a museum.

More importantly, I don't think it's appropriate to exploit your daughter because you can't write music anymore, to allow your youngest daughter to dress like Lady Gaga and dance like a porn star, NOR do I think it's appropriate for you two to have a slightly incestuous photo shoot with your midriff hanging out, your elbow in your Dad's crotch, all the while your father looks on with a pensive desire.

Billy, you took control of your mullet 18 years ago; it's time to take control of your family.  Let your daughters be children, not Hollywood sluts.  And has anyone EVER seen your son or your stepchildren? I can only imagine the drama they'll bring forth in the next 5 years, that is, if anyone still cares about the Cyrus family.  Once Miley turns 18, Playboy will OWN her; unfortunately for Noah, unless she replaces all of her teeth and gets a face transplant, the only magazine that will want her is the JC Penney winter catalog so she can model gloves.

Happy Gosselween!!!

I promised myself I would never WASTE another blog post devoted to the dreadful Gosselin family, but being that it is so close to Halloween, I simply couldn't resist!!!

As I scanned CNN.com this morning, I saw Gosselin trash everywhere. Although everyone likes ragging on Jon (he's nasty, fat, and stupid so it's easy), the real idiot here is definitely Kate...from her haircut to her fantasy land that her kids aren't affected by their TV show, to her future plans as a movie star.

Movie star you ask? Yes--she has recently said she wants to be in the movies! Are you kidding me?  She stated, "I've done enough years on TV that I feel like it's a normal, comfortable, natural place to be".  NO! WRONG! You've spent enough years ragging on your husband, which blew up in your face, and because you had twins and sextuplets by artificial means, and TLC came sniffing around and gave you a TV show, does not mean you're qualified to be an actress...hell, you couldn't even act like a loving wife, so what makes you think you can act at all? IDIOT!

She then goes on to say, "I'd love to be in a movie at some point, I'd love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun."  Pretty sure America hears enough about you; we don't need any Disney/Pixar animated films featuring the annoying, nagging voice of K.G.

The second article I read was about how Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out in stores across the nation.  One person on the Today Show even dubbed it as a "reverse mullet", and for those of you who know me, know I am absolutely obsessed with mullets and all the variations, the reverse mullets being one of the most rare and intriguing of them all. 

If I were dressing up for Halloween this year, I would have done anything to get my hands on this wig.  For a Halloween costume wig, it's pretty damn amazing.  I want to go out Saturday night just to see how many people have donned this wig.

Even celebrities are getting into the spirit of dressing up like Jon and Kate plus 8.  Check out Speidi's Jon and Kate costume...although Spencer and Heidi make me barf in my mouth, I thought it was pretty hilarious.  The picture is perfect!!! Heidi dressed as Kate has her mouth wide open, presumably yelling at Jon or one of her kids, and Jon is dressed like a serious douchebag, as usual.
 
More importantly, USWeekly has a link on their page where you can see other celebrities with Kate Gosselin's haircut.  For your entertainment, I have taken the liberties of taking these photos and posting them to save you the work.  Kate's haircut is horrible, yes, but at least it's versatile.

I am still confused as to how Kate doesn't think the TV shows, the drama, the divorce, and her haircut have NOT affected her children...together, she and Jon have made a complete mockery of their lives worldwide.  It is a stigma these kids will never outlive, and "Jon and Kate" drama will soon join the same scandal club where we have filed OJ's "innocence" and Clinton's "I never inhaled".  Good luck living this one down J.K.+8.

Speidi Sex

Pretty sure there's a reason why Spencer and Heidi are still D-list celebs...because they're idiots and only shows like MTV's "The Hills" and "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!!!" actually want to feature these tools.

People.com is now reporting that the ever intelligent Spencer Pratt is withholding sex from his wife, Heidi Montag, but not for the typical reasons you may think.  First of all, it's usually NOT the husband who withholds sex, so obviously there's something going on.

Apparently, Spencer was quoted by the New York Posts' Pop Wrap by saying "I'm not even kidding, my wife – OK, I'm gonna get crass here – but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby...That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding – my wife has me debating cutting off my nuts."

Do you have an IQ? Why would you say that? Obviously you didn't realize how much of a douchebag you'd sound like by saying that. So what Heidi might stop taking birth control and not tell you because she wants to be a mom? What is so wrong with that? Obviously, I would NEVER condone Speidi offspring, for the clearest, most obvious reasons, but that doesn't mean Heidi can't have a dream?

More importantly, ever heard of a condom dipshit? If your wife stops taking birth control, cutting off your nuts is NOT the only option to prevent pregnancy! Use a damn condom because if your wife is horny and you're not putting out, she will start to look elsewhere my friend...oh, and abstinence in a marriage is a bit weird.

Jon Without Kate and 8?

TLC has officially dropped Jon Gosselin from "Jon and Kate Plus 8". I don't get it. Why wouldn't they drop Kate, the retched bitch that she is? I mean, Jon's no prize, but seriously? I thought the show was supposed to show American core family values, not showcase the rise and fall and ultimate demise of a marriage that not only affects the spouses but will haunt the children forever.

Now, TLC has come up with a "new" show, "Kate Plus 8" that debuts in November.  Um, still don't get it. According to CNN.com, this new show will take "a deeper focus on Kate's role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life."

TLC, here's some advice. Just cancel the whole show! The only reason people watch it anymore is for the scandal! No one cares about Kate as a single mom; it was more fun to watch Jon squirm and Kate be a bitch to him.  Now, it's just going too far. It's time to think about the children involved and get them off national television because one day, you will all pay.

Fred Durst-ivorce

It was reported that Fred Durst's 3-month marriage to a woman named Esther is over...apparently he tweeted all about it, saying "For those of you inquiring I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support."

Duh Fred. A marriage with you is probably similar to the marriage between Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson.  You didn't honestly think any woman in her right mind would love you 'til death did you part, did you? Oh my God! That's so sweet! You actually did...well, like you told us so many times, "it's all about the he said/she said bullshit", so I'm sure there's a good reason for your divorce.

P.S. I hear one of the KarDOUCHEian sluts is single.

Models in Flight

Not only can Gisele Bündchen work the runway, but now she is learning to fly.  People.com is reporting Gisele is "learning the nuts and bolts of aviation" so she can work as a new goodwill ambassador for the UN’s Environmental Programme, on finding an alternative source of jet fuel.

Is anyone else scratching their heads asking, "WTF?" Good...so, I'm not alone out there.  I think it's great that anyone wants to find alternative sources of fuel, but I'm just wondering why a supermodel, a homewrecking one at that, has a concern for a greener earth?  You didn't seem to care about the family you and Tom destroyed, yet you care about jet fuel? Pretty sure Tom was married, with a baby on the way, and now he is in the same exact situation with you?

I'd be careful if I were you Gisele...seems that's a pattern of his so be on the lookout for wife #3, which I'm sure you'll be able to see from your helicopter.

Jon and Eight MINUS Kate and Her Horrible Haircut

If you live in America, and have access to cable/internet/or people, you are well aware that a normal, American family, known as The Gosselins, are now major celebrities. Why? Good question. At first, it was because Kate pumped out a set of twins and then sextuplets, births that shouldn't have happened but thanks to modern medicine and money, here the world is with more babies. After appearing on NBC, Discovery Health, and finally TLC, the TV world has been graced with their story.

Never once have I had any desire to watch any show about this family, not even after all the hubbub with their impending divorce. As embarrassed as I am to say this, I have caught an episode or two in the last few years. Please remember it was only a few episodes, so I am by no means an expert on this family. But, like everyone else, I have an opinion.

Kate, is it important that you nagged on your husband until you verbally castrated him? Not really. Does it matter that your kids will grow up and hate both of you, for putting them on national TV and then causing more rumors than Lady GaGa being a hermaphrodite? Absolutely. But none of this is nearly as important as this...

Kate, although you're a retched bitch and you're lucky that Jon stayed with you as long as he did, you just have a stupid haircut. This is the real issue here people! Did you have Edward Scissorhands chop up your hair in 84 different locations, spike it with an 8oz bottle of hair gel, then spray it with hairspray, and call it a day? Or did the interns at the Aveda Institute take you seriously when you said you like it longer in the front, and shorter in the back, or the likes of a backwards mullet?

Well, it's taken about a decade but you finally realized it is high time for a haircut. But, upon further inspection, I have to ask; is this really a new haircut, or is it simply a trick of the eye? Have you pulled a Chris Angel and forced us to get distracted by your crimped, overly long bangs, hanging over her eyes, meanwhile the same chopped butch haircut is still displayed on your head?

Nice try Kate, but I'm onto you. I can still see the short spikes in the back. You're not fooling anyone. And btw, your "The Gosselin" haircut will NEVER be as popular as "The Rachel", so don't even try it.

Heartless Hip Hopper

Although I did not watch the MTV VMA Awards 2009, that does not mean I did not hear or watch videos and read countless articles about the obnoxious interruption during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. I agree with everyone else; it was rude and uncalled for, and it was just another tantrum. And like everyone else, I have an opinion about it...

We all felt bad for you, Kanye, when you lost your Mom to a freak surgical mishap, or whatever the hell that was. Seriously though, there are millions of people who lose their parents or other loved ones every single day and somehow cope with it...

Kanye, you should meet up with Candy from A & E's "Intervention" and get help for your anger/alcohol/ego/mother issues because you are now in the same category as Chris Brown...a has been who will only be popular because of your ludicrous behavior, not your talent; and Taylor, you should probably stop crying on your guitar; you just won an MTV award, and thanks to Beyonce, you got to enjoy that moment.

P.S. If you were to put more of that pent up angst and anger into your videos, maybe YOU would have won best video, not just this year, but in years prior. And btw, what was your girlfriend wearing? Was she trying to be like Mystique, but in a skin colored bodysuit? You should have called HER out on that, not stomped all over a teenager's well deserved award...like you once asked, "How could you be so Dr. Evil?"

My thoughts on the year 2008, two months too late...

Obviously this list cannot summarize all of the events of 2008, these are some that pop out at me the most and of course, I have something to say about them all...and no, they're not a top 25 and go in NO particular order...

1. In 2008 we said goodbye to a young Hollywood star, Heath Ledger, who surprised us in 10 Things I Hate About You (amazing soundtrack, btw) and kept impressing us as a gay cowboy, Bob Dylan, and a crazy villain in Batman, a movie he never got to see; George Carlin and Bernie Mac, two comedians who will never be replaced or forgotten; Brad Renfro who amazed us in movies like The Client and Sleepers; and Estelle Getty, the old woman most known for her role on Golden Girls as the sassy Sophia Petrillo.

2. 2. Brangelina gave birth to their own kids and adopted even more third world countries and all the children in those countries!!! Wow...they'll be calling Nanny 911 soon...still, Angelina, thank you for taking the part in Wanted. HOT!

3. James Bond returned thanks to Daniel Craig, the least hottest of all Bond stars and if definitely a "But-his-face"...

4. Indiana Jones made a comeback on the big screen but I personally feel the Lego: Indiana Jones game was far better than all the movies combined and don't forget Lego: Batman either, although I did thoroughly enjoy watching Batman The Dark Knight and am in disbelief, even a year later, that Heath Ledger is no longer here.

5. Michael Phelps, yes, you are a great American/Olympic athlete but you are by no means the greatest Olympic athlete ever—just because you hold the world record in medals won doesn't mean you're the best...what about the fat shot-putter who only has one event but gets one gold medal—he won 100% of his events, just like you did...the best athlete should be judged by performance and percentage of events won, not the amount of gold medals won...and btw, stop drinking and driving and stop chiefing on that bong dude...you have a hot body and eat 22,000 calories a day...why fuck that up man? Seriously though, fix your teeth and then you wouldn't be a "But-his-face" like Daniel Craig.

6. The Japanese perfected synthetic blood so vampires don't necessarily need to hunt humans anymore...grab a six pack of TruBlood at your local gas station or supermarket...WAIT...what? Vampires aren't real? DAMNIT!!!!!!!! Thank you Charlaine Harris for writing your vampire series over the years and creating the character Sookie Stackhouse--your books are WAY better than Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series and HBO loved it Sookie so much they created the series True Blood, one of the best series HBO has ever seen (the best definitely being Six Feet Under).

7. Miley Cyrus, here are 7 things I hate about you—1. You. 2. Your Dad. 3. Your voice. 4. Your nudie Vanity Fair pics. 5. Your song called 7 Things 6. Your show Hannah Montana. 7. You. You are just going to end up like Hanson, The Cosby kids, the Brady Bunch, well, you get the picture...childhood stars stay in childhood so, I can't wait until you're an adult then we can be done with you. And Disney can put all your shit into their impenetrable vault and shut if forever.

8. The most amazing celebrity moment, as far as I'm concerned, is definitely the moment Tina Fey graced the TV again and again with her rendition of Sarah Palin on SNL. Her hilarious and accurate portrayal of the stupidest woman in all of Alaska and the United States, picked to have almost been the next V.P. (eek!!!) was the best celebrity moment of 2008. I also LOVE Tina Fey/Sarah Palin guest spots on SNL like Amy Poehler/Hilary Clinton and Wil Ferrell/George Bush...now, too bad someone didn't think of bringing back Cheri Oteri to play Sarah Palin's dumbass pregnant daughter...Also noteworthy, Tina supported Hilary Clinton's presidential campaign by quoting, "Bitch is the new Black"...I want to make out with Tina Fey just for that. God bless that woman and thank God Sarah Palin is back in Alaska...no one wants you here on the mainland.

9. Speaking of Sarah Palin, let's talk about her turkey "pardon"... By the way Sarah, when you pardoned that turkey, were you completely unaware that there were more turkeys being slaughtered right behind you or are you really just that dumb? You can see Russia from your house but you can't see the turkey slaughter right behind you? Seriously.

10. Amy Winehouse was sent to rehab...yes, they tried to make you go to rehab and you said no, no, no but they said yes, yes, yes.

11. Ellen and her hot Portia de Rossi of a girlfriend FINALLY got married...that gives us lesbians hope that one day, I too will be able to marry my girlfriend.

12. And for you "Mini-Me", no one wants to watch you having sex. You were disgusting in ALL Austin Powers movies and just cause you're the midget everyone casts in their movies and on TV doesn't make you a sex object...unless, of course, you're Chelsea Handler because she loves to fuck midgets...it says so in her two books, which if you haven't read, you need to. Funny ass shit.

13. Mariah Carey--didn't anyone tell you Nick Cannon is barely legal? Hope you have enough Glitter when you end up jail for being a cho-mo...I'm sure the woman prisoners would love to hear all 7 of your octaves...

14. Brett Favre—you're a fuckstick...don't play for the Packers for 17 years, retire, then cry like a baby and have a tantrum that you won't be playing Pop Warner again in the fall and then decide to come back where the Pack doesn't want you so you trade to the Jets...I hope you break your ankle.

15. As if we weren't sick of Lindsay Lohan already and we all secretly hope she was as cute and lovable in her twenties as she was in her teens when she played in The Parent Trap, now Lindsay decides to become a lesbian...awesome. But seriously, I still like her as an actress in Mean Girls and Georgia Rule, and even in my all time SNL episode from 2005 with Usher, and I actually like one of Samantha Ronson's songs, which is heard twice in Mean Girls...it's just a phase for you Lindsay and you'll be back to the sausage in no time.

16. Thomas Beatie-you're not a pregnant man. That's scientifically impossible. So you cut off your tits, kept your va-jay-jay and your uterus and legally changed your sex and your name but if you got the parts, that's what you are, no matter what you cut off...so, you are a pregnant woman who is legally a man, not a pregnant man. And knock it off already.

17. Kenley Collins, the obnoxious ugly girl from Project Runway definitely deserved to lose...no one talks that way to Heidi Klum, the most beautiful woman on this planet (besides Kate Beckinsale of course)..seriously Kenley, your clothes were hideous, as was your attitude...and way to make Tim Gunn's face redder than it normally is...don't piss off a pretentious, elderly gay man who's got a hard on for fashion Kenley...it got you booed off the stage.

18. Pirates of Somalia took over and made the Pirates of the Caribbean look like a bunch of pussies. Oil will beat chunks of change any day...although they're not as good looking as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or Kiera Knightley

19. Acai berries and Pomegranates—when the fuck did you become so goddamn popular? Juices, fruit dips, shampoo, shave gel, cereal, lotion, etc...it never stops...pretty soon they'll make Acai Mayonnaise and Pomegranate potato chips...seriously. I heart Pomegranates (not so crazy about Acai berries) but just because Oprah rants and raves about them doesn't make them any better...healthy? yes, but stop the obsession already.

20. Rock Band 2 vs. Guitar Hero...will one ever prevail over the other? Absolutely not...both are great games but have different playlists and playing styles but essentially the same thing...trust me when I say there is nothing like a fake "4 man band" in the middle of your living room with a fog/smoke/light machine, rocking out to "Livin on a Prayer" by the one and only Bon Jovi...seriously though? Not everyone is musically inclined so give us dorks a break...

21. Don't trust anything "Made in China", especially if it's digestible because in reality, it's not...Melamine in your body will not break it down and you will die...Melamine has since been found in animal feed and eggs, and even sex toys, so girls, next time you plan a romantic night with B.O.B., make sure you glove it before you love it!

22. Obama arrived on the big stage and on election night, he did a figurative Quarterback Kneel because he and everyone else knew time was running out and the other side was never going to win no matter if they pulled out a Hail Mary...We voted for change and elected our very first Black President...whether or not he'll do a good job, who cares? We have a black president and Bush can suck on it and go back to Texas.

23. PETA--no thanks...no one wants to eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream that's been made from breast milk. That's disgusting...we'll all stick to cow milk.

24. On a more serious note, Jennifer Hudson lost three members of her family to a crazy, estranged boyfriend/husband for no reason besides jealousy. The Dreamgirls star's life is now a nightmare and her story brought tears to everyone's eyes...Caylee Anthony, a beautiful little girl was murdered and thrown away like trash in Orlando, FL where her remains were found not far from her family's home...Casey Anthony, either you did it or you're covering for your crazy parents/suicidal father...someone just confess already! Stop killing innocent people because you're fucked up. Every year, the killing and violence in this world gets worse and worse...kill yourself, not someone else who doesn't deserve it.

25. On an even more serious and personal and final note, my family and friends lost some people as well in 2008. Dad lost his BFF and lawyer Mike Roe to a heart attack on the Fourth of July before the parade; my great friend Katie lost her father, Dick Davis, of nothing more than a bee sting; my beautiful girlfriend Emily and her amazing family lost the strongest woman to ever grace their lives to breast cancer, Yvonne Rawley, who affected everyone's life and even though I didn't know her well, she affected my life more than I thought she would...we miss all of you. Make sure to hug and kiss your loved ones as much as you can and don't take anything for granted because you never know...they could be gone the very next day.

2008 was full of laughs and tears and hopefully 2009 will bring more laughs than tears...God knows we need them.