Love Will Get You Higher

Love is Like...

So, yesterday I came up with a new game. It's a game of similes called "I Love You Like"...I came up with the game because one of my best friends in the entire world is going through a rough time right now, so how better to ease her stress than letting her know I love her AND making her laugh, right?

The game goes a little something like this: "I love you like (insert) loves (insert). For example, you could say "I love you like a fat kid loves cake". But who says that anymore? Be creative people.

I laughed so hard yesterday as we came up with these, I just had to share a conversation via text messages that I had with my above mentioned best friend.

Please keep in mind most, if not all of these, may be offensive to the general public. I don't care though; I think they're hilarious. Also, there are times when we refer to certain people in our lives, and in order to protect their identities and to protect us from being disowned/murdered, I have used XX to conceal their real names. Please don't assume the XX is you; you never know if it refers to you or multiple people in both our lives. Just sayin...

Me: "I love you like Eazy E loved rapping, before he died from the HIV".
Rae: "LMFAO" (not knowing I was playing a game yet).
Me: "I love you like Steven Tyler loves girl jeans".
Me: "I love you like the Real Housewives love drama and plastic surgery".
Me: "I love you like Bobby Brown loves hitting Whitney".
Me: "I love you like my panties love my farts".
Me: "I love you like Anna Nicole loved Trim Spa".
Me: "I love you like a barnacle loves the bottom of a boat".
Me: "I love you like a bunion loves a toe".
Rae: "I love you like a sausage loves its casing". (Ah...she's caught on now and is playing!)
Me: "I love you like a hamster loves its wheel".
Rae: "I love you like a tampon loves its string".
Me: "I love you like a maxipad loves its sticky side".
Me: "I love you like a pube loves its follicle".
Rae: "I love you like a sperm loves an egg".
Me: "I love you like the Jonas Brothers love giving blowjobs".
Rae: "I love you like Martha Stewart loves lace".
Me: "I love you like Martha Stewart loves women's correctional facility".
Rae: "LMAO" (need a break to laugh)
Me: "I love you like the makers of W.O.W. (World of Warcraft) loves losers
Me: "I love you like XX loves XBox
Me: "Emily loves you like cat poo loves cat litter".
Rae: "LMFAO God I'm dying!"
Me: "I love you like Ben Franklin loved electricity".
Me: "I love you like I love my new 'I love you like' game".
Me: "I love you like the Japanese loved Pearl Harbor...NOT!"
Me: "I love you like a pedophile loves playgrounds".
Rae: "I love you like the Japanese love big waves...too soon? My bad" (no disrespect intended; we are human after all)
Me: "I love you like Oklahoma loves tornadoes".
Me: "I love you like hippies love grass".
Rae: "I love you like XX loves denial".
Me: "Oh, this game just took an interesting turn..."
Me: "I love you like XX loves XXself".
Rae: "LMFAO! I can't breathe!!!"
Rae: "I love you like XX likes to complain".
Me: "I love you like XX loves to cry".
Rae: "I love you like XX loves fantasies".
Me: "I love you like XX loves having bipolar disorder".
Me: "I love you like Billy Ray loves his mullet".
Me: "I love you like XX loves the Army".
Me: "I love you like Kirstie Alley loves being fat".
Me: "I love you like emos love cutting their wrists and wearing their sister's jeans".
Me: "I love you like the gays love aromatherapy".
Rae: "I love you like Emily loves losing hubcaps".
Me: "I love you like Helen Keller loves Braille".
Me: "I love you like Mr. Holland loves his opus".
Me: "I love you like Willy loves being free".
Me: "I love you like Will.I.AM. loves black-eyed peas".
Rae: "I love you like 50 cent loves being shot".
Me: "I love you like Tupac loves Thug Life".
Me: "OMG I LOVE my new simile game!"
Me: "I love you like Celine Dion loves having twins while in her 40's".
Rae: "LMFAO I AM DYYYIIIINNNNNGGG"

If you don't have a decent sense of humor and aren't witty, you may not enjoy this game...just sayin. We enjoyed it cause we're amazing, funny, and clever.

To be continued...

The Ring

Tuesday night was a night that changed our lives forever!  Most of you all know that I recently gave Emily an engagement ring, but most of you don't know the story. So here it is.

For several months now, I've been planning on giving Emily a ring.  After much research and consulting with close friends and family, I found the ring I wanted to give her.  Words cannot express my gratitude to my father for giving me his mother's engagement ring to give to Emily.  I never met my grandmother (she died before I was born), but I was lucky to enjoy 17 years with my Grandpa.  And just knowing he gave his wife that ring makes it that much more special.  I will be forever grateful to Dad for giving us this ring.  It has changed everything. So thank you Dad Kelly. I love you so much!

After my parents planned to give me the ring, I decided it would be respectful to contact Emily's parents and tell them my plans.  I spoke with her mom and told her I was giving Emily a ring, told her what it was for, and where it was coming from. After that conversation, I felt confident in my decision to give Emily this ring.   We had the love and support from our friends and family and it was time for me to show her my commitment. 

We recently went home to WI and while we were in Rhinelander, Dad had taken the ring to get appraised at a jeweler. We picked it up and I've had it with me ever since.  Once we got back to FL, I really couldn't wait much longer to give the ring to Emily.  It was burning a hole in my pocket and I had to give it to her.

I decided Tuesday 6 July was the day.  It was a random, spontaneous day and she wouldn't have suspected anything.  I had been thinking for months about what I wanted to do, how I wanted to do it, and what I wanted to say.  So I chose something that wasn't too out of character for me.  Something simple and sweet.

I had written Emily a letter a while ago with what I wanted to say, so I took Tuesday afternoon to perfect it.  I then sent Emily a text message saying: "Your mission if you choose to accept it: Dinner with me tonight on Hollywood Beach".  Immediately she responds: "Are you paying?" I had to laugh. She would ask that! She assumed we'd be going out to eat when all along I was planning a beach picnic.

Then I called the flower shop down the road and asked if they had sunflowers in stock (in Southern FL, they sell out immediately) and as luck would have it, they had some left! They are Em's favorite flower so I got a small bouquet and brought it home.  I whipped up some raw veggie and cheese kabobs along with some sliced strawberries, wine, and beer and packed a cooler and waited impatiently for her to get home!  When I saw her getting out of her car, my heart was pounding in my chest and I was extremely nervous (which if any of you really know me, I don't get nervous about much).

When Emily got home, I told her I had a surprise for her.  She was surprised with the flowers (which she loved) and I told her we'd be going to the beach for a picnic.  When she asked why (which I knew she would), I told her we were having a picnic since we didn't get to celebrate the 4th of July since we were in airports and on planes all day.  And of course she believed it.

The weather at the beach could not have been more perfect.  It was a beautiful evening despite being hazy and overcast, but at least the hot sun wasn't beating down on us.  The water was calm, the breeze was cool and there weren't many people at the beach.  So we ate the kabobs and strawberries and drank our alcohol, just relaxing at the beach.  We were talking about what we did at work that day and then I said "You know what else I did at work today? I wrote you a letter." She proceeded to call me a dork but read it anyway.

The letter basically said how I believe every decision I've ever made has led me to her.  That I love her and will always support and encourage her.  How she has made me be a better person and how grateful I am that she's in my life.  How she is the best part of me.  And to top it off, I wrote "In the words of Kelly Clarkson: My Life Would Suck Without You".  Emily loved the letter and appreciated it but at the same time, she still had no idea what this hooplah was all about.

I then told her I had something else for her.  She grinned and was in disbelief that I had one more thing to give her.  I pulled the ring box out of my pocket and gave it to her.  She said "What is it?" I told her to open it (which she had a hard time figuring out the antique ring box) but when she got it open, she took out the ring and asked again "what is it?"

I then explained to her that it was my grandmother's engagement ring and I was giving it to her as a sign of my commitment.  She stared in awe at it and partial disbelief so I said "before you say anything, I just want you to know I have spoken with both our parents and I would not have given you this ring if I didn't feel confident that we had their support".  I told her about the conversations I had with my family, her family, and our friends and she burst into tears.

My heart sank.  She was crying and I thought I had ruined everything! I knelt on the sand by her and hugged her, asking her if the tears were good or bad tears.  Turns out, they were happy tears.  She looked at the ring again and I told her I loved her and asked her if she'd marry me someday, somewhere, somehow.  She laughed through her tears and said yes! 

It was a long few months planning and researching, but it paid off in the end.  The evening was awesome and she said she couldn't have asked for anything more.  Emily thought it was perfect and she is absolutely in love with the ring (except it doesn't fit! Kelly women have small hands!)


So that's the story! We sincerely apologize that we didn't/couldn't call everyone to tell them the same exact story. We basically only had time to talk to immediate family and after we put it on FB, the phone calls started pouring in!  It has been overwhelming and we've been busy the past few days! Using the Internet is truly the best way to spread news fast!

For those of you who have asked or are wondering, no, we do not have any current "wedding" plans for numerous reasons.
1. We cannot legally get married in our state, or approximately 44 other states for that matter.
2. We do not have the savings/money for any ceremony just yet.
3. We are fine with having a long "engagement" and whenever we do decide to start making plans, we will let everyone know.  It would be more of a commitment ceremony than anything.

Thank you for all your kind words and congrats for us! Your unconditional love and support means the world to us and we definitely could not have made it through the past 4 years without certain amazing people (you know who you are) pushing us and encouraging us to stay strong and never give up.  We have faced adversity and negativity but we refuse to stop trying! Our relationship has been the easy part; the outside factors have been the difficult part to face and deal with, but it is all worth it. Being with Emily is fun, exciting, and it just comes naturally.  We have a great, strong, and loving relationship and the love and support we've gotten and the things we've faced and accomplished over the past years have only made us better people. I can't imagine my life without Emily and I am forever thankful she has changed my life for the better in so many ways. We honestly couldn't be happier and couldn't ask for more!

Emily, your "yes" has made me the happiest woman in the world. I will love you forever.

Karapist

I am proud to say I have a Bachelor's Degree in English.  As of late, it seems I may have spent 5.5 years in college with the wrong major. Don't get me wrong, I love reading and writing and will always be a writer.  Lately it seems as though I should have gotten a degree in psychiatry. Or at least I should go back to school to get a degree so my advice can be more credible.

I have always been the go-to friend for advice on relationships, life, and everything in between for many friends and family.  I often wonder why this is.  I'm outspoken, opinionated, stubborn, and I don't always use the filter from my brain to my mouth when it comes to certain topics. I don't hesitate to tell the truth, nor do I worry about hurting someone else's feelings.  Remember, you came to me. If you honestly want the truth, your feelings will probably be hurt.

With that said, friends and family flock to me with their various complaints.  How to deal with a situation at work, how to deal with a situation at home, etc.  Maybe people come to me for an outside perspective; or maybe they value my advice.  Or maybe they want the honestly want the truth, and know I'll give it to them rather than telling them what they want to hear, which is always what they get from everyone else.  Needless to say, I'm happy to help and put in my opinion. That's what I do.

Over the course of the week, I have doled out advice about relationship struggles and trust issues that I think everyone could learn from.  Take it or leave it.  Sometimes all people need is to talk it out and get a fresh perspective to dive back in and take control of the situation.

In the meantime, if you find yourself struggling with issues about work, life, and love, follow my simple advice and you should be alright. These are common complaints I often hear from everyone, so you want my advice? Here's my 98¢, whether you asked for it or not.


#1. I hate my job.  Solution? Find a new one. Or just be thankful you have one in this economy. Until then, a job is a job. It's a means to an end. It doesn't make you who you are. Sure, everyone has complaints about their jobs, I know I do. But I need my job to pay for the nice things I have and to take care of my woman and to have the luxury of traveling and everything in between.  But, I recognize that I'm one of the lucky ones to still be employed in this country.  I suggest you leave work at work and when you get home, take advantage of the loved ones waiting for you at the end of the day. It makes your job seem unimportant in the big picture. 

#2. I'm broke.  Solution? There are plenty of ways to make extra money for your bank account and to take your mind off your shitty job.  Offer your neighbors to shovel snow or mow their lawn.  Offer dog walking/pet sitting services. Tap into your artistic side and sell some paintings, photography, or even check out writing contests online. There are other ways you can save some money. Do you really need that pair of jeans? Do you really need to go out twice in one week? Do you really need to stop at Starbucks? Probably not. Start prioritizing and the payoff will be ten-fold in the end.

#3. I'm jealous of other girls/guys and worry my mate will cheat on me OR I don't want my mate to have friends of the opposite sex for fear they might cheat. Solution? You either trust your partner or you don't.  There's no in between.  If your mate has never given you a reason to not trust them, then leave it at that. If your mate has given you a reason to be mistrustful, why are you still together? You can't have a successful relationship if you don't completely trust the other person.  Love can conquer most things, but love cannot conquer jealousy. It's up to the two of you to set up healthy boundaries and learn to trust one another. And if one of you does decide to cheat, well I guess you know where you stand then. So many people say they're afraid to open up because they might get hurt. Cheating will hurt you, yes; however, being in a relationship is both rewarding and painful because even if you don't cheat, you can still get hurt in other ways.

#4. I feel like I do everything/I'm the only one who makes the effort.  Solution? You can't change someone or force them to pick up the slack or even offer to help you.  What you can do is stop doing certain things for your mate so they learn they have to do it on their own. Once they learn that lesson, they'll appreciate the times you do it after they learn their lesson. Relationships are two way streets. Each of you has to pitch in and recognize their role. Maybe one of you has to lower your standards and allow the other person to do things their way once in a while.  Maybe you need to respect each others flaws and quirks and learn how to move past them. 

#5. I feel like we're always fighting. Solution? Learn how to interact and communicate like adults. Instead of arguing about the little shit, figure out what the "real" problem is and work on that.  You know you're not really arguing about dishes--you're arguing that you never help do housework.  You're not really arguing about doing laundry--you're arguing about the fact that you are the parent, not the spouse. Everyone has relationship problems. Everyone argues.  But not everyone fights all the time.  If you argue and have a big blow out, and then talk it over maturely the next day, but then you keep having the same fight every few months? You have not overcome your issues.  Find the middle ground. Both of you will have to compromise on certain things to make it work.

#6. I feel like my mate and I don't communicate. Solution? Learn how to be an adult and communicate properly.  One person can't just shut down or freak out if the other confronts them with an issue.  Everyone is entitled to have feelings and concerns, but just because you might not agree with them does not make them less valid or justified.  Both of you need to listen to each other and figure out a way to communicate like mature adults that you are.  This doesn't just go for partners either. This goes for family members and friends.  Just because someone raises a concern doesn't mean you have the right to walk away or freak out screaming and yelling simply because the other person wants to talk.  Five year olds act that way; adults shouldn't.  That's not saying you don't have a right to yell and scream and get upset, but if that's all you ever do, you have an issue.

#7. I always get hurt when I am in a relationship. Solution? Stop picking the wrong people to be with then.  You should know what to look for and what not to look for by now.  Nothing irritates me more than the people who consistently date the same "type" of people and then complain about it ALL THE TIME. If you don't want to be treated like shit, stop dating criminals or badasses.  Just because it's a different guy, doesn't mean that he's necessarily different. Everyone fits into a category and there's only a .01% chance that he's actually "different".  If you're dating the same type of people and get hurt time and time again, it's time to change your location and standards. Or just face up to the fact that you may actually like being treated poorly.

#8. I feel like you just don't understand or you don't understand what I'm going through. Solution? Maybe your mate or your friends or your family literally don't understand.  Maybe you're not making your point clear enough.  Or maybe, just maybe, they do understand but you'd rather keep rehashing the same issue because without it, you don't have any ammo to guard yourself with? If we do get it, that means the issue is over; it's been dealt with and you no longer have the ammo to use the excuse that we just don't understand. Just because someone hasn't been through the same exact experience does not make them less credible.  I have never been married; however, I feel I am credible to dole out advice because I am smart, caring, and have common sense but more importantly, I don't sugar coat anything. More importantly, not everyone has to "understand".  There are probably things the other person feels you don't understand either, and that's okay.

#9. I'm unhappy with my (insert word here) Solution? Everyone has complaints about their lives, bodies, jobs, relationships, etc.  But it's up to you to change it! No one can change it for you. You can't sit around and wait for life to happen to you. You have to go out and get it and take it for yourself. No one will feel sorry for you for being unhappy with certain things in your life, especially when you complain about them incessantly and never change your behavior but expect different results.

#10. I feel like nobody approves of what I do. Solution? Maybe it's true. Maybe your loved ones have high expectations of you and when you don't meet those expectations, they get disappointed.  If they really love you, they'll accept you and support you, but you have to give them a chance to do it. If someone says they don't like something you're doing or have concerns about it, your first reaction should not be to push them away.  Your first reaction should be to accept that they are entitled to their own opinion, as are you, and you need to give them a chance to support you. It happens to everyone, not just you.  Everyone does something another person doesn't approve of, but it's your life. Only you can live it. But you need to expect people to give you their opinions and just because you choose not to listen or choose to push them away doesn't mean the opinions aren't still there, so you might as well face it sooner rather than later.


FINAL POINT: Basically, my point is that life is not always about you.  Yes, you're entitled to have your own set of problems, complaints, and issues.  But they are never one sided.   If you have all these complaints and issues, there's a large possibility the other person has the same amount as well.  You must communicate, compromise, and care about the other person. It doesn't have to be just your partner--it can be a friend, a parent, a sibling, or even a child.  There are always two sides to the story, and two people in a relationship. If you never realize that and consistently find yourself with the same set of issues, maybe the problem isn't the other person; maybe it's YOU.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT exempt from my own advice.

To Grill, or Not To Grill?

This weekend, Emily and I decided to have a couple friends over for a BBQ, drinks, and games.  Friday night, it sounded like a great idea.  All week, it had been relatively cold for South Florida, but Friday was 70 degrees, sunny, breezy, and just beautiful.  Naturally, I assumed the next day would be the same.

I was wrong. Overnight, the 70 degrees was replaced by a cold front, and when I woke up Saturday morning, it was 35 degrees, windy, cold, and rainy.  I was convinced my plans to grill BBQ chicken breast cutlets, with my own homemade BBQ sauce, was ruined.  It was then that I had to make the decision...to grill, or not to grill?

Still undecided, we went to the grocery store and got all the necessary items to have a successful BBQ.  Our friends came over that evening and I still wasn't sure if I was confident enough to brave the elements just for a couple pieces of meat on the grill. We snacked on hors d'œuvres, drank wine, and chatted. 

Around seven o'clock that evening, I decided I would brave the weather and start the grill.  We have a patio so are able to stay dry outside if we choose, but it's not very big.  Being a responsible adult who is paranoid about fire, I knew my only option was to put my grill on the grass, and hope it didn't get rained out.  At that point, it was raining, but not as hard as it had been all day; it was more or less sprinkling. 

I stacked the charcoal in a little pile in my Kingsford tabletop grill (hey now, it's convenient for camping), doused the nuggets with lighter fluid, and set it ablaze.  Surprisingly, the coals, fluid, and flame worked together beautifully and started a nice fire, which roared for a good 5 or 7 minutes before the nuggets became hot embers. 

I was ecstatic! Although it was cold out, now we would have grilled meat to accompany the garden pasta salad and fruit salsa we had prepared.  Normally on a cold rainy day like this, I would have opted for a less summery meal, perhaps a nice bowl of chili, but I wasn't going to let the weather break my stride. I wanted a summer meal damnit!

The meal turned out to be not only a grand idea, but it tasted excellent.  My taste buds and stomach were all pleased with my decision. I am convinced that the meat would not have been as good on the George Foreman grill.  Nothing beats a Kingsford grill, even as small as mine.

Apparently, not everyone is as grill savvy and responsible as I am.  It may sound like a good idea to some idiots, but grilling inside the house is never a good idea.  Too bad a family in North Miami didn't get that memo.  According to SunSentinel.com, this family became ill overnight due to carbon monoxide poisoning. 

So, this family decided it would be a good idea to not only grill "out", but they decided to grill "in".  Now, I can only assume that the parents are either A) foreign and can't read the charcoal bag/grill manual in English; B) illiterate and can't read the charcoal bag/grill manual; and/or C) are just that f**king stupid. Both the charcoal bag AND the grill manual warns in large letters NOT to use the grill inside because even the smallest amount of carbon monoxide is poisonous. 

The article also states, "two parents and four children were overcome by the fumes as the father moved the grill from room to room".  I feel terrible for those children, especially if they were too young to really understand what was happening. But if they were between the ages of 12-18, even they should know about carbon monoxide poisoning...pretty sure they teach you that in school. 

But what truly perplexes me is the father! Not only did he bring the charcoal grill inside, but he moved it from ROOM TO ROOM? WTF??? And what was the wife doing during all this commotion? She must have been taking out the batteries in the smoke alarms because there's no way a smoking grill would NOT have set off the alarms!  Even worse than moving the grill from room to room (who grills in the bedroom, btw?), they probably didn't even air the place out because it was so cold! Floridians are pussies when it comes to cold weather...they blast their heat and shut their windows. I'll bet large amounts of money on the fact that these people closed their windows, blasted the heat, and then used the grill inside.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time this has happened, and it certainly won't be the last.  Stupid people are fertile and breed like cockroaches. Note to North Miami family: next time, read the warnings on the bag and take a second to rethink the idea of bringing an "outdoor" grill "indoors".

You Think You Know...But You Have No Idea

I've been requested by fans worldwide to post 25 random things about myself. You all know me pretty well...at least you think you do.

So...here y'all go!

1. I am a pretty rad cook, if I do say so myself. I like to compare myself to the one and only Marty Stew.

2. People think I'm judgmental; I think I'm just honest.

3. One day, I will be on the New York Times Best Seller List, even if it's posthumously.

4. I have a very eclectic taste in books and music. One day, I'm reading a murder mystery by James Patterson while listening to Kings of Leon to reading Jodi Picoult, listening to Tori Amos, all the way to reading British literature listening to Gaelic Storm.

5. I'm obsessed with being Irish, and am damn proud of my roots. I'm Irish 365 days of the year and most people can only say they're Irish on March 17...wannabes.

6. I would love to do stand up comedy with my amazing, hilarious best friend Rae, but we live world's apart, (she lives in the North Pole and I live in South Florida) and I'm not sure anyone outside of family and friends would actually find us that funny, although we are pretty spectacular.

7. I am funny, despite what the previous entry says. I love to make people laugh.

8. I have both my nipples pierced. There. I said it. Now everyone knows. If I were to see you in person, I would probably show you too.

9. I wish Chelsea Handler was on my MyFaves, that Kris Allen would sing to me every night before bed, and someone would bring back tight rolled jeans already!

10. I am obsessed with mullets. It's a love/hate thing. When I see someone sporting a mullet in public, I drop what I'm doing and stare, point, laugh, and am simply awestruck! I love learning knew names for mullets, and revisiting the old ones. I love classifying people's mullets when I am lucky enough to encounter them in the wild, and wish I had enough balls to sport the haircut, although my girlfriend would for sure dump my ass. Although I am the "man" in the relationship, doesn't mean I'm completely "butch", nor does it mean I could ever get away with a mullet, and if I did, I would only do it for one day, just to see what it felt like.

11. I am a shitty (insert your noun of choice here). Trust me, I've been called worse.

12. I love to quote the movie "Anchorman". If you don't like it, don't watch it with me. In fact, there are only two people I can actually watch that movie with, and Rae is one of them...that goes for the movie "Step Brothers" too...

13. I hate people who quote movies.

14. I wish I could be a pirate, or at the very least, a pirate hooker.

15. I wish I could live in a pimped out treehouse, overlooking the ocean.


16. My girlfriend Emily is the best thing that's ever happened to me. She is everything I'm not and she keeps me grounded and sane...and no one has ever accomplished that bold feat. I love you.

17. I eat swearwords like candy.

18. I love my family dearly but hate living with them. Sorry. Before you get upset, remember you feel the same about me.

19. When I become a famous author, I can't wait to see who's going to come out of the woodwork. I have a very strong memory--like a sponge--and I won't forget those of you who have supported me since day 1 and I won't forget those of you who haven't.

20. I love the friends of mine who don't require constant communication to remain close.


21. There are only two people in this world who I give my utmost respect to with absolutely no questions asked. Period. It doesn't matter what they do or say, they will always be my #1. Mom and Dad Kelly. 'Nuff said.

22. I miss my family and friends back in WI and scattered elsewhere across the US...but am really glad we got a fresh start in FL...nothing but positive changes have happened for us.

23. I don't quite know how to say this, but I'm a pretty big deal. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich Mahogany.

24. I am a videogame junkie, but nothing stupid like war games or Final Fantasy 652. LAME.

25. I am offensive, critical, harsh, blunt, and very outspoken and most people don't like it...but don't forget, I am also kind, caring, thoughtful, funny, and charming. You gotta take the good with the bad people!

Like a baker's dozen, here's an extra:

26. Thinks you're all incredibly brave for reading this; And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible, with no emotional, intimate, sexual, or any other undertones that you could possibly infer.

PEACE OUT!!!

And The Award Goes To...

No, it's not as glorious as receiving an Oscar, or a Grammy, but damnit, as a blogger, it's the next best thing!

I received this award from the clever, witty, and often hilarious Dave Wills, someone I have never met in person, but honestly believe that if we did, we would do nothing but laugh and make fun of everyone and everything.

On his blog, Mark My Words, he writes the entry "I Lost My Virginity Last Weekend, "KC Kelly at The Other 98¢. Great comedic, funny and interesting opinions and stories on life, people, news and everything in between."
 
So, thanks Dave for the award and for thinking of me. Glad you enjoy my blog, as I do yours.



The rules for this award process are simple.
1. Copy the image.
2. Post in my blog.
3. Award seven other bloggers who should receive the award.
4. Make a list of ten creative things about myself.

NOMINEES:

1. Book Blog O' The Irish. I nominate Kathleen Kelly, A) because she's my mom and B) because she has a very interesting blog, which keeps her very busy and gets a lot of traffic.  Although her page and blog is in the process of changing, it is a book blog, primarily Irish and British books, but others as well.  She includes Irish history, giveaways, and is an official book reviewer.  Head on over and check it out! Love you Mom!

2.  Children of the 90's.  Self explanatory.  Genius. Hilarious. Anything and everything about the 90's, from popular TV shows to board games, to food and drink fads.  Best pop culture blog I have ever read.  Thanks for being so creative and reminding me how thankful I am to be a child of the 90's (best decade EVER).

3. 1,000 Words.  Awesome photography blog with the premise that a picture is worth a 1,000 words, but after looking through their photos and reading their blogs, their pictures are worth way more than that.  Brilliant photographers.

3.  Funny Word of The Day.  This blog is creative and points out weird and funny words in the English language, of which there are many.  She explains the word, the origins, and puts her own personal spin on the words.  Clever and always interesting to read.

4. Grumpy Old Twat.  This guy says anything and everything and knows no boundaries.  I praise him for being offensive, swearing, and putting his thoughts out there.  I am often like him, not afraid to speak my mind, but I usually get in trouble.  So, I share your sentiment "if you are easily offended by me and my friends, I suggest you fuck the fuck off". LOVE that mantra and think more people need to follow it rather than tiptoe around everyone.

5.  The Dirty Whore Handbook. This one can speak for itself.  Hilarious rules to follow for all you ladies who want to be a DW...don't think it's easy, because it's not. It is an art you have to learn and practice.

6. The Rest is Still Unwritten.    David doesn't consider himself a writer, but I highly disagree. Maybe he's not a novelist, or a poet, but he is a mighty fine blogger with a lot to say. His blog is clever, brilliant, and he is a very talented writer.  Think you need to redo your bio, my friend.  You are amazing.

7. 365 Days of People.  Clever, funny, blog featuring 365 days of people. His blog says "I Watch. I Judge. I Write. Here is the Proof."  He explores many types of people, from Asians to people who invade your space, and his writing is hilarious and often very, scarily, true.


Now that's done, here's the last part.

TENS
1.  I am a pretty rad cook, if I do say so myself.

2.  People think I'm judgmental, but I consider it simple honesty.

3.  One day, I will be on the New York Times Best Seller List, even if it's posthumously.

4.  I have a very eclectic taste in books and music.  One day, it's a murder mystery by James Patterson while listening to Kings of Leon to reading Jodi Picoult, listening to Tori Amos, all the way to reading British literature listening to Gaelic Storm.

5.  I'm obsessed with being Irish, and am damn proud of my roots.

6.  I would love to do stand up comedy with my amazing, hilarious best friend Rae, but we live world's apart, (she lives in the North Pole and I live in South Florida) and I'm not sure anyone outside of family and friends would actually find us that funny, although we are pretty spectacular.

7.  I am funny, despite what the previous entry says. I love to make people laugh.

8.  I have both my nipples pierced. There. I said it. Now everyone knows.  If I were to see you in person, I would probably show you too.

9.  I wish Chelsea Handler was on my MyFaves, that Kris Allen would sing to me every night before bed, and someone would bring back tight rolled jeans already!

10. I am obsessed with mullets. It's a love/hate thing. When I see someone sporting a mullet in public, I drop what I'm doing and stare, point, laugh, and am simply awestruck! I love learning knew names for mullets, and revisiting the old ones. I love classifying people's mullets when I am lucky enough to encounter them in the wild, and wish I had enough balls to sport the haircut, although my girlfriend would for sure dump my ass. Although I am the "man" in the relationship, doesn't mean I'm completely "butch", nor does it mean I could ever get away with a mullet, and if I did, I would only do it for one day, just to see what it felt like.

Salsa, Sangria, and South Beach

November is National Novel Writing Month, and for my first time ever, I am participating in NaNoWriMo.  I have 30 days to write a novel that is 50,000 words or more.  On average, I have to write 1,667 words per day if I am to meet my deadline.  Given that I will be out of town for about 4 days and moving to a new apt. for about 2 days in November, I have to kick it up a gear and write at least triple that each day.


For this challenge, I decided to approach "chick lit", a genre I used to read in college, but have outgrown as a reader.  For those of you who don't know, "chick lit" is like a "chick flick", but literature, which is a genre of women's fiction that is written and marketed for young and single working women in their 20's.  "Chick lit" often features professional, strong, and independent working women, mostly in the publishing, writing, law, and journalism fields.  It almost always takes place in large metropolitan areas like New York and London, and often makes use of sex, slang and multiple cliches.

Sex and the City is a great example of "chick lit", as well as any Red Dress Ink book on the market today.  Although these books are cliche and have common and often predicable story lines, they are still bestsellers.  People are saps for love stories with happy endings, especially single women in their 20's.


Below I have featured a short blurb for my story.  Keep in mind--it is subject to change as the novel writing process is fluid and constantly changing.  Yes, it is cliche. Yes, you have probably read books or seen movies with a similar storyline.  It is my job, however, to make it as original and clever as I possibly can.  If you were into reading "chick lit", and this blurb was on the back cover, I hope you would pick it up and buy the book.  Although this is still a synopsis, in 30 days, it will be a full novel. Wish me luck!!!

Salsa, Sangria, and South Beach

  

     Zoë Martin is a fierce and feisty Toronto reporter, who is assigned to a story that will either make or break her career, a challenge she has been waiting for years to take.  What she doesn't know is her personal life is about to break wide open when she uncovers the slimy truth about her fiancé Etienne. 

     Desperate for a fresh start, Zoë escapes her life in Toronto and follows her "snowbird" parents to South Beach for the winter.  Zoë spends the first two weeks locked away in their rented beach house, watching Lifetime movies and feeling sorry for herself, while her parents enjoy the sun, sand, and surf. 

     

After a surprise visit from her best friend Collette, Zoë is rejuvenated and finally heads out to explore and flaunt her newly single self.  Her very first day on the beach, she unluckily encounters a stingray and meets the South Florida sun and ultimately suffers both painful stings and severe sunburn.  Frustrated and in pain, Zoë cannot seem to catch a break...that is, until she meets a man who will change the way she approaches life, love, and everything in between.

    

Enter Sebastian Santiago, the sexy, irresistible lifeguard who administers first aid to Zoë's many wounds, and eventually administers healing powers through salsa dancing, sangria, and a late night rendezvous.

     After meeting Sebastian and living life the South Beach way, Zoë discovers herself in ways that shock and pleasantly surprise her.  Back in Toronto, she has unknowingly become a local celebrity from her scandal causing, career-making story, the same story that uncovered the truth about Etienne, and her boss Serge offers her a promotion she can’t refuse…When Etienne hears about her new zest for life and celeb status, he decides he wants her back and travels thousands of miles to prove it.  Will the new, relaxed, and spontaneous life Sebastian and South Beach have shown her be enough to make her stay, or will the promise of a brilliant career and a devoted husband tempt her into settling back into her once comfortable life?

Fausty Freeze

Today I entered a writing contest entitled "*Another* Another Faust Writing Contest".  My mom featured the link on her blog, and I couldn't resist.  I am no short story writer, and I've only entered maybe one or two poetry contests in my life.  My niche is novel writing, but this contest seemed interesting and last week, I wrote my story in two days.

This link to the contest is here, and my short story is featured below.  For those of you who did not check out the contest link, here's the contest details in a nutshell--write a story that deals with the Faustian bargain, which is simply making a deal with the devil.  Pop culture movies like The Little Mermaid, The Devil's Advocate, and Bedazzled all feature the "making a deal with the devil" motif. 

**Warning: This story was emailed and entered into the contest earlier this morning; it is now in the hands of Daniel and Dina (contest creators), so it would be pointless for you to even think about stealing it.  Create your own story.**

Please see below to read my short story.  Hope you enjoy!!!

Fausty Freeze

            Gone were the days of perpetual sun, sand, and surf.  Grilled hot dogs, corn on the cob, and crisp watermelon.  Sunset bike rides and baseball games.  Gone were the girls in their summer dresses and boys in their summer growth spurts. 

            Winter had now settled in.  The snow was already falling.  Lakes were already frozen over; animals were hibernating.  Children have brought out their sleds; adults their shovels.  Christmas decorations already hang from the eaves of every house, and carols can already be heard in the city square.

            Frank Faust hated winter.  He despised the bitter cold on the nape of his neck and crunching of the frozen snow beneath his boots.  He loathed the way he could see his breath every time he stepped outside, and hated the way the harshly cold wind would take away his breath. 

            Ironically, Frank lived in Winter Falls, Alaska, where summer was short and sweet, and winter was long and dreary.  No matter how hard he tried, he could not escape winter.  During the fleeting summer months, he thought if he stayed outside long enough, drank enough iced tea, and pedaled fast enough on his bike, the mythical weather gods would see how he enjoyed summer more than life itself, and would cut him a break.  Every year was just as, if not more, disappointing than the last.  Summer seemed to get shorter every year and winter seemed to creep in weeks too soon.

            Because Frank was an able bodied teenage boy, his mother made him offer his snow shoveling services to the senior citizens in town, help cut down and carry Christmas trees, and even participate in the annual Snow Ball, which was an event held in the town square every New Year's Eve.  Frank would grumble and mumble and swear under his breath, but he finally figured out it was just easier to go along with it than to fight it, so every year he swallowed his pride and hesitantly asked a couple girls to accompany him to the dance.

            It was no surprise Frank was rejected every winter, and always ended up escorting his mother to the ball.  He was a good-looking adolescent boy, strong facial features and a popular haircut.  Girls rejected Frank not because he wasn't nice, or cute, or friendly; they rejected him because he wore a bad attitude like a favorite outfit.  The girls in town worshipped him during the summer, with his bronzed skin and bleached blond hair, but ignored him in the winter, which was probably for the better.  It was as if a dark force overcame him in the winter months, and Frank knew he would be better off in hibernation.

            One night during dinner, a week before Christmas Eve, his mother reminded him about the Snow Ball, as if Frank would ever forget.

            "Have you got a date yet?" she asked, playing the same routine year after year.  Janet popped a baby carrot in her mouth, and forced a smile.

            "No. Do you?" Frank replied cruelly.  He wanted his words to hurt, just like his parents had hurt him.  It wasn't until looked at his mother and watched as her face went from pure shock, and then crumpled deep into itself in agony that Frank's mother had not had a date in years, not for lack of trying, but she had always put Frank's needs above her own.

            "Mom, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean that," he said quickly, as if his apology could erase the hurtful words that he spat from his mouth.

            "I won't stand for backtalk Frank.  It's spiteful and unnecessary," she said sharply, and her words sliced through him like a jagged piece of glass across a fleshy pear.  Frank swallowed hard and lowered his head.

            Frank and his mother ate the rest of dinner in silence.  Usually, she asked Frank to help her clean up the dishes, but that night was different.  Janet wept as she washed each plate, and Frank watched her struggle with keeping her tears out of sight.  Eventually, he retired to his room, but could hear his mother's quiet, forlorn sobbing. 

            Every year as the Snow Ball approached, his mother would get weepy.  The holidays always made her weepy.  Frank's father had left on Christmas Eve when he was just four years old, to start a new life with a new wife.  The holiday season crushed Janet's spirit, but the Snow Ball always seemed to revive it.

            That night as he lay in bed, Frank mumbled a weak prayer, to anyone who would listen.

            "Please make winter go away.  Please make winter go away.  Please make winter go away.  I'll do anything," Frank repeated, over and over again, until he eventually fell asleep.

            The following morning, Frank engaged in his typical morning routine.  It was the last day of school before Christmas break; a day during which most kids could barely contain themselves, but Frank dreaded it.  He looked outside and as usual, his prayers were unanswered.  Winter was still here, and it appeared as if it had even snowed several inches overnight. 

            Frustrated, Frank stormed out of the house and headed toward the bus stop.  To his surprise, there was a man standing there.  Winter Falls had hardly any crime, but Frank couldn't shake the creepy feeling he had as he approached the stranger.

            "Good morning," he muttered in an attempt to be friendly, and also to stop his teeth from chattering.

            "Hello Frank," the man replied, staring at him confidently.  The man wore a freshly pressed black suit, a red tie, and had a thin mustache.  Apparently he was unaware that it was below zero degrees, and seemed to not mind. 

            "How do you know my name?" Frank asked the stranger, backing up a few steps.

            "Don't be alarmed," said the stranger in a voice that sounded hundreds of years old, a voice that invoked feelings of fear in Frank's gut.  He was certain he was about to get mugged or murdered, although that seemed like a stretch.

            "Um, no.  And you're creeping me out.  You mind leaving?" Frank asked honestly, figuring he had nothing to lose by being rude.  Ignoring him was not an option, so being blunt was the next best thing.

            "You can't stand winter, can you?" the man asked self assuredly. 

            Frank stood in astonishment that the stranger was relentless, then eventually shook his head and licked his dry, cracking lips.  Even his lips couldn't stand winter.

            "I have a bargain for you."

            Frank was afraid, yet intrigued.  Something about the confident way the man spoke fascinated Frank, although his senses were still trying to attach to the correct emotion.  Was it fear or curiosity Frank was feeling?

            "If it's money you want, I don't have any.  On me, I mean," Frank stuttered the first thing that came to his mouth.

            "I don't want your money.  I want to make a deal."

            Frank was shaking at this point, partly due to the frigid Alaskan winter air, and partly because the man's presence was overwhelming.

            "What kind of deal?" asked Frank.  The man leered at him, a half smile forming in the corner of his mouth.  Just then, the bus pulled up.  Frank glanced at his bus driver, held up his index finger signaling to wait just a moment, and he turned back to where the man was standing.

            Except the man was gone.  Frank twirled around several times on the snow, looking in almost every direction, until the bus driver honked loudly and opened the door.

            "Get on the bus!" the bus driver shouted.  As the bus peeled away, Frank looked desperately out the window for any sign of the strange man.  He was nowhere to be found.

            The rest of the day at school, Frank was distracted.  He wondered if the man had been a dream, or at the very least, a hallucination.

            During lunch, as his friends bragged about their new skis and sleds and vacation plans for Christmas break, Frank sat in silence, struggling to make sense of the strange man and his "bargain".

            On the bus ride home, Frank was ready to chalk up the entire experience as a delusion, one that he was more than prepared to put behind him for good.  When the bus stopped, Frank stepped off and started his half-mile trek home. 

            As he turned the corner onto his street, he heard someone whisper his name.  Frank stopped dead in his tracks, and glanced around furiously.  Was it happening again? Was this yet another hallucination?

            He suddenly felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and as he slowly turned around, he discovered exactly why.

            "Hello Frank."

            "Whoa!!! Who the hell are you?" Frank yelped, and was immediately embarrassed for the girlish tone of his voice.

            "I wouldn't use the word 'hell' loosely like that if I were you," he said ambiguously.  "And you can call me Damien." 

            Frank took a few steps backwards, shuttered, then walked briskly down the road.  His house was in view, and he had never been so excited to see it before in his life.

            "I didn't ask to be here Frank.  You summoned me," the man said matter-of-factly.  He was still wearing the black suit, and looked exactly the same as he had this morning.

            "What are you talking about?" Frank mumbled under his breath.

            "Last night.  You prayed for winter's end," the strange man announced, and Frank stopped walking.  In the bitter cold, the memory of last night came to him in a whirlwind.  But I don't even believe in God, Frank thought to himself.

            "You don't have to believe in God to believe in me," the man said, surprising Frank. 

            His eyes got huge and his heart started pounding.  "How did you...I didn't say that out loud!" he yelled, then took off running.  This had to be a bad dream.  His feet pounding the hard snow, Frank willed himself to wake up and snap out of this dreadful hallucination.

            Out of breath when Frank finally reached his house, Frank put his hands on his knees and breathed in the harsh, cold air.  He looked behind him and was relieved to see the man had not followed him home. 

            "Are you ready to bargain yet?" the man sneered, standing on the front step.  Frank was so startled that he fell backwards into a pile of snow, and cursed loudly.  The man reached out to help him out, but Frank ignored the offer.

            "If that's what will make you disappear, then YES!!!" he finally agreed, brushing snow off the seat of his jeans.  There was no point in trying to escape this man.  He was around every corner; in front of and behind Frank.  He dropped his book bag on the ground, crossed his arms in defiance, and glared at the man.

            "I can give you summer.  Forever," the man began.  Obviously Frank thought the man was crazy.

            "Where? Here? Or in Florida?" Frank joked.  Maybe it was Frank who was crazy.  Either way, he was going to play along.

            "No.  Here.  I can give you an Alaskan summer forever, where the sun never sets and the air is as fresh as the day is long."

            This piqued Frank's interest.

            "What's the catch?" Frank questioned the man. 

            "You must sabotage the Snow Ball by six o'clock in the evening on New Year's Eve.  If you fail to do so, you have just bought yourself a lifetime of winter," the man explained. 

            Frank toyed with the idea.  It might be difficult to sabotage a highly regarded annual event, but Frank was up for the challenge. He stood there, contemplating the offer, when the stranger interrupted his thoughts.

            "Let me warn you that once you agree, a deal is a deal.  There will be no turning back, no changing your mind.  This is a bargain that will never be undone," he warned ominously. 

            After a few moments of reflection, Frank extended his hand towards the man, an offering to seal the deal.  The stranger studied his face for several moments, before accepting the handshake.

            Frank spent the next week researching and making plans for his master sabotage.  He thought of everything from arson, to a bomb threat, to kidnapping, and discovered he was incapable of committing any crime.

            Christmas came and went, a quiet celebration in the Faust house.  Frank and his mother exchanged a few presents, a couple sweaters, hats, gloves, and new boot, the same as every year.  Nothing he could use in the summer; just the winter.  For the millionth time in his life, he felt defeated.

            The night before the Snow Ball, Frank still had not devised a scheme to sabotage the ball.  This was turning out to be more difficult than he had anticipated.  Even worse, the snow was continuing to fall, and the water was still frozen over. A skier's dream, a skater's fantasy, was actually Frank's nightmare that he prayed he would escape from soon.

            He gave up and headed to the kitchen for a snack.  Being devious had made Frank extremely hungry.  Frank grabbed an apple from the table, and watched his mother roll out fresh cookie dough, and cut holiday shapes in preparation for the party before the Snow Ball.

            Janet Faust lived for the Snow Ball, and looked forward to it every year.  Frank was convinced it gave his mother a renewed sense in romance, if only for one night, and that true love actually does exist.  Because he loved his mother, Frank bit his tongue when she asked his opinion about what kind of punch to make, or what dress she should wear every year. 

            Normally, Frank just smiled and nodded, but this year as his mother talked about the Snow Ball, he felt sick to his stomach because he was going to sabotage the one time of year his mother was truly happy.

            With a sated appetite, Frank felt refreshed, yet uneasy and returned to his room to continue planning, although he had barely started.  He closed his bedroom door and saw an instant message flashing on his computer screen.

            "24 hours," the message read in thick, red writing.  Of course, there was no name or a reply button, but Frank knew exactly whom the message was from.

            Frank stayed up all night, and it wasn't until the wee hours of the morning that he finally devised a plan guaranteed destruction of the Snow Ball.  If he could pull it off, summer would be here for good.  If he failed, he would be trapped in this winter nightmare.           

            Sunlight was fading, and the Snow Ball would commence in two short hours.  Frank put on his suit and combed his hair back to better blend in, and headed downstairs to execute his scheme.  He drew no attention to himself, and no one suspected anything.

            Frank's scheme involved sabotaging the ball, but he wasn't going to destroy the venue, the food, the DJ, or even the ball itself.  No, he was going to start at home.  What's a ball if no one shows up?

            As Frank looked around the living room, he noticed people were already starting to grab their coats and were getting ready to head downtown for the Snow Ball.  It was now or never.

            He quickly walked to the back of the house where the security alarm panel was located.  After Frank's father left, his mother had installed a security system since they had no man and no dog to protect them.  Barely noticing, he had bumped into Damien, and he was wearing the same suit with the same red tie.

            "Time's almost up Frank," he stated seriously, tapping his wristwatch.  Frank was instantly flustered.  In order to execute his plan, he needed to take action immediately.  Frank looked around the house one last time, and noticed only a few people had left.  He shrugged it off because the majority is what counted.

            Of course, Damien had disappeared once again, but in his place he found his mother, who was smiling diamonds and looked stunning in her slimming black dress, her hair done perfectly.  But there was something that distracted Frank from his plan.  It wasn't necessarily his mother; it was that she was talking to a man.  Rather, she was flirting with the attractive ski instructor named Jack, the same instructor his friends bragged about and the girls fawned over.

            With his hand on the security alarm panel, ready to shut it off, which would lock everyone in the house and bring him closer to his dream of destroying winter forever, Frank watched his mother and Jack closely.

            He watched his mother's grin light up her face like the downtown Christmas tree as Jack asked her to the Snow Ball, an invitation which she humbly accepted.  Janet had shown many expressions throughout Frank's existence, but this one was brand new to him. 

            It was then Frank made his decision.

            Promptly, at six o'clock, the clock tower bells chimed, signifying the start of the Snow Ball.

            "Time's up Frank," Damien stated, standing in front of Frank, who sat on the front steps of his house, looking up into the clear, cloudless black winter sky.

            "I guess I'll just have to get used to this," Frank said, exhaling loudly. 

            Without winter, there would be no Snow Ball, and with no Snow Ball, Frank's mother would never again smile the way she did tonight.  Although Frank was cold, he wasn't cold-hearted. 

            "Goodbye summer," he whispered mournfully, and a harsh wind skated across Frank's face as if to remind him of his bargain, and he knew what he had sacrificed wasn't nearly as significant as what he had just saved.