MexiTexaForniaZonaNewMexico

This new Arizona immigration law has not only heated up the Arizona desert, but the rest of the nation as well.

Recently, Gov. Jan Brewer of Arizona signed the nation’s toughest bill on illegal immigration. Its aim is to identify, prosecute, and deport illegal immigrants.

It's about damn time someone takes control of this problem.  Let me just say that I have no problem with foreigners coming to America; but what I don't like is when they are not US citizens and receive more welfare and benefits that people born on US soil.  Most Americans have been immigrants at one point or another, but for most Americans, that was hundreds of years ago and the dynamics of our country have changed and it's time to recognize that. Not everyone can come and go in America as they please, treating our country like a hotel.

President Obama thinks the Arizona law threatens “to undermine basic notions of fairness that we cherish as Americans, as well as the trust between police and our communities that is so crucial to keeping us safe.”

According to NYTimes.com, "The law, which proponents and critics alike said was the broadest and strictest immigration measure in generations, would make the failure to carry immigration documents a crime and give the police broad power to detain anyone suspected of being in the country illegally. Opponents have called it an open invitation for harassment and discrimination against Hispanics regardless of their citizenship status."

The law requires police officers, “when practicable,” to detain people they reasonably suspect are in the country without authorization and to verify their status with federal officials, unless doing so would hinder an investigation or emergency medical treatment. It also makes it a state crime — a misdemeanor — to not carry immigration papers. In addition, it allows people to sue local government or agencies if they believe federal or state immigration law is not being enforced. 

While police demands of documents are common on subways, highways and in public places in some countries, including France, Arizona is the first state to demand that immigrants meet federal requirements to carry identity documents legitimizing their presence on American soil.  And I agree with this law 100%.  If I, an American, am required to carry ID on me at all times (not necessarily required but highly recommended), why shouldn't immigrants? What's the point of a green card or a visa if you're not going to carry it? Pretty sure they make wallet size documentation that fits easily into your pocket.

I wonder...how is it different for immigrants to surrender their citizenship papers when asked by police, than it is for me if I went to the Bahamas on a cruise and they demanded to see my papers before I could step foot on the island? Seems the same theory to me. If you're a legal citizen in one country and immigrate to another, then you should have to show proper papers.  Period. Whether you're in another country to visit, to work, to attend school, or to live, you should always be required to have ID and surrender it when asked by law enforcement.

Many people worry this law will lead to racial profiling, something that exists anyways. The law "may" lead to racial profiling, "may" being the operative key word here. What about the fact that racial profiling already exists? I don't condone it; it's a fact of life. I understand it might be annoying to a person who is Hispanic and was born on American soil. I would be irritated if I got pulled over and was asked for ID all the time, even though I was born here in America and happened to have Mexican ancestry. I get that.  But, if I were to go to Chad, Africa, people would wonder if I were a citizen too. So, does that mean it's racial profiling? Not quite.

With that said, I don't blame you Arizona citizens who are of Mexican heritage and were born in America. Not one bit.  But, as an American, don't you want your freedom, benefits, home, and borders protected? Racial profiling already exists in every city, in every state, in every country, not just Arizona, United States; if you want to argue and stand up against racial profiling, just focusing on the Arizona Immigration Law will not get you anywhere...racial profiling runs much deeper than that.

Governer Brewer acknowledges the critics' concerns but says racial profiling will not be tolerated and that we have to trust our law enforcement.  Isn't that what we're encouraged to do anyway? Who do you call when there's been a crime? A threat of violence? A tragic accident? You call your local law enforcement and we're taught to trust them as public service agents. Granted, a lot of cops can be shady, but the majority of them are good and won't abuse the system.  They're here to protect us and if that means that Arizona cops are legally required to ask someone for their papers, then so be it. People just need to get over it.  If you act like you have something to hide, chances are you probably do. So to avoid getting caught, don't hide. If you want to be an American citizen, do the leg work.

If anything, this law might discourage foreigners from sneaking into this country, reaping the benefits that should belong to actual American citizens. If you want to come here so badly, learn our history, learn our language, and learn our customs and take the citizen test and become a citizen.  Otherwise, go back home.

I'd be expected to do the same thing in any other country, so why is America different? I think people are more upset about the possibility of losing cheap labor (gardeners, maids, construction workers) and politicians losing possible votes for the next elections more than they're concerned about anything else.

I think the goal of this law is to protect America and its citizens. Look at all the drug smuggling, human trafficking, and violence on the American/Mexican border throughout the years! Something needs to be done because clearly, Border Patrol isn't doing enough.

Seriously...the minute someone finds out about a law they can complain about, all hell breaks loose.  Especially when it involves one of three things, or even all three. 1. Race. 2. Religion. 3. Homosexuality.  This is another one of those things people love to complain about.  Boo fucking hoo. People are making too big of a deal about this law when they should simply step back and say "is it a big deal that a cop asks a Mexican for ID? The same cop would ask me for ID". I've been asked for ID more times in my life than I care to count and I would surrender it in a heartbeat in America or any other country. It's our right to know who is here legally and who is not.

And this is not about bigotry either...if it were, why haven't more states enacted a law like this one? Why just Arizona? There are far more racist and prejudice states in the union than Arizona. See Missisippi.

I think there are more important things to worry about in American than whether or not an immigration law will lead to racial profiling, which seems to be the main concern.  I certainly don't condone racial profiling, nor do I approve of prejudice and hate crimes. I also don't approve of many of the American laws (gay marriage being illegal to start) but I just don't think this bill is that bad.  Let's just get over it so we can focus our attention on a more important matter...our dependence on oil and the havoc it's wreaking on this Earth. See: Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

Oh...one more thing. No matter who passes what bill, no one will ever be satisfied. Such is the nature of government. 

The Anti-Gay States of America

Constance McMillen wants nothing more than to attend her senior prom with her date at Itawamba Agricultural High School in Mississippi...but there is one hang up.

She wants to wear a tuxedo and Constance wants to attend her senior prom with the person she loves.  She doesn't see a problem with it, do you?  If everyone else could bring their significant others, why couldn't she?

The school district thought otherwise.  Instead of having an open mind, last week officials circulated fliers that said students could not bring same sex dates.

Luckily, the ACLU has gotten involved.  When McMillen and a lawyer from the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) gave the school district a deadline to rescind the ruling, the school board on Wednesday voted to cancel the prom rather than abide by McMillen’s wish.

I want to know what harm it will do to the school district, teachers, students, and the community if Constance wants to bring a same-sex date.  Really? We're not past this yet?  This is just the thing the South needs to end deep rooted prejudice in that area of the country.  More liberal places like Los Angeles and Miami, students are allowed to bring same sex dates.  Prom should be universal.  To me, it's a school dance where people bring dates, dance, and have a blast.  So because a student is gay, she shouldn't be allowed to participate in something so significant to a high school student as a prom?  What is wrong with The "United" States of America where a school district refuses to allow this?

The school district should crack down more threatening issues like drugs, weapons, hate crimes, bullying, hazing, etc., instead of wasting it's time on prejudice against a gay student.  How many school shooters are gay? How many bullies are gay?  How many gay students are violent?  My guess--very few.  How many straight students are bullies, violent, druggies, and worse? My guess--more than we'd care to imagine.

Being gay is not a crime.  Being prejudiced is.

I wonder how many people in the school district and how many teachers and parents involved in this prejudiced decision have Melissa Etheridge on their iPods and sing along, or how many of them DVR "Ellen" on a regular basis and laugh...or how many of them watch and enjoy "Will and Grace" reruns on TV. If the same people involved in this decision are guilty of the above, then they are hypocrites.

The Christian Science Monitor explained that on Thursday, the ACLU filed a lawsuit in US district court, charging that school officials violated McMillen's free speech rights when they told her they would enforce the district's policy requiring prom dates to be of the opposite sex.

The message this sends to the future generations of this country is instead of allowing a gay couple attend a prom, everyone gets punished by having the school district cancel the prom.  How is it fair for anyone?  Why are people so upset if there is a same-sex couple at the prom? Don't these people think that the two women they see shopping together in the grocery store could be lesbians?  Or a respected male doctor or lawyer has a boyfriend?

Because the school district canceled the prom on account of a same-sex couple, Constance fears for retailiation from her fellow students and is afraid to go back to school.  Students may be angry that they don't get to attend their prom because of her--but the real issue is they aren't allowed to attend the prom because the school district is prejudiced.  It's a shame that someone who stands up for what she believes in is afraid of retaliation and could be a victim of a hate crime.  I think she should be praised and commended for her bravery and willingness to put herself under such scrutiny just to attend a high school prom.

According to CNN.com, "I never thought the school would try to cancel the prom and hurt everyone just to keep me and my girlfriend from going together," McMillen said in an ACLU news release. "A lot of people have made really generous offers to pay for a prom somewhere else, which I really appreciate. But all I've ever wanted was to be able to just go to my own school's prom with my girlfriend."

Also, according to The Christian Science Monitor, when McMillen expressed a desire to wear a tuxedo to the prom, the district superintendent told her only male students were allowed to wear them, according to court documents.  Superintendent Teresa McNeece also told McMillen that she and her girlfriend could be ejected from the prom if other students complained about their presence, according to the documents.

I cannot commend this brave young woman enough for standing up for what she believes in and for who she is. If anyone should be prohibited from going to prom are the prom crashers, or kids who do drugs or are prone to violent behavior.  But no, no one stops them.  As long as they bring an opposite sex date, they're invited right in.  

I am ashamed of my fellow Americans.  This is 2010.  This is the time to start accepting gay people into society because we're not going anywhere.  Just because I choose to live my life with another woman, and love a woman instead of a man, does not make me any less human, any less American, or any less entitled to the same rights as everyone else.  The same for this 18-year old young woman and any other person who chooses a same sex partner.

I have an amazing girlfriend myself.  One day, I hope to marry her because we really have an great life together.  I can't imagine being with anyone else and I'm lucky as hell to have her.  Shouldn't that take priority over the fact that we're a same sex couple?  Shouldn't people who genuinely care about each other and are honest and fair and contribute to the betterment of society be accepted? We're accepted some places, in some states, but for a country that was based on unity, it sure as hell feels more divided than ever.

If the school district had just given this couple a chance to attend the prom and taken a chance to see how other students reacted, maybe they would have learned a thing or two.  Maybe there would have been retaliation or maybe some kids would have reacted with insulting words and actions.  But maybe, just maybe, this is what a conservative Southern school needs--to push for change and expect the best.  If you never try, nothing will ever be accomplished.

So for you Constance, high school prom is a big deal now, but standing up for yourself and your rights will always be a big deal.  It's people like you, especially at your age, who push for change and refuse to give up.  It's people like you who confront the prejudiced and hypocrites in this country and demand a fair chance. 

Constance, I hope after all this hard work, you actually get the opportunity to enjoy your senior prom.  And I hope you look beautiful in your tuxedo.

**McMillen image courtesy of The Christian Science Monitor**

Frequent Fatty Fliers

Lately, there's been a lot of hubbub about extremely overweight travelers having to purchase two plane tickets in order to fly and accommodate their large size...and they're not happy about it.

If you've ever been on an airplane sitting next to someone who is pushing 350, you know what it's like to contort your body into a pretzel shape in an already crammed seat.  Although I think airline companies lack tact and compassion with this rule, I have to say I agree with it.

I have absolutely nothing against fat people by any means, but when it starts to affect my life, then we're gonna have some words.  I have sat next to large people on planes and although I'm a nugget, that doesn't mean that it's okay for you to share some of my seat.  I stay out of your $300 space, so stay out of mine.

If you want to fly but are so heavy that you bulge out of your seat into someone else's seat, you should have to pay for that extra baggage! That's just the way it is.  As harsh and cruel as it may seem to the overweight person, it's only fair and logical.  No one wants to be stuck in the middle seat as it is, let alone with someone whose arms and belly are practically in your lap the entire flight!

This issue has made headlines again with Kevin Smith, the popular film director whose resume includes films like "Mallrats" and "Clerks".  Smith was kicked off a Southwest flight because of his size, but he claims he had no problem buckling his seatbelt or lowering his armrests, two of the requirements for every passenger.  The airline's policy states, "If a customer cannot comfortably lower the armrest and infringes on a portion of another seat, a customer seated adjacent would be very uncomfortable and a timely exit from the aircraft in the event of an emergency might be compromised if we allow a cramped, restricted seating arrangement."

According to an article on CNN.com, Smith says "Dude, I know I'm fat...That's not why I was truly thrown off that plane because I fit perfectly in the seat...I am not fat enough to eject off a Southwest flight."  Smith actually suspects he was bumped by an airline employee who did not like his comic films, which include "Zach and Miri Make a Porno," "Clerks" and the upcoming "Cop Out."

First of all Kevin, I highly doubt there is a conspiracy against you or your work, so much so that an airline employee would see you on the flight and say "hmm...I hated 'Jersey Girl' so damn much, how can I seek revenge against Kevin Smith for the 2 hours of my life that was wasted from watching that dumb movie? Oh, I know. He's fat, and it just so happens the airline I work for has this policy...yep, I'm gonna toss his fat ass right off this plane."

Right.

Well, apparently Smith's goal is to force Southwest to change the way they deal with overweight passengers.  I can agree with that. Being fat comes with a stigma, and airlines are among the rest of society's bullies.  But I also agree with Southwest and any other airline who implements this policy.  How is it fair for the fattest person onboard to take up 50% of my seat, a seat I spent hundreds of dollars on? The overweight person should help me incur some of these costs, or just purchase a second seat because they're taking it up anyway?

And if it's such a huge deal (pun intended) for these heavyweights to purchase a second seat, why don't they stop and think to buy a business or a first class seat? We all know those seats are a lot bigger, roomier, and they're usually only two on each side, versus three.

Basically, these heavy passengers who would purchase two economy seats to accommodate their weight could purchase one first class ticket for approximately the same price, be the first to board and exit the plane, and get complimentary beverages and warm towels!

The way I see it, you have 3 options. 
1. Buy the two economy tickets
2. Buy a first class ticket
3. Buy a gym membership instead of that second ticket and the problem will literally solve itself within a year's time...or less if you become a contestant on the Biggest Loser

Canadian Coyotes

Seems like coyotes and the music industry have been colliding quite frequently these days. First, it was with Jessica Simpson and her dog, which she believes was "taken" by coyotes. Obviously she doesn't understand the difference between "taken" and "eaten".

In recent news, coyotes attacked again! Except this time, it wasn't a pet dog they killed; it was a Canadian singer. No, sorry folks, it's not Shania Twain, as much as we would all love that.

The victim this time was Taylor Mitchell, a Canadian folk singer, who was only 19. According to CNN.com, she "was killed by coyotes this week in a national park in Nova Scotia...she was at the beginning of the Skyline Trail in Cape Breton Highlands National Park on Tuesday afternoon when she was attacked". 

Of course, this is a sad situation.  When you think how you're going to die, and don't lie, we all think about it once in a while, you definitely don't picture yourself being attacked by coyotes, especially at the ripe young age of 19.

What's puzzling about this article isn't how Taylor is the only person to have been attacked by coyotes in this park, or even that a young, talented artist was killed.  What I don't understand is the lack of common sense these park rangers have when wondering how coyotes could have possibly attacked someone?

In the article, there are several statements regarding the puzzling nature of this attack.  Chip Bird, the Parks Canada field unit superintendent for Cape Breton, said "A pathologist will test the animal's body for diseases that might have triggered the attack".  Save the money and resources Chip; I'll tell you what you need to know.  Coyotes attacked because they're WILD FUCKING ANIMALS AND HUMANS INVADE THEIR ENVIRONMENT!!!

This douche then goes on to say how the search for other aggressive animals in the park continues. Seriously? Of course you will find other "aggressive" animals in the park; park=outside; outside=wild/aggressive animals.  Bird also goes on to say how public safety is their primary concern, which is great and true, but then he says "that animal was killed because of "lack of fear".  NO SHIT!!! Of course coyotes aren't fearful...they're wild, untamed, unafraid carnivores...

Perhaps the most ironic and disturbing part of this whole incident, is the common sense Taylor's mother shows in wake of the worst tragedy a mother can ever encounter...her daughter has just been killed by a wild animal while hiking in a park, and she gives a statement to the press that totally counteracts response to this attack.

Emily Mitchell, Taylor's mother, makes a statement in which she says, "We take a calculated risk when spending time in nature's fold -- it's the wildlife's terrain. When the decision had been made to kill the pack of coyotes, I clearly heard Taylor's voice say, 'please don't, this is their space.' She wouldn't have wanted their demise, especially as a result of her own. She was passionate about animals, was an environmentalist, and was also planning to volunteer at the Toronto Wildlife Centre in the coming months."

So, Taylor Mitchell, a talented musician was also an environmentalist? Well, that explains what she was doing hiking solo in this park. But the fact that her mother is probably right in that Taylor would not have wanted the animals to be hurt, we humans do what we always do--we destroy whatever hurts us, inconveniences us, or what doesn't work for us...and in this case, it was a couple wild coyotes.

Next time these coyotes encounter a musician in their park, I pray to every God in this universe that it's Celine Dion.  Just looking at her pisses me off and makes me want to pound nails into my temple. I won't even be that upset if they take down Terri Clark's redneck ass.  Just don't take Alanis.

True Blood vs. Twilight

True Blood just finished it's second season on HBO; New Moon (the movie) is set to come out in November. Which series is better? Well, I have an opinion about that!

Normally vampires do absolutely nothing for me. Vampire books, vampire movies, vampire games...nope, nothing. I could blame the horrendous movie/show "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" for that, or even Every once in a while, my mom will send me a book, or introduce me to a new author, and since my mom is a very avid reader with an amazing book collection, 99% of the time I trust her judgment when she says "You'd like this book" or "You'd really like this author".

One of these events happened a few years ago, when she introduced me to Charlaine Harris, who is the author of the Sookie Stackhouse novels. I believe as of right now, Charlaine has written 9 novels, 7 of which I have read so far. They are targeted for all audiences, but primarily adult fiction readers.

Sookie Stackhouse is a barmaid and a telepath who encounters Bill the vampire, who is the first vampire to come to Bon Temps, LA after the vampires "come out of the coffin". Of course there's the token "boy next door", who is in love with Sookie, but since he's her boss, she never reciprocates the feelings. Sure, once in a while they have a heated moment and may share a kiss or two, but she is really interested in Bill because for once in her life, she can concentrate and have a blank mind around him; her telepathy is at rest around vampires.

What ensues after meeting Bill is a series of tragic deaths, unfortunate incidents, and wild discoveries. The "Dead" series is full of blood, violence, sex, mystery, intrigue, and extremely attractive characters, both living and dead.

These books are great; so great, Alan Ball (Six Feet Under) and HBO teamed up to create one of the newest, freshest vampire shows of all time, "True Blood". Keep in mind though, that the events in the Sookie books are sometimes ignored or rewritten for the TV show, which is "based" on the novels. In both, however, TruBlood is a synthetic blood, created by the Japanese, so vampires could assimilate into society without being so violent. Of course, there are strays, just as in any society, but for the most part, these vampires are just dead people wanting the company of life.

Although my mom gave/bought me these Sookie books, she did not introduce me to the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I had heard from numerous other people that her 4-book vampire series was fresh, modern, and just amazing. Plus, her books were plastered all over the bookstores, and there was even a movie scheduled to come out. I figured I should read them, see what all the fuss is about.

Stephanie Meyer introduces Isabella Swan, who has recently moved to Forks, WA and soon discovers her life is about to change once she meets the hunk of the school, Edward Cullen. But, Edward is a bit unusual, and seems to be angry and ignore Bella when they first meet. One day, Edward finally can be around Bella and she discovers it's because he is a vampire and craves human blood. Being the likeable stud he is, he prefers to drink animal blood instead of human blood.



Like any good love story, there's always the boy who always gets the girl, and the boy who almost gets the girl. Jacob Black is a Native American living on a reservation, and his father has been friends with Bella's father for years. They hadn't seen each other in years and when Bella moves back, they rekindle their relationship. Obviously, Jacob is attracted to Bella because she is everything a boy could want, wrapped up nice and neat. But, she is googly eyed over Edward, and treats Jacob as just a friend.

Within the span of four books, Cullen family, along with Bella and Jacob Black and their respective families, also encounter a series of mishaps, tragic circumstances, and intriguing situations. The books are well written, and are considered young adult fiction.

To me, these two authors are equally as good, and awesomely creative. They both have their pros and cons, and It's difficult to compare the two series, mainly because they belong to the same genre, but just a different age category. Edward and Bella have a PG relationship, as do the other characters in Twilight; whereas Sookie and Bill have mind boggling sexual relations, as well as the other characters in the book. Jason Stackhouse, Sookie's brother, is a modern day man whore, and has a body to die for.

The characters in the Sookie novels are more complex, and come with way more surprises than the flat/dull characters in Twilight. I find Jacob Black to be the most intriguing Twilight character, because he is mysterious and has depth. Maybe it's because he's Native American, or maybe it's just his dark looks, but there's more to him than meets the eye, similar to Sam Merlotte in the Sookie novels, although Sam is a playful, plain cute guy, but who has surprises of his own.

In my opinion, Bella should have fallen in love with Jacob, which she almost did until Edward came back into her life, and I think Bella and Edward forming a marriage and having an alien type baby that almost kills her was the easy way out. The readers saw it coming, and it was no surprise that Bella would become a vampire. Duh. I saw that coming just by reading the back cover of Twilight.

Harris one ups Meyer in her novels, because although the heroine, Sookie, does fall for the vampire, there is so much more to it than that. She falters with Sam, Eric, and other people in the novels. In fact, she and Bill are barely a couple after the first two books, as they encounter problems and go their separate ways, while still being a part of each other's lives. The complexity of this story showcases Harris' more mature writing style and ability to continuously surprise the writer.

So far, there are only two Twilight movies, the first one last year and the second one coming out this year. I personally think the movies are better than the books, only because I'm a fan of Kristin Stewart, especially in "In The Land of Women" and "Panic Room", and also they couldn't have picked a better person for the role of Jacob Black.

My least favorite characters in the movie are Carlisle Cullen, played by Peter Facinelli, who also happens to be that jock-tool from "Can't Hardly Wait", and Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, better known as Cedric Diggory from the Harry Potter series. In spite of some rather poor casting choices, the Twilight movie caught my attention far more than the series of books, although I thought the second novel was the best out of all four.

There have only been two seasons of True Blood, despite Harris having written 9 books total. The series is edgy, exciting, and leaves viewers thirsty for more, pun intended. The casting is amazing, especially Ryan Kwanten, who plays Jason Stackhouse and is a HOT Australian actor who somehow manages a Southern Accent for the series, and of course, Anna Paquin, better known as "Rogue" from the X-Men movies. Perfect cast, awesome script, bloody good show!

I would place money on Bill Compton beating Edward Cullen's "vegetarian vampire" ass anyday, and Bella ain't got shit on Sookie; that and Bella wouldn't win the fight, since Sookie could read her mind. At the end of the day, Edward is a pussy who gives in and makes Bella a vampire, and somehow they go from kissing, to having a baby, who they name "Renesmee", the STUPIDEST combination of names I've ever heard! Shame on you Stephanie Meyer for that stupid name! Bill Compton is a Southern gentleman who is practically a superhero the way he can fight, feed, and fuck, and there is NO way in hell either Sookie or Bill would agree to name a child something that stupid!

Harris has her vampires living out in the open; Meyer keeps her vampires hidden, ashamed of who they are. Harris' vamps glamour people; Meyer's vamps "sparkle"; Harris creates a fictional town, known as Bon Temps, LA where as Meyer picks an actual small town in Washington. Harris has 9 books, and probably counting; Meyer has 4.

I'm just saying...it should be obvious what the better choice is...Charlaine Harris and her Sookie books, as well as Alan Ball/HBO and the True Blood series DEFINITELY win. Why do I think that? Because I write so...

Thanks for reading but now, I'm going to allow Kanye West to interrupt/end my blog.

Jon and Eight MINUS Kate and Her Horrible Haircut

If you live in America, and have access to cable/internet/or people, you are well aware that a normal, American family, known as The Gosselins, are now major celebrities. Why? Good question. At first, it was because Kate pumped out a set of twins and then sextuplets, births that shouldn't have happened but thanks to modern medicine and money, here the world is with more babies. After appearing on NBC, Discovery Health, and finally TLC, the TV world has been graced with their story.

Never once have I had any desire to watch any show about this family, not even after all the hubbub with their impending divorce. As embarrassed as I am to say this, I have caught an episode or two in the last few years. Please remember it was only a few episodes, so I am by no means an expert on this family. But, like everyone else, I have an opinion.

Kate, is it important that you nagged on your husband until you verbally castrated him? Not really. Does it matter that your kids will grow up and hate both of you, for putting them on national TV and then causing more rumors than Lady GaGa being a hermaphrodite? Absolutely. But none of this is nearly as important as this...

Kate, although you're a retched bitch and you're lucky that Jon stayed with you as long as he did, you just have a stupid haircut. This is the real issue here people! Did you have Edward Scissorhands chop up your hair in 84 different locations, spike it with an 8oz bottle of hair gel, then spray it with hairspray, and call it a day? Or did the interns at the Aveda Institute take you seriously when you said you like it longer in the front, and shorter in the back, or the likes of a backwards mullet?

Well, it's taken about a decade but you finally realized it is high time for a haircut. But, upon further inspection, I have to ask; is this really a new haircut, or is it simply a trick of the eye? Have you pulled a Chris Angel and forced us to get distracted by your crimped, overly long bangs, hanging over her eyes, meanwhile the same chopped butch haircut is still displayed on your head?

Nice try Kate, but I'm onto you. I can still see the short spikes in the back. You're not fooling anyone. And btw, your "The Gosselin" haircut will NEVER be as popular as "The Rachel", so don't even try it.

The United States of Stupid America

United States of Stupid America

If you're thinking of visiting, moving to, or already live in these states, here are a few words of advice to keep you out of jail—some of these state/city laws may still be enacted so PLEASE, heed my warnings or you may just end up in the slammer!!!

1. Alabama
Parents—please enforce to your children it is not ok to pick their noses, especially outside because someone may be watching what your children do with their boogers and since boogers may not be flicked into the wind, you may want to make sure your children wipe their boogers and snot on the ground or under a bench instead.

2. Alaska
Moose run rampant in Alaska—they walk in the streets and roam in people's backyards—so next time you're having a cookout in the backyard and have a few friends over and a moose enters your yard, make sure you keep a close eye on those who are drinking beer so they aren't tempted to give the moose beer because it illegal to give moose any alcoholic beverages. This also applies to convenience store clerks and liquor store attendants—no matter the age, do not give moose alcohol.

3. Arizona
Don't listen to what they tell you in self defense classes—if you're being attached by a criminal or a burglar, you MUST use the same weapon the attacker is using (if any) or else you will be sent to jail, not the attacker. Hopefully, you're not being attacked by someone using a bowstaff, a machete, or a meat cleaver, as these are not very common items to carry on your persons. But, if you are, don't fight back...you could end up in jail!

4. Arkansas
Domestic violence is considered a contact sport in Arkansas; however, a man can only legally beat his wife once a month. More than that is considered abuse.

5. California
As we all know, California is a very unique state—it's one of the few states that has hot weather and snow all in the same day, and also has cars that can be driven without a human driver; a word to the wise, these cars aren't to exceed 60 MPH or else the car will be ticketed.

6. Colorado
I miss the good old days when you could trust your neighbors enough to go next door and ask for an egg, a cup of milk, a cup of sugar, or in rare cases, a vacuum cleaner. Next time your neighbor comes over and asks to borrow your vacuum cleaner because theirs is broken, DON'T do it as your neighbor is probably wired and it is a set up with the U.S. Marshalls waiting to arrest you for lending out your vacuum cleaner to your neighbor...but, it's probably ok to loan it to a family member who doesn't live adjacent to you in anyway, or on your block, or in your neighborhood.

7. Connecticut
Girls, Interrupted in Connecticut, next time you attempt suicide by cutting your wrists, do NOT dispose of your used razor blades—instead of dying or going to the psych ward, your ass will be in prison.

8. Delaware
Families in Delaware are really no different than families across this great nation. In other states though, families who go to church ALWAYS tell their children to be quiet. Not the case here; it is illegal to whisper in church so next time you need to say "bless you" to the person next to you after she sneezes, or even to reprimand your child for fidgeting and not paying attention, make sure you speak loudly for all to hear; in fact, it may be more appropriate if you yell, the exact opposite of a whisper so it won't be confused as a loud whisper.

9. Florida
Farting is funny. No matter what age, where you are, or who does it; it's inherently funny. Disgusting? Yes...hilarious? Absolutely, especially in public places where it's the most inappropriate. Just a little bit of advice to those of you who enjoy public flatulence as much as I do—keep it in your ass after 6 pm in public or your ass will be plugged in prison.

10. Georgia
Happy hour is a very happy time of day for most of us...some places even extend happy hour and have "Double Bubble" specials...unfortunately for Georgians, selling two beers for the price of one is illegal. So, I highly suggest NEVER looking for a happy hour because you'll only end up unhappy for longer than an hour.

11. Hawaii
A state consisting of beautiful islands—it's almost natural to think of boating when you think of Hawaii...if you are a resident of one of these beautiful islands, make sure you are the proud owner of a boat—any kind of boat, as long as it floats and can transport you somewhere—otherwise you may be sent to the mainland for punishment.

12. Idaho
This is the best place to engage in sexual activities while parked in your car somewhere you shouldn't be...the cops are very respectful as well. Unlike the other states where it's frowned upon to have sex in your vehicle parked in public, in Idaho, that's not the case. If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. What a nice guy huh? He'll let you both drop the big O, clean up, and get dressed before ticketing you...

13. Illinois
Neighbor's can be nuisances—they can forget to mow their lawns so their yards look unruly; they can either not rake all the leaves from the tree the two of you share or they can rake the leaves all into your yard; or even worse, they can "forget" to shovel and/or salt the sidewalk so when you take your dog out, you fall flat on your ass. Even so, it's probably never a good idea to retaliate, especially if you're retaliation consists of peeing in your neighbor's mouth...take the higher road. Don't urinate on or around your neighbors for fear it may land in their mouths and that my friend, will give you a one way ticket to the jailhouse.

14. Indiana
For all you males out there in Indiana—if you see a pretty woman wearing revealing clothing, or your girlfriend licks your ear while you're sitting in a cab, or even kissing your first date goodnight—DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get a boner...it is illegal and you will get sent to a place where boners are especially tolerated and welcome...the county jail. Keep it at half mast as best you can in public and let the sails rip when you get home.

15. Iowa
As we all know, there are many amputees in the state of Iowa. At one point in time, the state legislature even considered amputating the last half of its name and calling the state "IO" instead, in respect for all the amputees...They're everywhere, serving your favorite foods in restaurants, driving you around town, and performing major surgery on you when you get sick—I have to warn you amputees who are thinking of relocating here though—if you choose a career in the entertainment sector, you will not be paid much, especially piano players; in fact, one-armed piano players must perform for free. Sorry...but hey, on the upside, maybe TLC will produce a show about you!

16. Kansas
It's happened to everyone. We've all had too much to drink and have been forced to pee in public—leaning against trees, squatting in bushes, pissing in the snow, etc.—but make sure if you are going to break the law and publicly urinate, don't double break the law and pee against the side of the building. One offense may get you a slap on the wrist but two offenses committed simultaneously? I think not.

17. Kentucky
Many people across our great nation own pets—some people own donkeys, alligators, cats, dogs, etc...if you're a proud dog owner and you haven't spayed or neutered your animal, you may want to as it will help control the stray animal population. In Kentucky though, it's more important to spay or neuter your dog in fear that when it's in heat, it may molest a car and that folks is just plain disgusting...large stuffed animals? Acceptable...pillows? Encouraged...but cars? Wrong on so many levels...and illegal.

18. Louisiana
Louisiana is home to some of the best food, music, festivals, and culture in the entire United States. But with such unique culture, come "unique people" and "unique rituals" such as voodoo and hoodoo. Some of these cultures include sacrificial rituals and homemade potions and the like. Now, with most of these rituals come the use of herbs, minerals, parts of animals' bodies, an individual's possessions, and bodily fluids, especially menstrual blood, urine and semen. Here's the catch—although these rituals are very well known and historically set in this creepy state, rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. God help the officer who arrests the people who practice these rituals...um, voodoo dolls?

19. Maine
For those of you who are either flying over or into Maine, make sure you listen to your flight attendants and pilot when they turn on the seatbelt sign. If you feel like going for a leisurely stroll during a boring flight, please walk in the aisle as it is illegal to step out of a plane in flight.

20. Maryland
Like the other states I've mentioned, it's common to own pets. In Maryland, however, it's not a good idea to get a pet lion. Not only will it eat you or hurt you and your family in some way, then terrorize your neighborhood, but you won't be able to take it to go see "The Lion King" because it's illegal to take a lion to the movies. I wonder about tigers and bears though...oh my.

21. Massachusetts
I hate hospitals and hospital staff. They all smell the same and the staff are mean. So what my uncle is in the hospital after cardiac surgery? Why can't I bring him a cheeseburger? Or, my aunt is being diagnosed with lung cancer, but just can't find it in herself to quit so I help her outside to grab a quick smoke? The state of Massachusetts apparently has no qualms with the above listed activities; however, if your father is being treated for an alcohol related illness or disease, don't even think about sneaking anything in for him. It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients. Period. So don't even try it.

22. Michigan
This one's for you Boxcar Children—yes, you are orphans and your life sucks and you have resorted to homelessness aboard a boxcar but Henry, your siblings look up to you. Don't resort to the bottle to help drown your worries...your siblings need you to be sober to comfort them on those cold winter nights and give them brotherly advice when they need it. Plus, it's illegal to be drunk on a train so Henry, put the bottle down, get a life, leave the boxcar and go live with your Grandpa already. Your life's really not that bad.

23. Minnesota
The land of 10,000 lakes and the land of not being able to sleep naked. Be careful if you do...someone may be watching.

24. Mississippi
People take God and Jesus Christ pretty seriously in Mississippi. For the most part, churchgoers respect each other and their religious practices; there is, however, always the few people who cross the line and push the boundaries and disturb the church service. If it gets too out of hand, in most states, someone will call the police—in Mississippi, that's not the case. Private citizens may personally arrest any person who disturbs a church service. If I were you, I'd keep my mouth shut, my hands to myself, and my nose out of other people's church business if I were you otherwise you're going to have some Praise the Lord Baptists all over your ass.

25. Missouri
Babies are so cute! They are so tiny, cuddly, and loveable. And when most people are in the presence of babies, they automatically speak "Babyish". It just happens; no one knows where the language originated and scholars maintain that it was once replaced by Latin in schools of old. It is still popular in the United States though and can only be understood by babies. The only problem with this language is the people who speak it not only make weird faces but the also get either really high pitched voices or very low, guttural voices, which can actually frighten the baby. In no other state is this a problem but in Missouri, frightening a baby is in violation of the law. So, make sure you are speaking "Babyish" correctly and don't get too close to the baby when doing so or you may frighten the baby and the baby police will swat you on your diaper padded ass.

26. Montana
If you live in Montana and decide to become a hooker, or in more politically correct terminology, a "Lady of the Night", you may want to make sure you are far, far away from your family as prostitution is considered a “crime against the family”. If there's an ounce of humility and self respect left in you after you venture down this career path, keep your family out of it. There's no need to spread their name around town like you spread your legs.

27. Nebraska
During adolescence, we are warned of the dangers of having unprotected sex and the negative consequences of it like STD's, pregnancy, loss of self esteem, and everything related to risqué sex. Unlike the other 49 states, sexual education teachers teach the most valuable lesson every Nebraska teenager needs to know--persons with gonorrhea may not marry in Nebraska...but persons with AIDS, Chlamydia, and Syphilis are encouraged to get married and spread their joy...and diseases.

28. Nevada
A popular destination for gamblers, partiers, and horny people alike...gambling comes easy and legal, partying is a given, and prostitution is legal. Who wouldn't love to visit Nevada? Although Nevada may be one of the most risqué states, it is still illegal to own sex toys so to those of you women who yearn to work at the Bunny Ranch and please creepy men, put the dildos, vibrators, and whips away or you will be handcuffed for real...and these handcuffs won't have pink fuzzy padding on them.

29. New Hampshire
In every state, there are people engaging in extramarital affairs under false names at sleazy, side of the road motels. If you're thinking of starting an extramarital affair, make sure to use your real name because it is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name. So, either get caught by your wife or the police. You decide.

30. New Jersey
The Garden State has been a popular backdrop for Hollywood mafia movies and shows, one of the most popular and recent being HBO's award winning show, "The Sopranos". If you're planning a Tony Soprano style whacking, make sure you aren't hiding anything underneath your clothes because it is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a murder. I guess it's not fair for the murderer to have armor and not the victim.

31. New Mexico
Idiots may not vote. Is there anything else to say?

32. New York
A small northeastern state with one of the biggest metropolitan cities in the world. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. A city famous for fashion, culture, TV, and crime. But, if you're a suicidal New Yorker and decide you want to plummet to your death off the top of a sky scraper, you should probably know that the penalty for jumping off a building is death. If you somehow manage to survive your jump, don't worry. You'll still be punished by death anyway so either way, it's a win-win situation.

33. North Carolina
Everyone loves the "American Idol" judges. Everyone who isn't auditioning that is. For those of you "Idol" hopefuls out there who think you can sing, it doesn't matter if you or your family think you're great! If Simon, Randy, Paula, and Kara think you are tone deaf, then you are. Period. There's no disputing that. So, if you're heading to an audition in North Carolina, make sure you give it your all because it's against the law to sing off key and security is listening.

34. North Dakota
Next time you're in North Dakota and are looking for a nice tavern or restaurant to sit down and enjoy an ice cold beer and some grub, you should probably know that while you'll never see pretzels on restaurant menu and you'll never see pretzels in bowls on the bar because beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. So much for a happy happy hour.

35. Ohio
Babies are just like children and adults. They need to be fed if they get hungry in public. Some mothers bottle feed their babies and some breastfeed. All across the nation, mothers of all types have no qualms breastfeeding in public. But in Ohio, breast-feeding is not allowed in public so you will have pump before you go out or keep your milk jugs in your bra until you get home.

36. Oklahoma
Thanks to our wonderful federal government, it is now mandatory for every single sex offender to be registered and have their name, picture, and address broadcast all over the news and the internet. In Oklahoma, the same stands for anyone who is seeking to pay for sex from a "Lady of the Night"...any people arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television. So, if you're that desperate and don't want your fifteen minutes of fame to be wasted on a mug shot like Nick Nolte, I suggest you just stay home and do it yourself.

37. Oregon
On the West Coast, everyone is searching for something. Early settlers were searching for gold; young men and women are searching for stardom. But there are some people in the Pacific Northwest who are searching for somewhere to put their containers filled with human fecal matter. If you are that person and you happen to live in Oregon, please remember that it is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway. Find some place else for your shit box.

38. Pennsylvania
If you're thinking about going to college at Penn State or other colleges in this great state, make sure you select your roommates wisely and have a variety of men and women. If you're picking college housing and choose not to stay in the dorms, make sure you get a small house that can only fit about four people. The reason I advise this is because it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. So, if you aren't looking to be the next Heidi Fleiss, I suggest you heed my warning.

39. Rhode Island
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic, is null and void. Like New Mexico, what else is there to say? At least there's a couple states in the union that recognize that idiots and crazies should be denied their civil rights.

40. South Carolina
Domestic violence is typically considered a brutal crime and many states now have the mandatory arrest laws. If you're considering beating on your spouse, you need to keep your cool until Sunday because it is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the courthouse steps on Sundays. So, Monday through Saturday, keep your hands to yourselves and wait until Sunday to let that argument turn into a full on beating at the courthouse.

41. South Dakota
Everyone who owns property should have a "No Trespassing" or "Trespassers Will Be Shot on Sight" sign. It will deter most criminals from entering your property. If you live in South Dakota though, if there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property, you may shoot them. This law probably stems from the good ole "Oregon Trail" days but if it's still valid, you may want to rethink your property signage—"Gaggles of Indians Will be Shot on Sight".

42. Tennessee
We've all done it. Or seen it. We've all swerved to miss running over that squirrel or raccoon or skunk but sometimes, it is nature's way of controlling the rampant woodland creature population. Deer have broken many a windshield; raccoon have dented many a bumper. In Tennessee though, this is good news and may even be the answer to our nation's hunger problem. Here, it is legal to gather and consume roadkill. So next time you're driving in Tennessee and you see an animal in your lane, don't be afraid to hit it and take the meat because somewhere, there's a starving child and you don't want that on your conscious.

43. Texas
The Lone Star state, mostly known for the Bush family, the NRA, and the Texas Rangers. But what most people don't know is that Texas is not a state that looks highly upon sexual deviation. For those of you women, and even men I suppose, who like to experiment sexually, you must heed my advice next time you stop at a sex shop, or order sex toys online. In Texas, it is illegal to possess realistic dildos...remember that next time you are contemplating the "Chocolate Thunder" or "Milky Man Meat" dildos because if they are thick, veiny dildos, you must put them back on the shelf and settle for a less realistic dildos...or go to a neighboring state to get your kicks.

44. Utah
Public service workers like police officers and firemen, and EMT's are to be commended for their bravery and selflessness. If someone is in trouble or hurt, these people always rush to our assistance. As an EMT in Utah, there can be a lot of down time. Many EMT's engage in sexual relations in the back of ambulances during said down time; however, they need to be careful because if they suddenly get a call, they better jump into action because no one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. Next time you call 911 in Utah, just remember, you may have interrupted a hot and heavy love session atop the gurney and you better pray they remember to change the sheets.

45. Vermont
Centuries ago, and even still today, people have and are still coming to the United States to escape religious persecution. In America, everyone has the right to believe in one God, many Gods, or no God at all. Not true for Vermont though. In Vermont, it is illegal to deny the existence of God. So, if you want religious freedom, you better not live in Vermont because you will have no choice but to believe in God.

46. Virginia
Children have many favorite holidays—Easter when a bunny fills up baskets with candy; Christmas when Santa packs a buttload of presents under the tree. Perhaps the most popular holiday for children, and even some adults, is Halloween. Every year across the nation, children and adults dress up costumes and go beg strangers for candy and go to costume parties. This is a tradition that has been going on forever and shows no signs of stopping...yet. In Virginia, children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. If Halloween is your child's favorite holiday, I suggest moving out of state or vacationing in another state on October 31 so your child still has the opportunity to dress up in a costume and walk around the town, asking people for candy, although we teach our children never to talk to strangers and/or accept candy from them.

47. Washington
We all like to believe there are more good people than bad people in this country, or even the world. Sometimes that's not the case though. There's a city law in Washington that was set up to help deter criminals from entering any jurisdiction and committing a crime. This law states, " It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town". So next time you are heading to Washington to vacation or to commit crimes, make sure you alert the local authorities beforehand so they can arrest you with intent to commit a crime, not for actually committing the crime.

48. West Virginia
Not everybody is lucky in love. There are many single, desperately seeking Susans/Sams out there who just cannot find love anywhere. Good news for all you single, horny, desperate male West Virginians—instead of dating like normal people, it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40-lbs. Sorry ladies...you don't have the same privilege so it looks like another lonely night for you. But guys, you've got it made.

49. Wisconsin
As I stated before, public service workers are saviors to many communities. Police officers lock up criminals, EMT's save lives, and firemen put out fires and rescue cats from trees. Although police officers and EMT's work long hours, firemen are really the ones who have the longest shifts. Most of them work 24 hours or more on little to no sleep. Luckily, if it's a slow shift, they are allowed to catch a nap in between calls. In Wisconsin though, is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Next time there's a fire, you better hope you don't wake a fireman to come extinguish your flames or you'll lose more than your home; you'll lose your freedom as well.

50. Wyoming
Next time you ladies hit the clubs in Cheyenne, or hit up a townie bar in Casper, just remember the state of Wyoming is very strict about where you can and cannot consume alcohol. Ladies, it is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. So, when you're out for a night on the town, make sure to order your drinks, then leave the premises and consume your drinks, or back up at least five feet from the actual bar so as you don't get arrested.


Hopefully these strange, but true insights to our crazy laws in the United States will help you determine the next place you live, visit, or vacation. Remember, no matter what you do, there's probably a law against it.

Children

Children are sacred creatures. They are meant to be loved, cuddled, and taught; not beaten, raped, and killed.

What's happening to our world when a second grader brings heroin to school and tries it with his friends? He didn't know it was heroin; he thought it was candy and wanted to share with his friends. What are his parents doing where the second grader would end up with a bag of heroin in his lunchbox or his pocket? Did the parents have the intention of using the little kid as a dealer? Who knows...most likely not. It's more likely the child got into something he wasn't supposed to and ironically, the parents got into something they shouldn't have as well.

What kind of people start a meth lab and also have a vehicle parked in the driveway of their home with a dead infant stuffed in a storage container? Why an infant? Why the child? Why couldn't you meth addicts kill your stupid ass selves and leave the child out of it?

Why are you perverts selling children for sex? How perverted and fucked up are you that you have to pay for sex with a child? Why can't you just go to a bar like everyone else and take home some nasty slut from a townie bar? It goes against the laws of nature and we have evolved from sex with children. You should get your dick cut off and have it changed into a vagina. That way you are just as vulnerable as a child. You don't wield the power stick anymore and no one will be afraid of you.

How can you be family and hurt your own child? You are a parent, an aunt or uncle, a grandparent, a cousin...you're supposed to protect your own family—it's raw instinct. You never harm your own. But there are those of you who still hurt the ones you love the most, or are supposed to love the most. What's your motive? Money, greed, jealousy? Probably. Where's your compassion and love for your family? Nothing is ever that bad in life where you need to harm your own family member. Nothing.

I think instead of prison for anyone who harms a child, an animal, or an elderly person—(they're helpless!)—shouldn't be sentenced to prison. They should be tortured, mutilated, and killed by each other in a deep, dark, dank pit of their own soil. Seriously. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I truly believe you pay for your crimes here on earth. Someone sitting in prison for the rest of his/her life is a life that's a whole lot better than living in the free world in poverty or being homeless on the streets or being in a relationship/family where there's constant abuse. Prison is not a punishment; it's injustice. Just because someone's not actually in prison doesn't make his/her life a prison. There are more people in a prison in the free world than behind bars in a state penitentiary.

The rapists should rape each other; the murderers should murder each other; the perverts should molest each other. To me, that's the only fair punishment. If you want to rape or kill or mutilate someone that bad, do it to someone who's just like you. You both deserve each other. That's true justice.

My thoughts on the year 2008, two months too late...

Obviously this list cannot summarize all of the events of 2008, these are some that pop out at me the most and of course, I have something to say about them all...and no, they're not a top 25 and go in NO particular order...

1. In 2008 we said goodbye to a young Hollywood star, Heath Ledger, who surprised us in 10 Things I Hate About You (amazing soundtrack, btw) and kept impressing us as a gay cowboy, Bob Dylan, and a crazy villain in Batman, a movie he never got to see; George Carlin and Bernie Mac, two comedians who will never be replaced or forgotten; Brad Renfro who amazed us in movies like The Client and Sleepers; and Estelle Getty, the old woman most known for her role on Golden Girls as the sassy Sophia Petrillo.

2. 2. Brangelina gave birth to their own kids and adopted even more third world countries and all the children in those countries!!! Wow...they'll be calling Nanny 911 soon...still, Angelina, thank you for taking the part in Wanted. HOT!

3. James Bond returned thanks to Daniel Craig, the least hottest of all Bond stars and if definitely a "But-his-face"...

4. Indiana Jones made a comeback on the big screen but I personally feel the Lego: Indiana Jones game was far better than all the movies combined and don't forget Lego: Batman either, although I did thoroughly enjoy watching Batman The Dark Knight and am in disbelief, even a year later, that Heath Ledger is no longer here.

5. Michael Phelps, yes, you are a great American/Olympic athlete but you are by no means the greatest Olympic athlete ever—just because you hold the world record in medals won doesn't mean you're the best...what about the fat shot-putter who only has one event but gets one gold medal—he won 100% of his events, just like you did...the best athlete should be judged by performance and percentage of events won, not the amount of gold medals won...and btw, stop drinking and driving and stop chiefing on that bong dude...you have a hot body and eat 22,000 calories a day...why fuck that up man? Seriously though, fix your teeth and then you wouldn't be a "But-his-face" like Daniel Craig.

6. The Japanese perfected synthetic blood so vampires don't necessarily need to hunt humans anymore...grab a six pack of TruBlood at your local gas station or supermarket...WAIT...what? Vampires aren't real? DAMNIT!!!!!!!! Thank you Charlaine Harris for writing your vampire series over the years and creating the character Sookie Stackhouse--your books are WAY better than Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series and HBO loved it Sookie so much they created the series True Blood, one of the best series HBO has ever seen (the best definitely being Six Feet Under).

7. Miley Cyrus, here are 7 things I hate about you—1. You. 2. Your Dad. 3. Your voice. 4. Your nudie Vanity Fair pics. 5. Your song called 7 Things 6. Your show Hannah Montana. 7. You. You are just going to end up like Hanson, The Cosby kids, the Brady Bunch, well, you get the picture...childhood stars stay in childhood so, I can't wait until you're an adult then we can be done with you. And Disney can put all your shit into their impenetrable vault and shut if forever.

8. The most amazing celebrity moment, as far as I'm concerned, is definitely the moment Tina Fey graced the TV again and again with her rendition of Sarah Palin on SNL. Her hilarious and accurate portrayal of the stupidest woman in all of Alaska and the United States, picked to have almost been the next V.P. (eek!!!) was the best celebrity moment of 2008. I also LOVE Tina Fey/Sarah Palin guest spots on SNL like Amy Poehler/Hilary Clinton and Wil Ferrell/George Bush...now, too bad someone didn't think of bringing back Cheri Oteri to play Sarah Palin's dumbass pregnant daughter...Also noteworthy, Tina supported Hilary Clinton's presidential campaign by quoting, "Bitch is the new Black"...I want to make out with Tina Fey just for that. God bless that woman and thank God Sarah Palin is back in Alaska...no one wants you here on the mainland.

9. Speaking of Sarah Palin, let's talk about her turkey "pardon"... By the way Sarah, when you pardoned that turkey, were you completely unaware that there were more turkeys being slaughtered right behind you or are you really just that dumb? You can see Russia from your house but you can't see the turkey slaughter right behind you? Seriously.

10. Amy Winehouse was sent to rehab...yes, they tried to make you go to rehab and you said no, no, no but they said yes, yes, yes.

11. Ellen and her hot Portia de Rossi of a girlfriend FINALLY got married...that gives us lesbians hope that one day, I too will be able to marry my girlfriend.

12. And for you "Mini-Me", no one wants to watch you having sex. You were disgusting in ALL Austin Powers movies and just cause you're the midget everyone casts in their movies and on TV doesn't make you a sex object...unless, of course, you're Chelsea Handler because she loves to fuck midgets...it says so in her two books, which if you haven't read, you need to. Funny ass shit.

13. Mariah Carey--didn't anyone tell you Nick Cannon is barely legal? Hope you have enough Glitter when you end up jail for being a cho-mo...I'm sure the woman prisoners would love to hear all 7 of your octaves...

14. Brett Favre—you're a fuckstick...don't play for the Packers for 17 years, retire, then cry like a baby and have a tantrum that you won't be playing Pop Warner again in the fall and then decide to come back where the Pack doesn't want you so you trade to the Jets...I hope you break your ankle.

15. As if we weren't sick of Lindsay Lohan already and we all secretly hope she was as cute and lovable in her twenties as she was in her teens when she played in The Parent Trap, now Lindsay decides to become a lesbian...awesome. But seriously, I still like her as an actress in Mean Girls and Georgia Rule, and even in my all time SNL episode from 2005 with Usher, and I actually like one of Samantha Ronson's songs, which is heard twice in Mean Girls...it's just a phase for you Lindsay and you'll be back to the sausage in no time.

16. Thomas Beatie-you're not a pregnant man. That's scientifically impossible. So you cut off your tits, kept your va-jay-jay and your uterus and legally changed your sex and your name but if you got the parts, that's what you are, no matter what you cut off...so, you are a pregnant woman who is legally a man, not a pregnant man. And knock it off already.

17. Kenley Collins, the obnoxious ugly girl from Project Runway definitely deserved to lose...no one talks that way to Heidi Klum, the most beautiful woman on this planet (besides Kate Beckinsale of course)..seriously Kenley, your clothes were hideous, as was your attitude...and way to make Tim Gunn's face redder than it normally is...don't piss off a pretentious, elderly gay man who's got a hard on for fashion Kenley...it got you booed off the stage.

18. Pirates of Somalia took over and made the Pirates of the Caribbean look like a bunch of pussies. Oil will beat chunks of change any day...although they're not as good looking as Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or Kiera Knightley

19. Acai berries and Pomegranates—when the fuck did you become so goddamn popular? Juices, fruit dips, shampoo, shave gel, cereal, lotion, etc...it never stops...pretty soon they'll make Acai Mayonnaise and Pomegranate potato chips...seriously. I heart Pomegranates (not so crazy about Acai berries) but just because Oprah rants and raves about them doesn't make them any better...healthy? yes, but stop the obsession already.

20. Rock Band 2 vs. Guitar Hero...will one ever prevail over the other? Absolutely not...both are great games but have different playlists and playing styles but essentially the same thing...trust me when I say there is nothing like a fake "4 man band" in the middle of your living room with a fog/smoke/light machine, rocking out to "Livin on a Prayer" by the one and only Bon Jovi...seriously though? Not everyone is musically inclined so give us dorks a break...

21. Don't trust anything "Made in China", especially if it's digestible because in reality, it's not...Melamine in your body will not break it down and you will die...Melamine has since been found in animal feed and eggs, and even sex toys, so girls, next time you plan a romantic night with B.O.B., make sure you glove it before you love it!

22. Obama arrived on the big stage and on election night, he did a figurative Quarterback Kneel because he and everyone else knew time was running out and the other side was never going to win no matter if they pulled out a Hail Mary...We voted for change and elected our very first Black President...whether or not he'll do a good job, who cares? We have a black president and Bush can suck on it and go back to Texas.

23. PETA--no thanks...no one wants to eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream that's been made from breast milk. That's disgusting...we'll all stick to cow milk.

24. On a more serious note, Jennifer Hudson lost three members of her family to a crazy, estranged boyfriend/husband for no reason besides jealousy. The Dreamgirls star's life is now a nightmare and her story brought tears to everyone's eyes...Caylee Anthony, a beautiful little girl was murdered and thrown away like trash in Orlando, FL where her remains were found not far from her family's home...Casey Anthony, either you did it or you're covering for your crazy parents/suicidal father...someone just confess already! Stop killing innocent people because you're fucked up. Every year, the killing and violence in this world gets worse and worse...kill yourself, not someone else who doesn't deserve it.

25. On an even more serious and personal and final note, my family and friends lost some people as well in 2008. Dad lost his BFF and lawyer Mike Roe to a heart attack on the Fourth of July before the parade; my great friend Katie lost her father, Dick Davis, of nothing more than a bee sting; my beautiful girlfriend Emily and her amazing family lost the strongest woman to ever grace their lives to breast cancer, Yvonne Rawley, who affected everyone's life and even though I didn't know her well, she affected my life more than I thought she would...we miss all of you. Make sure to hug and kiss your loved ones as much as you can and don't take anything for granted because you never know...they could be gone the very next day.

2008 was full of laughs and tears and hopefully 2009 will bring more laughs than tears...God knows we need them.